Higher Ground

Can we rest here?

Of course.

The ledge is awfully narrow. 

We have plenty of room. How about scooting over a bit?

…..

Well. I’m sitting close, really close to the edge.

Seriously? You’re worried about falling?

Well, if I fall, I won’t be here with you, and it might take a while for me to return. 

Wow. For a minute, I thought you were worried about breaking something.

Ah, that’s better. Now, what did you say? Oh, nonsense. 

It’s a long way up there, but I see another ledge not too far away. I think it is larger than this one.

It is. 

How do you know?

I’ve traveled this way before. There’s a lovely stretch of grass and a spring coming out of the side of the mountain. Last time I was here, my companion hewed a stone bed in the rock.  

Oh. They might not like us messing with their place.

They’re no longer there.

Guess they finished the climb.

No. They didn’t go any farther. 

Oh. 

….

So, are we going farther?

That’s up to you. Do you think you can?

Well…. It is pretty high.

…..

But I so want to get higher. Imagine the view from up there must be amazing. 

You can almost see forever.

Okay, let’s do it. I’m ready.

/*\
/**\
/****\
/*****\

Wow! You weren’t kidding. This place is wonderful. The grass is like a carpet. And the water is so crisp and cold. Oh, is that the bed?

Yes.

Doesn’t look comfortable to me.

It wasn’t.

Then why stay? I mean, it’s beautiful, with a magnificent view. And there’s plenty to drink. But…

Yes?

There’s nothing to eat. I suspect…

Yes?

Well, isn’t there more room at the top?

Definitely.

I don’t understand why you’d settle for this when there’s something better waiting up there.

That’s a fair question.

…..

…..

And what’s the answer?

I don’t know, but many have made that decision.

I want to go higher. As high as I can. 

It’s a hard journey.

Harder than it’s already been?

Much. In some places there are no ledges, nothing but handholds. You’ll need to be strong. 

Oh. 

….

I … 

I’ll be with you. I can give you a leg up when you need it or a hand to pull you up. But it is hard. You’ll get tired.

But you’ll be with me. 

Of course. I’ll be bringing lunch.

So, when can we start?

If you’re ready, we can start now. 

Yeah, let’s do that. What's for lunch?

#ConversationsWithHim

Life is So Horribly Painful

 Life is so very painful. No, really, it is horribly painful. Oh, if you’re happy and enjoying things, you don’t notice it. But stop for a minute and think about it. 

From the moment you’re born, you feel the pain that life is going to be. For 9 months, you’re cradled in a warm soft environment that provides for every need. No worries, probably very little actual pain because of Mother's system protecting you. Certainly no grief. 

Then you’re forced through a narrow canal. The bones in your head are constructed so they compress and overlap to allow you to slip through more easily. Yet, you enter the world screaming from that pain and the shock of cold air and the tugging of rubber coated hands and glaring bright lights. Your mother is probably making a similar noise, because giving birth is horribly painful...unless they drug Mama up. 

The first few years you’re coddled but constantly having to beg for food and warmth, and a dry bottom, and shots, and to be held and cuddled. If you get sick, you can’t tell anyone and cry to get the message out, but it takes so much effort you get exhausted. You hurt.

Once you’re on your feet, you stumble and bump every protrusion on your body. You get sick and no one can understand you, so you cry. When you get hurt, you cry. You hurt physically and in your tiny heart. You weep from it. 

Finally, you can make yourself understood! But now they don’t understand you! They won’t let you do things. Sometimes you do them and get hurt and they yell at you, even though you’re sobbing and in pain. You hurt all over, even your brain, because you can’t understand why it has to be so painful. And your heart because they wound you with words.

Teenagers. Ugh. Whoever invented the teen years was just cruel, right? Broken bones, broken hearts, broken egos, broken dreams, broken minds. Everything breaks. And no one understands you! You’re in pain, terrible pain. And no one gets it. They yell more and it hurts more. And you hate everyone and it hurts so terribly you want to die. And sometimes you do.

Adulthood. If you survived this long, it is bound to get better, right? No. Life is horribly painful. 

Now, you’ll deal with broken people. You have miserable jobs or lost jobs. There are bills, lots of bills. There are medical issues. You have wrecked hearts, wrecked dreams, wrecked egos, wrecked minds. Then your car gets wrecked. You get hurt and you weep, but no one understands. You hurt.

Life continues to deal out things that break you. Marriages break. Your children break. Spouses die, children die. Grief slays you for years. Life becomes a horrible nightmare where you’re watching every precious thing put in a hole in the ground. You are not hurting. You’re in agony. 

Life hurts. It hurts so horribly that it is a miracle when we survive it. If we survive it with a smile, it is the greatest miracle of all. 

