Me & Jesus

 I love this meme. I don't particularly think anyone has talked about me, don't actually care. It would be the most interesting conversation they'll have in a year. But I've learned some things this last year and this reminded me. 

People don't want to have a conversation with you to see what is happening in your life. They don't want to know how YOU are or if there is anything wrong. Really. Watch their eyes glaze over if you say anything other than "fine". But they're quick to find fault if something comes out where you're in trouble, sick, or broke. "Well, she or he must have done something wrong to cause all that. God is after them." 

Yep, He sure is. He's spent the last year keeping my head just above water cause the devil harassed me on every front for a YEAR. If he had his way, I’d be homeless, walking, and no food. I mean every single front. My house, my car, my finances, my family, my health, and my peace of mind. My sanity! 

Well, you know, "We all got problems." 

Why, yes, we do! Please tell me yours so I can pray for you. I sincerely want to hear and pray for you. And if I can help you with anything, you call me, email me, text me, send a carrier pigeon. If I can't help you, I'll do my best to help you find help. I know how to do that! If I can’t do anything else, I’ll hold your hand and walk with you.

But you know what? No one said that to me. And I mentioned what I was dealing with to people. (See paragraph two.) Not ONE. Except a dozen Facebook contacts. Some of whom haven't even met me and some family. Thank God for everyone of you who did something, even if was just a message to say you were praying! I believe in prayer, but it is an extra blessing when people hear, acknowledge, and act.

I texted a virtual stranger the other day; he was a guy who cut my yard for two years when the mower died. I only saw him once every two weeks as he flew by on the mower and chatting when I paid him. He cut me a deal on the yard. I sent a text that said, “I need someone who does handy man work.” The yard man sent me a contact. I found the yard guy from a writing friend because I had a broken down mower and he sent me the details. These folks have become real friends. I have no idea how much the handyman repairs I need will cost. I’ll worry about it later.

That’s just minor problems. But starting October 2023, I had covid for the third time and was sick three months, thru Christmas. The freezer went out. I’d previously lost two freezers of food because of a faulty circuit. It’s fixed now, and I didn’t lose food, but it cost the earth. The same week, the car broke down. That cost more. Two weeks later, it broke down again. All in October and November. In one month, I spent my entire income. All of it. And no, that wasn’t the end. There were plumbing problems after New Year. And the water and light bill went up again. Groceries went up. Gas went up. 

But you know something? I've survived all of it. Because the Almighty has kept me from drowning. Even when I asked Him to let me drown. Sometimes drowning is easier. He scraped up a handful of people I didn’t know well, some family who love me, and a precious new friend who needed help as well. She needed a place to stay, and I needed a boarder. It was miraculous. It’s both a pleasure to have her here and a blessing to have the help. And then Sarah came home. 

I’ve sat here in this house feeling so unloved. And so defeated. All my life, I had people around me I could go to or resources. I worked, took care of myself, supported a second household. I’ve been faithful in paying my tithes. Yeah, you can talk about that if you want to. Suddenly, there was NO money and no friends. If I had not had a credit card, I would have been in trouble. But I owed people. And borrowed money must also be repaid. The Bible says owe no man. I owe a bunch of them. And now I could add God to the list. I was in a very bad place in every conceivable way. And alone. No one knew because no one asked. 

I realized that I’d have to just do the best with the debts I owed to men. And the debt to God? That is far greater than my pittance. It is what it is. I didn’t ask for the circumstances. I sure didn’t ask for the problems. God is very aware of my bank balance. Every dime is His, the land I live on is his, the car I drive is his. I am his. If he wants anything I have, he can just withdraw it. I’m good with that. Really. This is not my home. This is a residence. 

This month, a small light shone on my little scrap of land. No, it isn’t all fixed. I got a call from out of town. Someone paid the house payment for one month! That one thing shifted things. For a minute, I thought everything would be fine. It’s gonna take more than a minute. But that one minute … it’s gold.

