I had that feeling a few times recently and I always kick myself for tolerating it. Today a verse in my email sort of opened my eyes about a few things about why that is.
"He that covereth a transgression seeketh love; but he that repeateth a matter
separateth very friends." --Proverbs 17:9
There are two kinds of people in the world... well there's a lot more but for the sake of this post, there's two.
One are those who, when injured in some way will simply turn away and never mention it. They'll never address it with the offender or anyone else. They may be deeply hurt and may rail in private, with themselves and with God but no one will ever know who hurt them or how deeply. They may have one person who is a confidant that they'll share with but even that is a rare thing.
Then there are those who will broadcast to all and sundry the depth, breath, and height of their injury. Every person they know will be regaled with a play by play account of an event that infuriated them, insulted them, wounded them. Every time they see you, you will be forced to listen to their account.
I used to know a woman like that. She and her family, siblings and parents, frequently had big spats. She'd come to work and start at one end of the hall and work her way to the other, stopping at every office to tell what they'd done to her and what she'd said to them, and relate all the details. Ultimately they were in the wrong. She'd repeat the same story over and over again. She would do this with every argument she had with anyone, even a co-worker.
I can remember walking up and down the hall several times and hearing it repeated in a different office each time. She never changed the story either. I managed to stop her coming to my office several years ago by confronting her over an issue. She never got over it. I heard the story repeated for weeks. I can't say I was sorry. I was far more sorry for my co-workers.
It was often remarked that this woman appeared to have no friends of any sort. She never talked about things she did with friends, never mentioned the names of anyone outside her family. She knew a lot of people from her job but she appeared to have no social life except when invited by co-workers. She had absolutely no hobbies of any kind. Her whole existence was her job. Everything she did was spent with the very people who gave her the most grief.
When I got the verse today, I realized I had misunderstood it. I thought it meant that repeating a matter would bring friends into conflict. That may be true too but I realized the greater meaning was that someone who carries a collection of grievances on their shoulders to hand out to everyone they know is apt to find themselves friendless. I've seen it with my own eyes.
I think this verse was a check to my spirit because the truth is, it would be easy to find people to listen to all my hurts. For a while, anyway. But I don't want to be that person who shares my troubles in that way. I want to be the person who can conceal the matter and let it slide off my back and disappear.
It is one reason I started this particular blog. My journal was so full of the things that unravel me that I really needed a place to step back and recognize the faithfulness and integrity of God, where I could put the things that really trouble me in a spiritual perspective. I don't know that I've accomplished that but what I do know it some of my post feel a bit as if they're food horded against lean times. I sneak in here rather more often than I expected to find nourishment.
There are times when old hurts resurrect and my day grows dark from them. Maybe talking about it would help. I used to do that with Jerry, talk about all the stresses of my work, my children, my family, everything. That's marriage, right? How could he stand it! It must have been so annoying. The truth is I suspect this is how the enemy continues to beat us up and bring us down. Like my old co-worker, he unpacks yesterday's evil every morning.
There is another scripture that comes to mind, even as I type this.
Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof. -- Matthew 6:34
There is enough trouble today to last. I'd like to leave the trouble from yesterday behind and not worry about tomorrow's trouble. No, it is not an easy task. It is why you start over every morning.