Me & Jesus

 I love this meme. I don't particularly think anyone has talked about me, don't actually care. It would be the most interesting conversation they'll have in a year. But I've learned some things this last year and this reminded me. 

People don't want to have a conversation with you to see what is happening in your life. They don't want to know how YOU are or if there is anything wrong. Really. Watch their eyes glaze over if you say anything other than "fine". But they're quick to find fault if something comes out where you're in trouble, sick, or broke. "Well, she or he must have done something wrong to cause all that. God is after them." 

Yep, He sure is. He's spent the last year keeping my head just above water cause the devil harassed me on every front for a YEAR. If he had his way, I’d be homeless, walking, and no food. I mean every single front. My house, my car, my finances, my family, my health, and my peace of mind. My sanity! 

Well, you know, "We all got problems." 

Why, yes, we do! Please tell me yours so I can pray for you. I sincerely want to hear and pray for you. And if I can help you with anything, you call me, email me, text me, send a carrier pigeon. If I can't help you, I'll do my best to help you find help. I know how to do that! If I can’t do anything else, I’ll hold your hand and walk with you.

But you know what? No one said that to me. And I mentioned what I was dealing with to people. (See paragraph two.) Not ONE. Except a dozen Facebook contacts. Some of whom haven't even met me and some family. Thank God for everyone of you who did something, even if was just a message to say you were praying! I believe in prayer, but it is an extra blessing when people hear, acknowledge, and act.

I texted a virtual stranger the other day; he was a guy who cut my yard for two years when the mower died. I only saw him once every two weeks as he flew by on the mower and chatting when I paid him. He cut me a deal on the yard. I sent a text that said, “I need someone who does handy man work.” The yard man sent me a contact. I found the yard guy from a writing friend because I had a broken down mower and he sent me the details. These folks have become real friends. I have no idea how much the handyman repairs I need will cost. I’ll worry about it later.

That’s just minor problems. But starting October 2023, I had covid for the third time and was sick three months, thru Christmas. The freezer went out. I’d previously lost two freezers of food because of a faulty circuit. It’s fixed now, and I didn’t lose food, but it cost the earth. The same week, the car broke down. That cost more. Two weeks later, it broke down again. All in October and November. In one month, I spent my entire income. All of it. And no, that wasn’t the end. There were plumbing problems after New Year. And the water and light bill went up again. Groceries went up. Gas went up. 

But you know something? I've survived all of it. Because the Almighty has kept me from drowning. Even when I asked Him to let me drown. Sometimes drowning is easier. He scraped up a handful of people I didn’t know well, some family who love me, and a precious new friend who needed help as well. She needed a place to stay, and I needed a boarder. It was miraculous. It’s both a pleasure to have her here and a blessing to have the help. And then Sarah came home. 

I’ve sat here in this house feeling so unloved. And so defeated. All my life, I had people around me I could go to or resources. I worked, took care of myself, supported a second household. I’ve been faithful in paying my tithes. Yeah, you can talk about that if you want to. Suddenly, there was NO money and no friends. If I had not had a credit card, I would have been in trouble. But I owed people. And borrowed money must also be repaid. The Bible says owe no man. I owe a bunch of them. And now I could add God to the list. I was in a very bad place in every conceivable way. And alone. No one knew because no one asked. 

I realized that I’d have to just do the best with the debts I owed to men. And the debt to God? That is far greater than my pittance. It is what it is. I didn’t ask for the circumstances. I sure didn’t ask for the problems. God is very aware of my bank balance. Every dime is His, the land I live on is his, the car I drive is his. I am his. If he wants anything I have, he can just withdraw it. I’m good with that. Really. This is not my home. This is a residence. 

This month, a small light shone on my little scrap of land. No, it isn’t all fixed. I got a call from out of town. Someone paid the house payment for one month! That one thing shifted things. For a minute, I thought everything would be fine. It’s gonna take more than a minute. But that one minute … it’s gold.

Then, today, while I sat here beating myself up, grieving over money, I decided to write it all down. To pour out the poison, that is one more trick in a long list from the enemy. So, I don’t have a problem. I’m broke. I don’t have trouble. I am doing something right or the devil wouldn’t be bothering me so much. I got broke stuff. It all belongs to Jesus so he’ll have to fix it.

