Locked Doors

Today I've started seeing more photos of those dying from the virus. When I see those, it becomes very scary. I'm still a bit younger, but not that much. And then I see younger folks who have recovered talking about how bad it is. There is no good news, is there?

The fear of man bringeth a snare: but whoso putteth his trust in the Lord shall be safe. Proverbs 29:25.

Oh, well, you know what I mean.

No good news regarding the virus. That's true. 

Can't you please stop this?

No one wants my help. The world has spent decades attempting to eradicate my existence. I am banished from the planet by the inhabitants. I do not go where I am not invited. 

Me either. Not all of us feel that way.

No, but majority rules apply in your world. Until that world sincerely wants a Savior, I can't act. If you call for help and then bolt the doors and windows, it is unlikely you will receive help.

It's sounds horrible.

I gave man free will. That comes with responsibility and consequences. I did not create sin, sickness, or death. They are the inventions of man. Yet, I did send help. Man killed and buried that help and has attempted to bury every mention and destroy every representative. It doesn't get much clearer than that. 

Humanity did not and never has wanted my help. They are at the mercy of their own actions. Those who have chosen to follow me are few. But remember this, I've never ignored a sincere call from my people. 

I know this. And I know that just because we ask, doesn't mean this virus will disappear.

The laws of nature are cruel but irrevocable. The world is out of balance. And the consequences are inevitable.

Be merciful, Lord.

If I were not, the world would have ended many times over. 

#ConversationsWithHim

Leaving the Graveyard

Summer is almost over and it has not been fun for me. Last summer was a disaster as well. I am praying that on September 22, 2018, the first day of Fall,  my world will right itself and begin to proceed normally. Well, whatever is normal for me.

When my brother died last month I was overwhelmed when I got home for about two weeks. I was forced by circumstances to relive some things I thought I'd put behind me. My husband died a violent death in 2009. His heart attack was not what you see on television. I can't tell you about it even now because reliving it sends me into a terrible state. I have to take a deep breath and move on but I know it is there, almost beyond my awareness. One hopes that someday, I'll be unaware of it but you don't really forget such things. I've learned with each death since that I am going to have to deal with the horrible memories of Jerry's every time. 

The Lord is truly merciful and I'm so thankful He's patient with me about things. I am not. I get so annoyed by things people say. Someone said, "Oh you never get over it. Your life will never be the same." No. It won't. But it will go on. They're no longer a part of it and you are a different person. You don't stop living because they're gone. For a while, you want to but that part goes away. God has blessed us with a powerful will to live. I miss Jerry so terribly some days it is a physical ache. There are times I try and remember what it felt like to hold his hand and feel his arms around me. I can't. Those times pass eventually and I have to move on.

Our own mortality is brought to our awareness when someone dies. We're made to realize that we are running out of time, as well. How can I make the most of my time? That's what I keep asking. I've had a roller coaster of a life. Did I mention I hate roller coasters? Yeah. But life, that's amazing. Pain, heartache, love, excitement, adventures, discoveries, and fear. Lots of fear. Fear of failure, of hurting, of losing, of meaninglessness, of dying. All of that is part of living. We all experience it in random order. I suspect life is what was in the box Pandora opened.

Would I change some things? Oh, you better believe it. But would I really? If I change a path I took as a child, I might have missed knowing someone that made an impact on my life. If I had not gone to the Christmas parade in 1973, I would never have met my husband, had my children, and would never have had a granddaughter named Sarah Cheyenne who brings light to my dark days. If. So many choices but would I change any of them? 

I've thought about this a lot. Would I remove one person, one event, one item from my life?  No. Each thing I try to imagine removing shows me this string of things that would be impacted by that change and at some point, I know. By changing one thing, something important in my life may have been missed. If my mother had not had me, what would have happened? I would not have been blessed with this amazingly, wonderfully, painful life. My favorite movie is "Its a Wonderful Life". It always makes me so very thankful for my life. God has so blessed me with a tremendous and exciting life. 

I make a point to not dwell long on death. I give myself a moment to grieve but I know now that to stay too long in that place, well, Jesus delivered the man living in the graveyard for a reason. I don't think that is a place He wants me to stay for very long. I have realized that, as hard as it seems at times, He wants me to live and make the very best of the time He's given me. "Let the dead bury the dead." 

I'm supposed to live. I'm supposed to make the best of my life. Sometimes it is hard. Lately, I've been struggling with that, trying to figure out what I'm doing. I know some of this is the result of my brother's death. I've hit a wall that I don't understand. I keep pounding on it. 

Sometimes I get lonely and miss Jerry so much. Eventually, I'll sit up, wash my face, and do the laundry. Life, my life goes on. You don't get over the loss of a loved one. You heal. You may carry scars the rest of your life, but you heal. Living is a choice, sometimes a painful one. It takes courage to live. I've learned I'm a lot braver than I thought. 

Recently, I found a new favorite verse. I highlighted it in my Bible. I need to put in on a poster and hang it where I see it every day. 

Micah 7:8 says, "Rejoice not against me, O mine enemy: when I fall, I shall arise; when I sit in darkness, the Lord shall be a light unto me." 

For today, I'll leave the graveyard. There may be some painful days ahead, but hey, that's life. Today, "I shall not die, but live, and declare the works of the Lord." Ps. 118:17

The Devil in the Dark

How am I supposed to be thankful today? How can I be glad when death can enter the room anytime he wants and take what is not his. Wherever you are, whatever you're doing, whoever you're with, he can simply walk up and crook his finger and destroy everything.

.......

What? No answer? No response? Nothing to say?

......

Why would you create such a creature? A dark, loathsome thing that has no dignity or manners.

He has barged into my life three times and wrecked it. For what? What did it accomplish? I'm not a better person. I'm worse than I was the day before. I'm broken. Irreparably damaged because pieces of me are missing. I can't ever be put back together. I'm walking wounded, bleeding internally.

Did I say it was a terrible day? The sun shines and the birds sing, and the boiling cauldron we've been in has simmered down a bit. But the shadow cast by that beast does not retreat. No, he leaves his stench everywhere. Sachets of it that burst open as they rot and envelope you in a stinking cloying cloud when you least expect it that chokes you, burns your eyes, and wrings your insides until you want to scream. To what end?

And he cares not who he strikes. Tiny babies and old men. Young men and old women. Beautiful girls and ugly crones. It doesn't matter. I often wonder if the destruction he leaves in his wake gives him pleasure.

Despite what Touched by an Angel would have you believe, death is not an attractive man in a lovely suit holding your hand while you die. He isn't kind, loving, or gracious. He's the uninvited guest at the table. The stalker peering through the windows or around the corner. He's the unconcerned onlooker who watches you as you drown but never moves to rescue you.

Death is not a gentleman. He is the Devil in the dark.

And you created him. Through Him, all things were made, and without Him, nothing was made that has been made. 

There is no comfort for the lives he destroys. Time doesn't heal these wounds. We struggle to keep them covered until the next attack.


Note:
(This blog is, and has always been, my conversations with God. Sometimes they're direct talks, meaning, I am actually talking and leaving a response to my comments that I feel inspired to leave. You can believe they're my own comments if you like. Other times, I simply write about what is in my heart. Today, my heart is wounded and hurting.

My belief is that God always understands where we are coming from. He isn't confused. We might be confused, but He isn't. And when I need to tell him how bad my situation is, He is not intimidated by my anger, frustration, and pain. So, if this post offended you, I'm sorry you're offended. You can talk to Him if you'd like but don't pray for me if you are offended. You aren't serving the same loving, understanding, and patient God that I am. I don't need prayers to strange gods on my behalf.)