Your Anointing Is Not for You! What?

 A while ago, last year, in fact, I listened to a video of a minister that made me think about some things differently. I took a few notes to share them in a post, but as things usually go, I turned the page and forgot about it. 

Today I flipped through my notebook and ran across my notes from that video, and I think now is as good a time as any to share it. I have to be honest here and say that this information gave me insight into some things that have troubled me a lot. 

The anointing you have is not for you. It's for others. Elijah died of sickness, but his bones still raised the dead. However, he couldn't heal himself! The devil doesn't care about you. He cares about those you will help. So stopping you prevents you from helping others. 

So, the last two statements opened up a whole avenue of revelation. Now, months later, that avenue has broadened. I don't know that it made me feel better, but it seemed to explain some things so that now I pray for an understanding of what I learned.

Looking for answers is often like beating your head against a wall. I don't know about others, but I spend a lot of time struggling with the "whys" of my journey. There are times I know things and they seem so pointless because I can't do anything useful with it. I can't use what I know in any way that produces something positive. So I pray about it and walk away. That feels like defeat. 

Then there's the writing. I write this blog because these thoughts pour out and demand to be written. I have to do something with them. The important ones won't leave me alone until they're written. I have no earthly idea if a single person reads it, needs it, or heeds it. I just pray for something good to come of it. Sometimes, I'm the one who needs it. Sometimes I read it and wonder what in the world it means. 

This post, though, this one is for my enlightenment. I needed to know this. Desperately needed to know. I'm tired of feeling like a failure, tired of wondering why my gifts don't work FOR me. It never occurred that they weren't FOR me. There are things I am called on to do that I can't, for the life of me, figure out why I have to do them. Only God and I know about it. I do them but ... they aren't my favorite things. It's exhausting, stressful, and feels risky. And yet, this is something I've had to do again and again for YEARS! Sometimes I see some positive results and others, a dismal failure. I know the failure isn't my fault. But it's still a disappointment when it happens. Each time I think this task won't happen again. I ask God, "Why do you keep sending me this? I'm no good at it!" And yet, it arrives. 

This brief message from a stranger is an explanation that fits. I'm just an instrument to perform a task. I don't benefit from it in any tangible way. Because it's not FOR ME. That's hard to grasp, hard to accept.  

Only I'm OK with it. When you can be of service, expecting nothing in return, that in itself is a gift.

Just Ask

 I'd like to sit right up there.

Where?

There, on that ledge up there, where the trees are shady and the flowers are blowing in the breeze. 

Ah. Yes, that's a nice ledge. 

I don't see a way up.

Hmm. No. You don't. 

.....

What?

It isn't very far... well it doesn't look far. Certainly not as far as that last bit. So where is the trail?

Oh. You can't get there from here.

You're kidding. Right?

No. But there is a bench right over there under that overhang you can rest on.

I see it. It's kind of hard and the top isn't smooth.

No. That's true. I suppose I should have someone fix that. 

.....

Is something wrong?

Yes! 

How can I help you?

{Harump} I'll just sit here on this patch of scrub and take a break. Please, join me.

Thank you. I will. 

At least the sky is beautiful.

As long as you look up, you'll be fine. 

Doesn't feel that way. That ledge up there... it's so pretty. Have you been there?

Of course. There is the loveliest pond there. You can stretch out on the grass and watch the fish jump. Might see a deer or two. Oh and those flowers ... they smell like heaven.

.....

I'm sorry. 

I'll just stay here for awhile. Maybe I'll figure it out. 

You might. 

......

Of course, you could just ask me to take you there.

.....

Don't look surprised. That's all you ever have to do. Just ask.

Oh, oh please. Now?

Sure. Let's just rest a bit. Stop worrying about it. I've got everything under control. 

Really?

Yes.

#Conversations With Him

Keep Digging

I've been struggling with somethings this summer, maybe for the whole year. I don't know exactly when I felt the struggle start or what trigger started it. Trigger... such a big word these days. Every time I hear it I see children with their toy cowboy cap pistols, rapid firing or fanning the hammer on them. With each click, there is a small pop and puff of smoke. I just can't get serious about such a word and I'm sure someone will be triggered by it. So be it.

