The Morning the Memo Arrived

On Saturday, December 8, while waiting for my breakfast to cook, something impressed me to pray a strange prayer. I wanted to thank the Lord because he had given me books and the knowledge they contain.

As an avid reader, I have hundreds of books, many at my elbow. A third of my library is reference material I’ve gathered from many sources and used for years. They cover history, archeology, anthropology, geology, mathematics, science, and numerous other things. Then I have fiction covering several genres. Some I used for assignments but others for my enlightenment and entertainment.

That morning I felt an overwhelming gratitude and desire to thank God for giving me a mind to learn and access to the materials to fulfill my craving for knowledge and understanding.
While I ate my breakfast, I got ready to do my morning Bible study. I’ve mentioned here before that I use an app called YouVersion. Since the same app is on all my electronic devices, I can pick up where I left off at anytime.

This morning I opened the app and was trying to find out where I stopped but before I did, I noticed behind the window was a highlighted verse. I flipped back to that window and saw Isaiah 50:4.

The Lord God hath given me the tongue of the learned, that I should know how to speak a word in season to him that is weary: he wakeneth morning by morning, he wakeneth mine ear to hear as the learned. Isa. 50:4

As far as I could remember, I have never read this verse, but it’s highlighted so at some point I’ve read it. I can’t tell you when, and it doesn’t stick out at me from the last several weeks. So, I do not understand why it popped up. Verses don’t just pop up at random in the app. I checked one of the other devices to see if the same verse appeared on them but it did not.

The verse was so connected to what I had just been praying and thanking the Lord for it astounded me. It took time for me to understand it and even now I don’t.

I’m trying so hard to make my life count. If I touch people’s lives, I’m not aware of it. If my words influences anyone, I never know it. I’m so thankful for all I’ve received. Isaiah 50:4 tells me the Lord has provided me the means, and he hears me. It amazes me that when I need a word of encouragement, the Lord can pick up a simple thing and show me he’s there and he’s listening.

Who Is Driving?

Wikimedia.org - Stolen Rembrandt 
Christ Calms The Sea

I have another post I wanted to share based on a Sunday School lesson a few weeks ago by a man in our church. He quoted Mark 4:35-40, the story of Jesus calming the storm. The story was used to emphasize a point in his lesson.

If you've attended Sunday School as a kid, you know this story. You can watch a short video of it here if you like. Or you can read the text:



Mark 4:35-41 King James Version (KJV)

35 And the same day, when the even was come, he saith unto them, Let us pass over unto the other side.
36 And when they had sent away the multitude, they took him even as he was in the ship. And there were also with him other little ships.
37 And there arose a great storm of wind, and the waves beat into the ship, so that it was now full.
38 And he was in the hinder part of the ship, asleep on a pillow: and they awake him, and say unto him, Master, carest thou not that we perish?
39 And he arose, and rebuked the wind, and said unto the sea, Peace, be still. And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm.
40 And he said unto them, Why are ye so fearful? how is it that ye have no faith?

41 And they feared exceedingly, and said one to another, What manner of man is this, that even the wind and the sea obey him?

As I was reading the text something set me to thinking. It's a small detail that, while I may have always known it, I never really thought much about it. "And he was in the hinder part of the ship, asleep on a pillow:". 

Ships, great and small, have a front, back, and sides but they don't call them that. The front is the bow or stem. The left is port and the right is starboard. The back is the stern or, in this case, the hinder part of the ship. I thought about the implication of Jesus being asleep in the stern of the ship. Why the stern? Well, it might be calmer in the rear. As a boat moves along on the water, the bow hits waves and will bounce. Not very conducive to a sound sleep, and let's be clear here, Jesus was sleeping soundly. A violent storm with thrashing waves, rain, wind, lightning, and probably thunder was going on around him and he slept through it. So, obviously the stern is a good place to sleep.