Then, today, while I sat here beating myself up, grieving over money, I decided to write it all down. To pour out the poison, that is one more trick in a long list from the enemy. So, I don’t have a problem. I’m broke. I don’t have trouble. I am doing something right or the devil wouldn’t be bothering me so much. I got broke stuff. It all belongs to Jesus so he’ll have to fix it.

And I’ve decided since I survived death, I will survive this, too. And I’ll do it alone. Just me and Jesus. Or with the people who hold out their hands filled with friendship, love, and prayer. 

It's Friday the 13! Are You Scared Yet?

If you have triskaidekaphobia today is not a good day for you. Friday the 13 is supposed to be an unlucky day and some folks are terrified of it. Personally, I've had some bad things happen on many days, so the 13th is just another day when something bad could happen. 

We have to keep in mind that mostly, we're not in control of events. We can step off a curb and make it safely across the street or get hit by a bus. Depends on how observant we are at that moment. If we get to the other side, we could trip on an uneven sidewalk and fall. We
might get hurt or just embarrassed. We can't predict what any moment may bring, never mind a whole day. 

The Bible tells us that fear is not from God. Actually, in Timothy says, "For God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." (2 Tim 1:7) 

Fear makes us crazy! But that's not God's doing. It's a spirit called Fear.

Isaiah 41:10 says, "Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness."

Fear makes us dismayed, meaning: to cause to lose enthusiasm or resolution; disillusion or discourage: To upset or distress. It robs us of our strength and our vision. We lose hope. But God tells us he'll make us strong. 

Two verses later he says, "For I the LORD thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee. (Isa 41:13)  

The Lord is going to hold our hand and help us! 

David said, "The LORD is on my side; I will not fear: what can man do unto me?" (Psa 118:6)  

Well, man can hurt me! Right? Yep, but again, we have God whispering in our ear, encouraging us and holding our hand. He's going ahead of us to prepare the way. 

"Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the LORD thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee."(Deut 31:6) 

"So that we may boldly say, The Lord is my helper, and I will not fear what man shall do unto me." (Heb 13:6)  

Not only is he going ahead of us, he will not abandon us in the middle of the fight. That's the only way to defeat fear. You must fight it until fear has no power over you. 

"I don't know how to do that?" Drown your fear in the Word. There is no comfort anywhere like it. No, it doesn't solve your problems. Life teaches us to solve problems. No, it won't even answer every question. The Bible tells us that only when we face God will we know everything. But it isn't about finding an answer to every question, it is about finding a source of strength, comfort, and peace to help us continue moving forward. 

"Be careful for nothing; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passes all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6-7)

"I sought the LORD, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears." (Psa 34:4)  He hears us; he holds our hand, he goes before us. What chance does fear have against such a foe?

We can defeat fear. I can't tell you how long or how difficult it will be for you. I can only promise that if you wrap yourself in His Word, if you talk with Him, lean on Him, you will build a house where fear can't survive for long. 

Finding Faith

 

A few weeks ago, I appeared to be in the middle of a crisis. I didn’t know what was wrong with me, but a terrible depression enveloped me like locusts. Despite sleeping for 10 hours a day, I was exhausted and couldn’t think well. I woke up tired and went to bed tired. Naps lasted 2 to 4 hours, and I still went to bed tired. Keeping my laundry clean and changing the sheets became insurmountable efforts. Becca came and helped clean the cat boxes and floors. I don’t know what I’d do without her sometimes. An ex-daughter-in-law who does things like that for you is a rare treasure. She owes me nothing, yet she helps when needed.

There were a lot of things going on in my life at the time and since Jerry died, I don’t cope well. I’m sorry if you think you get over it, but the trauma of seeing someone die the way he did doesn’t go away… ever. Stresses, of any sort, just about slay me. Believe me when I say that is not who I was prior to January 2009. 