My struggle is of unknown origin, start, contents, and progression. To clarify and reiterate: I have no idea what it is, when it started, how it started, what it consists of, or where I am in the progression of this situation. I just know I'm struggling with something...immovable and impassable.

My vacation in early June didn't help. It was nice but it didn't really make me feel better. My brother's death in July certainly didn't help matters, and in fact, I got worse. Having to travel to the backside of Arkansas in late July for 4 days also only added to the stress. I ended up exhausted after three months of running up and down and to and fro.

In fact, nothing I've tried has helped. It is a strange malady where I appear to be stuck in a void. I'm sorry, that's the best description I can give you. Yes, I've prayed about it. Maybe not as hard as I should have but that is part of the problem. I've actually been reading my Bible a tremendous amount this last year, thanks primarily to an app called YouVersion. It is amazing and for the first time in my life, I'll get the Bible read through in less than a year. Reading the Bible hasn't helped. I have enjoyed it immensely and find that I want to read it more often.

I've been in dark places before. I've struggled with clinical depression and had to self-treat it. I've watched my husband die while I tried to save him. It plunged me into a place as dark and as cold as the grave I put him in. I've had people I love distance themselves from me both physically and emotionally. So, I'm not unfamiliar with heartache and depression. This isn't depression. At least, not like any I've ever felt. This feels like nothing.

There is a place in the Bible, in Deut. 28:23 that says, "And thy heaven that is over thy head shall be brass, and the earth that is under thee shall be iron." While that is a fair description, it isn't quite accurate either. But it is another way of describing this place.

Today we went to church and I really enjoyed the Sunday School lesson and worship service. During worship service pastor went around and shook hands with various people. We're a growing church and I'm sure he doesn't see everyone every time. He hadn't seen me but about once in three months and I'm not sure of that. So, today he stopped and shook my hand and said, "We're praying for you."

I said, "Thank you. I need it. I've been struggling with something personal and need the prayers."

He said, "Well, why don't I just pray for you right now." And he did.

Honestly, I believe in prayer and that God touches us. I wish I could say I felt immediately better but I didn't. God doesn't always act immediately and he has good reasons. We just don't know them.

Pastor moved on and I went back to the worship service. In my case, I think God did do something, and you'll laugh when I say this, but I have no idea what it was.

The service became quite spiritually moving and everyone was praying, singing, and/or worshiping in some fashion. We're Pentecostals so you know it was loud and energetic. Physically I'm not really as able to participate as I once was but as I was standing at my seat praying, I got this image in mind that confused me.

I saw myself before a huge wall. When I say huge, it was so tall I couldn't see the top and it extended right and left beyond my sight. I was on my knees before this wall, digging. There were no doors or windows that I could see and so I was trying to dig either through it or beneath it.

That's it. I didn't understand it but in my mind, I knew that whatever this was, it was a barrier between me and whatever is on the other side. I also knew I had to keep digging. So, that's what I said. I actually prayed it as I stood there. I'll keep digging. I won't stop, no matter what. I won't give up. I'll just keep digging until I find a way through it.

And that's the end of this post. I guess you'll just have to come back to see when I find the answer.

Finding a Way Out of the Fog

I thought I'd share my latest summer vacation photos with you. If it seems a little unclear, you're experiencing exactly what I have experienced.

Isn't that just a photo of ... fog?

Yep.

So, you're saying your summer was foggy? Uhmmm, I seem to remember lots of sun and triple-digit temperatures in your location. Were you somewhere else?

Nope. Well, I visited several states in the southeast but they all look the same.

I'm not following you.

Well, the photos might have been better if you had.

Cute. Your jokes are often quite good. If inappropriate. Let's be serious, because I think you are.

I'm just tired and worn out and feel like everything is out of focus. It feels as if I should see something but this ... this fog is all I'm getting. I have another shot of my life this summer. You want to see it?

Yes?

Here ya go.

Wow.

