Broken Vessels

It’s a mess.

Hmmm, yes. I have to agree. 

I don’t know how I can fix it. 

Well, you have glue and time. 

……!

What?

Glue and time? I think it will take more than that. Even if I had baling wire and duct tape, I couldn’t fix it!

Don’t be silly. Duct tape can fix anything.

Are you serious?

No, but I can see you are. Why don’t we just pick up the pieces and put them in this box? 

Ah. Good idea. We can bury it in the backyard.

Oh … well, no, that’s not what I had in mind. I thought we could put it here on the shelf until you’re feeling less stressed. Then, we can sit down together and put it back together. 

Will I ever be “less stressed”? I can’t remember how that feels. Besides, broken is broken. Even if I could put back together, it wouldn’t be the same. 

Nothing is ever the same once it’s broken. We can mend it, patch it, glue it … even duct tape it. In the end, well, you get it. 

….

Something is going on up there, in that head of yours. 

No. I’m just disappointed. I really liked it. I always felt cheerful when I saw it. And now I don’t. 

You can throw it away, if you’d like. Find something to replace it. 

No. {sigh} 

Well?

We have to mend it. Somehow, put it back together. 

So it matters to you?

Well, not really. But I suspect it matters to you. So, it has to be mended. No one knows it’s broken but me. 

In Japan, they repair things using gold, silver, or platinum. It’s called Kintsugi, and it means golden joinery.

I’ve seen it. It can be beautiful. 

Yes. This ancient Japanese art of mending broken objects with gold is symbolic of embracing our struggles and repairing ourselves with love. 

I don’t have any gold, silver, or platinum. 

Oh, I think we can find some. I have pots of the stuff.

I don’t know … 

Embracing our struggles, our brokenness. That's what this is about. And repairing that brokenness with love.

What if this doesn’t work?

Brokenness mended with gold? Why wouldn’t it? We can’t remake the vessel because it’s hardened. But, we can take a broken vessel and mend the cracks and restore its beauty and usefulness. I like that idea.

Well … OK. But … could you do the repairs? I don’t know where to start.

I started weeks ago. 

#ConversationWithHim

Just Ask

 I'd like to sit right up there.

Where?

There, on that ledge up there, where the trees are shady and the flowers are blowing in the breeze. 

Ah. Yes, that's a nice ledge. 

I don't see a way up.

Hmm. No. You don't. 

.....

What?

It isn't very far... well it doesn't look far. Certainly not as far as that last bit. So where is the trail?

Oh. You can't get there from here.

You're kidding. Right?

No. But there is a bench right over there under that overhang you can rest on.

I see it. It's kind of hard and the top isn't smooth.

No. That's true. I suppose I should have someone fix that. 

.....

Is something wrong?

Yes! 

How can I help you?

{Harump} I'll just sit here on this patch of scrub and take a break. Please, join me.

Thank you. I will. 

At least the sky is beautiful.

As long as you look up, you'll be fine. 

Doesn't feel that way. That ledge up there... it's so pretty. Have you been there?

Of course. There is the loveliest pond there. You can stretch out on the grass and watch the fish jump. Might see a deer or two. Oh and those flowers ... they smell like heaven.

.....

I'm sorry. 

I'll just stay here for awhile. Maybe I'll figure it out. 

You might. 

......

Of course, you could just ask me to take you there.

.....

Don't look surprised. That's all you ever have to do. Just ask.

Oh, oh please. Now?

Sure. Let's just rest a bit. Stop worrying about it. I've got everything under control. 

Really?

Yes.

#Conversations With Him

Where Was Job's Wife?

 I've been in a tremendous hole for nearly a month. Sometimes life overwhelms me and I have a meltdown. I've always had a habit of overthinking a problem, but Jerry was the anchor that sort of balanced me. He couldn't always fix the problem, but an anchor is really just to stabilize the boat and keep it from drifting out to sea. He kept the boat from rocking so much.

After he died, I lost all sense of stability. In fact, it felt like I was tossed into a washing machine. My tendency to over think situations escalated to the point I'd lose my self control. I had to ask people for help, something I never did in my entire life. Not ever. Yet, there I was, not able to resolve simple problems because I couldn't think clearly. I couldn't focus. The fibromyalgia brain fog added to the chaos. 

These days, I'm not as unstable as I was, but I'm never going to be who I was before Jerry died. That part of me died with him. Death of a spouse is the death of two people. One of them remains, but 50% of their personality is simply destroyed. They'll recover to some degree, but they'll never be who they were and people who know them well will see it. They won't understand, but they'll see it. I don't sing anymore. I talk too much. I avoid most social events because I don't enjoy sitting in a corner alone. I can't cope with trauma at all. I hate who this made me, what it did to my life, but I can't undo it. So it gets dark sometimes.

So, for the last several months, I've been in a dark place. I can't describe this any way other than they're cold, dark, and devastatingly lonely. One has a tendency to reach out to people. The tendency of those people you reach out to, is to push you away. Really. I mean, didn't you realize that is why people commit suicide so often? They were unseen suffers whose desperation results in people shoving them aside. The excess talking, the neediness all reflect a soul clutching for an anchor for just a few minutes. 

It's hell. Oh, not for you. For them.

When I get in these places, I do a lot of praying. I become very unsociable to protect other people from the fallout. I crawl into my hole and pull the dirt in over me. For me, this is a normal reaction. 