However, I suspected the problem had a physical source. The spiritual realm saw it as an opportunity to jump on me with both metaphysical feet. When this happens, it is nightmarish. It is a dark, lonely road and I am alone. No, really. Alone.

Yes, I prayed. I had long, rambling conversations with God about all my troubles. I ranted. He listened. I read my Bible, looking for answers. Found nothing helpful. I asked questions he didn’t answer. I cried and cried and cried. For days, I’d find myself just torn in pieces. 

Despite what they tell you, you do not find solutions to every problem in the Bible. I’m sorry to disillusion anyone. They’re not all there. What you find are ways to cope with the unanswerable questions. You find direction in how to navigate a world where some problems aren’t ever solved and never will be solved. 

One evening, I addressed the subject of faith. Sometimes I feel stupid talking to someone who isn’t visible. I only do that at home… usually. I have done it in my car and once a passenger asked me about it.

Anyway, I reached a place where I was so frustrated. I said, “I don’t even know what faith is! I can’t say that to anyone because they’d quote Hebrews 1:11 ‘Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.’”

“What does that even mean? It makes no sense and is confusing. There is no substance of something you hope for. They don’t exist except in the mind! Something not seen has no form.”

I’m sure I didn’t word it exactly that way, but that was the basic content of my rant. Hear me, God doesn’t mind your rants. God understands them. Jesus ranted in the temple. He used a whip on them. So, he gets rants. Believe it or not, he responds to them nicely. He remains silent and lets you get it out of your system. 

My only option at this point was to open my Bible and show him what I was talking about. (Cause he must not have read that verse, of course.) I explained I didn’t know what it was and didn’t understand it and that I must be a terrible person and going to hell because maybe I didn’t have any faith at all and without faith it is impossible to please Him………. 

I can’t say how long my rant lasted. I was hurting, so it probably wasn't long. My heart hurt and I had a weary mind and a troubled soul. My body was feeling the effects of those locust feet. Still crying, I decided the best I could do was just go to bed. 

I’ve started reading a section of Psalms over the last few months. Prayer in dark places is difficult, and I found it impossible to find words to pray that didn’t sound self serving and repetitive to me. David did a better job of praying than I could ever hope to emulate. I dried my tears and read.

The passage I read was Psalms 119:33-50. You should read it. 

    33. HE. Teach me, O LORD, the way of thy statutes; and I shall keep it unto the end.

    34. Give me understanding, and I shall keep thy law; yea, I shall observe it with my whole heart.

    35. Make me to go in the path of thy commandments; for therein do I delight.

    36. Incline my heart unto thy testimonies, and not to covetousness.

    37. Turn away mine eyes from beholding vanity; and quicken thou me in thy way.

    38. Stablish thy word unto thy servant, who is devoted to thy fear.

    39. Turn away my reproach which I fear: for thy judgments are good.

    40. Behold, I have longed after thy precepts: quicken me in thy righteousness.

    41. VAU. Let thy mercies come also unto me, O LORD, even thy salvation, according to thy word.

    42. So shall I have wherewith to answer him that reproacheth me: for I trust in thy word.

    43. And take not the word of truth utterly out of my mouth; for I have hoped in thy judgments.

    44. So shall I keep thy law continually for ever and ever.

    45. And I will walk at liberty: for I seek thy precepts.

    46. I will speak of thy testimonies also before kings, and will not be ashamed.

    47. And I will delight myself in thy commandments, which I have loved.

    48. My hands also will I lift up unto thy commandments, which I have loved; and I will meditate in thy statutes.

    49. ZAIN. Remember the word unto thy servant, upon which thou hast caused me to hope.

    50. This is my comfort in my affliction: for thy word hath quickened me.

There are following parts of of Psalms 119 I also read sometimes, but this is basically my bedtime prayer. And this night I read this section. And was smacked between the eyes. 

“Remember the word unto thy servant, upon which thou hast caused me to hope.”