This is a nice clear shot of everything that has happened this summer. You know, the tornado was probably a sign and I just missed it. From that point on, everything has been in disarray. Chaotic.

You've survived and made it home. 

Yes. A week later my brother didn't.

....

Still no response to that, huh?

I'm not required to answer to you for such things. You can ask all day long but there are some things you are not meant to know. 

They say we'll know someday. I don't really believe that.

Why?

Because if we aren't supposed to know it now, it will be pointless to know it then. The outcome is the same and the reasons won't be important then. I suspect we won't even care. The why of it all will be obsolete.

Obsolete?

We'll be so far removed from the events that knowing the why will cease to mean anything. It won't matter then. The value of knowledge decreases over time. It will be history. And we bury history.

So, it isn't obsolete now?

Maybe but it feels important now. Pain has a way of drawing attention to the source. Time has a way of removing urgency. You reach a point where you know that you're never going to understand and never have a definitive answer. It is what it is. I don't even know sometimes if there is a reason for anything. I think there is, but I could be wrong. So, I've learned that the only thing I can do is leave the bodies behind and keep moving in what I think is a forward direction. But it might be backward. That first photo is pretty much what the road ahead looks like, for me anyway.

Through a glass darkly.

Yeah, well, I'll ask Paul when I see him but I don't think he'll care either. What is done is done and can't be undone. Even if the glass clears, it won't change it. The Great Why is meaningless after the fact. Someone once asked me what I'd ask Jesus when I saw Him. I didn't have an answer then and I don't have one now. I can't think of anything I am dying to know. That is not an intentional pun, by the way.

I'm glad to hear it. So you have nothing you want to ask?

Not at this point. Besides, the Bible says there will be a half hour of silence first. After that, there will be a thousand years of worship. I don't see any place in there where we're allowed to ask questions. There are people who believe it is a mortal sin to question God. So if I can't do it here, why would I be able to do it there? I could ask "Why did you take my Mama? Why did you take my husband? Why did you take my brother? All died before they should have. At least, in my opinion. But the truth is, my opinion is worthless in this matter. It doesn't matter what I think or want. They are gone and nothing I can say or do will change it. And asking why in 1000 years won't change it either. I can only hope I'll be able to see them again. That's all I have. That's all I'll ever have, no matter what else happens.

So, you have hope.

I guess if you want to call it that. I have a fervent desire, an endless craving. But I must be broken because the way my brain works, that's not a comfort. The phrase "it begs the question" comes to mind. Did you put that there?

Maybe. You'll have to think about it.

You know, I love God more than anything. And when you love someone that much, their power over you is tremendous. It means that they have the ability to destroy you or create you. It means that you accept their decision regardless of what that decision is. So, asking you why would be taking that power back. I can't do that. I don't mean I haven't asked: "why." I have, but my head and my heart know you will never tell me and it is extremely painful knowledge. That alone is a kind of grief. But I'd rather throw myself onto the rock than to have it fall on me. Your sovereignty is never in question. In that, I have no doubt. I still bow to your decisions. Even when I don't like them. Even when they hurt me.

I think you'll find your way out of the fog.

I hope you're right. I can't stop and wait for it to clear.

#ConversationsWithHim

Blue Sky Promises

I am so hungry.

Well, there sure is a lot of food on that table. Where do you want to start?

It isn't real.

So, what is the real problem here? You're hungry. What are you hungry for?

That's just it. I don't know. I've wracked my brain trying to figure out what is wrong and . . . it eludes me.

I've had several calls from you. 

Well, at least now I know you got them.

Now, let's not be flip.

I'm just trying to let you know how I feel.

I got that message, too.

There is this enormous gaping hole I can't fill. And it seems to grow larger every day. I think . . . I think that . . .

That?

I think I'm overreacting and no one really cares, anyway. It's been a pretty rotten day. I slept badly last night and didn't get enough sleep. I got up and had coffee and I fell asleep reading my Bible. I was so tired. I must have slept badly in the chair. A storm moved in and I woke up feeling as if a truck had hit me. I've not been well since.

...

What? No advice? Nothing?