And I’ve decided since I survived death, I will survive this, too. And I’ll do it alone. Just me and Jesus. Or with the people who hold out their hands filled with friendship, love, and prayer. 

A Croaker Sack of Super Power

 

You know, there is nothing quite like the feeling of worthlessness. It wears like a croaker sack. For the uninitiated, that is a burlap sack. It got its name because folks down south who gigged for frogs would put their catch in the burlap sack; thus, the name croaker sack. When I found that nugget, I thought it hilarious. Doubly so, since I'm a southerner and I never heard the definition of the name. Well, my family didn't eat frogs so, there is that. 

You were talking about worthlessness . . . 

I was. But don't you think that's an interesting tidbit? 

Decidedly. 

Yes, I feel totally worthless. I do nothing, contribute nothing, don't rank on any scale at all. I'm very smart, very talented, and really very nice. Just worthless. 

What are you talking about? 

Uh, I thought we cleared that up?

You've been a very productive person all your life. Had you not been, people would have struggled to get by. Some would have been destitute.

Got that right. Once I went to work, everyone had their hands out. 

{sigh} How can I get you to see past all that? 

I thought the whole point of suffering was to make us better people.

No, no, no. Suffering results from your fallen nature. 

What did I ever do to deserve all this? Wait, I'm not perfect, but I certainly did nothing so bad that I should be constantly trying to survive the onslaught I seem to attract.

Neither did I.

Right. But I'm not God. I understand what happened to you. That was a power struggle, and you won. I understand the horror in a limited human way. But thankfully you won. 

You don't think you're in a power struggle?

What power? I have no power. I can't change a thing. I can't fix a thing. In fact, the only thing I seem to be successful at is screwing up things. And that isn't something anyone wants.

Remember what Paul said in Ephesians 6:12?

Yes. "For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places." Yes, I've very aware of those powers. But no one ever believes me when I tell them there is a problem involving those powers. So...

You can't really control what people think or do. 

Hello? Isn't that what I said? No. Power. See, I'm worthless. Useless. Same thing. Can't fix the problem. Who needs me? NO ONE. 

We're going to agree to disagree on this for now. Eventually, I am sure you'll understand.

I know. Once we all get to heaven, we'll have all our questions answered. Great. So I have to die to get an answer. Wow.

You know that isn't what I meant.

No, I don't know. I'm so confused by all that is going on around me. I'm broken in ways I can't begin to explain. And so weary of it. I spend hours having this conversation. I'm struggling to tread water. 

Just take off the croaker sack. Put on the garment of praise. 

...

Did you roll your eyes? Surely not.

No. I already wear the praise shirt more than I ever have in my life. Then the real world comes barging in and I get knocked down. And before you say it, yes, I get back up. But you know something, we humans get tired eventually. There is a point where you can't get up. You can't lift your head, never mind your hands. You reach a place where lying there is easier than moving. 

........

Sorry, I don't have the answer. 

Endurance.

What? 

Endurance. You have endurance. You have fortitude. 

If you say I'm strong, I will not talk to you the rest of the day. 

You're not strong. You have endurance. 

I'm tired. So, so, so tired.

I know. And yet, you hang on. That's endurance. And that, my friend, is far better than simple strength. That's a superpower.

I am a croaker sack of super power.

Sure. If you want to say that. Personally, I think that's probably more uncomfortable than fig leaves. Change your shirt.

#ConversationsWithHim

Finding Faith

 

A few weeks ago, I appeared to be in the middle of a crisis. I didn’t know what was wrong with me, but a terrible depression enveloped me like locusts. Despite sleeping for 10 hours a day, I was exhausted and couldn’t think well. I woke up tired and went to bed tired. Naps lasted 2 to 4 hours, and I still went to bed tired. Keeping my laundry clean and changing the sheets became insurmountable efforts. Becca came and helped clean the cat boxes and floors. I don’t know what I’d do without her sometimes. An ex-daughter-in-law who does things like that for you is a rare treasure. She owes me nothing, yet she helps when needed.