But we don’t notice all of that. We live in the miraculous. We see the beauty of the screaming baby and forget the raging pain it took to bring it into the world. Mother cradles that tiny bundle and speaks to it. The crying stops, the eyes open, and it stills to listen to the most beautiful sound it will ever hear in its life. Pain is gone, forgotten with that sound. 

With every broken moment, there is a miracle following that erases the memory of pain. We forget the pain, though some pain may linger for many years. It is the miraculous moments that keep us from cracking up. The miraculous mends our hearts, mends our minds, and mends our souls. 

There are times pain is so bad we will always remember it. Death doesn’t just hurt, it leaves an indelible mark. You don’t get over death. But for most of life’s pain, we will never remember what we experienced when it happened. We remember the essence of it, our reactions to it. We can describe how we felt, but we don’t feel it. For grief, this happens in time. It is probably the most devastating pain in existence because you don't get over losing half of yourself.

However, you never forget the miraculous. We never forget the moment we held that baby and heard it cry. In 70 years, it will still bring tears to our eyes, a smile to our face, and joy to our hearts. A miraculous event will temper every painful event we experience in our life. 

We never forget the day we met the person we fell in love with, married, and lost. Never. Yet, when our child marries, we forget the awful teen years and pray for a long and happy life. The kind of life that in that moment, we have lived. Because we forget the horrible pain of life. For a moment.

I have survived on the miraculous because to do otherwise would destroy me. The prophet Jeremiah said, It is of the LORD'S mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness. The LORD is my portion, saith my soul; therefore, will I hope in him. Lamentations 3:22-24.

Life starts over every morning. New pains and we may carry the pain of yesterday with us but the miraculous of today is waiting to help us forget the pain of yesterday. It isn’t always evident until it’s over, but when you see it, hang on tightly. It is there. 

Because He is faithful. 

What I Saw at UPS

Did you know UPS has a mail slot in the lobby that says “For delivery to the post office”? It does! I was so shocked and amused. I had a return to drop off there, and the line was long. As with all lines, they’re boring and you tend to read things on the walls. 

A package delivery service will deliver your mail to the post office free, who will then deliver it to whomever you addressed it. You won’t ever know that it went through an extra set of hands before heading to you. Gives you a whole new perception about how the Corona virus got around so well. 

And yes, I used ‘whomever’ correctly. 

I think God is like that sometimes, too. He sends something through someone who delivers it to someone else, and then they send it to us. 

Now, imagine if you will, the Devil doing the same thing. He passes something on to someone. They pass it on to someone else, worse than they are, and that person hands it off to another person. At each stop, it leaves some or picks up a bit of ‘bacteria’ or some corrupting element. Or… well, you’ve got the idea by now. We never know where it was, what they did to it, nor who touched the item. We don’t know what sanitation was like nor what may lurk on the outside. 

Yuck. 

I’m a staunch believer that we can pass spirits around via things, thoughts, and actions. I’ve posted about it here before. Someone just coming into your house will bring many germs and illnesses into your home, so why not spiritual uncleanness or a negative spirit? Can they hand you a flier on the porch and pass on a negative energy? You can get Corona virus by simply breathing the same air. Why do we laugh at the idea of getting spiritually sick from taking something from some standing in our yard? 

I admit it sounds like my good imagination is working overtime. I mean, talking to my neighbor shouldn’t be a problem, should it? 

It depends. 

I took a bath last night. I wash my hands regularly. I wash my clothes. Ah, do they also? I have no idea. So, I don’t think we’ll be hugging or holding hands. Maybe stick to the 6 ft rule?

I also don’t know where they’ve been or what they’ve been doing. I don’t know what habits they have. Do they do Taro cards or fortunetelling? Do they visit inappropriate places? Do they drink or do drugs? They may think all that is all right. I don’t. So, they’re going to have something I don’t want following me home. 

It doesn’t end there. Someone can come into your home with depression and despair. When they leave you might feel down and in a few days you may even be depressed. Believe me, I know this for a fact. 

So what’s my point? 

It isn’t what they do or think that is important. They’re who they are and until they get these things removed from their lives, they’re going to be who they are. 

What is important is who you are and what you do. There is a reason the Bible tells us to put on the whole armor of God. If you read it carefully, you can see it covers you from head to foot. This armor protects us against the wiles of the devil, against principalities, power, rulers of the darkness of this world and spiritual wickedness in high places. Not just head to foot but from the lowest devil to the highest one. God has us covered. 

If. 

Yeah. 

If we’re wearing it. 

If you aren’t, I’d check my closet. 

Ephesians 6:10-18:

Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might. Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. 

Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness; And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace; Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God: Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints;

A Busy Week and a Grateful Heart

I'm so tired! I'm going to bed but I really need to post this. Something has sidetracked me two or three times this week.

You've had a busy weekend and a busy week. 

You are amazing. I've felt so good and just so....I don't know even know. Mentally and physically. I've just had a wonderful week. Able to get things done without a lot of pain or stress.

You're welcome, but you did all the work.

I couldn't have done it if you had not helped me. Did I say thank you?

Several times in the car today and every day this week. You must keep your eyes on the road, you know.

Yeah, yeah, I know. But suddenly, I was just so excited and elated. You know how I get. What a week!

I do. Still, try to focus on your driving. I can wait till you get home.

I couldn't! You're really amazing, and I'm just so grateful. 

Get to bed. 

Right. Good night!

#ConversationsWithHim

The Battle Belongs to the Lord

Sometimes we stress over things that are not in our hands. It is the most awful feeling in the world to watch someone die while you try to save them. The pain and anger afterward is unbelievable. You spend years wondering why you couldn't stop it. And you die a little as well. 

It hurts just as much when you're watching people you love die spiritually. Often, you beat the floor or the walls and scream for God to do something. You sit and wonder what kind of prayer you can pray that God will hear. You wonder why it is taking so long. Sometimes you're praying for your loved one and trying not to pray for the party responsible for leading them astray, or at least not to pray for a bolt of lightning to smite them where they stand. You feel totally helpless and that is the most awful feeling there is.

Sometimes I have to be reminded.   

Do not be afraid and do not be dismayed at this great horde, for the battle is not yours but God's. 2Chronicles 20:15

But as for me, I will look to the LORD; I will wait for the God of my salvation; my God will hear me. Rejoice not over me, O my enemy; when I fall, I shall rise; when I sit in darkness, the LORD will be a light to me. Micah 7:7-8

Then I read of how God deals with our enemies with no help from me.

... Deliver me from my enemies, O my God; protect me from those who rise up against me;  deliver me from those who work evil, and save me from bloodthirsty men.  For behold, they lie in wait for my life; fierce men stir up strife against me. For no transgression or sin of mine, O LORD, for no fault of mine, they run and make ready. Awake, come to meet me, and see! 

You, LORD God of hosts, are God of Israel. Rouse yourself to punish all the nations; spare none of those who treacherously plot evil. Selah 

Each evening they come back, howling like dogs and prowling about the city. There they are, bellowing with their mouths with swords in their lips— for “Who,” they think, “will hear us?” 

But you, O LORD, laugh at them; you hold all the nations in derision. 

O my Strength, I will watch for you, for you, O God, are my fortress. My God in his steadfast love will meet me; God will let me look in triumph on my enemies. 

Kill them not, lest my people forget; make them totter by your power and bring them down, O Lord, our shield! 

For the sin of their mouths, the words of their lips, let them be trapped in their pride. For the cursing and lies that they utter, consume them in wrath; consume them till they are no more, that they may know that God rules over Jacob to the ends of the earth. Selah Psalms 59:1b-13

And I realize that God don't play. 

Where Were You?

 

Where were you all this time?

What?

Where were you all this time? Things were bad. No, strike that. They were absolutely abysmal.

Oh, I've been with you.

What? No. No, you weren't.

But I was. If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there.

Oh....

Yes. Oh. Psalms 139 

1.O lord, thou hast searched me, and known me.
2 Thou knowest my downsitting and mine uprising, thou understandest my thought afar off.
3 Thou compassest my path and my lying down, and art acquainted with all my ways.
4 For there is not a word in my tongue, but, lo, O Lord, thou knowest it altogether.
5 Thou hast beset me behind and before, and laid thine hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high, I cannot attain unto it.
7 Whither shall I go from thy spirit? or whither shall I flee from thy presence?
8 If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there.
9 If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea;
10 Even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me.
11 If I say, Surely the darkness shall cover me; even the night shall be light about me.
12 Yea, the darkness hideth not from thee; but the night shineth as the day: the darkness and the light are both alike to thee.
13 For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother's womb.
14 I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.
15 My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
16 Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them.
17 How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! how great is the sum of them!
18 If I should count them, they are more in number than the sand: when I awake, I am still with thee.
19 Surely thou wilt slay the wicked, O God: depart from me therefore, ye bloody men.
20 For they speak against thee wickedly, and thine enemies take thy name in vain.
21 Do not I hate them, O Lord, that hate thee? and am not I grieved with those that rise up against thee?
22 I hate them with perfect hatred: I count them mine enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts:
24 And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

{sigh}

Well, I didn't mean to make you cry. I was only answering your question. 