What do you want me to say?

What do I want you to say? Really? I don't even know what I want. Do you expect me to know what you want? In fact, I think that's the problem. What exactly do you expect from me? I'm pretty much useless. I can't do anything I wanted to do. I'm so isolated that I could be on an island and no one would even know. I was in the kitchen and Sarah asked me who I was talking to! I don't even know anymore when I talk out loud to myself or am talking in my head. What do I want you to say? Well, anything would be nice. Or maybe it wouldn't. If it isn't nice, I don't think I want to know. I've had enough of the other stuff.

You're tired. 

I am more than tired. I'm wasted. Hollow. Vacant. Void. Empty. Deserted. Abandoned.

You're not deserted or abandoned. 

Look around here, please. I want to go home and it doesn't even exist anymore except in my head.

You're homesick?

... I don't know. No. It is deeper than that. I want to go back and do one thing differently so that everything will be different. I want what is lost. I want what can't ever be. I want things the way they were before they went wrong.

I see. That's a terrible place to be. An impossible place.

I want to fix all the broken things. And they're all broken. Everything is broken. Even me. And I don't think, no, I know that none of it can be fixed.

You probably ought to think about a new name for this blog. It isn't what it used to be.

Wow. Well, neither am I.

You can't go back. The road only goes forward. You can choose to sit down and stay here. But ... it is a pretty drab spot. Lots of gloomy clouds, darkness hovering just over that hill, and I can't stay here with you. If you stay, you will be alone. 

I know. There is nothing left back there. I watched it burn.

I promise you, there are green pastures ahead. Cool streams. Blue skies. You'll get thru the dark. 

Don't tell me to be patient, please.

I won't. I heard the joke.

#ConversationsWithHim








Note: the joke is "I had patients. They all died."

Sorting

Wasn't sure you'd show up.

I always do, eventually. 

Been a strange day for me and I don't really understand it. I'm not sure what I'm feeling or even thinking.

Is there a problem bothering you?

Ha, ha, ha! There's always a problem bothering me.

All right. Let me have it.

That's funny. You know, I'd never have guessed you had such a great sense of humor.

Why not?

Oh, I don't know. Might have been the flood or turning people into salt shakers. Kind of lost me on the humor there.

Actually, it was a block of salt and ... well, only one person. She was warned, too.

Oh, yeah. Have to admit the bears eating the kids was kind of funny.

Riiiigghhtt. But you're serious about a problem, right?

Oh, I think it is just the same old thing. Some of it is really stupid stuff. I don't actually want to put on the blog.

Well, I'm surprised at some of the stuff you already put on here.

Uh... is that a joke?

No. 

Oh. OK. I'm just confused on some things and I don't actually know how to clear it up. And yes, I've already been reading the Bible. A lot, actually. It hasn't helped.

Hmmm.

Sister Fletcher, you remember her, she once told me not to try and figure out things but just keep reading and eventually, it would come to me when I needed it.

I suspect she was right. You've had that experience before.

Yeah, but seems like I've become more confused rather than less.

Or maybe you're just impatient. 

{sigh}

Sorry. 

It doesn't matter. I don't even know why I'm writing this. It isn't helping at all. Some of what I intended to address I can't remember now. Waited too long. Probably won't publish this tonight.

Sleep on it. 

**********

I did. Sometimes even sleep won't fix things. I wrote this a couple of weeks ago and things haven't really changed much. I still don't know what is going on but I've simply put it down and left it there. Whatever is bugging me will work itself out.

That or I'll go nuts.

Sometimes you just have to leave the problem to fend for itself. You can't really run away from your problems but you can deliver them to God and let him deal with them.

Yeah, easier said than done. You're talking to the perfectionist fanatic who can't let go of anything. I've got to fix it. I've got to manage it. I've got to take care of... Yeah, that's me. And it leads to the conversations you see above. I'm trying to put things down more. It isn't easy and it is so easy to slip back and pick it up again.