I stumbled over that and cried again. I looked further back into the passage. “... for I trust in thy word”

Remember the word to your servant, which you caused me to hope in and in which I trust.

Faith. Faith is the substance of things hoped for. Remember your word that caused me to hope. I trust your Word. This is my comfort in my affliction! You gave me your word, made me hope in your word. And I trust your Word. 

I don't believe I need to say anything else. You get it.

Unpacking

 I really have to be careful what I pray for these days. I've been working through some things and asking God to remove negative things from my life. Emotions, feelings, thoughts, and people. It seems to be working. Hardly anyone ever calls me anymore. Ha Ha Ha!

Seriously, I've had a few things happen that kind of stopped me in my tracks. One Sunday before I got up for church, I had a dream about some people from my past who caused me a lot of stress and turmoil. In the dream they were very unkind, saying the things they thought about me. I woke so depressed that it affected my entire day. 

Why had I dreamed about people I haven't seen in years and who I didn't really care about? At least I didn't think I cared. I realized pretty quickly that this was about some unopened baggage that I needed to handle. I have since prayed about it and I hope I've donated that luggage to Him. 

Another time memories from another past connection came back to me and overwhelmed me with so much hatred for that person I would have hurt them physically if opportunity and conscience allowed. No, really. It scared me. I prayed about it. I still deal with powerful emotions over it but I'm working to get totally past that. 

This week I'm dealing with trust issues. My childhood contained a lot of traumas. My grandparents raised me. They were Mama & Daddy. Daddy drank a lot on the weekends and on every holiday. Those days are full of terrible memories. My parents basically left me, move in opposite directions, and never looked back. All the people I relied on, except Mama, failed me. Other relatives stepped in where they could to fill gaps. Still, the result is I grew up believing if something needed doing, I'd be better off doing it myself. And if I wanted it done right, I definitely had to do it myself. I trust no one to solve my problems or resolve anything. It affected my life and the lives of my family. 

This is what hit me in the last 24 hours. 

"You don't trust me either."

"But I do!"

"Think about it for a moment."

I did. "No, I do trust you."

"You've asked me several things several times. And you've instructed me on how to resolve the issues."

"Well, yes, but..."

"Do you really think I don't know what I'm doing?"

"No, I know you do. I just want you to understand what I'm asking."

"Uh, I understand English, even your drawling vowels."

"Ouch."

"Sorry but you need to realize that I'm not any of those people who let you down."

"I know that! I never thought that."

"Yes, somewhere, deep down inside, you don't trust me to handle your problems. You are so afraid the outcome will not be up to your expectations. You want to handle it yourself. Then you would know it was done correctly."

"No. I can't fix these things. I can't do them. Only you can."

"Then let me do it. And let me do it my way. And on my timeline."

..........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

"You're right. I have trust issues. I don't trust me either. I don't trust me to make the right decision. I don't trust other people to do the right thing. I don't trust anyone. I don't know how. I know you take care of me, have provided for everything I need."

"But you don't think I can fix the concerns you've expressed to me."

"No."

"Thank you!"

"For what?"

"Being honest. You'd be surprised how many people think they can fool me."

"No. I'm probably one of them."

"Half the battle is admitting you have a problem."

"I have several."

"One thing at a time, please. Trust me!"

"Help me."

"I can't if you don't trust me."

"Oh. Well,.... can we talk about this time thing?"

"No!"

"But I really don't think I have that much time left."

"This isn't a production line! And if it were, you're not in charge."  

"Right. You're right."

"You only get points for telling the truth once."

"I'm going to do better. Really."

"I trust you."

"Oh.....

 

#ConversationswithHim

Beyond That Point

So many people frightened.

I know. People I haven't talked to in years are calling.

... Oh ... wow.

I don't mind, but they don't listen. Breaks my heart.

...

What? Didn't you think I cared?

