Finding Faith

 

A few weeks ago, I appeared to be in the middle of a crisis. I didn’t know what was wrong with me, but a terrible depression enveloped me like locusts. Despite sleeping for 10 hours a day, I was exhausted and couldn’t think well. I woke up tired and went to bed tired. Naps lasted 2 to 4 hours, and I still went to bed tired. Keeping my laundry clean and changing the sheets became insurmountable efforts. Becca came and helped clean the cat boxes and floors. I don’t know what I’d do without her sometimes. An ex-daughter-in-law who does things like that for you is a rare treasure. She owes me nothing, yet she helps when needed.

There were a lot of things going on in my life at the time and since Jerry died, I don’t cope well. I’m sorry if you think you get over it, but the trauma of seeing someone die the way he did doesn’t go away… ever. Stresses, of any sort, just about slay me. Believe me when I say that is not who I was prior to January 2009. 

However, I suspected the problem had a physical source. The spiritual realm saw it as an opportunity to jump on me with both metaphysical feet. When this happens, it is nightmarish. It is a dark, lonely road and I am alone. No, really. Alone.

Yes, I prayed. I had long, rambling conversations with God about all my troubles. I ranted. He listened. I read my Bible, looking for answers. Found nothing helpful. I asked questions he didn’t answer. I cried and cried and cried. For days, I’d find myself just torn in pieces. 

Despite what they tell you, you do not find solutions to every problem in the Bible. I’m sorry to disillusion anyone. They’re not all there. What you find are ways to cope with the unanswerable questions. You find direction in how to navigate a world where some problems aren’t ever solved and never will be solved. 

One evening, I addressed the subject of faith. Sometimes I feel stupid talking to someone who isn’t visible. I only do that at home… usually. I have done it in my car and once a passenger asked me about it.

Anyway, I reached a place where I was so frustrated. I said, “I don’t even know what faith is! I can’t say that to anyone because they’d quote Hebrews 1:11 ‘Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.’”

“What does that even mean? It makes no sense and is confusing. There is no substance of something you hope for. They don’t exist except in the mind! Something not seen has no form.”

I’m sure I didn’t word it exactly that way, but that was the basic content of my rant. Hear me, God doesn’t mind your rants. God understands them. Jesus ranted in the temple. He used a whip on them. So, he gets rants. Believe it or not, he responds to them nicely. He remains silent and lets you get it out of your system. 

My only option at this point was to open my Bible and show him what I was talking about. (Cause he must not have read that verse, of course.) I explained I didn’t know what it was and didn’t understand it and that I must be a terrible person and going to hell because maybe I didn’t have any faith at all and without faith it is impossible to please Him………. 

I can’t say how long my rant lasted. I was hurting, so it probably wasn't long. My heart hurt and I had a weary mind and a troubled soul. My body was feeling the effects of those locust feet. Still crying, I decided the best I could do was just go to bed. 

I’ve started reading a section of Psalms over the last few months. Prayer in dark places is difficult, and I found it impossible to find words to pray that didn’t sound self serving and repetitive to me. David did a better job of praying than I could ever hope to emulate. I dried my tears and read.

The passage I read was Psalms 119:33-50. You should read it. 

    33. HE. Teach me, O LORD, the way of thy statutes; and I shall keep it unto the end.

    34. Give me understanding, and I shall keep thy law; yea, I shall observe it with my whole heart.

    35. Make me to go in the path of thy commandments; for therein do I delight.

    36. Incline my heart unto thy testimonies, and not to covetousness.

    37. Turn away mine eyes from beholding vanity; and quicken thou me in thy way.

    38. Stablish thy word unto thy servant, who is devoted to thy fear.

    39. Turn away my reproach which I fear: for thy judgments are good.

    40. Behold, I have longed after thy precepts: quicken me in thy righteousness.

    41. VAU. Let thy mercies come also unto me, O LORD, even thy salvation, according to thy word.

    42. So shall I have wherewith to answer him that reproacheth me: for I trust in thy word.

    43. And take not the word of truth utterly out of my mouth; for I have hoped in thy judgments.

    44. So shall I keep thy law continually for ever and ever.

    45. And I will walk at liberty: for I seek thy precepts.

    46. I will speak of thy testimonies also before kings, and will not be ashamed.

    47. And I will delight myself in thy commandments, which I have loved.

    48. My hands also will I lift up unto thy commandments, which I have loved; and I will meditate in thy statutes.

    49. ZAIN. Remember the word unto thy servant, upon which thou hast caused me to hope.

    50. This is my comfort in my affliction: for thy word hath quickened me.

There are following parts of of Psalms 119 I also read sometimes, but this is basically my bedtime prayer. And this night I read this section. And was smacked between the eyes. 