I know. Could you maybe make a little noise though? Just in case I forget. 

#ConverstationsWithHim

Lost Lessons

 

Power in Praise

The book arrived a couple of days ago. 

I saw that. You started it.

Yes, but I was doing a review read for two different authors and needed to finish those. I still have to write the reviews. But I'm reading it. I'm about 16 pages in.

And....

.....

AND...

I know. I know. So, I kind of messed up. 

Messed up?

Well, I forgot the formula.

I think we were previously talking about your shirt. You know, the praise shirt you needed to put on.

Yeah. I got that. See, I thought I'd been doing that. 

Hmmm...

But apparently, not really. 

Uh-huh.

Well, really, but not in everything. Some things ... well, you know.

I do, but I'd rather you admit it.

Oh, come on. You KNOW. 

.....

{sigh}

.....

All right! Some things I wanted to you fix. I wasn't praising you for the way they were because I didn't want them the way they were. So ...

That's enough. You got it. So, you got that in 16 pages? I'm impressed.

Not really. I feel stupid. Prison to Praise and Power in Praise, by Merlin Carothers, were two favorite books of mine in the 70s. They had a tremendous impact on me as a teen and stuck with me for years. I lost my copies, and they went out of print, I think. That was before Amazon, but I didn't forget about them. It truly worked then. Somewhere along the way, I forgot about it. Well, I stopped practicing it. I realized it as soon as I started reading it this week.

Finish it.

I will. But I have to tell you, I recognize I'm different now. I'm not the teenager with rosy glasses. I'm finding it harder to see how I can do this. In everything, praise you. That sounds great. In theory, it shouldn't be difficult. It wasn't difficult when I was 16. Life took a hard, several hard turns. Still sounds great, but it feels nearly impossible. 

You are 16 pages in. There is a lot more book before you evaluate things. 

I need to succeed here. This is a lesson I learned and lost, and I need to regain it. 

Let's do it.

#ConversationswithHim

Never Again

As I read my morning devotional about a week ago, I ran across a scripture that made me pause. 

I like it when that happens because it is a sign that God is calling my attention to something important. 

I have to tell you, for a while, I've been struggling spiritually and emotionally. You have only to read the blogs, my Facebook page, or have longer than a 2 minute conversation with me to know. On average, people don't talk to me much. Really. No one. Those who do talk to me, like me. Those who don't get a little intimidated. I probably needed braces when I was a child, because my smile just terrifies them. That or I smell bad. 

I digress.

When I paused over the verse, I made a mental note to come back to that scripture and read more of the text so I understood the context. Of course, as often happens, I moved on and forgot. Mostly because I didn't make a written note. 

The verse in question is in Genesis 8: 20-22. Verse 22 is the verse that got my attention. In these verses, God is repenting the destruction of the world by flood. We've all heard that talked about in Sunday School. This was this was the first time I noticed he also repents for cursing the ground when Adam and Eve sinned! Do you remember anyone preaching on that? 

He harmed the earth, his beautiful creation, and he regrets it. He doesn't reverse the curse because he can't. It's already done and the effects of that curse are already working. Verse 21 is one of the most heartbreaking verses I've ever read. 

 Gen 8:20  Then Noah built an altar to the LORD and took some of every clean animal and some of every clean bird and offered burnt offerings on the altar.

Gen 8:21  And when the LORD smelled the pleasing aroma, the LORD said in his heart, “I will never again curse the ground because of man, for the intention of man's heart is evil from his youth. Neither will I ever again strike down every living creature as I have done. 

The creator is sorrowing because he cursed the earth and destroyed every living thing. He realizes how horribly corrupted his children have become, and it is tearing his heart apart. Their actions caused his response. He can't fix what they did or change his response to their actions. And it is so very painful for him. We've all been there as parents, in some fashion or other. Haven't we? We've all hated the teacher who punished the entire class for one student's actions. 

In this verse, he expresses his grief and his regret. And he issues a codicil to his will. He adds a promise to the curse to atone for what he did to his lovely planet and the flora and fauna living there. He promises never again will he destroy everything because of human actions. 

Did you get that? He won't ever destroy the earth and all life because humans are evil from birth. In fact, he promises the natural order will continue as long as there's a planet. 

Gen 8:22  While the earth remains, seedtime and harvest, cold and heat, summer and winter, day and night, shall not cease.” 

The state of the planet has been worrisome for many of us. I look around at what is left and think how beautiful it is now, but imagine it in its perfect state. It breaks my heart, too. 

I don't care what science touts about greenhouse gases, global warming, glacial melting or anything else. Nature will do what it was designed to do. This earth will continue the natural processes until God sends a fire and purges it of the corruption that runs rampant. We're living in the beginning stages of this now.