Yes, of course. I just hadn't thought of it from that perspective.

No one does.

I'm sorry. Are you complaining?

What? No! Of course not. I'm so happy to hear from them. I wish they'd call more often. And perhaps before it's too late.

Is it too late?

For some, yes. For many more in the coming days.

I've been concerned.

You've been terrified. 

Well, maybe a little.

No. A lot. But for you, that's nothing new.

Oh. Wow.

Hmm, yeah. 

I am trying to do better, for Sarah's sake. But the situation is so dangerous for me.

For you, every situation is dire.

Uh...

Close your mouth. Listen, you're always worried about something. And a suppressed immune system is something to be concerned about, particularly when viruses abound. Durning a pandemic, I completely understand. 

I sense a 'but'.

But you tell me you trust me. 

I do!

With what?

Why with ... with ... everything!

And if you get this virus?

I don't want to get this virus! I'm trying to stay isolated and sterilize everything possible.

But what if you get the virus?

I don't know. I have people relying on me. I can't think about that because I ...

Because you don't know what to do if it happens. You have no contingency plan. 

No.

And neither does anyone else. No one prepared for this day. The panic set in because no one ever believed the entire population could become ill in a matter of weeks. The idea most of the world could perish in a matter of days is incomprehensible to humanity. And yet it has happened before. You people never learn from the past.

I know. I studied the past for 5 years!

Ah. But with that knowledge, you still don't trust me.

I try. Very hard.

I know. Enough?

... I don't know. I hope so.

You're painfully honest. 

People don't like it. Not good if you want friends.

We're friends. I find it refreshing. 

I do trust you. It isn't the destination I fear; I fear the journey.

So, what is the post really about?

Don't I trust you?

I think you do up to a point. It is beyond that point that you can't see and that frightens you far more than this virus.

What do I do?

You'll never see beyond that point, blinded by fear. It isn't your trust that is the problem.

Oh ... It's my fear.

These talks are just the best, aren't they?

#ConversationsWithHim

A Terrifying Adventure

Well, that was uneventful.

You were expecting fireworks?

One does on New Year’s. I heard a few explosions so wasn’t a total bust but that stomach bug wasn’t nice.

You’re tired. You haven’t slept in 24 hrs.  

I know. I’m going to bed soon, though. I had something I needed to do.

Really?

Mm, yes. I wanted to take a minute to tell you how very grateful I am to see the start of a new year. I’m so thankful for all you have carried me through and all the provisions you’ve made for me. 

You’re welcome. There were a few times I wondered. 

Yes, about that. I’m sorry. I get so overwhelmed these days. There was a time when I could handle a lot more but ... that’s long gone. I’m tired of trying to be perfect and to cope with ... everything. But I am glad you’ve kept me safe, provided for my needs, and blessed me with your presence. You are my anchor.

Well, it makes me happy to help you. But you know, you don’t have to be perfect or cope with everything. You could try letting me handle more of it. 

It frightens me when I can’t control things that need control. I once thrived on handling all the problems, now I can’t seem to deal with the simplest ones. And those big ones, I can’t begin ...

Then don’t. Just let them go. You’ve been trying to do that more. I’ve noticed. But you have a long way to go. Some things you can’t fix.  

I’ve taken care of things so long. What if something goes wrong? What if something bad happens? I can’t risk letting my guard down. There are people who depend on me.

Yes, I know. They all trust you. Now, why don’t you trust me. I’ve got big shoulders. 

I do. I’m trying. Sometimes we need a real human hug and real human shoulders. It is what I miss most of Jerry. When it got hard, there were those hugs and shoulders. 

Stop looking back. Face forward, one foot in front of the other. Today is the first day of a new year. Here, just take my hand. 

I don’t know what’s ahead.

For now, there’s nothing ahead. Today is all there is. The future is not formed yet. It is only a series of potential events shaped by those who move forward, into it. You can turn left or right and that decision is the catalyst. What lies ahead only takes shape as you move through it. Stop trying to see what doesn’t exist.  