There were a lot of things going on in my life at the time and since Jerry died, I don’t cope well. I’m sorry if you think you get over it, but the trauma of seeing someone die the way he did doesn’t go away… ever. Stresses, of any sort, just about slay me. Believe me when I say that is not who I was prior to January 2009. 

However, I suspected the problem had a physical source. The spiritual realm saw it as an opportunity to jump on me with both metaphysical feet. When this happens, it is nightmarish. It is a dark, lonely road and I am alone. No, really. Alone.

Yes, I prayed. I had long, rambling conversations with God about all my troubles. I ranted. He listened. I read my Bible, looking for answers. Found nothing helpful. I asked questions he didn’t answer. I cried and cried and cried. For days, I’d find myself just torn in pieces. 

Despite what they tell you, you do not find solutions to every problem in the Bible. I’m sorry to disillusion anyone. They’re not all there. What you find are ways to cope with the unanswerable questions. You find direction in how to navigate a world where some problems aren’t ever solved and never will be solved. 

One evening, I addressed the subject of faith. Sometimes I feel stupid talking to someone who isn’t visible. I only do that at home… usually. I have done it in my car and once a passenger asked me about it.

Anyway, I reached a place where I was so frustrated. I said, “I don’t even know what faith is! I can’t say that to anyone because they’d quote Hebrews 1:11 ‘Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.’”

“What does that even mean? It makes no sense and is confusing. There is no substance of something you hope for. They don’t exist except in the mind! Something not seen has no form.”

I’m sure I didn’t word it exactly that way, but that was the basic content of my rant. Hear me, God doesn’t mind your rants. God understands them. Jesus ranted in the temple. He used a whip on them. So, he gets rants. Believe it or not, he responds to them nicely. He remains silent and lets you get it out of your system. 

My only option at this point was to open my Bible and show him what I was talking about. (Cause he must not have read that verse, of course.) I explained I didn’t know what it was and didn’t understand it and that I must be a terrible person and going to hell because maybe I didn’t have any faith at all and without faith it is impossible to please Him………. 

I can’t say how long my rant lasted. I was hurting, so it probably wasn't long. My heart hurt and I had a weary mind and a troubled soul. My body was feeling the effects of those locust feet. Still crying, I decided the best I could do was just go to bed. 

I’ve started reading a section of Psalms over the last few months. Prayer in dark places is difficult, and I found it impossible to find words to pray that didn’t sound self serving and repetitive to me. David did a better job of praying than I could ever hope to emulate. I dried my tears and read.

The passage I read was Psalms 119:33-50. You should read it. 

    33. HE. Teach me, O LORD, the way of thy statutes; and I shall keep it unto the end.

    34. Give me understanding, and I shall keep thy law; yea, I shall observe it with my whole heart.

    35. Make me to go in the path of thy commandments; for therein do I delight.

    36. Incline my heart unto thy testimonies, and not to covetousness.

    37. Turn away mine eyes from beholding vanity; and quicken thou me in thy way.

    38. Stablish thy word unto thy servant, who is devoted to thy fear.

    39. Turn away my reproach which I fear: for thy judgments are good.

    40. Behold, I have longed after thy precepts: quicken me in thy righteousness.

    41. VAU. Let thy mercies come also unto me, O LORD, even thy salvation, according to thy word.

    42. So shall I have wherewith to answer him that reproacheth me: for I trust in thy word.

    43. And take not the word of truth utterly out of my mouth; for I have hoped in thy judgments.

    44. So shall I keep thy law continually for ever and ever.

    45. And I will walk at liberty: for I seek thy precepts.

    46. I will speak of thy testimonies also before kings, and will not be ashamed.

    47. And I will delight myself in thy commandments, which I have loved.

    48. My hands also will I lift up unto thy commandments, which I have loved; and I will meditate in thy statutes.

    49. ZAIN. Remember the word unto thy servant, upon which thou hast caused me to hope.

    50. This is my comfort in my affliction: for thy word hath quickened me.

There are following parts of of Psalms 119 I also read sometimes, but this is basically my bedtime prayer. And this night I read this section. And was smacked between the eyes. 

“Remember the word unto thy servant, upon which thou hast caused me to hope.”