 At the end of that conflagration, there will be a new earth. I suspect the fire will sanitize the earth. The seeds in the ground and animal life will return robust and free of the scourge of corrupt mankind.  How wonderful it would be to see that. Yet, without redemption, we're doomed as human beings. Never to see the sun rise on a pure green sea or over a blooming meadow. 

What Happened?

 Something happened. 

I know. I can tell. Do you know what? 

Absolutely not. But I don't care. I'm just glad it did. I don't really know how to explain it either. 

Then don't try. Just enjoy the change. 

I want to understand. 

Of course you do. When have you not?

Well, that's how we learn, you know. And don't forget, learning leads to growth.

True. So....

{sigh} I don't know. I can't put my finger on it. I just know something changed. It is as if someone turned on the lights. No. That's not it. There was this darkness. 

Yes?

But now it isn't?

#ConversationswithHim

A Croaker Sack of Super Power

 

You know, there is nothing quite like the feeling of worthlessness. It wears like a croaker sack. For the uninitiated, that is a burlap sack. It got its name because folks down south who gigged for frogs would put their catch in the burlap sack; thus, the name croaker sack. When I found that nugget, I thought it hilarious. Doubly so, since I'm a southerner and I never heard the definition of the name. Well, my family didn't eat frogs so, there is that. 

You were talking about worthlessness . . . 

I was. But don't you think that's an interesting tidbit? 

Decidedly. 

Yes, I feel totally worthless. I do nothing, contribute nothing, don't rank on any scale at all. I'm very smart, very talented, and really very nice. Just worthless. 

What are you talking about? 

Uh, I thought we cleared that up?

You've been a very productive person all your life. Had you not been, people would have struggled to get by. Some would have been destitute.

Got that right. Once I went to work, everyone had their hands out. 

{sigh} How can I get you to see past all that? 

I thought the whole point of suffering was to make us better people.

No, no, no. Suffering results from your fallen nature. 

What did I ever do to deserve all this? Wait, I'm not perfect, but I certainly did nothing so bad that I should be constantly trying to survive the onslaught I seem to attract.

Neither did I.

Right. But I'm not God. I understand what happened to you. That was a power struggle, and you won. I understand the horror in a limited human way. But thankfully you won. 

You don't think you're in a power struggle?

What power? I have no power. I can't change a thing. I can't fix a thing. In fact, the only thing I seem to be successful at is screwing up things. And that isn't something anyone wants.

Remember what Paul said in Ephesians 6:12?

Yes. "For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places." Yes, I've very aware of those powers. But no one ever believes me when I tell them there is a problem involving those powers. So...

You can't really control what people think or do. 

Hello? Isn't that what I said? No. Power. See, I'm worthless. Useless. Same thing. Can't fix the problem. Who needs me? NO ONE. 

We're going to agree to disagree on this for now. Eventually, I am sure you'll understand.

I know. Once we all get to heaven, we'll have all our questions answered. Great. So I have to die to get an answer. Wow.

You know that isn't what I meant.

No, I don't know. I'm so confused by all that is going on around me. I'm broken in ways I can't begin to explain. And so weary of it. I spend hours having this conversation. I'm struggling to tread water. 

Just take off the croaker sack. Put on the garment of praise. 

...

Did you roll your eyes? Surely not.

No. I already wear the praise shirt more than I ever have in my life. Then the real world comes barging in and I get knocked down. And before you say it, yes, I get back up. But you know something, we humans get tired eventually. There is a point where you can't get up. You can't lift your head, never mind your hands. You reach a place where lying there is easier than moving. 

........

Sorry, I don't have the answer. 

Endurance.

What? 

Endurance. You have endurance. You have fortitude. 

If you say I'm strong, I will not talk to you the rest of the day. 

You're not strong. You have endurance. 

I'm tired. So, so, so tired.

I know. And yet, you hang on. That's endurance. And that, my friend, is far better than simple strength. That's a superpower.

I am a croaker sack of super power.

Sure. If you want to say that. Personally, I think that's probably more uncomfortable than fig leaves. Change your shirt.

#ConversationsWithHim

Finding Faith

 

A few weeks ago, I appeared to be in the middle of a crisis. I didn’t know what was wrong with me, but a terrible depression enveloped me like locusts. Despite sleeping for 10 hours a day, I was exhausted and couldn’t think well. I woke up tired and went to bed tired. Naps lasted 2 to 4 hours, and I still went to bed tired. Keeping my laundry clean and changing the sheets became insurmountable efforts. Becca came and helped clean the cat boxes and floors. I don’t know what I’d do without her sometimes. An ex-daughter-in-law who does things like that for you is a rare treasure. She owes me nothing, yet she helps when needed.

