Where Were You?

 

Where were you all this time?

What?

Where were you all this time? Things were bad. No, strike that. They were absolutely abysmal.

Oh, I've been with you.

What? No. No, you weren't.

But I was. If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there.

Oh....

Yes. Oh. Psalms 139 

1.O lord, thou hast searched me, and known me.
2 Thou knowest my downsitting and mine uprising, thou understandest my thought afar off.
3 Thou compassest my path and my lying down, and art acquainted with all my ways.
4 For there is not a word in my tongue, but, lo, O Lord, thou knowest it altogether.
5 Thou hast beset me behind and before, and laid thine hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high, I cannot attain unto it.
7 Whither shall I go from thy spirit? or whither shall I flee from thy presence?
8 If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there.
9 If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea;
10 Even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me.
11 If I say, Surely the darkness shall cover me; even the night shall be light about me.
12 Yea, the darkness hideth not from thee; but the night shineth as the day: the darkness and the light are both alike to thee.
13 For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother's womb.
14 I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.
15 My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
16 Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them.
17 How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! how great is the sum of them!
18 If I should count them, they are more in number than the sand: when I awake, I am still with thee.
19 Surely thou wilt slay the wicked, O God: depart from me therefore, ye bloody men.
20 For they speak against thee wickedly, and thine enemies take thy name in vain.
21 Do not I hate them, O Lord, that hate thee? and am not I grieved with those that rise up against thee?
22 I hate them with perfect hatred: I count them mine enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts:
24 And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

{sigh}

Well, I didn't mean to make you cry. I was only answering your question. 

I know. Could you maybe make a little noise though? Just in case I forget. 

#ConverstationsWithHim

How Good is Our God

Did you ever ask yourself that? Did you ever wonder for a second? Or maybe ... maybe you've looked around and said, "How good is our God!" I know I do that every day. Sometimes, when I'm in my car I talk to God and just ride along telling him how very awesome I think he is and how grateful I am for his goodness.

“The Lord is good to all, and his mercy is over all that he has made.” Psalm 145:9

I've been working on reading my Bible every morning. It is a habit I've had trouble with for years. If you're a woman and have an outside job, children, and other responsibilities it seems that there is just not enough time in a day to get everything done. Whenever I have moments I'm not working on something else I try and read. Having an app on my phone and my Kindle has made a huge difference. I still love my "real" Bible but the app can be read or listened to anywhere or anytime and I've noticed a huge increase in my reading time. But back to how good is our God.

“For the Lord is good; his steadfast love endures forever, and his faithfulness to all generations.” Psalm 100:5

His love endures forever? In a world for love comes cheap, that is an astounding claim, isn't it? Furthermore, he is faithful to ALL generations? Love and faithfulness are rare commodities in the 21st century and to find it anywhere is a treasure of immense value. He is always there, always listening, always loving. To know this is such a great comfort, particularly when I don't feel like anyone is there, listening, or loving me. When I feel my most unlovable and most lonely, he's still with me.

  The Lord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah. Psalms 46:7

How many nights have you spent in an ER with someone you loved?  Did you watch their pain and wish you could help in some way? I remember taking Sarah to the ER when she was about seven or eight and she was so sick. They had to put in an IV. As a result of countless hospitalization resulting from febrile seizures as an infant and toddler until she was 6, she has absolute terror or needles. This night, they had to threaten to strap her down to get an IV in. They brought in a huge male nurse and he sat down and talked with her so calmly. He was able to put in the IV without any problems but she was so sick and in pain and the IV was traumatic. I sat there in the dark when they left us to wait and prayed for God to touch her and help her sleep and ease her pain. I was astounded when within 5 minutes afterward, she was sleeping soundly. He does listen and is a refuge in times of stress, fear, and trouble.

Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. Jeremiah 29:12

Sometimes I just want someone to listen to me. I used to vent to my husband and he was so patient and generally just let me rant with little comment. I never realized how much I needed that in my life until it was gone. To be able to release the frustrations and stresses without judgment and criticism was a relief. There were days I'd come home from work after having dealt with a boss that enjoyed making things difficult and making us work harder rather than smarter and who refused to accept responsibility when something went wrong. I had to deal with people who called me names while telling my boss I discriminated because they were black. I'd be so angry at being unable to defend myself against false accusations and having no one to stand up for me. 

When Jerry died, there was no one to absorb the deluge. Maybe you think it was cruel but I did the same for him when he was working. Once he was gone, it took me a while to realize that God is sitting in the passenger seat listening. He's across the dinner table, listening. He's sitting on the sofa next to me, listening. I can dump all the stresses, frustrations, anger, and annoyances at his feet. He can take it. And when it is over, he wraps me in his arms and calms my spirit. I have fewer such stresses these days because I no longer deal with that situation. However, life is still stressful and frustrating, and annoying. God is still here.

“For the Lord is good; his steadfast love endures forever, and his faithfulness to all generations.” Psalm 100:5

So, just how good is our God? There is no end to his goodness. No end to his faithfulness. No end to his love. 

For the LORD is good; his mercy is everlasting; his truth endureth to all generations. Psalms 100:5

Booboos

I've managed to get through the holidays relatively unscathed by the darkness that has so often accompanied this time of year.

Yes, you've done well.

Truth is, I've been too sick to notice what month it was, never mind what anniversary. I was sick through Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Year. I totally forgot my wedding anniversary... even though my son got married on the same date. I didn't remember until he posted something on Facebook. And the anniversary of Jerry's death... I remembered the day after.

How did you feel about that?

Horrible. Like I'd done something wrong.

Life goes on. 

Really? Cliches?

I invented them... well, I said things that others made into cliches. 

I know I've used a bunch of them. Anyway, so, today things got dark. It sort of rolled in like a fog, I felt it approaching yesterday and today it just settled over me. I didn't want to be alone but Sarah went home for the weekend.I honestly was looking forward to some alone time.

How long did that last?

About 5 minutes. Well, actually longer but the heaviness just sat there. It is past my bedtime and I know if I go to bed I'll not rest well. I'm in pain, too, so it isn't helping. My RA meds finally wore off.

..........

What am I missing?

I don't know if you're missing anything

I'm not going to write a sigh or the mental laugh that I just had but I thought you knew everything?

What makes you think you're missing anything?

Because I don't feel like I get anything right.

You've felt better; I don't mean pain wise.

It was just a fluke.

I don't do flukes. Unless you're talking about liver flukes. I did those. 

All right. I admit. I've had a more positive attitude. I've felt like ...

Go on, say it. And don't give me that look.

I've felt like some things were ... right.

There. That didn't hurt, did it?

Actually . . .

Stop.

I feel terrible.

Had you bothered to have a conversation with me earlier, I might have been able to alleviate some of your stress. You choose to wrestle with it and have suffered because of it. You come now and expect me to kiss your wounds and make it all better. I can't. Unattended wounds tend to get infected if left untreated. You know this as well as I do. Yet, you let it fester. 

Uh. . .

I'm not done. Yes, I could just wipe it all away but if I did that every time you hurt, you'd never learn anything. You have a choice to live in a bubble or live life. The reality is that life, real life, hurts. It hurts tremendously. To have life, you must hurt. If you don't, you're not living. However, when it hurts, you have a physician who can get you through the rough spots. You'll have wounds, you'll bleed, and you'll have scars. You'll just live life through it. 

.......

I'm done now.

I guess I just forgot.

If I had a nickel....

I think I'm going to bed now. I'm sure rest will be good for me.

#ConversationsWithHim