I never thought about it like that. It’s a little terrifying.

All adventures are terrifying. The adventure keeps you moving. 


#ConversationsWithHim

Who Is Driving?

Wikimedia.org - Stolen Rembrandt 
Christ Calms The Sea

I have another post I wanted to share based on a Sunday School lesson a few weeks ago by a man in our church. He quoted Mark 4:35-40, the story of Jesus calming the storm. The story was used to emphasize a point in his lesson.

If you've attended Sunday School as a kid, you know this story. You can watch a short video of it here if you like. Or you can read the text:



Mark 4:35-41 King James Version (KJV)

35 And the same day, when the even was come, he saith unto them, Let us pass over unto the other side.
36 And when they had sent away the multitude, they took him even as he was in the ship. And there were also with him other little ships.
37 And there arose a great storm of wind, and the waves beat into the ship, so that it was now full.
38 And he was in the hinder part of the ship, asleep on a pillow: and they awake him, and say unto him, Master, carest thou not that we perish?
39 And he arose, and rebuked the wind, and said unto the sea, Peace, be still. And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm.
40 And he said unto them, Why are ye so fearful? how is it that ye have no faith?

41 And they feared exceedingly, and said one to another, What manner of man is this, that even the wind and the sea obey him?

As I was reading the text something set me to thinking. It's a small detail that, while I may have always known it, I never really thought much about it. "And he was in the hinder part of the ship, asleep on a pillow:". 

Ships, great and small, have a front, back, and sides but they don't call them that. The front is the bow or stem. The left is port and the right is starboard. The back is the stern or, in this case, the hinder part of the ship. I thought about the implication of Jesus being asleep in the stern of the ship. Why the stern? Well, it might be calmer in the rear. As a boat moves along on the water, the bow hits waves and will bounce. Not very conducive to a sound sleep, and let's be clear here, Jesus was sleeping soundly. A violent storm with thrashing waves, rain, wind, lightning, and probably thunder was going on around him and he slept through it. So, obviously the stern is a good place to sleep.

Aside from a comfy mattress, what made the stern special? I'm not a sailor but I know enough to know that a sailing ship is powered by wind. The sails propel the ship across the surface of the water. If the wind dies, the sails are useless and the ship will come to a dead stop. However, while the sails are powerful in the wind, they are not responsible for directing the path of the ship. That job belongs to the rudder, a relatively small item in the very rear of the ship, extending into the water. It is attached to the tiller, which in the case of small sailing vessels, is manipulated by a human being... sitting in the stern of the ship. The reason there was a pillow is because sitting on a hard bench is uncomfortable, especially if you're spending a lot of time at the tiller, your back against the rail and your butt on a board.

OK, are you getting this? Cause I can spell it out.

At some point, Jesus was sitting in the stern, right next to the rudder, a type of steering wheel, of the boat he was in. He fell asleep. The storm came up.

I'm skeptical that you could lie down in the stern of the ship with someone else operating the rudder. You'd really be in their way. They have to manipulate the tiller to direct the rudder, to turn the ship. In a storm, this would be an insane job. And there's this guy sleeping under your feet? Uh, no, on your seat!

I don't think anyone else was steering that ship. I think Jesus, who was already in the ship when they got in. (See verse 36) And to my way of thinking, he was driving the bus... I mean boat.

Make of it what you will. But I see him getting up and saying (metaphorically), "Hey, will you relax! I'm driving this boat. And I'm managing this storm." The driver of the boat steered them right into a storm that he was controlling.

It was a profound revelation for me but during my research I discovered one more interesting thing. In virtually all the paintings and images I reviewed, Jesus is standing in the bow of the ship, not seated or lying in the stern. I Googled dozens of pages until I ran across an article about a stolen Rembrandt, the image at the top of the page. It is a beautiful painting and it shows Jesus on the starboard side, near the stern but not in the stern. Why do all the painters place him in the bow?

