Ten Days of Praise Again: Day 1

I feel as if I'm drifting on some current that I can't see. I don't know where I am in the stream of time or location. I just drift along, in a quarantine daze, waiting for the next bend in the river.

I've been seeing several challenges on Facebook about posting 10 selfies, 10 albums, etc. In 2015 I took up a personal challenge to blog 10 days of praise. The parameters were simple. Write a post of praise for ten days. Not a post thanking God for things. Not a post listing needs for God to answers. Just posts praising God. Here's the original post:

From Ten Days of Praise: Day 1
I bury myself in the dirt of depression, dejection, and disappointment. I do not know why or how that happens. I spend days in despair at the problems that arise with the sun. Yet, you are the resurrection, the way, the truth, and the life. I should not be buried. I'm alive because of your greatness, your grace, and your goodness.

 How can I spend day after day after day wallowing in my misery when you stand right there, with your hand extended to help me up? You, oh Lord, are the light unto my path, the lamp to my feet, and the peace that passes all understanding.

On the darkest days, you, Oh Lord, are my light to guide me through the darkest tunnels, and illuminate the deepest crevasses. You are the hope of the day and the assurance of the night. When I can walk no more, you carry me.

You are so much more than the sum of all my problems. You are worthy of all my praise.

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Today, I will add here. You are the source of all my Praise!

Join me, if you dare, in writing Praise Posts for 10 days and sharing them. During this crisis, let us lift our heart, hands, and our words to God and give Him all the praise.

How Good is Our God

Did you ever ask yourself that? Did you ever wonder for a second? Or maybe ... maybe you've looked around and said, "How good is our God!" I know I do that every day. Sometimes, when I'm in my car I talk to God and just ride along telling him how very awesome I think he is and how grateful I am for his goodness.

“The Lord is good to all, and his mercy is over all that he has made.” Psalm 145:9

I've been working on reading my Bible every morning. It is a habit I've had trouble with for years. If you're a woman and have an outside job, children, and other responsibilities it seems that there is just not enough time in a day to get everything done. Whenever I have moments I'm not working on something else I try and read. Having an app on my phone and my Kindle has made a huge difference. I still love my "real" Bible but the app can be read or listened to anywhere or anytime and I've noticed a huge increase in my reading time. But back to how good is our God.

“For the Lord is good; his steadfast love endures forever, and his faithfulness to all generations.” Psalm 100:5

His love endures forever? In a world for love comes cheap, that is an astounding claim, isn't it? Furthermore, he is faithful to ALL generations? Love and faithfulness are rare commodities in the 21st century and to find it anywhere is a treasure of immense value. He is always there, always listening, always loving. To know this is such a great comfort, particularly when I don't feel like anyone is there, listening, or loving me. When I feel my most unlovable and most lonely, he's still with me.

  The Lord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah. Psalms 46:7

How many nights have you spent in an ER with someone you loved?  Did you watch their pain and wish you could help in some way? I remember taking Sarah to the ER when she was about seven or eight and she was so sick. They had to put in an IV. As a result of countless hospitalization resulting from febrile seizures as an infant and toddler until she was 6, she has absolute terror or needles. This night, they had to threaten to strap her down to get an IV in. They brought in a huge male nurse and he sat down and talked with her so calmly. He was able to put in the IV without any problems but she was so sick and in pain and the IV was traumatic. I sat there in the dark when they left us to wait and prayed for God to touch her and help her sleep and ease her pain. I was astounded when within 5 minutes afterward, she was sleeping soundly. He does listen and is a refuge in times of stress, fear, and trouble.

Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. Jeremiah 29:12

Sometimes I just want someone to listen to me. I used to vent to my husband and he was so patient and generally just let me rant with little comment. I never realized how much I needed that in my life until it was gone. To be able to release the frustrations and stresses without judgment and criticism was a relief. There were days I'd come home from work after having dealt with a boss that enjoyed making things difficult and making us work harder rather than smarter and who refused to accept responsibility when something went wrong. I had to deal with people who called me names while telling my boss I discriminated because they were black. I'd be so angry at being unable to defend myself against false accusations and having no one to stand up for me. 

When Jerry died, there was no one to absorb the deluge. Maybe you think it was cruel but I did the same for him when he was working. Once he was gone, it took me a while to realize that God is sitting in the passenger seat listening. He's across the dinner table, listening. He's sitting on the sofa next to me, listening. I can dump all the stresses, frustrations, anger, and annoyances at his feet. He can take it. And when it is over, he wraps me in his arms and calms my spirit. I have fewer such stresses these days because I no longer deal with that situation. However, life is still stressful and frustrating, and annoying. God is still here.

“For the Lord is good; his steadfast love endures forever, and his faithfulness to all generations.” Psalm 100:5

So, just how good is our God? There is no end to his goodness. No end to his faithfulness. No end to his love. 

