Hosea, Can You See?

 Today I began reading Hosea. I've read the minor prophets before, and I kind of enjoy reading them. They're to the point and very clear. Not bogged down with a lot of kings and wars like the other OT books. 

Over the years, I've heard a lot of teaching on Hosea. That's likely because of the harlot wife, who may or may not have been real. In the Thompson Chain, there is a book summary before each book, and I've found that very helpful for a variety of reasons. For Hosea, there is a question of whether or not the book is allegorical or fact. I don't think it's important because the actual point of the book is how it reflects the behavior of Israel and God's judgement of them because of it. 

The book describes the nation of Israel as corrupt, a harlot who has failed to remain faithful to her husband. He points out that there is no truth, mercy, or knowledge of God left in the land. The level of sin has literally polluted the land. Because of their sin, everything in the land will waste away. He says the land will mourn and that all the animals and bird life and life in the sea will die. 

That sounded quite familiar to me. We're seeing this happen to the planet now. And from scripture, we know that the earth is suffering under man's evil. Don't think for one second you can hide your actions. The earth will testify against you. 

When I reached chapter 4 of Hosea, I had a revelation of sorts, in fact, a couple of them. In this chapter, Hosea is recounting the lack of faithfulness in the nation of Israel. He details how they have prostituted themselves with pagan gods. And that even the Hebrew priests are corrupt because of this mess. 

When the people sin, they must present offerings in repentance. These are for the priests to consume. When they commit more sins, they have to bring more offerings to the priest. The priests don't condemn them because that would stop the flow of offerings, and they wouldn't be getting rich off the sins of the nation. The priests profit from more sin.

This too sounded familiar to me. As long as you bring those offerings, you are going to be just fine. God forgives you. And He wants you to prosper. So, the more you give, the more God will bless you. 

Oh. My.

I do not believe in the prosperity doctrine. All my life I paid tithes and supported building funds and missionaries. I've never gotten rich. In fact, I've had times when I could barely pay the bills. There have been times we couldn't go to the doctor because we couldn't pay the copays. 

 Hosea was warning Israel about their lack of obedience and faithfulness to God in their daily living. That would be their downfall and bring about the destruction of the nation. They were bringing offerings to the temple, but it didn't matter. 

I believe God blesses faithfulness in our walk with him. I believe that worship and honoring God are the highest praise. Hosea was warning Israel about their lack of obedience and faithfulness to God. This was what would be their downfall and bring about the destruction of the nation: swearing, lying, murder, stealing, and committing adultery, and murdering. 

My final insight from Hosea was in 4:13. Hosea claims the people chose mountains because trees gave them shadows to sin in. I also found this suggested in other places. "Men love darkness because their deeds are evil." Darkness, in the minds of men, can hide the sins they commit. 

It's ironic because Exodus 20:21 says: "And the people stood afar off, and Moses drew near unto the thick darkness where God was."

There is no protection in the darkness. God is there, watching you. He brings light to the darkness and exposes everything.  

Where Was Job's Wife?

 I've been in a tremendous hole for nearly a month. Sometimes life overwhelms me and I have a meltdown. I've always had a habit of overthinking a problem, but Jerry was the anchor that sort of balanced me. He couldn't always fix the problem, but an anchor is really just to stabilize the boat and keep it from drifting out to sea. He kept the boat from rocking so much.

After he died, I lost all sense of stability. In fact, it felt like I was tossed into a washing machine. My tendency to over think situations escalated to the point I'd lose my self control. I had to ask people for help, something I never did in my entire life. Not ever. Yet, there I was, not able to resolve simple problems because I couldn't think clearly. I couldn't focus. The fibromyalgia brain fog added to the chaos. 

These days, I'm not as unstable as I was, but I'm never going to be who I was before Jerry died. That part of me died with him. Death of a spouse is the death of two people. One of them remains, but 50% of their personality is simply destroyed. They'll recover to some degree, but they'll never be who they were and people who know them well will see it. They won't understand, but they'll see it. I don't sing anymore. I talk too much. I avoid most social events because I don't enjoy sitting in a corner alone. I can't cope with trauma at all. I hate who this made me, what it did to my life, but I can't undo it. So it gets dark sometimes.

So, for the last several months, I've been in a dark place. I can't describe this any way other than they're cold, dark, and devastatingly lonely. One has a tendency to reach out to people. The tendency of those people you reach out to, is to push you away. Really. I mean, didn't you realize that is why people commit suicide so often? They were unseen suffers whose desperation results in people shoving them aside. The excess talking, the neediness all reflect a soul clutching for an anchor for just a few minutes. 