I stumbled over that and cried again. I looked further back into the passage. “... for I trust in thy word”

Remember the word to your servant, which you caused me to hope in and in which I trust.

Faith. Faith is the substance of things hoped for. Remember your word that caused me to hope. I trust your Word. This is my comfort in my affliction! You gave me your word, made me hope in your word. And I trust your Word. 

I don't believe I need to say anything else. You get it.

Hello?

"Hello?"

.......

"Hello? Is there anyone there?"

....

"HELLO!"

"No need to shout. I hear you."

"Didn't feel like it."

"Oh, feelings. Well, you know what they say about them."

"Uh, no."

"It's just one after another. Here one minute and something else the next."

"I don't think anyone says that."

"I just did."

"I'm not feeling amused tonight."

"Do you ever?"

{sigh}

"Hmmmm."

I'm really trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do now. I'm really just so tired of everything."

"You were lifting over 40 pounds at the gym for half an hour today. And you rode a bike going nowhere for 6 miles. You should be tired."

"Not that kind of tired."

"Hummm."

"Is it wrong to want to just stop?"

"Depends."

"Can we not be cryptic today? I really need help. I need plain talk. Real advice."

"Well, you know, I authored this amazing self-help book. Best seller, too."

{eye-roll followed by sigh}

"Did you just roll your eyes?"

"Maybe. A little."

"Hmmm."

"I've read that book. I read it daily. I really need to talk to you. Or rather, I need you to talk to me. Really talk to me."

"We talk all the time."

"No. I talk all the time. Long painful dialogue followed by silence."

"You're not listening."

..............................................................

"Are you all right?"

"If I was all right, I wouldn't be blogging an imaginary conversation with you."

"Are you angry with me?"

"I'm angry, yes."

"At whom?"

"Me. Just me. I can't figure out how to just walk away. I don't want to care anymore."

"Ooo, difficult."

"That's it? That's all you have to say?"

"Pretty much."

...................................................................................................................

"Doesn't help much, does it?"

"Why can't you just help me? Why can't you fix things I can't fix?"

"Well, I could..."    

"Then DO IT!"

"You didn't let me finish. I could, but then you wouldn't develop properly. Your growth would be stunted. It would impair your ability to discern things. You must learn to stand on your own feet."

"I think I can manage that at this point. It is the rest I have trouble with. I'm not talking about me!"

"I know this. There are several others you have worn yourself out worrying about and you need to put that down."

"I can't do that."

"Then you'll be crushed beneath a load you need not bear. And you need to stop trying to fix things in the past. They're done. You can't change it." 

"I have to fix things."

"No, you don't. You can't."

"What do I do?"

"I just told you."

..........................

"You're not listening."

#ConversationsWithHim

Unfinished

 They just keep rolling in, you know?

It's just clouds. 

No. It isn't just clouds. It's stuff. So much stuff and I'm so weary of stuff.

There's sunshine beyond those dark clouds. 

Why can't I see that?

Sometimes you need clouds to shelter you from the harshness of the sun. The rain cleanses you.

What about the weight of those? The rain, the hail, the wind, the destruction?

The clouds pass and the sunshines again. What about the heat? The searing winds that scorch the life out of the grass? Dry air that blisters the skin? 

............. Why must it always be one or the other? Why isn't there a place in the middle where there's no pain, no grief, no hollowness?

There is. You're not there yet. You just have to keep going. 

I'm so tired. Things I used to think mattered don't anymore. I keep looking at everything and wondering why I still bother with it. You know, I've been working on this rug since January. I can only do a bit at time because of the pain in my hands. I'm 15 rows from being finished. Last night I looked at it and thought about just stopping and forgetting those 15 rows. They'll take days, maybe weeks, if my swollen hands have anything to do with it. I can stop now and it's finished. 

Or you can actually finish it, and it will look as you imagined. You will have completed the pattern. Every time you step on it, it will remind you of how hard you worked, the effort it took, and the joy it brings because you finished it. 

I'm not sure it's worth it anymore. It's just a rug. People will walk on it and never notice it except in passing. It will wear out and I'll toss it. No one will remember it, not even me.

Are we still talking about the same thing?

I don't know what I'm talking about. 

#Conversations With Him