“Remember the word unto thy servant, upon which thou hast caused me to hope.”

I stumbled over that and cried again. I looked further back into the passage. “... for I trust in thy word”

Remember the word to your servant, which you caused me to hope in and in which I trust.

Faith. Faith is the substance of things hoped for. Remember your word that caused me to hope. I trust your Word. This is my comfort in my affliction! You gave me your word, made me hope in your word. And I trust your Word. 

I don't believe I need to say anything else. You get it.

Would You Like a Menu?

I never remember missing an Easter Sunday in church. I'm sure somewhere in my travels I have, but I can't remember it. Today I missed church.  Of course, I can watch the service online but today I missed even that. For several weeks, I've been waking up in the wee hours of the morning with excruciating cramps in my calves. I live alone in a stone house, so my screams didn't disturb the neighbors. 

Walking is painful. It is the same feeling as a pulled muscle. Not since I was pregnant with Michael have I had leg cramps this bad. That was 42 years ago. Back then, I learned in Lamaze classes how to "break" a cramp. You stretch in the opposite direction of the cramp. If your foot goes down, you pull it up. Only, these cramps won't let me. I have to get out of bed and put my foot down, and that stops it. I'm left with a very painful calf muscle and have to hobble down the hallway. 

For three hours, I sat in my chair and kept telling myself I'd go to church at 11. I didn't. So, I would go to the noon service. Each time I got up to dress, I had to deal with the sore calves and finally just gave up. It hurt and depressed me. 

I know today is the day we remember the price Jesus paid for our freedom, our salvation. He allowed himself to be crucified to pay the penalty for our sins on our behalf. My pain seems unimportant compared to what he endured. I live with constant pain and still can't imagine the horror of his. How dare I miss church for such a little pain? 

I remember a place in the Bible where it says "he was wounded for our transgressions". In another, "by his stripes, we are healed." His pain had a purpose. And he agreed to be wounded for the purpose. He had a choice. He endured the pain because he had a plan.

There is no purpose for my pain. It doesn't make me a better person. I don't magically become more sensitive, compassionate, or understanding. I didn't agree to feel pain, to have rheumatoid arthritis, fibromyalgia, and whatever else this may be. No one asked me. No one gave me a menu to pick the pain I wanted. I wanted none of this. 

This is a consequence of my genetics. I can't fix it or change it. My pain is a consequence of a fallen world that corrupted my DNA. Someone else made the choice for me. They chose unwisely. 

So, there are days I can't walk well or put on a blouse or brush my hair without pain. I can't focus on what you're saying, let alone listen to a long sermon. I love my pastor's preaching and teaching. When I have to exert more effort to listen, I become frustrated and exhausted. So, I stay home. Whether I go or stay, I'll experience frustration and depression because my body has robbed me of the things I enjoy once again. There is no purpose in that. 

This isn't much of a praise post, is it? I don't feel like praise today. I want to curl up and cover my head.  But I didn't. Instead, I read my Bible and praised in the pain. There is a purpose in that.  

The next time you're suffering from some malady, don't beat yourself up if you can't get to church. And don't let others beat you up for it either. If someone makes you feel bad because you didn't go to church, give them a menu and ask them to pick their pain. 

And praise God anyway.

Unfinished

 They just keep rolling in, you know?

It's just clouds. 

No. It isn't just clouds. It's stuff. So much stuff and I'm so weary of stuff.

There's sunshine beyond those dark clouds. 

Why can't I see that?

Sometimes you need clouds to shelter you from the harshness of the sun. The rain cleanses you.

What about the weight of those? The rain, the hail, the wind, the destruction?

The clouds pass and the sunshines again. What about the heat? The searing winds that scorch the life out of the grass? Dry air that blisters the skin? 

............. Why must it always be one or the other? Why isn't there a place in the middle where there's no pain, no grief, no hollowness?

There is. You're not there yet. You just have to keep going. 

I'm so tired. Things I used to think mattered don't anymore. I keep looking at everything and wondering why I still bother with it. You know, I've been working on this rug since January. I can only do a bit at time because of the pain in my hands. I'm 15 rows from being finished. Last night I looked at it and thought about just stopping and forgetting those 15 rows. They'll take days, maybe weeks, if my swollen hands have anything to do with it. I can stop now and it's finished. 

Or you can actually finish it, and it will look as you imagined. You will have completed the pattern. Every time you step on it, it will remind you of how hard you worked, the effort it took, and the joy it brings because you finished it. 

I'm not sure it's worth it anymore. It's just a rug. People will walk on it and never notice it except in passing. It will wear out and I'll toss it. No one will remember it, not even me.

Are we still talking about the same thing?

