Higher Ground

Can we rest here?

Of course.

The ledge is awfully narrow. 

We have plenty of room. How about scooting over a bit?

…..

Well. I’m sitting close, really close to the edge.

Seriously? You’re worried about falling?

Well, if I fall, I won’t be here with you, and it might take a while for me to return. 

Wow. For a minute, I thought you were worried about breaking something.

Ah, that’s better. Now, what did you say? Oh, nonsense. 

It’s a long way up there, but I see another ledge not too far away. I think it is larger than this one.

It is. 

How do you know?

I’ve traveled this way before. There’s a lovely stretch of grass and a spring coming out of the side of the mountain. Last time I was here, my companion hewed a stone bed in the rock.  

Oh. They might not like us messing with their place.

They’re no longer there.

Guess they finished the climb.

No. They didn’t go any farther. 

Oh. 

….

So, are we going farther?

That’s up to you. Do you think you can?

Well…. It is pretty high.

…..

But I so want to get higher. Imagine the view from up there must be amazing. 

You can almost see forever.

Okay, let’s do it. I’m ready.

/*\
/**\
/****\
/*****\

Wow! You weren’t kidding. This place is wonderful. The grass is like a carpet. And the water is so crisp and cold. Oh, is that the bed?

Yes.

Doesn’t look comfortable to me.

It wasn’t.

Then why stay? I mean, it’s beautiful, with a magnificent view. And there’s plenty to drink. But…

Yes?

There’s nothing to eat. I suspect…

Yes?

Well, isn’t there more room at the top?

Definitely.

I don’t understand why you’d settle for this when there’s something better waiting up there.

That’s a fair question.

…..

…..

And what’s the answer?

I don’t know, but many have made that decision.

I want to go higher. As high as I can. 

It’s a hard journey.

Harder than it’s already been?

Much. In some places there are no ledges, nothing but handholds. You’ll need to be strong. 

Oh. 

….

I … 

I’ll be with you. I can give you a leg up when you need it or a hand to pull you up. But it is hard. You’ll get tired.

But you’ll be with me. 

Of course. I’ll be bringing lunch.

So, when can we start?

If you’re ready, we can start now. 

Yeah, let’s do that. What's for lunch?

#ConversationsWithHim

Unpacking

 I really have to be careful what I pray for these days. I've been working through some things and asking God to remove negative things from my life. Emotions, feelings, thoughts, and people. It seems to be working. Hardly anyone ever calls me anymore. Ha Ha Ha!

Seriously, I've had a few things happen that kind of stopped me in my tracks. One Sunday before I got up for church, I had a dream about some people from my past who caused me a lot of stress and turmoil. In the dream they were very unkind, saying the things they thought about me. I woke so depressed that it affected my entire day. 

Why had I dreamed about people I haven't seen in years and who I didn't really care about? At least I didn't think I cared. I realized pretty quickly that this was about some unopened baggage that I needed to handle. I have since prayed about it and I hope I've donated that luggage to Him. 

Another time memories from another past connection came back to me and overwhelmed me with so much hatred for that person I would have hurt them physically if opportunity and conscience allowed. No, really. It scared me. I prayed about it. I still deal with powerful emotions over it but I'm working to get totally past that. 

This week I'm dealing with trust issues. My childhood contained a lot of traumas. My grandparents raised me. They were Mama & Daddy. Daddy drank a lot on the weekends and on every holiday. Those days are full of terrible memories. My parents basically left me, move in opposite directions, and never looked back. All the people I relied on, except Mama, failed me. Other relatives stepped in where they could to fill gaps. Still, the result is I grew up believing if something needed doing, I'd be better off doing it myself. And if I wanted it done right, I definitely had to do it myself. I trust no one to solve my problems or resolve anything. It affected my life and the lives of my family. 

This is what hit me in the last 24 hours. 

"You don't trust me either."

"But I do!"

"Think about it for a moment."

I did. "No, I do trust you."

"You've asked me several things several times. And you've instructed me on how to resolve the issues."

"Well, yes, but..."

"Do you really think I don't know what I'm doing?"

"No, I know you do. I just want you to understand what I'm asking."

"Uh, I understand English, even your drawling vowels."

"Ouch."

"Sorry but you need to realize that I'm not any of those people who let you down."

"I know that! I never thought that."

"Yes, somewhere, deep down inside, you don't trust me to handle your problems. You are so afraid the outcome will not be up to your expectations. You want to handle it yourself. Then you would know it was done correctly."