For the LORD is good; his mercy is everlasting; his truth endureth to all generations. Psalms 100:5

The Face in the Mirror

For years I looked in the mirror every morning and wondered who was staring at me. The face was familiar. I thought I knew it. And she had titles: Jerry's wife, Jerry's social security number (Army wife), Mike & Dave's mother, office manager, Housing Specialist, writer, sister, aunt, Jerry's widow. I'm surprised at how many of them I had and that there are more. Maybe that was why I'd always been secure and certain. I'd felt safe. I was safe. Wasn't I?

One night a storm came, and the world changed. When the sun came up everything was shaken, turned upside down, and life was frozen into glittering shards tearing me apart. There was no confidence, no courage, and no thankfulness.

The face in the mirror was tired, strained, and afraid. It was the face of a woman alone and devastated by things she never dreamed could happen to her. I didn't know her. I couldn't begin to understand her.

Sometimes, the things that happen to us seem so pointless. We're inundated by whys to the point we feel we're drowning in them. What purpose did that serve? Why did that happen? Where is God when you need him?

There are books designed to help you find answers to those kinds of questions. I've read a few of them. They don't know either. When you're searching they seem trite and a bit arrogant. What do they know? They haven't looked in my mirror.

This year some things happened that forced me to change my perspective ... and my position. The face in my mirror was showing the stress. I had to make a choice that placed me in an unfamiliar environment and I wasn't happy with it. This change had been pushing at me for at least 5 years. I always resisted. I knew me. I knew what was best for me. Didn't I?

Life got complicated. I got sicker. I had to make a decision. I cried. I moved.

There is a moment when we've actually done the right thing, made the right decision, or changed our perspective that is unlike any other experience. A clarity and a buoyancy washes over you and everything glows. Colors are vivid. The sun shines brighter, the sky is bluer, and clouds are fluffier. We even feel lighter. I suspect this is what some call a "light bulb moment".

Life has a way of twisting back on itself so that we often end where we began but in a different state. That's how I felt. I was back where I started, but this time, all alone. I looked for a term that defined this sensation and the only thing that came close was equilibrium: The condition in which all acting influences are balanced or canceled by equal opposing forces, resulting in a stable system. From: http://www.biology-online.org/dictionary/Equilibrium

We refer to this state as balance. Life is constantly seeking balance. We're constantly seeking to shift this balance because we think we know best. We push ahead, seeking our own way. Life pushes back to reestablish true equilibrium. Sometimes it pushes hard. It hurts. Things we don't like happen. We're out of balance. If we stop pushing, life will stop pushing. Balance will reassert itself. You'll feel better, maybe not well, but better. Things may even make sense or you'll feel like they do. Life will still be hard, but it will be less confusing, less frustrating, and less disappointing. And you might find peace. Not happiness, peace. They're not the same.

The face in my mirror now is older. There are these lines that were not there 7 years ago. The emotional chaos of my life has left an impact, but then, so has the weather. I never used sunblock. However, the strain has lessened. The effects of the storm are swept away, and new construction replaced the destruction. It is a smaller existence. I'm still tired, but I take naps. I'm still sick, but I'm feeling better in many ways. I'm still alone, but there are worse things. Slowly, balance is reasserting itself. I'm not exactly happy, but I'm satisfied.

I don't know how those darn mirrors survived the devastation, but they polish up well. The face that looks back at me is acceptable. Finally, I'm content with who I am and where He is leading me. I'm confident that He knows the way. And I am more than thankful.

I Am Blessed

It has been a rough month... and it is only half over. I won't go into all the things that have hit me . It would take too long and range from the physical to the emotional to the spiritual and affected several relationships. You name it, I've dealt with it in the space of the last 6 weeks.

But there is a strange thing that has happened during all of it. The same words kept coming to my mind every time I was overwhelmed by stress, distress, anxiety, frustration, and annoyance.

I am blessed. I am highly favored. God has been so good and provided for me in every way possible.

 No, he didn't heal me of the horrible pain I've been dealing with or the emotional stresses that assailed me. Yet, the feeling of being so very blessed was there, in the middle of pain, in the middle of the stress.

I hate anxiety. I hate the shortness of breath, the tightness in my chest, the creeping fear that causes the hair on my arms to stand up. I hate the sensation that something is about to pounce, something dark and scary that I can't see. It is the most horrible feeling in the world. Fear that has no direction, no limit, and no discernable source. It is the "Something is coming" feeling of every horror movie you ever saw.

But I am so blessed. God, for some unimaginable reason, smiled on me at some point.

Oh, I wish I could tell you the stories that would shock you, the ones that would make you stare open mouthed at me. I don't dare. I try and forget those. But how could all that happen to someone and they still say they are blessed.

I don't know. I really don't. I ask myself how and it makes no sense. I just know that the reality hits me in the chest at the most horrible times in my life. When I'm out of control, when I'm prostrate from grief, pain, or fear, I know if I listen carefully, shut out the chaotic sounds of my life, I can hear the words.

I am so very blessed. God is still in control.