It's hell. Oh, not for you. For them.

When I get in these places, I do a lot of praying. I become very unsociable to protect other people from the fallout. I crawl into my hole and pull the dirt in over me. For me, this is a normal reaction. 

I've tried to overcome this the last several years. And I really wanted to go to church. I needed to go to church! So, I went despite this enveloping darkness.

 Of course, people always think you're in physical pain at these times, and because most folks are shallow, they won't delve too deep. It's easy to let them think what they think. They don't really want to hear about what is really bothering another person. They don't actually see you after the first three minutes. 

I struggled to listen to the lesson during Sunday School. I like the fella who was teaching. He's good. But I was surprised when, out of the blue, a question popped into my head. I'll take you with me for this. 

"Where was Job's wife?" 

He's not teaching about Job. 

No, but where was she?

Job's wife? Well...I guess she was home.  

Sure she was. She was nagging Job, remember?

Yeah, I remember........ wait. She's mentioned one time. I think. They say she told Job to curse God and die.

Yes. That's her. In sermons, they say all he had left was a nagging wife. In fact, she's never named. 

OK. That's harsh.

But where was she?

I don't know.

Well, where was Job?

Oh, he was sitting in an ash heap scratching his sores and moaning with his friends. 

He was. The writer gives it a less judgemental slant, of course.

Of course he does.

Let me tell you about Job's wife. You'll probably recognize her.

I....

Job's wife was in her tent. She was cleaning up the dishes, making beds, washing clothes, cooking a meal for the two of them. That's what was expected of her. Job had lost everything. But Job's wife lost everything she helped him build. She lost her babies; she lost any hope of grandchildren. In her society, this would have been a death blow to any woman. She lost crops, flocks, and children. Job's wife had nothing left, not even her husband. He's sitting in an ash heap scraping his sores and complaining to his comforters. 

The grief she felt was soul crushing and there is no evidence she had comforters, not even the man she'd given her life to, the man she'd born and reared children for, the man she cooked, cleaned, and waited on for decades. He had no time for her. He was suffering. 

"Curse God and die!" she screamed at Job.

"You speak like a foolish child!" he yelled back.

But she wasn't a fool, and she wasn't a child. She was a woman whose whole life was crushed out of existence. As a male, Job could start over. He could build again, get more crops and flocks. He could marry a younger woman and father a new family. But Job's wife... she lost everything that gave her life meaning. Her identity was stripped from her the moment those children died. And she could not start over. 

But the story says God blessed Job, and he had more than he had in the beginning. 

But where was Job's wife?

It doesn't mention her again. 

No it doesn't. 

So ... where was Job's wife?

She was burying her babies. She was cleaning up the mess, cooking the meals, serving Job's comforters wine and cheese, and burying her babies. Job's wife was grieving alone, and she was screaming to die.

Oh. Oh no. 

.............

Job's wife disappeared. There is no indication in the story that Job's wife had more children. No mention of their relationship or of her being blessed. Job was blessed. Where was Job's wife?

The writer neglected to tell us. Although, I think you and I know. You probably understand Job's wife in a way no one else can unless they've lived it.

Yes. 

Why do they do this to us? They make us invisible. It is as if we don't matter. No one sees us. No one hears us. We mustn't make anyone uncomfortable. We're not to draw attention to our pain. Never speak of it. We'll "get over it". We're fools if we don't. No wonder she screamed at him. 

You don't get over it. And you're not fools. But you're going to be all right.

Will I? It hurts. Even now. 

I know. But I see you. l hear you. And you can always talk to me. 

Surely someone reached out to Job's wife? Surely .....

Didn't they?

#ConversationsWithHim

 

Blue Sky Promises

I am so hungry.

Well, there sure is a lot of food on that table. Where do you want to start?

It isn't real.

So, what is the real problem here? You're hungry. What are you hungry for?

That's just it. I don't know. I've wracked my brain trying to figure out what is wrong and . . . it eludes me.

I've had several calls from you. 

Well, at least now I know you got them.

Now, let's not be flip.

I'm just trying to let you know how I feel.

I got that message, too.

There is this enormous gaping hole I can't fill. And it seems to grow larger every day. I think . . . I think that . . .

That?

I think I'm overreacting and no one really cares, anyway. It's been a pretty rotten day. I slept badly last night and didn't get enough sleep. I got up and had coffee and I fell asleep reading my Bible. I was so tired. I must have slept badly in the chair. A storm moved in and I woke up feeling as if a truck had hit me. I've not been well since.