I don't know what I'm talking about. 

#Conversations With Him

The Dreams We Dream Or What the Cat Saw In the Night

 

Well.

Yes, well. 

Things have been happening.

They usually do, if you let them.

I had nothing to do with any of it. Things were fine, calm and collected. I did not rock the boat.

No, that's true. Of course, you don't live on an island — .

Not my choice either!

Right. Well, we are all connected and when something happens —.

Please tell me you're not going to give me the "Butterfly Theory".

Oh. You've heard about that.

I saw the movie. 

Oh. Well.

Seems we're back where we started. 

No, we're still in the same place. Time has moved forward and as you said, things have been happening. 

It's been very difficult this time. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm tired.

I know. You told me the other night. I'm sorry that you feel so awful. I hear you. I see you. I AM here.

Do you know, I woke up last night, briefly. I was sleeping facing my door. I rolled over and tried to open my eyes but couldn't, except one eye. I turned my head toward the window and I thought I saw a very tall man standing by the window. I think he was looking out. But he'd paused for a moment to touch that plaster anchor on the wall, like he was adjusting it or something. It has a scripture on it: Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.

A man?

Yes. I blinked and got the other eye open; but he'd disappeared.

Were you afraid?

That's why I remember it so well. I wasn't. I was half asleep, but I looked again before I closed my eyes. I turned back over and just as I drifted off, the word Guardian went through my mind. 

Interesting.

I just checked that position of the anchor. He was at least 6 feet tall. 

You've had dreams where you woke thinking you saw someone.

Yes. With my heart pounding, and I'd jump nearly out of bed. Sometimes I'd yell out loud. No, this wasn't that. You know what else is strange?

What?

I think he, it, whatever, woke me. I thought I heard a sound. I rolled over to see. And strangest of all, Jet was looking at it, too. He sleeps on that side of the bed, on the pillow. I saw him as I rolled over, staring at that window.

Ah.

I'll never know for sure, will I?

Well, maybe someday you'll know everything. 

{sigh} Yeah. I'd really like that. 

 

Keep Digging

I've been struggling with somethings this summer, maybe for the whole year. I don't know exactly when I felt the struggle start or what trigger started it. Trigger... such a big word these days. Every time I hear it I see children with their toy cowboy cap pistols, rapid firing or fanning the hammer on them. With each click, there is a small pop and puff of smoke. I just can't get serious about such a word and I'm sure someone will be triggered by it. So be it.

My struggle is of unknown origin, start, contents, and progression. To clarify and reiterate: I have no idea what it is, when it started, how it started, what it consists of, or where I am in the progression of this situation. I just know I'm struggling with something...immovable and impassable.

My vacation in early June didn't help. It was nice but it didn't really make me feel better. My brother's death in July certainly didn't help matters, and in fact, I got worse. Having to travel to the backside of Arkansas in late July for 4 days also only added to the stress. I ended up exhausted after three months of running up and down and to and fro.

In fact, nothing I've tried has helped. It is a strange malady where I appear to be stuck in a void. I'm sorry, that's the best description I can give you. Yes, I've prayed about it. Maybe not as hard as I should have but that is part of the problem. I've actually been reading my Bible a tremendous amount this last year, thanks primarily to an app called YouVersion. It is amazing and for the first time in my life, I'll get the Bible read through in less than a year. Reading the Bible hasn't helped. I have enjoyed it immensely and find that I want to read it more often.

I've been in dark places before. I've struggled with clinical depression and had to self-treat it. I've watched my husband die while I tried to save him. It plunged me into a place as dark and as cold as the grave I put him in. I've had people I love distance themselves from me both physically and emotionally. So, I'm not unfamiliar with heartache and depression. This isn't depression. At least, not like any I've ever felt. This feels like nothing.

There is a place in the Bible, in Deut. 28:23 that says, "And thy heaven that is over thy head shall be brass, and the earth that is under thee shall be iron." While that is a fair description, it isn't quite accurate either. But it is another way of describing this place.

Today we went to church and I really enjoyed the Sunday School lesson and worship service. During worship service pastor went around and shook hands with various people. We're a growing church and I'm sure he doesn't see everyone every time. He hadn't seen me but about once in three months and I'm not sure of that. So, today he stopped and shook my hand and said, "We're praying for you."

I said, "Thank you. I need it. I've been struggling with something personal and need the prayers."

He said, "Well, why don't I just pray for you right now." And he did.

Honestly, I believe in prayer and that God touches us. I wish I could say I felt immediately better but I didn't. God doesn't always act immediately and he has good reasons. We just don't know them.

Pastor moved on and I went back to the worship service. In my case, I think God did do something, and you'll laugh when I say this, but I have no idea what it was.