There were a lot of things going on in my life at the time and since Jerry died, I don’t cope well. I’m sorry if you think you get over it, but the trauma of seeing someone die the way he did doesn’t go away… ever. Stresses, of any sort, just about slay me. Believe me when I say that is not who I was prior to January 2009. 

However, I suspected the problem had a physical source. The spiritual realm saw it as an opportunity to jump on me with both metaphysical feet. When this happens, it is nightmarish. It is a dark, lonely road and I am alone. No, really. Alone.

Yes, I prayed. I had long, rambling conversations with God about all my troubles. I ranted. He listened. I read my Bible, looking for answers. Found nothing helpful. I asked questions he didn’t answer. I cried and cried and cried. For days, I’d find myself just torn in pieces. 

Despite what they tell you, you do not find solutions to every problem in the Bible. I’m sorry to disillusion anyone. They’re not all there. What you find are ways to cope with the unanswerable questions. You find direction in how to navigate a world where some problems aren’t ever solved and never will be solved. 

One evening, I addressed the subject of faith. Sometimes I feel stupid talking to someone who isn’t visible. I only do that at home… usually. I have done it in my car and once a passenger asked me about it.

Anyway, I reached a place where I was so frustrated. I said, “I don’t even know what faith is! I can’t say that to anyone because they’d quote Hebrews 1:11 ‘Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.’”

“What does that even mean? It makes no sense and is confusing. There is no substance of something you hope for. They don’t exist except in the mind! Something not seen has no form.”

I’m sure I didn’t word it exactly that way, but that was the basic content of my rant. Hear me, God doesn’t mind your rants. God understands them. Jesus ranted in the temple. He used a whip on them. So, he gets rants. Believe it or not, he responds to them nicely. He remains silent and lets you get it out of your system. 

My only option at this point was to open my Bible and show him what I was talking about. (Cause he must not have read that verse, of course.) I explained I didn’t know what it was and didn’t understand it and that I must be a terrible person and going to hell because maybe I didn’t have any faith at all and without faith it is impossible to please Him………. 

I can’t say how long my rant lasted. I was hurting, so it probably wasn't long. My heart hurt and I had a weary mind and a troubled soul. My body was feeling the effects of those locust feet. Still crying, I decided the best I could do was just go to bed. 

I’ve started reading a section of Psalms over the last few months. Prayer in dark places is difficult, and I found it impossible to find words to pray that didn’t sound self serving and repetitive to me. David did a better job of praying than I could ever hope to emulate. I dried my tears and read.

The passage I read was Psalms 119:33-50. You should read it. 

    33. HE. Teach me, O LORD, the way of thy statutes; and I shall keep it unto the end.

    34. Give me understanding, and I shall keep thy law; yea, I shall observe it with my whole heart.

    35. Make me to go in the path of thy commandments; for therein do I delight.

    36. Incline my heart unto thy testimonies, and not to covetousness.

    37. Turn away mine eyes from beholding vanity; and quicken thou me in thy way.

    38. Stablish thy word unto thy servant, who is devoted to thy fear.

    39. Turn away my reproach which I fear: for thy judgments are good.

    40. Behold, I have longed after thy precepts: quicken me in thy righteousness.

    41. VAU. Let thy mercies come also unto me, O LORD, even thy salvation, according to thy word.

    42. So shall I have wherewith to answer him that reproacheth me: for I trust in thy word.

    43. And take not the word of truth utterly out of my mouth; for I have hoped in thy judgments.

    44. So shall I keep thy law continually for ever and ever.

    45. And I will walk at liberty: for I seek thy precepts.

    46. I will speak of thy testimonies also before kings, and will not be ashamed.

    47. And I will delight myself in thy commandments, which I have loved.

    48. My hands also will I lift up unto thy commandments, which I have loved; and I will meditate in thy statutes.

    49. ZAIN. Remember the word unto thy servant, upon which thou hast caused me to hope.

    50. This is my comfort in my affliction: for thy word hath quickened me.

There are following parts of of Psalms 119 I also read sometimes, but this is basically my bedtime prayer. And this night I read this section. And was smacked between the eyes. 

“Remember the word unto thy servant, upon which thou hast caused me to hope.”

I stumbled over that and cried again. I looked further back into the passage. “... for I trust in thy word”

Remember the word to your servant, which you caused me to hope in and in which I trust.

Faith. Faith is the substance of things hoped for. Remember your word that caused me to hope. I trust your Word. This is my comfort in my affliction! You gave me your word, made me hope in your word. And I trust your Word. 

I don't believe I need to say anything else. You get it.