Because in our small minds, a man in charge will be in the front of the ship, sails filled with the power of the wind. And yet, in a storm, that would be the last thing you'd want. In storms, you shorten or reef the sails so they get the least amount of wind. Billowing sails can cause an imbalance that will swamp you or damage your vessel.These were experienced fishermen in that ship. They would have already done everything they knew to do before they woke Jesus. The sails wouldn't have been billowing, they'd be reefed.

The story takes on a whole new significance to me after this. Jesus was steering the ship and they were worried. No wonder he said, "Why are you afraid. Why do you have so little faith (in me and my abilities)?"

How many times have I felt that Jesus was asleep and not paying attention to what was going on around us? Oh how many times I've forgotten who was steering the whole time!

A Star to Steer By

It's been interesting, you know?

I try to make it so. What, exactly, have you found interesting?

I'm different.

Really?

At least, today I am. I have been for a bit.

How so?

I'm not sure. Something is different.

In a good way, I hope.

.... I think so.... Yes.

Well, I'm glad to hear it. 

The medicine has given me a chance to breathe.

And we certainly want you breathing.

That's funny.

I try.

Seriously....

I was. But we're digressing. What is different.

I'm in the right place. For the first time, in a very long time, I feel I'm in the right spot. Or at least on the right road.

Oh, well, that's good. You must have been reading the map.

{sigh} I always read the maps.

Sure you do.

Anyway, at some point in the last several months, something shifted and I knew the decisions I'd made were the right ones. That, whatever else happened, I had turned onto the right road and was headed .... north?

It's a direction.

Yes, well, as a southerner one might say the wrong direction. But the north star is used to navigate. If one is lost, find the north star and get your bearings.

You've found your bearings?

...................... I think so. But I'm still afraid.

No surprise there. It is one of your most endearing qualities.

..........................

I mean it in the nicest way. When you are afraid, you always call me. 

I'm sorry. I try very hard not to be afraid.

You don't trust yourself very much and sometimes you don't trust me either. I'll tell you a secret.

Yes?

You've actually started trusting me more. 

Are you being funny again? Because...

No, I'm serious. You're still a little terrified. But overall, I'm very pleased with your progress.

Me, too.

#ConversationsWithHim

Crucible

Courtesy Pixabay.com

I sat down to write something today that would fit in with my praise theme. I can't think of anything. The world is going through so much pain. Israel is under attack and that grieves me and people are so hateful toward Christians, who are blamed for everything that happens, but the accusers are the worst of the lot because they refuse to take responsibility for their own actions. It is a world gone mad.

We have corrupt leaders seeking to destroy the greatest country ever created, a country that up until the last 30 years has been blessed beyond measure. We've chosen to follow an evil path and watching the nation that I love, that my family has served, travel the road to destruction is a nightmare. Americans chanting for the downfall of a nation born from the desire for freedom from tyranny, forged in fires of wars fought to maintain that freedom, now led by cowards and tyrants. Has anyone stopped to think what they'll get once it is gone? It won't be freedom. It won't be a democracy. It won't be liberty and justice for all. What comes next is hell on earth and they're too blind to even see it.

I've turned a blind eye for a long time. I've given opportunities, sent messengers, averted disasters and still they rail against me and my laws. They destroy all that is holy and good in favor of perversion and evil.  They would wallow in the pig pen rather than live the palace. 

So I give them the pit. I've turned my back and they will not see my face until my return. I've closed my ears and they will not hear my voice until the day of judgment. They have broken down the barrier of protection I established and the enemy is now allowed to do as he wills. Until my time. I've withdrawn the covering and poured out the vails. The crucible has begun. 

I will still hold fast the good, Lord. I will still praise you. Keep me in the center of your will and surround me with your grace and mercy. Forgive us for all our sins. Protect your people. Preserve and protect and give peace to Israel. Surround her with a barrier of protection that can't be broken. And God have mercy on us all.