The service became quite spiritually moving and everyone was praying, singing, and/or worshiping in some fashion. We're Pentecostals so you know it was loud and energetic. Physically I'm not really as able to participate as I once was but as I was standing at my seat praying, I got this image in mind that confused me.

I saw myself before a huge wall. When I say huge, it was so tall I couldn't see the top and it extended right and left beyond my sight. I was on my knees before this wall, digging. There were no doors or windows that I could see and so I was trying to dig either through it or beneath it.

That's it. I didn't understand it but in my mind, I knew that whatever this was, it was a barrier between me and whatever is on the other side. I also knew I had to keep digging. So, that's what I said. I actually prayed it as I stood there. I'll keep digging. I won't stop, no matter what. I won't give up. I'll just keep digging until I find a way through it.

And that's the end of this post. I guess you'll just have to come back to see when I find the answer.

Blue Sky Promises

I am so hungry.

Well, there sure is a lot of food on that table. Where do you want to start?

It isn't real.

So, what is the real problem here? You're hungry. What are you hungry for?

That's just it. I don't know. I've wracked my brain trying to figure out what is wrong and . . . it eludes me.

I've had several calls from you. 

Well, at least now I know you got them.

Now, let's not be flip.

I'm just trying to let you know how I feel.

I got that message, too.

There is this enormous gaping hole I can't fill. And it seems to grow larger every day. I think . . . I think that . . .

That?

I think I'm overreacting and no one really cares, anyway. It's been a pretty rotten day. I slept badly last night and didn't get enough sleep. I got up and had coffee and I fell asleep reading my Bible. I was so tired. I must have slept badly in the chair. A storm moved in and I woke up feeling as if a truck had hit me. I've not been well since.

...

What? No advice? Nothing?

What do you want me to say?

What do I want you to say? Really? I don't even know what I want. Do you expect me to know what you want? In fact, I think that's the problem. What exactly do you expect from me? I'm pretty much useless. I can't do anything I wanted to do. I'm so isolated that I could be on an island and no one would even know. I was in the kitchen and Sarah asked me who I was talking to! I don't even know anymore when I talk out loud to myself or am talking in my head. What do I want you to say? Well, anything would be nice. Or maybe it wouldn't. If it isn't nice, I don't think I want to know. I've had enough of the other stuff.

You're tired. 

I am more than tired. I'm wasted. Hollow. Vacant. Void. Empty. Deserted. Abandoned.

You're not deserted or abandoned. 

Look around here, please. I want to go home and it doesn't even exist anymore except in my head.

You're homesick?

... I don't know. No. It is deeper than that. I want to go back and do one thing differently so that everything will be different. I want what is lost. I want what can't ever be. I want things the way they were before they went wrong.

I see. That's a terrible place to be. An impossible place.

I want to fix all the broken things. And they're all broken. Everything is broken. Even me. And I don't think, no, I know that none of it can be fixed.

You probably ought to think about a new name for this blog. It isn't what it used to be.

Wow. Well, neither am I.

You can't go back. The road only goes forward. You can choose to sit down and stay here. But ... it is a pretty drab spot. Lots of gloomy clouds, darkness hovering just over that hill, and I can't stay here with you. If you stay, you will be alone. 

I know. There is nothing left back there. I watched it burn.

I promise you, there are green pastures ahead. Cool streams. Blue skies. You'll get thru the dark. 

Don't tell me to be patient, please.

I won't. I heard the joke.

#ConversationsWithHim








Note: the joke is "I had patients. They all died."

Sorting

Wasn't sure you'd show up.

I always do, eventually. 

Been a strange day for me and I don't really understand it. I'm not sure what I'm feeling or even thinking.

Is there a problem bothering you?

Ha, ha, ha! There's always a problem bothering me.

All right. Let me have it.

That's funny. You know, I'd never have guessed you had such a great sense of humor.

Why not?

Oh, I don't know. Might have been the flood or turning people into salt shakers. Kind of lost me on the humor there.

Actually, it was a block of salt and ... well, only one person. She was warned, too.

Oh, yeah. Have to admit the bears eating the kids was kind of funny.

Riiiigghhtt. But you're serious about a problem, right?

Oh, I think it is just the same old thing. Some of it is really stupid stuff. I don't actually want to put on the blog.

Well, I'm surprised at some of the stuff you already put on here.

Uh... is that a joke?

No. 

Oh. OK. I'm just confused on some things and I don't actually know how to clear it up. And yes, I've already been reading the Bible. A lot, actually. It hasn't helped.

Hmmm.

Sister Fletcher, you remember her, she once told me not to try and figure out things but just keep reading and eventually, it would come to me when I needed it.