Fear

"Good men have the fewest fears. He who fears to do wrong has but one great fear; he has a thousand who has overcome it."                                   Christian Nestell Bovee (1820-1904) American author & editor.

If you didn't quite get that, read it again, particularly the last phrase. The old-fashioned syntax makes it difficult, so I had to think about it for a moment. "He has a thousand who has overcome it". Overcome what? The fear of doing wrong. Once a person is not afraid to do wrong, they have a multitude of things to fear. 

I found the statement profound, doubly so because I ran across today in my old writing files. Years ago, I kept a small notebook so I could jot down notes during church or at other times when inspiration hit. Often, the church notes were the inspiration to write. These days, I have precious little inspiration. So, this pink note is a welcome sight. 

It was May 8, 1998. I was unemployed but went to work at the housing authority later in the year. We were having a difficult time financially because Jerry and I both were doing temp work to pay the bills and take care of our children. 

The following is from the note, just as I wrote it in 1998

****************************************

The fear of the Lord is ...

Prov 8:13 ... to hate evil.    

        9:10 ... beginning of wisdom.

       10:27 ... prolongs days

       14:27 ... fountain of life.

       15:23 ... instruction of wisdom

        19:23 ... tendeth to life ... he that hath it shall abide satisfied and

                        shall not be visited with evil.

        22:4 ... are riches, honor, life

****************************************

The fear of the Lord should encompass your life. I am not afraid of doing wrong. I'm terrified. The rewards of the fear of the Lord far outweigh the cost of not fearing Him.

Hello?

"Hello?"

.......

"Hello? Is there anyone there?"

....

"HELLO!"

"No need to shout. I hear you."

"Didn't feel like it."

"Oh, feelings. Well, you know what they say about them."

"Uh, no."

"It's just one after another. Here one minute and something else the next."

"I don't think anyone says that."

"I just did."

"I'm not feeling amused tonight."

"Do you ever?"

{sigh}

"Hmmmm."

I'm really trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do now. I'm really just so tired of everything."

"You were lifting over 40 pounds at the gym for half an hour today. And you rode a bike going nowhere for 6 miles. You should be tired."

"Not that kind of tired."

"Hummm."

"Is it wrong to want to just stop?"

"Depends."

"Can we not be cryptic today? I really need help. I need plain talk. Real advice."

"Well, you know, I authored this amazing self-help book. Best seller, too."

{eye-roll followed by sigh}

"Did you just roll your eyes?"

"Maybe. A little."

"Hmmm."

"I've read that book. I read it daily. I really need to talk to you. Or rather, I need you to talk to me. Really talk to me."

"We talk all the time."

"No. I talk all the time. Long painful dialogue followed by silence."

"You're not listening."

..............................................................

"Are you all right?"

"If I was all right, I wouldn't be blogging an imaginary conversation with you."

"Are you angry with me?"

"I'm angry, yes."

"At whom?"

"Me. Just me. I can't figure out how to just walk away. I don't want to care anymore."

"Ooo, difficult."

"That's it? That's all you have to say?"

"Pretty much."

...................................................................................................................

"Doesn't help much, does it?"

"Why can't you just help me? Why can't you fix things I can't fix?"

"Well, I could..."    

"Then DO IT!"

"You didn't let me finish. I could, but then you wouldn't develop properly. Your growth would be stunted. It would impair your ability to discern things. You must learn to stand on your own feet."

"I think I can manage that at this point. It is the rest I have trouble with. I'm not talking about me!"

"I know this. There are several others you have worn yourself out worrying about and you need to put that down."

"I can't do that."

"Then you'll be crushed beneath a load you need not bear. And you need to stop trying to fix things in the past. They're done. You can't change it." 

"I have to fix things."

"No, you don't. You can't."

"What do I do?"

"I just told you."

..........................

"You're not listening."

#ConversationsWithHim

Would You Like a Menu?

I never remember missing an Easter Sunday in church. I'm sure somewhere in my travels I have, but I can't remember it. Today I missed church.  Of course, I can watch the service online but today I missed even that. For several weeks, I've been waking up in the wee hours of the morning with excruciating cramps in my calves. I live alone in a stone house, so my screams didn't disturb the neighbors. 

Walking is painful. It is the same feeling as a pulled muscle. Not since I was pregnant with Michael have I had leg cramps this bad. That was 42 years ago. Back then, I learned in Lamaze classes how to "break" a cramp. You stretch in the opposite direction of the cramp. If your foot goes down, you pull it up. Only, these cramps won't let me. I have to get out of bed and put my foot down, and that stops it. I'm left with a very painful calf muscle and have to hobble down the hallway. 

