A Croaker Sack of Super Power

 

You know, there is nothing quite like the feeling of worthlessness. It wears like a croaker sack. For the uninitiated, that is a burlap sack. It got its name because folks down south who gigged for frogs would put their catch in the burlap sack; thus, the name croaker sack. When I found that nugget, I thought it hilarious. Doubly so, since I'm a southerner and I never heard the definition of the name. Well, my family didn't eat frogs so, there is that. 

You were talking about worthlessness . . . 

I was. But don't you think that's an interesting tidbit? 

Decidedly. 

Yes, I feel totally worthless. I do nothing, contribute nothing, don't rank on any scale at all. I'm very smart, very talented, and really very nice. Just worthless. 

What are you talking about? 

Uh, I thought we cleared that up?

You've been a very productive person all your life. Had you not been, people would have struggled to get by. Some would have been destitute.

Got that right. Once I went to work, everyone had their hands out. 

{sigh} How can I get you to see past all that? 

I thought the whole point of suffering was to make us better people.

No, no, no. Suffering results from your fallen nature. 

What did I ever do to deserve all this? Wait, I'm not perfect, but I certainly did nothing so bad that I should be constantly trying to survive the onslaught I seem to attract.

Neither did I.

Right. But I'm not God. I understand what happened to you. That was a power struggle, and you won. I understand the horror in a limited human way. But thankfully you won. 

You don't think you're in a power struggle?

What power? I have no power. I can't change a thing. I can't fix a thing. In fact, the only thing I seem to be successful at is screwing up things. And that isn't something anyone wants.

Remember what Paul said in Ephesians 6:12?

Yes. "For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places." Yes, I've very aware of those powers. But no one ever believes me when I tell them there is a problem involving those powers. So...

You can't really control what people think or do. 

Hello? Isn't that what I said? No. Power. See, I'm worthless. Useless. Same thing. Can't fix the problem. Who needs me? NO ONE. 

We're going to agree to disagree on this for now. Eventually, I am sure you'll understand.

I know. Once we all get to heaven, we'll have all our questions answered. Great. So I have to die to get an answer. Wow.

You know that isn't what I meant.

No, I don't know. I'm so confused by all that is going on around me. I'm broken in ways I can't begin to explain. And so weary of it. I spend hours having this conversation. I'm struggling to tread water. 

Just take off the croaker sack. Put on the garment of praise. 

...

Did you roll your eyes? Surely not.

No. I already wear the praise shirt more than I ever have in my life. Then the real world comes barging in and I get knocked down. And before you say it, yes, I get back up. But you know something, we humans get tired eventually. There is a point where you can't get up. You can't lift your head, never mind your hands. You reach a place where lying there is easier than moving. 

........

Sorry, I don't have the answer. 

Endurance.

What? 

Endurance. You have endurance. You have fortitude. 

If you say I'm strong, I will not talk to you the rest of the day. 

You're not strong. You have endurance. 

I'm tired. So, so, so tired.

I know. And yet, you hang on. That's endurance. And that, my friend, is far better than simple strength. That's a superpower.

I am a croaker sack of super power.

Sure. If you want to say that. Personally, I think that's probably more uncomfortable than fig leaves. Change your shirt.

#ConversationsWithHim

Unpacking

 I really have to be careful what I pray for these days. I've been working through some things and asking God to remove negative things from my life. Emotions, feelings, thoughts, and people. It seems to be working. Hardly anyone ever calls me anymore. Ha Ha Ha!

Seriously, I've had a few things happen that kind of stopped me in my tracks. One Sunday before I got up for church, I had a dream about some people from my past who caused me a lot of stress and turmoil. In the dream they were very unkind, saying the things they thought about me. I woke so depressed that it affected my entire day. 

Why had I dreamed about people I haven't seen in years and who I didn't really care about? At least I didn't think I cared. I realized pretty quickly that this was about some unopened baggage that I needed to handle. I have since prayed about it and I hope I've donated that luggage to Him. 

Another time memories from another past connection came back to me and overwhelmed me with so much hatred for that person I would have hurt them physically if opportunity and conscience allowed. No, really. It scared me. I prayed about it. I still deal with powerful emotions over it but I'm working to get totally past that. 

This week I'm dealing with trust issues. My childhood contained a lot of traumas. My grandparents raised me. They were Mama & Daddy. Daddy drank a lot on the weekends and on every holiday. Those days are full of terrible memories. My parents basically left me, move in opposite directions, and never looked back. All the people I relied on, except Mama, failed me. Other relatives stepped in where they could to fill gaps. Still, the result is I grew up believing if something needed doing, I'd be better off doing it myself. And if I wanted it done right, I definitely had to do it myself. I trust no one to solve my problems or resolve anything. It affected my life and the lives of my family. 