I suspect she was right. You've had that experience before.

Yeah, but seems like I've become more confused rather than less.

Or maybe you're just impatient. 

{sigh}

Sorry. 

It doesn't matter. I don't even know why I'm writing this. It isn't helping at all. Some of what I intended to address I can't remember now. Waited too long. Probably won't publish this tonight.

Sleep on it. 

**********

I did. Sometimes even sleep won't fix things. I wrote this a couple of weeks ago and things haven't really changed much. I still don't know what is going on but I've simply put it down and left it there. Whatever is bugging me will work itself out.

That or I'll go nuts.

Sometimes you just have to leave the problem to fend for itself. You can't really run away from your problems but you can deliver them to God and let him deal with them.

Yeah, easier said than done. You're talking to the perfectionist fanatic who can't let go of anything. I've got to fix it. I've got to manage it. I've got to take care of... Yeah, that's me. And it leads to the conversations you see above. I'm trying to put things down more. It isn't easy and it is so easy to slip back and pick it up again.

I had a conversation last night. I won't recount it all here but I remember saying that I'm at the end of my rope. There is enough on my plate to feed a small third world country. Probably two of them. What do I have to worry about? I've got food to eat, a warm, dry place to sleep, amenities to make my life so much easier than that third world country. My problems probably wouldn't seem very serious to someone over there. They probably aren't really important to you, either.

I remember a preacher named R. W. Schambach that always said, "You don't have any trouble. All you need is faith in God." I used to listen to him on the radio way back. I discovered his broadcast at a time in my life that I needed spiritual nurturing. I always wanted to think that way but it is pretty hard in the middle of trouble. If I think real hard, I know that I don't have any trouble. I have thorns in the flesh that irritate me but I think I did learn that if I can just let it alone it will heal itself.

Not every problem will fix itself, though. Your problems are probably really bad. I don't have a clue what you're dealing with at all. The children are a problem, the husband's a problem, the neighbors are a problem, your sister-in-law is a problem. Even your sister's husband's uncle's daughter is a problem.

Yeah, I've had those, too. The kids, husband, neighbors, family members have all been a chore to deal with at one time or another. In my family, crazy relatives are our only source of entertainment. And grief. I found if I just let it alone, most of the time, God will handle it.

I wonder sometimes what people are thinking when they do certain things. I wonder sometimes what I was thinking. Most of the crazy things I've done I've kept to myself but I have this overwhelming sense of guilt that constantly eats at me so I don't forget. I don't have any idea how many times I've told God how embarrassed I am about some things only he knows about. But there it is.

There are things I'm trying to stop doing. No, I'm not drinking or smoking or partying. I'm pretty boring. There are just some things that I want to eliminate in my thinking. See, I know how to live for God but there's a lot more to it than what you do. There are all these things in my head that I have to deal with and a there's a lot I'd like to clear out. I've reached a point where I've decided to stop asking for some things and stop entertaining certain things in my thoughts. Truthfully, they aren't things a single person would think anything about. They're just things I think.

I have no point to this post but maybe someone will get something out of it. It is mostly trying to sort it all out. I don't think I have yet. Maybe I won't ever.

#ConversationsWithHim

Just Me

Things have not gone exactly as planned.

I see. Whose plans?

Well. . . I expected the surgery to fix my problem. That was the plan I had in mind.

They told you that might not happen.

They did. I thought you'd be involved in this, too.

I was there.

I know. I was never afraid at all and I expected to be a little nervous. I wasn't. I was talking about afterward.

You're disappointed.

Ya think? I still have an arm that is dipped in boiling water most of the day. When it isn't, it is simmering. So, disappointed is an understatement.

.....

I watched a video of a girl being healed yesterday. It was amazing. Awe inspiring, even.

......

I don't think I know what faith is and that's distressing Is it belief you will or belief you can? Because I know nothing is impossible for you. I also know you don't do everything you're asked. So believing you will doesn't make it so. Believing you can if you choose... well that's different. I think it is your choice. If you don't want to do something, no matter how much I believe you will won't change that.

How does that make you feel?

Sad. Disappointed. Frustrated. Confused. Because I don't understand which it is and it makes it impossible to know what to do.

.....

I'm being truthful, here.

I know.

I hate when they quote that scripture about faith being the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen. I have no idea what that means. I've researched it and I don't think anyone else does either.

That could be true.

This isn't helping me.

Oh, I think it probably is. You usually come up with something.

Not today. Today is dark, wet, cold. Without faith it is impossible to please God.

You've had answers to prayers. You believe.

......

Just not always the answers to the prayers that mean the most to you. 