I've tried to overcome this the last several years. And I really wanted to go to church. I needed to go to church! So, I went despite this enveloping darkness.

 Of course, people always think you're in physical pain at these times, and because most folks are shallow, they won't delve too deep. It's easy to let them think what they think. They don't really want to hear about what is really bothering another person. They don't actually see you after the first three minutes. 

I struggled to listen to the lesson during Sunday School. I like the fella who was teaching. He's good. But I was surprised when, out of the blue, a question popped into my head. I'll take you with me for this. 

"Where was Job's wife?" 

He's not teaching about Job. 

No, but where was she?

Job's wife? Well...I guess she was home.  

Sure she was. She was nagging Job, remember?

Yeah, I remember........ wait. She's mentioned one time. I think. They say she told Job to curse God and die.

Yes. That's her. In sermons, they say all he had left was a nagging wife. In fact, she's never named. 

OK. That's harsh.

But where was she?

I don't know.

Well, where was Job?

Oh, he was sitting in an ash heap scratching his sores and moaning with his friends. 

He was. The writer gives it a less judgemental slant, of course.

Of course he does.

Let me tell you about Job's wife. You'll probably recognize her.

I....

Job's wife was in her tent. She was cleaning up the dishes, making beds, washing clothes, cooking a meal for the two of them. That's what was expected of her. Job had lost everything. But Job's wife lost everything she helped him build. She lost her babies; she lost any hope of grandchildren. In her society, this would have been a death blow to any woman. She lost crops, flocks, and children. Job's wife had nothing left, not even her husband. He's sitting in an ash heap scraping his sores and complaining to his comforters. 

The grief she felt was soul crushing and there is no evidence she had comforters, not even the man she'd given her life to, the man she'd born and reared children for, the man she cooked, cleaned, and waited on for decades. He had no time for her. He was suffering. 

"Curse God and die!" she screamed at Job.

"You speak like a foolish child!" he yelled back.

But she wasn't a fool, and she wasn't a child. She was a woman whose whole life was crushed out of existence. As a male, Job could start over. He could build again, get more crops and flocks. He could marry a younger woman and father a new family. But Job's wife... she lost everything that gave her life meaning. Her identity was stripped from her the moment those children died. And she could not start over. 

But the story says God blessed Job, and he had more than he had in the beginning. 

But where was Job's wife?

It doesn't mention her again. 

No it doesn't. 

So ... where was Job's wife?

She was burying her babies. She was cleaning up the mess, cooking the meals, serving Job's comforters wine and cheese, and burying her babies. Job's wife was grieving alone, and she was screaming to die.

Oh. Oh no. 

.............

Job's wife disappeared. There is no indication in the story that Job's wife had more children. No mention of their relationship or of her being blessed. Job was blessed. Where was Job's wife?

The writer neglected to tell us. Although, I think you and I know. You probably understand Job's wife in a way no one else can unless they've lived it.

Yes. 

Why do they do this to us? They make us invisible. It is as if we don't matter. No one sees us. No one hears us. We mustn't make anyone uncomfortable. We're not to draw attention to our pain. Never speak of it. We'll "get over it". We're fools if we don't. No wonder she screamed at him. 

You don't get over it. And you're not fools. But you're going to be all right.

Will I? It hurts. Even now. 

I know. But I see you. l hear you. And you can always talk to me. 

Surely someone reached out to Job's wife? Surely .....

Didn't they?

#ConversationsWithHim

 

Higher Ground

Can we rest here?

Of course.

The ledge is awfully narrow. 

We have plenty of room. How about scooting over a bit?

…..

Well. I’m sitting close, really close to the edge.

Seriously? You’re worried about falling?

Well, if I fall, I won’t be here with you, and it might take a while for me to return. 

Wow. For a minute, I thought you were worried about breaking something.

Ah, that’s better. Now, what did you say? Oh, nonsense. 

It’s a long way up there, but I see another ledge not too far away. I think it is larger than this one.

It is. 

How do you know?

I’ve traveled this way before. There’s a lovely stretch of grass and a spring coming out of the side of the mountain. Last time I was here, my companion hewed a stone bed in the rock.  

Oh. They might not like us messing with their place.

They’re no longer there.

Guess they finished the climb.

No. They didn’t go any farther. 

Oh. 

….

So, are we going farther?

That’s up to you. Do you think you can?

Well…. It is pretty high.

…..

But I so want to get higher. Imagine the view from up there must be amazing. 

You can almost see forever.

Okay, let’s do it. I’m ready.

/*\
/**\
/****\
/*****\

Wow! You weren’t kidding. This place is wonderful. The grass is like a carpet. And the water is so crisp and cold. Oh, is that the bed?

Yes.

Doesn’t look comfortable to me.

It wasn’t.

Then why stay? I mean, it’s beautiful, with a magnificent view. And there’s plenty to drink. But…

Yes?

There’s nothing to eat. I suspect…

Yes?

Well, isn’t there more room at the top?

Definitely.

I don’t understand why you’d settle for this when there’s something better waiting up there.

That’s a fair question.

…..

…..

And what’s the answer?

I don’t know, but many have made that decision.

I want to go higher. As high as I can. 

It’s a hard journey.

Harder than it’s already been?

Much. In some places there are no ledges, nothing but handholds. You’ll need to be strong. 