This is what hit me in the last 24 hours. 

"You don't trust me either."

"But I do!"

"Think about it for a moment."

I did. "No, I do trust you."

"You've asked me several things several times. And you've instructed me on how to resolve the issues."

"Well, yes, but..."

"Do you really think I don't know what I'm doing?"

"No, I know you do. I just want you to understand what I'm asking."

"Uh, I understand English, even your drawling vowels."

"Ouch."

"Sorry but you need to realize that I'm not any of those people who let you down."

"I know that! I never thought that."

"Yes, somewhere, deep down inside, you don't trust me to handle your problems. You are so afraid the outcome will not be up to your expectations. You want to handle it yourself. Then you would know it was done correctly."

"No. I can't fix these things. I can't do them. Only you can."

"Then let me do it. And let me do it my way. And on my timeline."

..........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

"You're right. I have trust issues. I don't trust me either. I don't trust me to make the right decision. I don't trust other people to do the right thing. I don't trust anyone. I don't know how. I know you take care of me, have provided for everything I need."

"But you don't think I can fix the concerns you've expressed to me."

"No."

"Thank you!"

"For what?"

"Being honest. You'd be surprised how many people think they can fool me."

"No. I'm probably one of them."

"Half the battle is admitting you have a problem."

"I have several."

"One thing at a time, please. Trust me!"

"Help me."

"I can't if you don't trust me."

"Oh. Well,.... can we talk about this time thing?"

"No!"

"But I really don't think I have that much time left."

"This isn't a production line! And if it were, you're not in charge."  

"Right. You're right."

"You only get points for telling the truth once."

"I'm going to do better. Really."

"I trust you."

"Oh.....

 

#ConversationswithHim

Just Me

Things have not gone exactly as planned.

I see. Whose plans?

Well. . . I expected the surgery to fix my problem. That was the plan I had in mind.

They told you that might not happen.

They did. I thought you'd be involved in this, too.

I was there.

I know. I was never afraid at all and I expected to be a little nervous. I wasn't. I was talking about afterward.

You're disappointed.

Ya think? I still have an arm that is dipped in boiling water most of the day. When it isn't, it is simmering. So, disappointed is an understatement.

.....

I watched a video of a girl being healed yesterday. It was amazing. Awe inspiring, even.

......

I don't think I know what faith is and that's distressing Is it belief you will or belief you can? Because I know nothing is impossible for you. I also know you don't do everything you're asked. So believing you will doesn't make it so. Believing you can if you choose... well that's different. I think it is your choice. If you don't want to do something, no matter how much I believe you will won't change that.

How does that make you feel?

Sad. Disappointed. Frustrated. Confused. Because I don't understand which it is and it makes it impossible to know what to do.

.....

I'm being truthful, here.

I know.

I hate when they quote that scripture about faith being the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen. I have no idea what that means. I've researched it and I don't think anyone else does either.

That could be true.

This isn't helping me.

Oh, I think it probably is. You usually come up with something.

Not today. Today is dark, wet, cold. Without faith it is impossible to please God.

You've had answers to prayers. You believe.

......

Just not always the answers to the prayers that mean the most to you. 

Things that involve me. I prayed for Sarah a few days ago for some severe jaw pain she was having and she came running down the hall five minutes later, wrapped in a towel saying, "My jaw doesn't hurt anymore!" That meant something to me. I've prayed for myself.... Repeatedly. Without the same results and I'm kind of tired.

Everyone has that feeling at one time or another. When the journey gets rough, find a place to rest.

Rest! That's a whole 'nother blog post.

You trusted me in the surgery, when they took knives to your spine. Why is it you don't trust me in this moment.

I don't know. I don't think it is a trust issue.

Then what is it?

Just me.



#ConversationsWithHim

What is Blessing?

For the last couple of days I've been reminded several times of how blessed I am. The sensation of being blessed has just been overwhelming. This set me wondering why it is often so hard to notice when we're blessed. I know many of us say, "I'm blessed." But as Inigo Montoya* once said, "I do not think that word means what you think it means."

We're all blessed just to be above ground and breathing. That's not what I'm talking about. We are here by decree. God placed us here. He didn't place us here as a blessing. At least, I don't believe so. He placed us here so he could spend time with us. That is a blessing of sorts but may folks don't believe in God, are not religious, or have miserable lives. So, just being alive and present is not necessarily a blessing to many.