Things that involve me. I prayed for Sarah a few days ago for some severe jaw pain she was having and she came running down the hall five minutes later, wrapped in a towel saying, "My jaw doesn't hurt anymore!" That meant something to me. I've prayed for myself.... Repeatedly. Without the same results and I'm kind of tired.

Everyone has that feeling at one time or another. When the journey gets rough, find a place to rest.

Rest! That's a whole 'nother blog post.

You trusted me in the surgery, when they took knives to your spine. Why is it you don't trust me in this moment.

I don't know. I don't think it is a trust issue.

Then what is it?

Just me.



#ConversationsWithHim

Booboos

I've managed to get through the holidays relatively unscathed by the darkness that has so often accompanied this time of year.

Yes, you've done well.

Truth is, I've been too sick to notice what month it was, never mind what anniversary. I was sick through Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Year. I totally forgot my wedding anniversary... even though my son got married on the same date. I didn't remember until he posted something on Facebook. And the anniversary of Jerry's death... I remembered the day after.

How did you feel about that?

Horrible. Like I'd done something wrong.

Life goes on. 

Really? Cliches?

I invented them... well, I said things that others made into cliches. 

I know I've used a bunch of them. Anyway, so, today things got dark. It sort of rolled in like a fog, I felt it approaching yesterday and today it just settled over me. I didn't want to be alone but Sarah went home for the weekend.I honestly was looking forward to some alone time.

How long did that last?

About 5 minutes. Well, actually longer but the heaviness just sat there. It is past my bedtime and I know if I go to bed I'll not rest well. I'm in pain, too, so it isn't helping. My RA meds finally wore off.

..........

What am I missing?

I don't know if you're missing anything

I'm not going to write a sigh or the mental laugh that I just had but I thought you knew everything?

What makes you think you're missing anything?

Because I don't feel like I get anything right.

You've felt better; I don't mean pain wise.

It was just a fluke.

I don't do flukes. Unless you're talking about liver flukes. I did those. 

All right. I admit. I've had a more positive attitude. I've felt like ...

Go on, say it. And don't give me that look.

I've felt like some things were ... right.

There. That didn't hurt, did it?

Actually . . .

Stop.

I feel terrible.

Had you bothered to have a conversation with me earlier, I might have been able to alleviate some of your stress. You choose to wrestle with it and have suffered because of it. You come now and expect me to kiss your wounds and make it all better. I can't. Unattended wounds tend to get infected if left untreated. You know this as well as I do. Yet, you let it fester. 

Uh. . .

I'm not done. Yes, I could just wipe it all away but if I did that every time you hurt, you'd never learn anything. You have a choice to live in a bubble or live life. The reality is that life, real life, hurts. It hurts tremendously. To have life, you must hurt. If you don't, you're not living. However, when it hurts, you have a physician who can get you through the rough spots. You'll have wounds, you'll bleed, and you'll have scars. You'll just live life through it. 

.......

I'm done now.

I guess I just forgot.

If I had a nickel....

I think I'm going to bed now. I'm sure rest will be good for me.

#ConversationsWithHim

What is Blessing?

For the last couple of days I've been reminded several times of how blessed I am. The sensation of being blessed has just been overwhelming. This set me wondering why it is often so hard to notice when we're blessed. I know many of us say, "I'm blessed." But as Inigo Montoya* once said, "I do not think that word means what you think it means."

We're all blessed just to be above ground and breathing. That's not what I'm talking about. We are here by decree. God placed us here. He didn't place us here as a blessing. At least, I don't believe so. He placed us here so he could spend time with us. That is a blessing of sorts but may folks don't believe in God, are not religious, or have miserable lives. So, just being alive and present is not necessarily a blessing to many.

What is a blessing? Pentecostals often say, "He got a blessing" when someone shouts under the influence of the Holy Ghost. Others say a financial windfall is a blessing. Some of us considered the "A" on our report card a blessing. I guess those can all be defined as blessings. The report card probably occurred because you worked hard, not because God gave it to you. He gave you the intelligence to achieve it but  believe me, he didn't make it easy. The windfall could be because of hard work made possible by the strength he gave you. Winning the lottery... not so much. It is a game of chance. Many folks think the universe came about the same way, by chance. So, that's isn't a blessing either. Chance negates God's participation. Nothing God is involved in is subject to chance.

The dictionary defines blessing this way:
1 a :  the act or words of one that blesses
   b :  approval, encouragement
2    :  a thing conducive to happiness or welfare
3    :  grace said at a meal

I think the words approval and encouragement are what I recognize as blessings. We designate so many things as a blessing that I think we lose sight of what the bare bones of the concept really is. God's approval and his encouragement are the basis of real blessing. To have his approval and be encouraged by him when life is a mess is an amazing blessing. You may not recognize the blessing at the time, but eventually, you can look back with clarity and see just how much you are blessed.

