My struggle is of unknown origin, start, contents, and progression. To clarify and reiterate: I have no idea what it is, when it started, how it started, what it consists of, or where I am in the progression of this situation. I just know I'm struggling with something...immovable and impassable.
My vacation in early June didn't help. It was nice but it didn't really make me feel better. My brother's death in July certainly didn't help matters, and in fact, I got worse. Having to travel to the backside of Arkansas in late July for 4 days also only added to the stress. I ended up exhausted after three months of running up and down and to and fro.
In fact, nothing I've tried has helped. It is a strange malady where I appear to be stuck in a void. I'm sorry, that's the best description I can give you. Yes, I've prayed about it. Maybe not as hard as I should have but that is part of the problem. I've actually been reading my Bible a tremendous amount this last year, thanks primarily to an app called YouVersion. It is amazing and for the first time in my life, I'll get the Bible read through in less than a year. Reading the Bible hasn't helped. I have enjoyed it immensely and find that I want to read it more often.
I've been in dark places before. I've struggled with clinical depression and had to self-treat it. I've watched my husband die while I tried to save him. It plunged me into a place as dark and as cold as the grave I put him in. I've had people I love distance themselves from me both physically and emotionally. So, I'm not unfamiliar with heartache and depression. This isn't depression. At least, not like any I've ever felt. This feels like nothing.
There is a place in the Bible, in Deut. 28:23 that says, "And thy heaven that is over thy head shall be brass, and the earth that is under thee shall be iron." While that is a fair description, it isn't quite accurate either. But it is another way of describing this place.
Today we went to church and I really enjoyed the Sunday School lesson and worship service. During worship service pastor went around and shook hands with various people. We're a growing church and I'm sure he doesn't see everyone every time. He hadn't seen me but about once in three months and I'm not sure of that. So, today he stopped and shook my hand and said, "We're praying for you."
I said, "Thank you. I need it. I've been struggling with something personal and need the prayers."
He said, "Well, why don't I just pray for you right now." And he did.
Honestly, I believe in prayer and that God touches us. I wish I could say I felt immediately better but I didn't. God doesn't always act immediately and he has good reasons. We just don't know them.
Pastor moved on and I went back to the worship service. In my case, I think God did do something, and you'll laugh when I say this, but I have no idea what it was.
The service became quite spiritually moving and everyone was praying, singing, and/or worshiping in some fashion. We're Pentecostals so you know it was loud and energetic. Physically I'm not really as able to participate as I once was but as I was standing at my seat praying, I got this image in mind that confused me.
I saw myself before a huge wall. When I say huge, it was so tall I couldn't see the top and it extended right and left beyond my sight. I was on my knees before this wall, digging. There were no doors or windows that I could see and so I was trying to dig either through it or beneath it.
That's it. I didn't understand it but in my mind, I knew that whatever this was, it was a barrier between me and whatever is on the other side. I also knew I had to keep digging. So, that's what I said. I actually prayed it as I stood there. I'll keep digging. I won't stop, no matter what. I won't give up. I'll just keep digging until I find a way through it.
And that's the end of this post. I guess you'll just have to come back to see when I find the answer.
God bless and keep you. Always.
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