"No. I can't fix these things. I can't do them. Only you can."

"Then let me do it. And let me do it my way. And on my timeline."

..........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

"You're right. I have trust issues. I don't trust me either. I don't trust me to make the right decision. I don't trust other people to do the right thing. I don't trust anyone. I don't know how. I know you take care of me, have provided for everything I need."

"But you don't think I can fix the concerns you've expressed to me."

"No."

"Thank you!"

"For what?"

"Being honest. You'd be surprised how many people think they can fool me."

"No. I'm probably one of them."

"Half the battle is admitting you have a problem."

"I have several."

"One thing at a time, please. Trust me!"

"Help me."

"I can't if you don't trust me."

"Oh. Well,.... can we talk about this time thing?"

"No!"

"But I really don't think I have that much time left."

"This isn't a production line! And if it were, you're not in charge."  

"Right. You're right."

"You only get points for telling the truth once."

"I'm going to do better. Really."

"I trust you."

"Oh.....

 

#ConversationswithHim

The Dreams We Dream Or What the Cat Saw In the Night

 

Well.

Yes, well. 

Things have been happening.

They usually do, if you let them.

I had nothing to do with any of it. Things were fine, calm and collected. I did not rock the boat.

No, that's true. Of course, you don't live on an island — .

Not my choice either!

Right. Well, we are all connected and when something happens —.

Please tell me you're not going to give me the "Butterfly Theory".

Oh. You've heard about that.

I saw the movie. 

Oh. Well.

Seems we're back where we started. 

No, we're still in the same place. Time has moved forward and as you said, things have been happening. 

It's been very difficult this time. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm tired.

I know. You told me the other night. I'm sorry that you feel so awful. I hear you. I see you. I AM here.

Do you know, I woke up last night, briefly. I was sleeping facing my door. I rolled over and tried to open my eyes but couldn't, except one eye. I turned my head toward the window and I thought I saw a very tall man standing by the window. I think he was looking out. But he'd paused for a moment to touch that plaster anchor on the wall, like he was adjusting it or something. It has a scripture on it: Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.

A man?

Yes. I blinked and got the other eye open; but he'd disappeared.

Were you afraid?

That's why I remember it so well. I wasn't. I was half asleep, but I looked again before I closed my eyes. I turned back over and just as I drifted off, the word Guardian went through my mind. 

Interesting.

I just checked that position of the anchor. He was at least 6 feet tall. 

You've had dreams where you woke thinking you saw someone.

Yes. With my heart pounding, and I'd jump nearly out of bed. Sometimes I'd yell out loud. No, this wasn't that. You know what else is strange?

What?

I think he, it, whatever, woke me. I thought I heard a sound. I rolled over to see. And strangest of all, Jet was looking at it, too. He sleeps on that side of the bed, on the pillow. I saw him as I rolled over, staring at that window.

Ah.

I'll never know for sure, will I?

Well, maybe someday you'll know everything. 

{sigh} Yeah. I'd really like that. 

 

Beyond That Point

So many people frightened.

I know. People I haven't talked to in years are calling.

... Oh ... wow.

I don't mind, but they don't listen. Breaks my heart.

...

What? Didn't you think I cared?

Yes, of course. I just hadn't thought of it from that perspective.

No one does.

I'm sorry. Are you complaining?

What? No! Of course not. I'm so happy to hear from them. I wish they'd call more often. And perhaps before it's too late.

Is it too late?

For some, yes. For many more in the coming days.

I've been concerned.

You've been terrified. 

Well, maybe a little.

No. A lot. But for you, that's nothing new.

Oh. Wow.

Hmm, yeah. 

I am trying to do better, for Sarah's sake. But the situation is so dangerous for me.

For you, every situation is dire.

Uh...

Close your mouth. Listen, you're always worried about something. And a suppressed immune system is something to be concerned about, particularly when viruses abound. Durning a pandemic, I completely understand. 

I sense a 'but'.

But you tell me you trust me. 

I do!

With what?

Why with ... with ... everything!

And if you get this virus?

I don't want to get this virus! I'm trying to stay isolated and sterilize everything possible.

But what if you get the virus?

I don't know. I have people relying on me. I can't think about that because I ...

Because you don't know what to do if it happens. You have no contingency plan. 

No.

And neither does anyone else. No one prepared for this day. The panic set in because no one ever believed the entire population could become ill in a matter of weeks. The idea most of the world could perish in a matter of days is incomprehensible to humanity. And yet it has happened before. You people never learn from the past.