Face it, it is easy to feel blessed when the bills are paid, there's food on the table, and a roof over your head. It is much harder when the bank account is empty after you paid for all that. Writing that tithe check is a struggle when a bill collector just told you to sell something to pay them. When the baby is sick and you have no one to call it is hard to feel blessed. When your spouse dies and you sit in an empty house alone you don't feel blessed. You don't even feel God at times.

I've experienced every one of those things. I know how I felt. Alone, forsaken, and destitute. Not blessed. When I couldn't take my kid to the doctor because I had no money and no insurance. When my husband and I had nothing but temp jobs for over a year. It is a horrible feeling. But I remember we still managed to survive, pay the bills, and keep our house. I remember getting a job I applied for after I promised to pay extra tithes for one year if God would give me the job. Do you know, when faced with it I hesitated. But I did it... for two years. We were better off financially than we'd ever been before.

Was it a blessing? What was the blessing and who was blessed? Check the first definition. An act by which one blesses. I wasn't the one getting blessed. God was. He took me at my word and I had to follow through.  I blessed him.

And he blessed me. With his approval and encouragement. I wanted to pay the extra that second year. I loved being able to do it. I recognized the graciousness of God allowing me the ability to do so.

I have RA, fibromyalgia, and take tons of medication. I've asked for healing. Over and over and over. God hasn't healed me. Standing in church last Sunday I had to sit down. With no warning, I felt as if I'd been hit by a bus. In moments, pain swept over my whole body. I was in church, worshiping God and was hit with terrible pain. I thought I'd have to leave immediately. Where's the blessing?

My son saw how sick I was and asked the pastor to come pray for me. Did the pain leave? It eased up but it did not leave.  I went home in pain. But I feel so blessed.

In recent months I've begun to think that being blessed is not a state of being. It is a state of mind. It isn't something you can see, taste, or touch. Blessings are not things, places, or people. It is a brain thing. How your mind sees your condition and situation determine whether or not you're blessed. You can look at a broken leg as a disaster. Never mind that the other person in the car crash died.  Perhaps they went home to be with the Lord.  Who got blessed?

Blessing isn't location based. It isn't positional. It isn't health based. It isn't wealth based. Blessing is relationship based. How you view the chaos around you is important because it determines your relationship with others, particularly God. Wallowing in pity may feel good for about a minute. If it didn't we wouldn't do it. Admit it, you feel justified in your misery. Well, I do. But it doesn't matter. Misery doesn't affect blessing. Because it is relational, not emotional. God loves me when I'm miserable, probably more than when I 'm happy. Because he wants to comfort me.

That is blessing.

Stop thinking your situation is hopeless. Maybe it is. Maybe there is no cure, no fix, no money, no friends. But God wants to comfort you right where you are because your relationship is where you find him.

It is ok to feel bad. It is ok to cry. It is ok to be angry, sick, disgusted, annoyed, frustrated, or furious. Those are emotions God gave us. The Bible says "Be angry and sin not." Recognize that God is in the storm and in the calm. He's in the fire and the flood. In the midst of turmoil he seeks to hold your hand and walk you through it. Or he's waiting on the other side for you to walk to him.

That is the blessing.







*The Princess Bride

The Search for Happiness

I've been missing Jerry a lot of late. I usually do between November and February. I suppose it came late this year. It isn't a continuous pain but a sudden, stabbing in the hollow places of my heart. 

Yesterday, as I drove home from work through a neighborhood with some lovely homes, I was assailed with longing for something I think I was unaware that I had ever possessed. The average-middle class homes arrayed along a gentle, curving street with neat yards that had received years of attention were a bit above the lower middle-class income we had but it wasn't about that. It was more.

Yearning is a little used word these days but that is the only word that works for what I was feeling. As I drove along, my mind filled in blanks with children tumbling on a green carpet and a small dog barking and scrambling to be a part of the excitement. The windows glowed with evening lights and the smell of fresh cut grass and barbeque seemed to drift on the air. But it didn't. It was all in my head and I ached with the thoughts of it all. 

I left the neighborhood and entered my own, slightly more modest section. As I did so, in the midst of all that painful yearning I heard myself say, "I've had a good life." There is a sense of disbelief even when I write it because I don't remember ever thinking that in my whole life. Life has been hard. At times, nearly impossible. There is not enough time, nor am I inclined to share the worst of it. 

