Leaving the Graveyard

Summer is almost over and it has not been fun for me. Last summer was a disaster as well. I am praying that on September 22, 2018, the first day of Fall,  my world will right itself and begin to proceed normally. Well, whatever is normal for me.

When my brother died last month I was overwhelmed when I got home for about two weeks. I was forced by circumstances to relive some things I thought I'd put behind me. My husband died a violent death in 2009. His heart attack was not what you see on television. I can't tell you about it even now because reliving it sends me into a terrible state. I have to take a deep breath and move on but I know it is there, almost beyond my awareness. One hopes that someday, I'll be unaware of it but you don't really forget such things. I've learned with each death since that I am going to have to deal with the horrible memories of Jerry's every time. 

The Lord is truly merciful and I'm so thankful He's patient with me about things. I am not. I get so annoyed by things people say. Someone said, "Oh you never get over it. Your life will never be the same." No. It won't. But it will go on. They're no longer a part of it and you are a different person. You don't stop living because they're gone. For a while, you want to but that part goes away. God has blessed us with a powerful will to live. I miss Jerry so terribly some days it is a physical ache. There are times I try and remember what it felt like to hold his hand and feel his arms around me. I can't. Those times pass eventually and I have to move on.

Our own mortality is brought to our awareness when someone dies. We're made to realize that we are running out of time, as well. How can I make the most of my time? That's what I keep asking. I've had a roller coaster of a life. Did I mention I hate roller coasters? Yeah. But life, that's amazing. Pain, heartache, love, excitement, adventures, discoveries, and fear. Lots of fear. Fear of failure, of hurting, of losing, of meaninglessness, of dying. All of that is part of living. We all experience it in random order. I suspect life is what was in the box Pandora opened.

Would I change some things? Oh, you better believe it. But would I really? If I change a path I took as a child, I might have missed knowing someone that made an impact on my life. If I had not gone to the Christmas parade in 1973, I would never have met my husband, had my children, and would never have had a granddaughter named Sarah Cheyenne who brings light to my dark days. If. So many choices but would I change any of them? 

I've thought about this a lot. Would I remove one person, one event, one item from my life?  No. Each thing I try to imagine removing shows me this string of things that would be impacted by that change and at some point, I know. By changing one thing, something important in my life may have been missed. If my mother had not had me, what would have happened? I would not have been blessed with this amazingly, wonderfully, painful life. My favorite movie is "Its a Wonderful Life". It always makes me so very thankful for my life. God has so blessed me with a tremendous and exciting life. 

I make a point to not dwell long on death. I give myself a moment to grieve but I know now that to stay too long in that place, well, Jesus delivered the man living in the graveyard for a reason. I don't think that is a place He wants me to stay for very long. I have realized that, as hard as it seems at times, He wants me to live and make the very best of the time He's given me. "Let the dead bury the dead." 

I'm supposed to live. I'm supposed to make the best of my life. Sometimes it is hard. Lately, I've been struggling with that, trying to figure out what I'm doing. I know some of this is the result of my brother's death. I've hit a wall that I don't understand. I keep pounding on it. 

Sometimes I get lonely and miss Jerry so much. Eventually, I'll sit up, wash my face, and do the laundry. Life, my life goes on. You don't get over the loss of a loved one. You heal. You may carry scars the rest of your life, but you heal. Living is a choice, sometimes a painful one. It takes courage to live. I've learned I'm a lot braver than I thought. 

Recently, I found a new favorite verse. I highlighted it in my Bible. I need to put in on a poster and hang it where I see it every day. 

Micah 7:8 says, "Rejoice not against me, O mine enemy: when I fall, I shall arise; when I sit in darkness, the Lord shall be a light unto me." 

For today, I'll leave the graveyard. There may be some painful days ahead, but hey, that's life. Today, "I shall not die, but live, and declare the works of the Lord." Ps. 118:17