Oh. 

….

I … 

I’ll be with you. I can give you a leg up when you need it or a hand to pull you up. But it is hard. You’ll get tired.

But you’ll be with me. 

Of course. I’ll be bringing lunch.

So, when can we start?

If you’re ready, we can start now. 

Yeah, let’s do that. What's for lunch?

#ConversationsWithHim

A Busy Week and a Grateful Heart

I'm so tired! I'm going to bed but I really need to post this. Something has sidetracked me two or three times this week.

You've had a busy weekend and a busy week. 

You are amazing. I've felt so good and just so....I don't know even know. Mentally and physically. I've just had a wonderful week. Able to get things done without a lot of pain or stress.

You're welcome, but you did all the work.

I couldn't have done it if you had not helped me. Did I say thank you?

Several times in the car today and every day this week. You must keep your eyes on the road, you know.

Yeah, yeah, I know. But suddenly, I was just so excited and elated. You know how I get. What a week!

I do. Still, try to focus on your driving. I can wait till you get home.

I couldn't! You're really amazing, and I'm just so grateful. 

Get to bed. 

Right. Good night!

#ConversationsWithHim

Where Were You?

 

Where were you all this time?

What?

Where were you all this time? Things were bad. No, strike that. They were absolutely abysmal.

Oh, I've been with you.

What? No. No, you weren't.

But I was. If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there.

Oh....

Yes. Oh. Psalms 139 

1.O lord, thou hast searched me, and known me.
2 Thou knowest my downsitting and mine uprising, thou understandest my thought afar off.
3 Thou compassest my path and my lying down, and art acquainted with all my ways.
4 For there is not a word in my tongue, but, lo, O Lord, thou knowest it altogether.
5 Thou hast beset me behind and before, and laid thine hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high, I cannot attain unto it.
7 Whither shall I go from thy spirit? or whither shall I flee from thy presence?
8 If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there.
9 If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea;
10 Even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me.
11 If I say, Surely the darkness shall cover me; even the night shall be light about me.
12 Yea, the darkness hideth not from thee; but the night shineth as the day: the darkness and the light are both alike to thee.
13 For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother's womb.
14 I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.
15 My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
16 Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them.
17 How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! how great is the sum of them!
18 If I should count them, they are more in number than the sand: when I awake, I am still with thee.
19 Surely thou wilt slay the wicked, O God: depart from me therefore, ye bloody men.
20 For they speak against thee wickedly, and thine enemies take thy name in vain.
21 Do not I hate them, O Lord, that hate thee? and am not I grieved with those that rise up against thee?
22 I hate them with perfect hatred: I count them mine enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts:
24 And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

{sigh}

Well, I didn't mean to make you cry. I was only answering your question. 

I know. Could you maybe make a little noise though? Just in case I forget. 

#ConverstationsWithHim

Lost Lessons

 

Power in Praise

The book arrived a couple of days ago. 

I saw that. You started it.

Yes, but I was doing a review read for two different authors and needed to finish those. I still have to write the reviews. But I'm reading it. I'm about 16 pages in.

And....

.....

AND...

I know. I know. So, I kind of messed up. 

Messed up?

Well, I forgot the formula.

I think we were previously talking about your shirt. You know, the praise shirt you needed to put on.

Yeah. I got that. See, I thought I'd been doing that. 

Hmmm...

But apparently, not really. 

Uh-huh.

Well, really, but not in everything. Some things ... well, you know.

I do, but I'd rather you admit it.

Oh, come on. You KNOW. 

.....

{sigh}

.....

All right! Some things I wanted to you fix. I wasn't praising you for the way they were because I didn't want them the way they were. So ...

That's enough. You got it. So, you got that in 16 pages? I'm impressed.

Not really. I feel stupid. Prison to Praise and Power in Praise, by Merlin Carothers, were two favorite books of mine in the 70s. They had a tremendous impact on me as a teen and stuck with me for years. I lost my copies, and they went out of print, I think. That was before Amazon, but I didn't forget about them. It truly worked then. Somewhere along the way, I forgot about it. Well, I stopped practicing it. I realized it as soon as I started reading it this week.

Finish it.

I will. But I have to tell you, I recognize I'm different now. I'm not the teenager with rosy glasses. I'm finding it harder to see how I can do this. In everything, praise you. That sounds great. In theory, it shouldn't be difficult. It wasn't difficult when I was 16. Life took a hard, several hard turns. Still sounds great, but it feels nearly impossible. 

You are 16 pages in. There is a lot more book before you evaluate things. 

I need to succeed here. This is a lesson I learned and lost, and I need to regain it. 

Let's do it.

#ConversationswithHim

What Happened?

 Something happened. 

I know. I can tell. Do you know what? 

Absolutely not. But I don't care. I'm just glad it did. I don't really know how to explain it either. 

Then don't try. Just enjoy the change. 

I want to understand. 

Of course you do. When have you not?

Well, that's how we learn, you know. And don't forget, learning leads to growth.

True. So....

{sigh} I don't know. I can't put my finger on it. I just know something changed. It is as if someone turned on the lights. No. That's not it. There was this darkness. 

Yes?

But now it isn't?

#ConversationswithHim

Hello?

"Hello?"

.......

"Hello? Is there anyone there?"

....

"HELLO!"

"No need to shout. I hear you."

"Didn't feel like it."