...

What? No advice? Nothing?

What do you want me to say?

What do I want you to say? Really? I don't even know what I want. Do you expect me to know what you want? In fact, I think that's the problem. What exactly do you expect from me? I'm pretty much useless. I can't do anything I wanted to do. I'm so isolated that I could be on an island and no one would even know. I was in the kitchen and Sarah asked me who I was talking to! I don't even know anymore when I talk out loud to myself or am talking in my head. What do I want you to say? Well, anything would be nice. Or maybe it wouldn't. If it isn't nice, I don't think I want to know. I've had enough of the other stuff.

You're tired. 

I am more than tired. I'm wasted. Hollow. Vacant. Void. Empty. Deserted. Abandoned.

You're not deserted or abandoned. 

Look around here, please. I want to go home and it doesn't even exist anymore except in my head.

You're homesick?

... I don't know. No. It is deeper than that. I want to go back and do one thing differently so that everything will be different. I want what is lost. I want what can't ever be. I want things the way they were before they went wrong.

I see. That's a terrible place to be. An impossible place.

I want to fix all the broken things. And they're all broken. Everything is broken. Even me. And I don't think, no, I know that none of it can be fixed.

You probably ought to think about a new name for this blog. It isn't what it used to be.

Wow. Well, neither am I.

You can't go back. The road only goes forward. You can choose to sit down and stay here. But ... it is a pretty drab spot. Lots of gloomy clouds, darkness hovering just over that hill, and I can't stay here with you. If you stay, you will be alone. 

I know. There is nothing left back there. I watched it burn.

I promise you, there are green pastures ahead. Cool streams. Blue skies. You'll get thru the dark. 

Don't tell me to be patient, please.

I won't. I heard the joke.

#ConversationsWithHim








Note: the joke is "I had patients. They all died."

Booboos

I've managed to get through the holidays relatively unscathed by the darkness that has so often accompanied this time of year.

Yes, you've done well.

Truth is, I've been too sick to notice what month it was, never mind what anniversary. I was sick through Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Year. I totally forgot my wedding anniversary... even though my son got married on the same date. I didn't remember until he posted something on Facebook. And the anniversary of Jerry's death... I remembered the day after.

How did you feel about that?

Horrible. Like I'd done something wrong.

Life goes on. 

Really? Cliches?

I invented them... well, I said things that others made into cliches. 

I know I've used a bunch of them. Anyway, so, today things got dark. It sort of rolled in like a fog, I felt it approaching yesterday and today it just settled over me. I didn't want to be alone but Sarah went home for the weekend.I honestly was looking forward to some alone time.

How long did that last?

About 5 minutes. Well, actually longer but the heaviness just sat there. It is past my bedtime and I know if I go to bed I'll not rest well. I'm in pain, too, so it isn't helping. My RA meds finally wore off.

..........

What am I missing?

I don't know if you're missing anything

I'm not going to write a sigh or the mental laugh that I just had but I thought you knew everything?

What makes you think you're missing anything?

Because I don't feel like I get anything right.

You've felt better; I don't mean pain wise.

It was just a fluke.

I don't do flukes. Unless you're talking about liver flukes. I did those. 

All right. I admit. I've had a more positive attitude. I've felt like ...

Go on, say it. And don't give me that look.

I've felt like some things were ... right.

There. That didn't hurt, did it?

Actually . . .

Stop.

I feel terrible.

Had you bothered to have a conversation with me earlier, I might have been able to alleviate some of your stress. You choose to wrestle with it and have suffered because of it. You come now and expect me to kiss your wounds and make it all better. I can't. Unattended wounds tend to get infected if left untreated. You know this as well as I do. Yet, you let it fester. 

Uh. . .

I'm not done. Yes, I could just wipe it all away but if I did that every time you hurt, you'd never learn anything. You have a choice to live in a bubble or live life. The reality is that life, real life, hurts. It hurts tremendously. To have life, you must hurt. If you don't, you're not living. However, when it hurts, you have a physician who can get you through the rough spots. You'll have wounds, you'll bleed, and you'll have scars. You'll just live life through it. 

.......

I'm done now.

I guess I just forgot.

If I had a nickel....

I think I'm going to bed now. I'm sure rest will be good for me.