*****At times, I do not understand some of what I write on this blog. I don't plan it or write from notes. It is all spontaneous. Usually, I write with no effort and the responses to my own thoughts often surprise me. Today something is different. There is much troubling in the world that could stifle praise and thankgiving. My intention was to do as I always do but I simply couldn't find the words. This is what resulted. I do not know why, but I've always followed my gut when writing. So, for what it is worth, whether you like it or not, whether you agree or not, it is what it is.

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A Night In the ER with God

If you're on my Facebook page, you already know I spent last night in the ER. Sarah had a fever of 102 and since I'd spent the night before dealing with her vomiting, I felt it was time to find out what was going on. She has a UTI and her lymph glands in her lower abdomen are swollen, probably a result of the infection.

They did blood work and for Sarah, this is a horrible experience. From the time she was barely 6 weeks old until she was about 4, she had febrile seizures. She spent many long nights in ERS having IV's put in her tiny arms, hard bracing strapped to the arm or her arm strapped to her side to prevent pulling the IV out. She had vials and vials of blood drawn and redrawn. She's spent as many as 10 days in the hospital for things that normal children deal with at home. The problem back then was her low weight. She was a small baby and a tiny little toddler. Think Tinkerbell. She'd catch a bug, start vomiting, and become dehydrated and had to go to the ER. Her weight was so low, that after a day of vomiting, she was in danger and we couldn't get her weight up enough before she was sick again. Children in the first four years catch a lot of stuff. It is necessary to survive. So to the hospital we'd go and she'd end up there for a few days or a week, depending on the severity of the virus, or the vomiting.

To make a long story short, she is terrified of needles, screaming, hysterical, terrified of them. For years, they had to hold or tie her down to get blood work or put IV's in. Now, she's 9 years old and hasn't had a febrile seizure for 4-5 years and hasn't had many ER visits since that time but just talking about the possibility of needles sends her into hysterics.

Last night was no different. I tried to calm her when the nurse walked in with her gear. The nurse tried to talk to her. She wasn't hearing us. Eventually, we had to tell her if she didn't calm down, lie still, and let them put the IV in her arm, they were going to have to hold her down. I knew when they tried to put that needle in her arm, she'd be kicking, clawing, and screaming to the rafters.

Finally, we were out of time. The nurse called a name and this huge man walked in. Of course, Sarah realized what was coming. I explained to him her background and he was so very gentle when he approached her and did a really great job of being nonaggressive about it. He just held her arm and talked to her. He and the nurse got her to lie reasonably still, but she was still hysterical. They got the port in, hooked up the IV, and turned off the light to help her rest.

Rest was out of the question. Sarah was inconsolable. It hurt. She couldn't move it. She couldn't touch it. Her body was so tense you could have strummed the cords in her neck. Her eyes were red. She could barely speak for crying. She cried for Daddy, Mama, and to go home. I couldn't soothe her and was at my wits end. I've seen this so many times and it is stressful for all of us when we have to go through this with her.

I told her I was going to pray for her. I did, but she just couldn't seem to calm down. Finally, I put my head down on the edge of the bed and silently, I told God that I needed him to calm her down and give her peace. I told him I was asking for her, not me and that she needed it right now, not in a little while. I sat by her and in moments she grew quiet and the pain in the arm seemed to be, if not gone, at least not terrifying. For several minutes, she lay quiet and watched cartoons. Then she rolled over and went to sleep. I had to adjust the IV arm to prevent her lying on it. She slept soundly for a few hours until they came to do the CAT scan.

I am so thankful that God can answer prayers immediately. He doesn't do that often for me. In fact, I can't remember ever seeing a prayer answered in minutes but Sarah went from hysterical sobbing to quiet and watching cartoons, and then to sleep in just minutes. That's an on-time God.