"Oh, feelings. Well, you know what they say about them."

"Uh, no."

"It's just one after another. Here one minute and something else the next."

"I don't think anyone says that."

"I just did."

"I'm not feeling amused tonight."

"Do you ever?"

{sigh}

"Hmmmm."

I'm really trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do now. I'm really just so tired of everything."

"You were lifting over 40 pounds at the gym for half an hour today. And you rode a bike going nowhere for 6 miles. You should be tired."

"Not that kind of tired."

"Hummm."

"Is it wrong to want to just stop?"

"Depends."

"Can we not be cryptic today? I really need help. I need plain talk. Real advice."

"Well, you know, I authored this amazing self-help book. Best seller, too."

{eye-roll followed by sigh}

"Did you just roll your eyes?"

"Maybe. A little."

"Hmmm."

"I've read that book. I read it daily. I really need to talk to you. Or rather, I need you to talk to me. Really talk to me."

"We talk all the time."

"No. I talk all the time. Long painful dialogue followed by silence."

"You're not listening."

..............................................................

"Are you all right?"

"If I was all right, I wouldn't be blogging an imaginary conversation with you."

"Are you angry with me?"

"I'm angry, yes."

"At whom?"

"Me. Just me. I can't figure out how to just walk away. I don't want to care anymore."

"Ooo, difficult."

"That's it? That's all you have to say?"

"Pretty much."

...................................................................................................................

"Doesn't help much, does it?"

"Why can't you just help me? Why can't you fix things I can't fix?"

"Well, I could..."    

"Then DO IT!"

"You didn't let me finish. I could, but then you wouldn't develop properly. Your growth would be stunted. It would impair your ability to discern things. You must learn to stand on your own feet."

"I think I can manage that at this point. It is the rest I have trouble with. I'm not talking about me!"

"I know this. There are several others you have worn yourself out worrying about and you need to put that down."

"I can't do that."

"Then you'll be crushed beneath a load you need not bear. And you need to stop trying to fix things in the past. They're done. You can't change it." 

"I have to fix things."

"No, you don't. You can't."

"What do I do?"

"I just told you."

..........................

"You're not listening."

#ConversationsWithHim

Unfinished

 They just keep rolling in, you know?

It's just clouds. 

No. It isn't just clouds. It's stuff. So much stuff and I'm so weary of stuff.

There's sunshine beyond those dark clouds. 

Why can't I see that?

Sometimes you need clouds to shelter you from the harshness of the sun. The rain cleanses you.

What about the weight of those? The rain, the hail, the wind, the destruction?

The clouds pass and the sunshines again. What about the heat? The searing winds that scorch the life out of the grass? Dry air that blisters the skin? 

............. Why must it always be one or the other? Why isn't there a place in the middle where there's no pain, no grief, no hollowness?

There is. You're not there yet. You just have to keep going. 

I'm so tired. Things I used to think mattered don't anymore. I keep looking at everything and wondering why I still bother with it. You know, I've been working on this rug since January. I can only do a bit at time because of the pain in my hands. I'm 15 rows from being finished. Last night I looked at it and thought about just stopping and forgetting those 15 rows. They'll take days, maybe weeks, if my swollen hands have anything to do with it. I can stop now and it's finished. 

Or you can actually finish it, and it will look as you imagined. You will have completed the pattern. Every time you step on it, it will remind you of how hard you worked, the effort it took, and the joy it brings because you finished it. 

I'm not sure it's worth it anymore. It's just a rug. People will walk on it and never notice it except in passing. It will wear out and I'll toss it. No one will remember it, not even me.

Are we still talking about the same thing?

I don't know what I'm talking about. 

#Conversations With Him

What You Can't See

"Just leave the back door open."

I had a guy come out to check on capturing the critter under the house. Mike found someone, but it's going to be expensive.

Nature can be pretty destructive, even unintentional. That is a nice, spacious apartment under the house. Even a homeless person would be glad to get it.

Uh... 

You try living under a bridge in the summer.

Well, yeah, I guess that's true. But I don't have a homeless person living under there. Thank God!

You're welcome. 

I don't really know what is under there. He said he'd catch it, whatever it is. You don't happen to know what it is?

Silly girl! Of course I do. I just like surprises.

Uh...

Listen, life is bursting with things you don't know. And ...

I'm not happy about it.

Yes, but that's not where I was going. As I was saying, the unexpected happens, things get under the house.

In 30 years it has only been cats and bugs! Not some beast trying to get inside through the floor or duct work!

Be quiet.

Yes ... sir.

Sometimes you people leave an opening and a critter gets inside. Or you entice them in with treats ... donuts, candy, cookies. The only option is to leave it alone or get it out. Sometimes you need an exterminator. 

Yes, sir.

Whatever the thing is, isn't really important. It's destructive. You must get rid of that thing or it'll damage the property. 

Uh ... there's a message here, isn't there?

I can see you're tired. Should I come back?

NO! I mean, don't go yet. I'm working on it. I'll figure it out. 

You know, what you can't see can be pretty destructive. Whether it is under the house or inside ... you. You must check for cracks in the foundation, damaged mortar joints, leaky roofs, and broken windows. All are access points for things to get in. 

Ahhhh........! Why are you smiling?

Because you always get there, eventually.

Thank you, sir.

You don't have to call me sir.

I don't?