What is a blessing? Pentecostals often say, "He got a blessing" when someone shouts under the influence of the Holy Ghost. Others say a financial windfall is a blessing. Some of us considered the "A" on our report card a blessing. I guess those can all be defined as blessings. The report card probably occurred because you worked hard, not because God gave it to you. He gave you the intelligence to achieve it but  believe me, he didn't make it easy. The windfall could be because of hard work made possible by the strength he gave you. Winning the lottery... not so much. It is a game of chance. Many folks think the universe came about the same way, by chance. So, that's isn't a blessing either. Chance negates God's participation. Nothing God is involved in is subject to chance.

The dictionary defines blessing this way:
1 a :  the act or words of one that blesses
   b :  approval, encouragement
2    :  a thing conducive to happiness or welfare
3    :  grace said at a meal

I think the words approval and encouragement are what I recognize as blessings. We designate so many things as a blessing that I think we lose sight of what the bare bones of the concept really is. God's approval and his encouragement are the basis of real blessing. To have his approval and be encouraged by him when life is a mess is an amazing blessing. You may not recognize the blessing at the time, but eventually, you can look back with clarity and see just how much you are blessed.

Face it, it is easy to feel blessed when the bills are paid, there's food on the table, and a roof over your head. It is much harder when the bank account is empty after you paid for all that. Writing that tithe check is a struggle when a bill collector just told you to sell something to pay them. When the baby is sick and you have no one to call it is hard to feel blessed. When your spouse dies and you sit in an empty house alone you don't feel blessed. You don't even feel God at times.

I've experienced every one of those things. I know how I felt. Alone, forsaken, and destitute. Not blessed. When I couldn't take my kid to the doctor because I had no money and no insurance. When my husband and I had nothing but temp jobs for over a year. It is a horrible feeling. But I remember we still managed to survive, pay the bills, and keep our house. I remember getting a job I applied for after I promised to pay extra tithes for one year if God would give me the job. Do you know, when faced with it I hesitated. But I did it... for two years. We were better off financially than we'd ever been before.

Was it a blessing? What was the blessing and who was blessed? Check the first definition. An act by which one blesses. I wasn't the one getting blessed. God was. He took me at my word and I had to follow through.  I blessed him.

And he blessed me. With his approval and encouragement. I wanted to pay the extra that second year. I loved being able to do it. I recognized the graciousness of God allowing me the ability to do so.

I have RA, fibromyalgia, and take tons of medication. I've asked for healing. Over and over and over. God hasn't healed me. Standing in church last Sunday I had to sit down. With no warning, I felt as if I'd been hit by a bus. In moments, pain swept over my whole body. I was in church, worshiping God and was hit with terrible pain. I thought I'd have to leave immediately. Where's the blessing?

My son saw how sick I was and asked the pastor to come pray for me. Did the pain leave? It eased up but it did not leave.  I went home in pain. But I feel so blessed.

In recent months I've begun to think that being blessed is not a state of being. It is a state of mind. It isn't something you can see, taste, or touch. Blessings are not things, places, or people. It is a brain thing. How your mind sees your condition and situation determine whether or not you're blessed. You can look at a broken leg as a disaster. Never mind that the other person in the car crash died.  Perhaps they went home to be with the Lord.  Who got blessed?

Blessing isn't location based. It isn't positional. It isn't health based. It isn't wealth based. Blessing is relationship based. How you view the chaos around you is important because it determines your relationship with others, particularly God. Wallowing in pity may feel good for about a minute. If it didn't we wouldn't do it. Admit it, you feel justified in your misery. Well, I do. But it doesn't matter. Misery doesn't affect blessing. Because it is relational, not emotional. God loves me when I'm miserable, probably more than when I 'm happy. Because he wants to comfort me.

That is blessing.

Stop thinking your situation is hopeless. Maybe it is. Maybe there is no cure, no fix, no money, no friends. But God wants to comfort you right where you are because your relationship is where you find him.

It is ok to feel bad. It is ok to cry. It is ok to be angry, sick, disgusted, annoyed, frustrated, or furious. Those are emotions God gave us. The Bible says "Be angry and sin not." Recognize that God is in the storm and in the calm. He's in the fire and the flood. In the midst of turmoil he seeks to hold your hand and walk you through it. Or he's waiting on the other side for you to walk to him.

That is the blessing.







*The Princess Bride