For three hours, I sat in my chair and kept telling myself I'd go to church at 11. I didn't. So, I would go to the noon service. Each time I got up to dress, I had to deal with the sore calves and finally just gave up. It hurt and depressed me. 

I know today is the day we remember the price Jesus paid for our freedom, our salvation. He allowed himself to be crucified to pay the penalty for our sins on our behalf. My pain seems unimportant compared to what he endured. I live with constant pain and still can't imagine the horror of his. How dare I miss church for such a little pain? 

I remember a place in the Bible where it says "he was wounded for our transgressions". In another, "by his stripes, we are healed." His pain had a purpose. And he agreed to be wounded for the purpose. He had a choice. He endured the pain because he had a plan.

There is no purpose for my pain. It doesn't make me a better person. I don't magically become more sensitive, compassionate, or understanding. I didn't agree to feel pain, to have rheumatoid arthritis, fibromyalgia, and whatever else this may be. No one asked me. No one gave me a menu to pick the pain I wanted. I wanted none of this. 

This is a consequence of my genetics. I can't fix it or change it. My pain is a consequence of a fallen world that corrupted my DNA. Someone else made the choice for me. They chose unwisely. 

So, there are days I can't walk well or put on a blouse or brush my hair without pain. I can't focus on what you're saying, let alone listen to a long sermon. I love my pastor's preaching and teaching. When I have to exert more effort to listen, I become frustrated and exhausted. So, I stay home. Whether I go or stay, I'll experience frustration and depression because my body has robbed me of the things I enjoy once again. There is no purpose in that. 

This isn't much of a praise post, is it? I don't feel like praise today. I want to curl up and cover my head.  But I didn't. Instead, I read my Bible and praised in the pain. There is a purpose in that.  

The next time you're suffering from some malady, don't beat yourself up if you can't get to church. And don't let others beat you up for it either. If someone makes you feel bad because you didn't go to church, give them a menu and ask them to pick their pain. 

And praise God anyway.

Missing Dinner

I missed church today, again. I hate missing. For the last two years, I've missed so much that I feel like I'm starving. I watch the online services but, while they're good, it isn't being there. Spiritually, I'm 95 pounds and I'm hungry!

I'm recovering from arm surgery to repair a pinched nerve in my elbow. They used staples, and a week after surgery, it has become infected. Not surprising for me with my wonky immune system. If I take no RA meds, I am a immunity warrior. With RA meds, I'm a ticking time bomb for infections. 

The pain from the staples at the infection site is horrendous, and there is swelling that is putting a strain on the staples. I wondered why it was still hurting so badly after a week. It's been hurting worse for the last three days and I couldn't figure it out. Well, in my defense, trying to look at an incision on the inside of your arm from the elbow to the mid-upper arm is difficult; with my faulty vision, even what I can see is questionable. It took mirrors and a lot of light to get a good look. 

So, tomorrow I'll call the doctor early and try to get in or get advice. Truthfully, I should have known something was up. I have hurt so bad since Thursday, all over my body. I've also been sleeping twelve hours a day. That's too much, even for my sleep deprived self.

I'm one of those who believe that to maintain your spiritual stability, you need to be in church, to fellowship with other believers, to worship in community, and to learn the Word of God. There is a valid reason God established churches, and it wasn't to show off your new shoes or watch a show.

I guess, in my mind, it is like being called for dinner. Family dinners of my childhood were wonderful. Everyone sitting together, laughing, talking, sharing their joys or their griefs and learning what it meant to be family. I miss it so much. They really were as wonderful for me as the paintings you see. I had a large extended family and our family reunions were the same. Relatives, in-laws, ex-in-laws, children, step-children, and old girlfriends or boyfriends were in the crowd. I never knew everyone at our family reunion because of that. Those days are all gone and so are the members. 

The only place I still feel that kind of atmosphere is church. I think that is the way it is supposed to be. I miss those days. And when I miss church, I feel the same longing to go home as I do when I remember my family dinners. 

You can fill up on bits and bites when you're hungry but there is just nothing like sitting down to a real meal. I don't like missing dinner.

My Morning Prayer for 2022

 My Prayer for 2022

Psalms 119:33-40

33 Teach me, O Lord, the way of Your statutes,

And I shall keep it to the end.

34 Give me understanding, and I shall keep Your law;

Indeed, I shall observe it with my whole heart.

35 Make me walk in the path of Your commandments,

For I delight in it.

36 Incline my heart to Your testimonies,

And not to covetousness.

37 Turn away my eyes from looking at worthless things,

And revive me in Your way.

38 Establish Your word to Your servant,

Who is devoted to fearing You.

39 Turn away my reproach which I dread,

For Your judgments are good.

40 Behold, I long for Your precepts;

Revive me in Your righteousness.