Of course not. Lord will do. 

That's a joke, right? Cause I'm not laughing until I'm sure. By the way, I don't have a cracked foundation, do I?

Looks fine to me, but keep your eyes open. 

#ConversationsWithHim

When the Battle is Over

 I had a thought this morning when I was cleaning the cat box.

I heard.

I've had so many things happen in my life that nearly broke me. I know people say that sort of thing, even Paul did. 

Human nature to think about our past and what made us who we are, especially when we don't really like who we are. 

Actually, I do like who I am. I am not perfect by any scope of the imagination. I'm perfectly flawed. 

You stole that line.

Sort of. 

Something is on your mind. Why don't you tell me?

I'm trying to figure out how to word it. My thought was that something really hates me and has been trying for a long time to break me. I don't know why. I'm nobody, have no followers, no fame. I'm the epitome of a nobody. But I was never wanted. In fact, I probably shouldn't be here.

I wouldn't have put you here if I did not intend you to be here. 

That implies a purpose. 

Yes. 

It got lost somewhere.

No.

My mother and Dad weren't married, but when he found out, did the honorable thing. They'd only had one date, for heaven's sake. She walked away after six months. From the hospital, you put me in the hands of the greatest mother I could have asked for, my beautiful Mama. 

I knew she'd care for you as if you were her own. 

I never felt less than that. But you gave me an alcoholic, Daddy. Sober, no finer man lived. But....

He was perfectly flawed. And we talked before the end. You knew you were loved. 

But never felt like I belonged anywhere. And you took her too soon. 

She gave you what you needed. You learned to be independent earlier than most. 

I couldn't bake biscuits!

But you could iron a white shirt. Besides, you didn't really need the biscuits. 

You're so funny. 

And I sent Jerry.

Oh, yes. My knight in shinning armor. So many memories. Good, bad, and terrible memories. And you took him too soon, too. 

He should have told you. 

Yes. He should. 

Where is this going? 

I had a childhood filled with me doing things that could have killed a normal child. And with trauma no child should experience. Alcohol is a monster that no one sees but the victims. Right up till Mama died, we lived with that monster. I remember islands of happiness and a sea of sadness. Then Jerry and I had so many hurdles to get past. I wish I'd had more advice from Mama. I had to battle for everything, and there were some terrible heartaches involved with keeping it together. Twice we nearly ended it. We worked through it. But in the end, I don't know if he knew how very much I loved him. He was too busy hiding the truth from me. I was so angry because I didn't understand what was happening. I'm still angry.

You're wasting energy on that. 

I don't have Mama to tell me how to stop. Ah, then there was the lost child, the two brushes with death. Two problem pregnancies and a child with a learning disorder and hearing problem. Top all that off with battles with bullies, school corporations, and depression and you have a stew of vast proportions. Children who get involved with the wrong people and drugs. I survived their youth with many wounds. 

Everyone has wounds.

Why?

Because battles cause wounds and leave scars. 

There was a bright fairy that dropped in who made the world livable, pain bearable. Then in walks Death. After that, things go really dark with only one little bright star to light the sky. Until that too disappeared. I still battle, but other unwelcome things. I get exhausted and I could sleep for days.

And as I cleaned the cat box, I realized that something really ugly hates me, always has, and has spent years wearing me down. I've survived every battle. There are so many scars than if I could actually see them, I'd look like something from a nightmare. {sigh}

Ah, the famous sigh! I haven't seen it for a while. That's probably a good sign. It means you're not giving up.

You know I never stop fighting. I may flag for a time, but stopping is not an option.

I do! You are a fierce fighter. 

Right now, I feel that I'm digging trenches. In fact, it feels like I've always been digging trenches. I'm tired. I'm dirty. There are things out there, ugly little things that snarl and snap at me. 

But you're a very good shot. You keep them at bay. 

There is a price. 

I know about the price of things. No free lunches is the human term. It's very true.

Something has spent a lot of time, effort, and energy to get at me. No, I don't stop and I won't stop. I do not care what it cost me. No, that's not true. I will care. I simply can't let that stop me. 

I'm astonished.

Remember Jephthah?

I do.

I wrote a paper about him in college. I could never forget him. He fought when no one else would. But he was careless with his words, never really considering the outcome would be so costly. He fought regardless. So, I will continue to fight the battles. But I know that the cost may be very high, but not fighting is not an option. I just get so tired.

I know.

Maybe when the last battle is done . . .

We'll do lunch. Maybe a picnic with all our friends and family. 

That sounds like heaven.

Funny you should say that.

#ConversationsWithHim

Prayers You Never Heard

 I was doing my morning devotionals Sunday morning. I always take time to pray either before or after I read my Bible. I have a list of people and issues that I pray over. When I reached my family, I had a memory that came back to me.

I remembered lying in my bed at night and listening to Mama pray. She'd call off the names of her loved ones, both her daughters and their husbands. She'd call my name, too, and that of all her grandchildren. Those prayers are probably what got me through some very hard times in my life. There were so many of them! Most were for the salvation of her family.

In the middle of this memory, I had a thought. How many prayers must we pray before it is enough? God hears us the first time we pray. This is bourn out by the Bible. Michael, the archangel, told Daniel that God had heard his pray the first day he prayed it. The answer didn't arrive for a month because Michael was fighting the Prince of Persia, a devil that controlled the spiritual realm of that land.  