I know. I studied the past for 5 years!

Ah. But with that knowledge, you still don't trust me.

I try. Very hard.

I know. Enough?

... I don't know. I hope so.

You're painfully honest. 

People don't like it. Not good if you want friends.

We're friends. I find it refreshing. 

I do trust you. It isn't the destination I fear; I fear the journey.

So, what is the post really about?

Don't I trust you?

I think you do up to a point. It is beyond that point that you can't see and that frightens you far more than this virus.

What do I do?

You'll never see beyond that point, blinded by fear. It isn't your trust that is the problem.

Oh ... It's my fear.

These talks are just the best, aren't they?

#ConversationsWithHim

Trust

Written 2/08/2004

A small, pretty frame designed to hold a quotation sits to the left of my monitor. It was a gift from a co-worker when she cleaned her desk preparatory to taking a new job over a year ago.  In it is a phrase that says, "Trust in the Lord, and do good; so shalt thou dwell in the land, and verily thou shalt be fed."  Psalms 37:4.  About a year ago, just for fun, I typed up this framed scripture and placed it near my computer because I spend a lot of time here. The original quote and the other I made are stored behind this one. There are three total and I change them once in a while.

This week I changed it because I needed to be reminded that there are times when trust is all you can do and there is promise attached to trust.  When you are doing everything you can think of to get by and still things seem to be falling apart around you, all you can do is trust.  And I am not a trusting person.

I am a perfectionist who is terrified when I am not in control of any situation.  But in recent years, life has cruelly taught me that I can't be in control of every situation.  It is a terrible feeling for me. Not long ago, I asked myself, and God, why it seemed that I was having to go through the same thing over and over.  It seems that for the last ten years I have re-lived several periods of time.  No matter what I do, or how hard I try, I keep repeating the same events, experiences, over and over. Constantly on the brink of financial disaster, my husband always getting sick and unemployed, my children struggling in some way.  And I keep asking God why is that. Why can't things get better?  Why do I have to have this same thing happen again and again?  Why am I constantly in need?  What have I done?

He never answered. And I began to suspect that was the whole point.  He shouldn't have to tell me what I am missing.  The fact that I AM missing something is the very reason I keep repeating history.  If I got it, I wouldn't have to keep repeating it!  At least, I hope that is the way it works.

On occasion, I am afraid because all of humanity fears uncertainty. And my life is pretty uncertain. Will Jerry go back to work? Will I get a better job? Will my son who is about to get married be able to make it financially?  Will my youngest son EVER finish school? Will he EVER go to collage?  Will he EVER get a job?

I suppose I could go out and buy an 8 Ball and try to find the answers to my questions.  You remember those. I had one in the late 60's, when they first came out.  No one really believed they could answer your questions but as a kid it was a fun game.  But in the real world, there is no magic 8 Ball, no fortune cookie I can break open for an answer.  The only answer I have sits next to my computer in a pretty frame. I have been reading it a lot the last few days.

Trust.

How in the world am I going to do that?  How does anyone do it?

Sometimes, when I am praying, I have the strongest sense that I am so close to something unbelievable.  In my mind I see, just beyond my reach, this thick cloud I can't see through. But I know that if I could just push past it, if I could just clear it away, there is something wonderful hidden back there.  If I could only reach it.  Just one glimpse and I would have the strength to push forward.  I could trust.  But the fog rolls back, thick and impenetrable.  And I am downcast because of it.

Trust!

How in the world am I going to do that?  How does anyone do it?

I don't know if I have figured it out yet, but recently I have felt that I am getting there. No, the problems are not solved. No, I do not have a new job. No, I am not a nicer person (I think I am pretty charming the way I am).  No, I don't know if I will survive this ordeal I find myself in. But someone said, "That which does not kill us, makes us strong."  I don't much like that, but it is true.  I have become tenacious. I have become stubborn. I refuse to give up. I refuse to lie down and stop trying.  I won't turn back.  I have dug my trench and it is here that I will fight.  I have claimed this land as mine.  I may be defeated in this battle. But the war is not over.  And I am still breathing.

So, what was that original framed quote?  I know you wondered.

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy paths."  Proverbs 3:56

Ah!

And the other that is stored in the back of the frame?  "Commit thy way unto the Lord: Trust also in Him; and He shall bring it to pass."  Psalm 37:5

I typed them up. They look really pretty in the frame.  But I wonder why I never really read them before now?