A few weeks ago, I appeared to be in the middle of a crisis. I didn’t know what was wrong with me, but a terrible depression enveloped me like locusts. Despite sleeping for 10 hours a day, I was exhausted and couldn’t think well. I woke up tired and went to bed tired. Naps lasted 2 to 4 hours, and I still went to bed tired. Keeping my laundry clean and changing the sheets became insurmountable efforts. Becca came and helped clean the cat boxes and floors. I don’t know what I’d do without her sometimes. An ex-daughter-in-law who does things like that for you is a rare treasure. She owes me nothing, yet she helps when needed.
There were a lot of things going on in my life at the time and since Jerry died, I don’t cope well. I’m sorry if you think you get over it, but the trauma of seeing someone die the way he did doesn’t go away… ever. Stresses, of any sort, just about slay me. Believe me when I say that is not who I was prior to January 2009.
However, I suspected the problem had a physical source. The spiritual realm saw it as an opportunity to jump on me with both metaphysical feet. When this happens, it is nightmarish. It is a dark, lonely road and I am alone. No, really. Alone.
Yes, I prayed. I had long, rambling conversations with God about all my troubles. I ranted. He listened. I read my Bible, looking for answers. Found nothing helpful. I asked questions he didn’t answer. I cried and cried and cried. For days, I’d find myself just torn in pieces.
Despite what they tell you, you do not find solutions to every problem in the Bible. I’m sorry to disillusion anyone. They’re not all there. What you find are ways to cope with the unanswerable questions. You find direction in how to navigate a world where some problems aren’t ever solved and never will be solved.
One evening, I addressed the subject of faith. Sometimes I feel stupid talking to someone who isn’t visible. I only do that at home… usually. I have done it in my car and once a passenger asked me about it.
Anyway, I reached a place where I was so frustrated. I said, “I don’t even know what faith is! I can’t say that to anyone because they’d quote Hebrews 1:11 ‘Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.’”
“What does that even mean? It makes no sense and is confusing. There is no substance of something you hope for. They don’t exist except in the mind! Something not seen has no form.”
I’m sure I didn’t word it exactly that way, but that was the basic content of my rant. Hear me, God doesn’t mind your rants. God understands them. Jesus ranted in the temple. He used a whip on them. So, he gets rants. Believe it or not, he responds to them nicely. He remains silent and lets you get it out of your system.
My only option at this point was to open my Bible and show him what I was talking about. (Cause he must not have read that verse, of course.) I explained I didn’t know what it was and didn’t understand it and that I must be a terrible person and going to hell because maybe I didn’t have any faith at all and without faith it is impossible to please Him……….
I can’t say how long my rant lasted. I was hurting, so it probably wasn't long. My heart hurt and I had a weary mind and a troubled soul. My body was feeling the effects of those locust feet. Still crying, I decided the best I could do was just go to bed.
I’ve started reading a section of Psalms over the last few months. Prayer in dark places is difficult, and I found it impossible to find words to pray that didn’t sound self serving and repetitive to me. David did a better job of praying than I could ever hope to emulate. I dried my tears and read.
The passage I read was Psalms 119:33-50. You should read it.
33. HE. Teach me, O LORD, the way of thy statutes; and I shall keep it unto the end.
34. Give me understanding, and I shall keep thy law; yea, I shall observe it with my whole heart.
35. Make me to go in the path of thy commandments; for therein do I delight.
36. Incline my heart unto thy testimonies, and not to covetousness.
37. Turn away mine eyes from beholding vanity; and quicken thou me in thy way.
38. Stablish thy word unto thy servant, who is devoted to thy fear.
39. Turn away my reproach which I fear: for thy judgments are good.
40. Behold, I have longed after thy precepts: quicken me in thy righteousness.
41. VAU. Let thy mercies come also unto me, O LORD, even thy salvation, according to thy word.
42. So shall I have wherewith to answer him that reproacheth me: for I trust in thy word.
43. And take not the word of truth utterly out of my mouth; for I have hoped in thy judgments.
44. So shall I keep thy law continually for ever and ever.
45. And I will walk at liberty: for I seek thy precepts.
46. I will speak of thy testimonies also before kings, and will not be ashamed.
47. And I will delight myself in thy commandments, which I have loved.
48. My hands also will I lift up unto thy commandments, which I have loved; and I will meditate in thy statutes.
49. ZAIN. Remember the word unto thy servant, upon which thou hast caused me to hope.
50. This is my comfort in my affliction: for thy word hath quickened me.
There are following parts of of Psalms 119 I also read sometimes, but this is basically my bedtime prayer. And this night I read this section. And was smacked between the eyes.
“Remember the word unto thy servant, upon which thou hast caused me to hope.”
I stumbled over that and cried again. I looked further back into the passage. “... for I trust in thy word”
Remember the word to your servant, which you caused me to hope in and in which I trust.
Faith. Faith is the substance of things hoped for. Remember your word that caused me to hope. I trust your Word. This is my comfort in my affliction! You gave me your word, made me hope in your word. And I trust your Word.
I don't believe I need to say anything else. You get it.