I thought of the hundreds, maybe thousands of prayers I heard my Mama pray for our family. She never saw the answers to most of them. My heart breaks at that thought. Here I was praying for many of the same people, for the same thing: to recognize their need for a closer walk with God, to find salvation.

In that moment,  I ask God aloud, "How many prayers does it take?" I can't tell you why it was so heartbreaking, but it was. In moments, an answer sharp and clear as if He'd been in the room filled my mind. 

"It doesn't matter how may prayers are prayed for a person. If they do not respond to the call or voice of God, the prayers are useless and wasted."

That answer set me back a bit. I didn't expect it. Surely prayers weren't useless, wasted? That didn't fit with my faith. There was more. 

When you stand before your Judge, (and God will become our Judge,) he will bring out those prayers. He's our Savior now, but death changes our relationship with Him. 

"All the prayers prayed for you will be presented, and you will hear every prayer ever prayed for you. They will be the evidence and a testimony against you."

My mind reeled a bit at that thought. I can hear Mama praying now. I lived with her for 17 years, listening to those prayers at night. She was a praying woman and I know there were times during the day she prayed. How many prayers had she prayed for each one of us? Good Lord, the number was staggering. 

And 46 years later, I'm praying for many of the same people. I have been for a long time. They've never heard any of those prayers. They probably never heard Mama's prayers either.

But they will. We all will. 

#Conversations With Him

All The Way

 So it's 1 in the morning and I was getting ready for bed. I went to the bathroom to brush my hair and put it in a ponytail before going to bed. I made a comment in the mirror.  

"It seems like my life has been one disaster after another. Lord, I don't know how you managed to get me this far."

As clear as day the thought came into my mind, "Kicking and screaming all the way."

#Conversations with Him

Eternal Slavery

That didn't go well (speaking of the previous post).

I noticed.

Pain got out of control. A riot broke out. Criminals tearing down the country. I kind of lost direction. 

That can happen when you lose focus. You get lost.

Oh. Well, yeah, that's kind of what happened. 

I'm sorry. But you seem to have found your way back.

Yes, but I didn't keep up my 10 days of Praise as I planned. I completely flubbed it. 

That's true, but I think we've talked more lately. I've enjoyed that.

Why do I feel so down in the dumps?

Maybe because the world has become a dump? Look at what they're doing. They're saving me a lot of time burning things down. If they keep it up, I won't have much left to do.

I don't think that's funny. It's very painful to watch them try to destroy our history. It isn't perfect, but it reminds us.

They don't want reminders. They can't forgive and so they can't forget. They want to eradicate it and pretend it never happened. It is why they blame people who were in no way responsible. They feel better having someone to blame rather than admitting it can't be fixed or changed. They are stuck in the past and that is why they can't prosper. Tearing down buildings and statues makes them feel as if they've actually done something. They haven't, of course. They've destroyed their own people and lived up to the expectations of certain groups. Rather than defying the stereotypes, they've lived up to them. 

I studied history. It isn't pretty in any age. Terrible things happen to all cultures. But most of them recover, move on, and change their world for the better. Of course, corrupt people pop up and mess it up, but in virtually every case, people overcome and move toward a better state. They don't keep reliving it. 

The world no longer looks to the source of love and forgiveness. They no longer abide by holy laws. They've become corrupt in their hearts, and this damages their minds. Those who will not forgive wrongs curse themselves and their descendants to relive them and never find peace. 

Forgiveness releases one from the past? 

The past is finished, but unforgiveness acts as a chain to bind us to it. So, it binds the unforgiving to their past. And they will repeat it as long as they remain chained to it. Unforgiveness is slavery perfected. Eternally bound to the past and all its pain.

#ConversationsWithHim

Locked Doors

Today I've started seeing more photos of those dying from the virus. When I see those, it becomes very scary. I'm still a bit younger, but not that much. And then I see younger folks who have recovered talking about how bad it is. There is no good news, is there?

The fear of man bringeth a snare: but whoso putteth his trust in the Lord shall be safe. Proverbs 29:25.

Oh, well, you know what I mean.

No good news regarding the virus. That's true. 

Can't you please stop this?

No one wants my help. The world has spent decades attempting to eradicate my existence. I am banished from the planet by the inhabitants. I do not go where I am not invited. 

Me either. Not all of us feel that way.

No, but majority rules apply in your world. Until that world sincerely wants a Savior, I can't act. If you call for help and then bolt the doors and windows, it is unlikely you will receive help.

It's sounds horrible.

I gave man free will. That comes with responsibility and consequences. I did not create sin, sickness, or death. They are the inventions of man. Yet, I did send help. Man killed and buried that help and has attempted to bury every mention and destroy every representative. It doesn't get much clearer than that. 

Humanity did not and never has wanted my help. They are at the mercy of their own actions. Those who have chosen to follow me are few. But remember this, I've never ignored a sincere call from my people. 

I know this. And I know that just because we ask, doesn't mean this virus will disappear.

The laws of nature are cruel but irrevocable. The world is out of balance. And the consequences are inevitable.

Be merciful, Lord.

If I were not, the world would have ended many times over. 

#ConversationsWithHim

Beyond That Point

So many people frightened.

I know. People I haven't talked to in years are calling.

... Oh ... wow.

I don't mind, but they don't listen. Breaks my heart.

...

