A small, pretty frame designed to hold a quotation sits to the left of my monitor. It was a gift from a co-worker when she cleaned her desk preparatory to taking a new job over a year ago. In it is a phrase that says, "Trust in the Lord, and do good; so shalt thou dwell in the land, and verily thou shalt be fed." Psalms 37:4. About a year ago, just for fun, I typed up this framed scripture and placed it near my computer because I spend a lot of time here. The original quote and the other I made are stored behind this one. There are three total and I change them once in a while.
This week I changed it because I needed to be reminded that there are times when trust is all you can do and there is promise attached to trust. When you are doing everything you can think of to get by and still things seem to be falling apart around you, all you can do is trust. And I am not a trusting person.
I am a perfectionist who is terrified when I am not in control of any situation. But in recent years, life has cruelly taught me that I can't be in control of every situation. It is a terrible feeling for me. Not long ago, I asked myself, and God, why it seemed that I was having to go through the same thing over and over. It seems that for the last ten years I have re-lived several periods of time. No matter what I do, or how hard I try, I keep repeating the same events, experiences, over and over. Constantly on the brink of financial disaster, my husband always getting sick and unemployed, my children struggling in some way. And I keep asking God why is that. Why can't things get better? Why do I have to have this same thing happen again and again? Why am I constantly in need? What have I done?
He never answered. And I began to suspect that was the whole point. He shouldn't have to tell me what I am missing. The fact that I AM missing something is the very reason I keep repeating history. If I got it, I wouldn't have to keep repeating it! At least, I hope that is the way it works.
On occasion, I am afraid because all of humanity fears uncertainty. And my life is pretty uncertain. Will Jerry go back to work? Will I get a better job? Will my son who is about to get married be able to make it financially? Will my youngest son EVER finish school? Will he EVER go to collage? Will he EVER get a job?
I suppose I could go out and buy an 8 Ball and try to find the answers to my questions. You remember those. I had one in the late 60's, when they first came out. No one really believed they could answer your questions but as a kid it was a fun game. But in the real world, there is no magic 8 Ball, no fortune cookie I can break open for an answer. The only answer I have sits next to my computer in a pretty frame. I have been reading it a lot the last few days.
Trust.
How in the world am I going to do that? How does anyone do it?
Sometimes, when I am praying, I have the strongest sense that I am so close to something unbelievable. In my mind I see, just beyond my reach, this thick cloud I can't see through. But I know that if I could just push past it, if I could just clear it away, there is something wonderful hidden back there. If I could only reach it. Just one glimpse and I would have the strength to push forward. I could trust. But the fog rolls back, thick and impenetrable. And I am downcast because of it.
Trust!
How in the world am I going to do that? How does anyone do it?
I don't know if I have figured it out yet, but recently I have felt that I am getting there. No, the problems are not solved. No, I do not have a new job. No, I am not a nicer person (I think I am pretty charming the way I am). No, I don't know if I will survive this ordeal I find myself in. But someone said, "That which does not kill us, makes us strong." I don't much like that, but it is true. I have become tenacious. I have become stubborn. I refuse to give up. I refuse to lie down and stop trying. I won't turn back. I have dug my trench and it is here that I will fight. I have claimed this land as mine. I may be defeated in this battle. But the war is not over. And I am still breathing.
So, what was that original framed quote? I know you wondered.
"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy paths." Proverbs 3:56
Ah!
And the other that is stored in the back of the frame? "Commit thy way unto the Lord: Trust also in Him; and He shall bring it to pass." Psalm 37:5
I typed them up. They look really pretty in the frame. But I wonder why I never really read them before now?
You have read them. You have lived them. You are reading them again and living it again. I was going to type sometimes but no. We always need those reminders.
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