Recently, my mind began to trot out memories that I didn't really forget but rather, had neglected in favor of less appealing ones. And ... the truth is ... I've had a great life. I'm overwhelmingly blessed and favored. I know this. That was a new feeling, an almost devastatingly painful feeling. It hurt terribly to think it. Not because it wasn't a wonderful realization but because I had failed to recognize it until I am an old woman. This is something we should know when we're young. Maybe other people do. I don't know. I just know I never knew it. At least, I don't think I did.

The feeling clung to me the rest of the evening and today but I still had trouble believing it. My life had so many twists and turns that it was hard to imagine it as "great".

I was given away to grandparents and it was the best thing that could have happened to me, despite a childhood filled with the ugliness of alcohol. I had wonderful aunts, uncles, and cousins, the memories of whom still make my heart smile. 

I was 17 when Mama died but I married a wonderful man who only wanted to make me happy the rest of his life. And he tried every day, for the next 35 years.

At 21, I was in Europe and I walked the halls of ancient castles and palaces. I climbed trails in the Bavrian Alps, slaked my thrist from an icy artisian well, and gazed over parapets at beautiful green valleys. I strolled the Champs Elysee, climbed the Eiffel Tower, and stared at the flying buttresses and stained glass of Notre Dame. I shopped in Germany. I lived in five US states. I've slept under stars, hiked woodland trails, and swam in the ocean. I've played in the sand, dug in the dirt, and laid on the grass and painted clouds. I've laughed, cried, and raged over wonderful, foolish, and dreadful things.

It is a mystery to me how I missed all that. Although, I think the truth is that I didn't miss it... then. I miss it all now. I crave the excitement and the laughter and the mystery that each of those days provided. I long for the feeling of walking along a Paris street on Jerry's arm. Now life seems so tame, so bland, so predictable. For someone who stood in the throne room of a once great king, today feels anticlimatic. 

Yet, today whispered a secret in my ear. "I've had a great life." I've been blessed with more than wealth, more than fame. I've rocked my babies and watched them grow into wonderful men. I sang to my grandchild and am amazed at her beautiful soul and smile that blinds me. I'm blessed to find a new friend when my son remarried, and gained two grandchildren. I still have aunts, uncle, cousins, and siblings that shower me with love.  

No, I have not done all the things I wanted to do but I have done a lot of things I never dreamed I would do. So, perhaps happiness is not something you look for, but rather something you find. And a wonderful life is determined solely by your perspective.

Damaged Emotions

I started reading this book I found Monday was in my bookcase and I think I've read it before, a long time ago. I have underlined some things and marked pages. Healing for Damaged Emotions, by David A Seamands. In the preface, he says early in his ministry he began to notice there were two kinds of people he was unable to help as a minister.

"I saw one group being driven into futility and loss of confidence in God's power. While they desperately prayed, their prayers about personal problems didn't seem to be answered. They tried every Christian discipline, but with no results. As they played the same old cracked record of their defeats, the needle would get stuck in repetitive emotional patterns. While they kept up the outward observances of praying and paying and professing, they were going deeper into disillusionment and despair. 
I saw the other group moving toward phoniness. These people were repressing their inner feelings and denying to themselves that anything was seriously wrong, because "Christians can't have such problems." Instead of facing their problems, they covered them with a veneer of Scripture verses, theological terms, and unrealistic platitudes."  -- Healing for Damaged Emotions, David A. Seamands.

It was this that statement that made me decide to reread this book. He mentions in his first chapter that Christians often go to one of two extremes to address these folks. "Some Christians see anything that wiggles as the devil."  If you have a problem, you must be demon possessed. From my on experience, I've seen this over and over. If you're depressed, it is the devil. If you're overeating, it is the devil. If you're having panic attacks, it is the devil.

The other extreme was "Read your Bible. Pray. Have more faith.  If you were spiritually OK, you wouldn't have this hangup. You could never get depressed. You would never have any sexual compulsions or problems." 

In my experience as a Pentecostal, we're told we just need to shout more, sing more, speak in tongues more, and check our hems and hairlines. I believe all those things have their place in our faith, but not every problem is fixed or even addressed by any of those. Even Jesus noted that there are some problems which require more than the external actions of the believer and those ministering to them to correct.

When I suffered from clinical depression years ago, I experienced the second kind. I re-experienced it again when Jerry died. If you're one of those who deliver this kind of ministering, let me make one thing perfectly clear. You're nuts. That is not compassionate and it most certainly is not Biblical.

People suffering from damaged emotions can't be "fixed" by standard methods and they can't be fixed after one revival. They may feel better for a time, but the nature of these kinds of wounds is that they are deep and generally infected. It takes time and consistent attention to heal. I suspect that it takes a mixture of love, prayer, special encouragement, and counseling to stitch up the wounds and time to allow them to heal.

I'm going to continue reading this book. It isn't long and I'll let you know if I find it helpful.