I had a conversation last night. I won't recount it all here but I remember saying that I'm at the end of my rope. There is enough on my plate to feed a small third world country. Probably two of them. What do I have to worry about? I've got food to eat, a warm, dry place to sleep, amenities to make my life so much easier than that third world country. My problems probably wouldn't seem very serious to someone over there. They probably aren't really important to you, either.

I remember a preacher named R. W. Schambach that always said, "You don't have any trouble. All you need is faith in God." I used to listen to him on the radio way back. I discovered his broadcast at a time in my life that I needed spiritual nurturing. I always wanted to think that way but it is pretty hard in the middle of trouble. If I think real hard, I know that I don't have any trouble. I have thorns in the flesh that irritate me but I think I did learn that if I can just let it alone it will heal itself.

Not every problem will fix itself, though. Your problems are probably really bad. I don't have a clue what you're dealing with at all. The children are a problem, the husband's a problem, the neighbors are a problem, your sister-in-law is a problem. Even your sister's husband's uncle's daughter is a problem.

Yeah, I've had those, too. The kids, husband, neighbors, family members have all been a chore to deal with at one time or another. In my family, crazy relatives are our only source of entertainment. And grief. I found if I just let it alone, most of the time, God will handle it.

I wonder sometimes what people are thinking when they do certain things. I wonder sometimes what I was thinking. Most of the crazy things I've done I've kept to myself but I have this overwhelming sense of guilt that constantly eats at me so I don't forget. I don't have any idea how many times I've told God how embarrassed I am about some things only he knows about. But there it is.

There are things I'm trying to stop doing. No, I'm not drinking or smoking or partying. I'm pretty boring. There are just some things that I want to eliminate in my thinking. See, I know how to live for God but there's a lot more to it than what you do. There are all these things in my head that I have to deal with and a there's a lot I'd like to clear out. I've reached a point where I've decided to stop asking for some things and stop entertaining certain things in my thoughts. Truthfully, they aren't things a single person would think anything about. They're just things I think.

I have no point to this post but maybe someone will get something out of it. It is mostly trying to sort it all out. I don't think I have yet. Maybe I won't ever.

#ConversationsWithHim

Just Me

Things have not gone exactly as planned.

I see. Whose plans?

Well. . . I expected the surgery to fix my problem. That was the plan I had in mind.

They told you that might not happen.

They did. I thought you'd be involved in this, too.

I was there.

I know. I was never afraid at all and I expected to be a little nervous. I wasn't. I was talking about afterward.

You're disappointed.

Ya think? I still have an arm that is dipped in boiling water most of the day. When it isn't, it is simmering. So, disappointed is an understatement.

.....

I watched a video of a girl being healed yesterday. It was amazing. Awe inspiring, even.

......

I don't think I know what faith is and that's distressing Is it belief you will or belief you can? Because I know nothing is impossible for you. I also know you don't do everything you're asked. So believing you will doesn't make it so. Believing you can if you choose... well that's different. I think it is your choice. If you don't want to do something, no matter how much I believe you will won't change that.

How does that make you feel?

Sad. Disappointed. Frustrated. Confused. Because I don't understand which it is and it makes it impossible to know what to do.

.....

I'm being truthful, here.

I know.

I hate when they quote that scripture about faith being the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen. I have no idea what that means. I've researched it and I don't think anyone else does either.

That could be true.

This isn't helping me.

Oh, I think it probably is. You usually come up with something.

Not today. Today is dark, wet, cold. Without faith it is impossible to please God.

You've had answers to prayers. You believe.

......

Just not always the answers to the prayers that mean the most to you. 

Things that involve me. I prayed for Sarah a few days ago for some severe jaw pain she was having and she came running down the hall five minutes later, wrapped in a towel saying, "My jaw doesn't hurt anymore!" That meant something to me. I've prayed for myself.... Repeatedly. Without the same results and I'm kind of tired.

Everyone has that feeling at one time or another. When the journey gets rough, find a place to rest.

Rest! That's a whole 'nother blog post.

You trusted me in the surgery, when they took knives to your spine. Why is it you don't trust me in this moment.

I don't know. I don't think it is a trust issue.

Then what is it?

Just me.



#ConversationsWithHim