#ConversationsWithHim

Crucible

Courtesy Pixabay.com

I sat down to write something today that would fit in with my praise theme. I can't think of anything. The world is going through so much pain. Israel is under attack and that grieves me and people are so hateful toward Christians, who are blamed for everything that happens, but the accusers are the worst of the lot because they refuse to take responsibility for their own actions. It is a world gone mad.

We have corrupt leaders seeking to destroy the greatest country ever created, a country that up until the last 30 years has been blessed beyond measure. We've chosen to follow an evil path and watching the nation that I love, that my family has served, travel the road to destruction is a nightmare. Americans chanting for the downfall of a nation born from the desire for freedom from tyranny, forged in fires of wars fought to maintain that freedom, now led by cowards and tyrants. Has anyone stopped to think what they'll get once it is gone? It won't be freedom. It won't be a democracy. It won't be liberty and justice for all. What comes next is hell on earth and they're too blind to even see it.

I've turned a blind eye for a long time. I've given opportunities, sent messengers, averted disasters and still they rail against me and my laws. They destroy all that is holy and good in favor of perversion and evil.  They would wallow in the pig pen rather than live the palace. 

So I give them the pit. I've turned my back and they will not see my face until my return. I've closed my ears and they will not hear my voice until the day of judgment. They have broken down the barrier of protection I established and the enemy is now allowed to do as he wills. Until my time. I've withdrawn the covering and poured out the vails. The crucible has begun. 

I will still hold fast the good, Lord. I will still praise you. Keep me in the center of your will and surround me with your grace and mercy. Forgive us for all our sins. Protect your people. Preserve and protect and give peace to Israel. Surround her with a barrier of protection that can't be broken. And God have mercy on us all.


*****At times, I do not understand some of what I write on this blog. I don't plan it or write from notes. It is all spontaneous. Usually, I write with no effort and the responses to my own thoughts often surprise me. Today something is different. There is much troubling in the world that could stifle praise and thankgiving. My intention was to do as I always do but I simply couldn't find the words. This is what resulted. I do not know why, but I've always followed my gut when writing. So, for what it is worth, whether you like it or not, whether you agree or not, it is what it is.

#ConversationsWithHim

Dark Places

Lately I've been focusing heavily on getting into a more positive less negative frame of mind. For the most part, it has had only a mild effect. When you travel roads as dark and valleys as deep as I, it takes more than a ray of sunshine to brighten up your day. 

I've come a very long way into those dark lands. On few occassions I thought I'd nearly found my way out only to realize that it was just an small opening in the tangled mass of the forest through which I could see light or it was will-o-the-wisps in the swamps that surrounded me. 

I've been praying for direction and for some other issues that I can't deal with or face. I'm traveling in the dark. It is easy to get lost when you travel in such places. Often there are terrible monsters around every bend who creep along and follow you. You may not see them but you can hear them. Sometimes, they reach out and maul you, leaving you battered and bleeding.

Normally, I'd never talk about this but for a few weeks now I'm been getting mysterious messages, all containing similar directives. They all talk about this place I'm in and finding my way out. I've been praying for understanding too, because it's all just so confusing. 

Just two nights ago I listened to a sermon by T.D. Jakes about dark places and how sometimes you have to go into dark places to become who you are meant to be. It was a very revealing hour for me. So much of it made sense but don't think I had this great revelation of direction or that a star appeared in the sky pointing in the direction I am supposed to go. It did not. But at least there seemed to be a reason for being where I am... and one I could accept. 

This morning I read my devotional and I can't tell you what it was about. I prayed and I always pray on the way to work, nearly every morning. Usually it is just a prayer of thankfulness. 

As I traveled today I blurted out, "I feel as if I've wandered into this great dark cave and I've lost my way and can't find my way out. Once in awhile I think I can hear you calling me but it is so far away that I can't locate which direction it is coming from."

I am sure there was more I said but that one statment is all you need to remember. It is important. 

The day was probably one of the most hectic and totally unproductive I've ever had on my job. Most of it was doing someone else's job and leaving mine undone. At some point I realized I no longer cared. That was actually a surprising relief. 

Sometime before lunch, I sat down at my desk to read my email. I get a daily scripture via email and I always look forward to it. There are a lot of times when it is the only bright spot in the dark places. It glows briefly like a small flame of fire, not enough to really get warm by but enough to see how to travel a few more steps. So, I opened my email today and as I read the scripture something shifted in the darkness.

"Can any hide himself in secret places that I shall not see him? saith the LORD. Do not I fill heaven and earth? saith the LORD." Jeremiah 23:24.

#darkplaces
#faith
#Christian
#praise