What? Didn't you think I cared?

Yes, of course. I just hadn't thought of it from that perspective.

No one does.

I'm sorry. Are you complaining?

What? No! Of course not. I'm so happy to hear from them. I wish they'd call more often. And perhaps before it's too late.

Is it too late?

For some, yes. For many more in the coming days.

I've been concerned.

You've been terrified. 

Well, maybe a little.

No. A lot. But for you, that's nothing new.

Oh. Wow.

Hmm, yeah. 

I am trying to do better, for Sarah's sake. But the situation is so dangerous for me.

For you, every situation is dire.

Uh...

Close your mouth. Listen, you're always worried about something. And a suppressed immune system is something to be concerned about, particularly when viruses abound. Durning a pandemic, I completely understand. 

I sense a 'but'.

But you tell me you trust me. 

I do!

With what?

Why with ... with ... everything!

And if you get this virus?

I don't want to get this virus! I'm trying to stay isolated and sterilize everything possible.

But what if you get the virus?

I don't know. I have people relying on me. I can't think about that because I ...

Because you don't know what to do if it happens. You have no contingency plan. 

No.

And neither does anyone else. No one prepared for this day. The panic set in because no one ever believed the entire population could become ill in a matter of weeks. The idea most of the world could perish in a matter of days is incomprehensible to humanity. And yet it has happened before. You people never learn from the past.

I know. I studied the past for 5 years!

Ah. But with that knowledge, you still don't trust me.

I try. Very hard.

I know. Enough?

... I don't know. I hope so.

You're painfully honest. 

People don't like it. Not good if you want friends.

We're friends. I find it refreshing. 

I do trust you. It isn't the destination I fear; I fear the journey.

So, what is the post really about?

Don't I trust you?

I think you do up to a point. It is beyond that point that you can't see and that frightens you far more than this virus.

What do I do?

You'll never see beyond that point, blinded by fear. It isn't your trust that is the problem.

Oh ... It's my fear.

These talks are just the best, aren't they?

#ConversationsWithHim

Cooked

What a horrible summer. Hot as Satan's kitchen and so much chaos that I can't begin to even describe it.

What do you suppose he'd cook?

Excuse me?

You said "Satan's kitchen". I just wondered what he'd cook there.

UH, wow, really I'm not sure I want to think about that. 

Well, you probably shouldn't reference things you don't want to discuss. I thought you came here to talk.

....

Cat got your tongue?

No. No. I'm fine but this is a strange discussion. I've no idea how it started. 

Well...

Never mind. It doesn't matter. I do want to talk. Things ... everything has been so horrible. I don't know what to do or how to stop it. 

I'm not sure you can stop it.

What! What does that mean?

It rains on the just and the unjust. Troubles come to everyone. 

That isn't much help. Financially, I've reached a limit. I had to go back to work and honestly, it's rough. Physically, I'm spent.

I know but you're not sitting around fretting over Sarah.

And that's another thing. Everything out of the blue, totally uprooted, disrupted her life. Again. She was so traumatized. 

Be honest here, you had a suspicion it was coming for months. You could have acted sooner if you hadn't been so selfish and afraid.

Yes. But I am selfish and afraid. Most of the time. I didn't know how to fix it. I only realized what I had to do when it all blew up in our face. Watching her tormented and heartbroken over and over for weeks was too much to bear. No one should hurt another that way.

And when the chips were down, you stepped aside and gave me the key.

Yes. 

And you knew it was the right thing to do.

Yes. As soon I said the words, I knew. I also knew the cost of that decision. 

But you still did it. 

Yes, and I'm still paying. 

.....

Tell me, will you just get him off my back? Send him back to the kitchen or wherever it is he goes. This continued assault won't change anything now. I did what I had to do, and I'd do it again. I won't change my mind. I won't stop. I've dragged myself from many battlefields and patched myself up. As long as I breathe, I'll keep doing that. This is just one more battle he can't win. 

I'll speak to him. But you know he's a disobedient son. Never listens. He's blocked my number, I'm sure.

I'd laugh, but it isn't funny. Send one of your guys to rough him up or something. I need reinforcements ... no; I need replacements. I'm tired.

You know, you did a good thing. 

No. I did a necessary thing. I'll never feel good about it. But some things are more important than feeling good. Sometimes the thing that hurts the most, makes the biggest difference to someone else. Sometimes you have to give up so someone else can be at peace. She needs to be happy. She needs to feel safe and secure. It was not in my power to give that to her.  

Will you be all right?

You're asking me? You know better than I. Does it matter?

Certainly.

Well then, we must wait and see.

#ConversationsWithHim

A Terrifying Adventure

Well, that was uneventful.

You were expecting fireworks?

One does on New Year’s. I heard a few explosions so wasn’t a total bust but that stomach bug wasn’t nice.

You’re tired. You haven’t slept in 24 hrs.  

I know. I’m going to bed soon, though. I had something I needed to do.

Really?

Mm, yes. I wanted to take a minute to tell you how very grateful I am to see the start of a new year. I’m so thankful for all you have carried me through and all the provisions you’ve made for me. 

You’re welcome. There were a few times I wondered. 

Yes, about that. I’m sorry. I get so overwhelmed these days. There was a time when I could handle a lot more but ... that’s long gone. I’m tired of trying to be perfect and to cope with ... everything. But I am glad you’ve kept me safe, provided for my needs, and blessed me with your presence. You are my anchor.

Well, it makes me happy to help you. But you know, you don’t have to be perfect or cope with everything. You could try letting me handle more of it. 

It frightens me when I can’t control things that need control. I once thrived on handling all the problems, now I can’t seem to deal with the simplest ones. And those big ones, I can’t begin ...

Then don’t. Just let them go. You’ve been trying to do that more. I’ve noticed. But you have a long way to go. Some things you can’t fix.  

I’ve taken care of things so long. What if something goes wrong? What if something bad happens? I can’t risk letting my guard down. There are people who depend on me.

Yes, I know. They all trust you. Now, why don’t you trust me. I’ve got big shoulders. 

I do. I’m trying. Sometimes we need a real human hug and real human shoulders. It is what I miss most of Jerry. When it got hard, there were those hugs and shoulders. 

Stop looking back. Face forward, one foot in front of the other. Today is the first day of a new year. Here, just take my hand. 

I don’t know what’s ahead.

For now, there’s nothing ahead. Today is all there is. The future is not formed yet. It is only a series of potential events shaped by those who move forward, into it. You can turn left or right and that decision is the catalyst. What lies ahead only takes shape as you move through it. Stop trying to see what doesn’t exist.  

I never thought about it like that. It’s a little terrifying.

All adventures are terrifying. The adventure keeps you moving. 


#ConversationsWithHim

Finding a Way Out of the Fog

I thought I'd share my latest summer vacation photos with you. If it seems a little unclear, you're experiencing exactly what I have experienced.

Isn't that just a photo of ... fog?

Yep.

So, you're saying your summer was foggy? Uhmmm, I seem to remember lots of sun and triple-digit temperatures in your location. Were you somewhere else?

Nope. Well, I visited several states in the southeast but they all look the same.

I'm not following you.

Well, the photos might have been better if you had.

Cute. Your jokes are often quite good. If inappropriate. Let's be serious, because I think you are.

I'm just tired and worn out and feel like everything is out of focus. It feels as if I should see something but this ... this fog is all I'm getting. I have another shot of my life this summer. You want to see it?

Yes?

Here ya go.

Wow.

This is a nice clear shot of everything that has happened this summer. You know, the tornado was probably a sign and I just missed it. From that point on, everything has been in disarray. Chaotic.

You've survived and made it home. 

Yes. A week later my brother didn't.

....

Still no response to that, huh?

I'm not required to answer to you for such things. You can ask all day long but there are some things you are not meant to know. 

They say we'll know someday. I don't really believe that.

Why?

Because if we aren't supposed to know it now, it will be pointless to know it then. The outcome is the same and the reasons won't be important then. I suspect we won't even care. The why of it all will be obsolete.

Obsolete?

We'll be so far removed from the events that knowing the why will cease to mean anything. It won't matter then. The value of knowledge decreases over time. It will be history. And we bury history.

So, it isn't obsolete now?

Maybe but it feels important now. Pain has a way of drawing attention to the source. Time has a way of removing urgency. You reach a point where you know that you're never going to understand and never have a definitive answer. It is what it is. I don't even know sometimes if there is a reason for anything. I think there is, but I could be wrong. So, I've learned that the only thing I can do is leave the bodies behind and keep moving in what I think is a forward direction. But it might be backward. That first photo is pretty much what the road ahead looks like, for me anyway.

Through a glass darkly.

Yeah, well, I'll ask Paul when I see him but I don't think he'll care either. What is done is done and can't be undone. Even if the glass clears, it won't change it. The Great Why is meaningless after the fact. Someone once asked me what I'd ask Jesus when I saw Him. I didn't have an answer then and I don't have one now. I can't think of anything I am dying to know. That is not an intentional pun, by the way.

I'm glad to hear it. So you have nothing you want to ask?

Not at this point. Besides, the Bible says there will be a half hour of silence first. After that, there will be a thousand years of worship. I don't see any place in there where we're allowed to ask questions. There are people who believe it is a mortal sin to question God. So if I can't do it here, why would I be able to do it there? I could ask "Why did you take my Mama? Why did you take my husband? Why did you take my brother? All died before they should have. At least, in my opinion. But the truth is, my opinion is worthless in this matter. It doesn't matter what I think or want. They are gone and nothing I can say or do will change it. And asking why in 1000 years won't change it either. I can only hope I'll be able to see them again. That's all I have. That's all I'll ever have, no matter what else happens.

So, you have hope.

I guess if you want to call it that. I have a fervent desire, an endless craving. But I must be broken because the way my brain works, that's not a comfort. The phrase "it begs the question" comes to mind. Did you put that there?

Maybe. You'll have to think about it.

You know, I love God more than anything. And when you love someone that much, their power over you is tremendous. It means that they have the ability to destroy you or create you. It means that you accept their decision regardless of what that decision is. So, asking you why would be taking that power back. I can't do that. I don't mean I haven't asked: "why." I have, but my head and my heart know you will never tell me and it is extremely painful knowledge. That alone is a kind of grief. But I'd rather throw myself onto the rock than to have it fall on me. Your sovereignty is never in question. In that, I have no doubt. I still bow to your decisions. Even when I don't like them. Even when they hurt me.

I think you'll find your way out of the fog.

I hope you're right. I can't stop and wait for it to clear.

#ConversationsWithHim