Aside from a comfy mattress, what made the stern special? I'm not a sailor but I know enough to know that a sailing ship is powered by wind. The sails propel the ship across the surface of the water. If the wind dies, the sails are useless and the ship will come to a dead stop. However, while the sails are powerful in the wind, they are not responsible for directing the path of the ship. That job belongs to the rudder, a relatively small item in the very rear of the ship, extending into the water. It is attached to the tiller, which in the case of small sailing vessels, is manipulated by a human being... sitting in the stern of the ship. The reason there was a pillow is because sitting on a hard bench is uncomfortable, especially if you're spending a lot of time at the tiller, your back against the rail and your butt on a board.

OK, are you getting this? Cause I can spell it out.

At some point, Jesus was sitting in the stern, right next to the rudder, a type of steering wheel, of the boat he was in. He fell asleep. The storm came up.

I'm skeptical that you could lie down in the stern of the ship with someone else operating the rudder. You'd really be in their way. They have to manipulate the tiller to direct the rudder, to turn the ship. In a storm, this would be an insane job. And there's this guy sleeping under your feet? Uh, no, on your seat!

I don't think anyone else was steering that ship. I think Jesus, who was already in the ship when they got in. (See verse 36) And to my way of thinking, he was driving the bus... I mean boat.

Make of it what you will. But I see him getting up and saying (metaphorically), "Hey, will you relax! I'm driving this boat. And I'm managing this storm." The driver of the boat steered them right into a storm that he was controlling.

It was a profound revelation for me but during my research I discovered one more interesting thing. In virtually all the paintings and images I reviewed, Jesus is standing in the bow of the ship, not seated or lying in the stern. I Googled dozens of pages until I ran across an article about a stolen Rembrandt, the image at the top of the page. It is a beautiful painting and it shows Jesus on the starboard side, near the stern but not in the stern. Why do all the painters place him in the bow?

Because in our small minds, a man in charge will be in the front of the ship, sails filled with the power of the wind. And yet, in a storm, that would be the last thing you'd want. In storms, you shorten or reef the sails so they get the least amount of wind. Billowing sails can cause an imbalance that will swamp you or damage your vessel.These were experienced fishermen in that ship. They would have already done everything they knew to do before they woke Jesus. The sails wouldn't have been billowing, they'd be reefed.

The story takes on a whole new significance to me after this. Jesus was steering the ship and they were worried. No wonder he said, "Why are you afraid. Why do you have so little faith (in me and my abilities)?"

How many times have I felt that Jesus was asleep and not paying attention to what was going on around us? Oh how many times I've forgotten who was steering the whole time!

The Effects of a Grateful Heart

Courtsey Pixabay.com

Yes, I know Thanksgiving is over and we're headed for Christmas but this post has been gnawing at me for two or three weeks. It is time to share it.

My pastor is such an awesome teacher and I really enjoy Sunday School for that reason. Every sermon I come away with something good. A few weeks ago, and I can't remember the date, he preached on gratitude. During the sermon he cited a familiar passage that I'm sure everyone reading this has heard. This is the story of the 10 lepers.

Luke 17:11-19 King James Version (KJV)

11 And it came to pass, as he went to Jerusalem, that he passed through the midst of Samaria and Galilee.
12 And as he entered into a certain village, there met him ten men that were lepers, which stood afar off:
13 And they lifted up their voices, and said, Jesus, Master, have mercy on us.
14 And when he saw them, he said unto them, Go shew yourselves unto the priests. And it came to pass, that, as they went, they were cleansed.
15 And one of them, when he saw that he was healed, turned back, and with a loud voice glorified God,
16 And fell down on his face at his feet, giving him thanks: and he was a Samaritan.
17 And Jesus answering said, Were there not ten cleansed? but where are the nine?
18 There are not found that returned to give glory to God, save this stranger.
19 And he said unto him, Arise, go thy way: thy faith hath made thee whole.

Leprosy is a bacterial infection that affects the skin, eyes, nose, and peripheral nerves. It still exist today and a person can have it for decades without symptoms. The lack of sensation in the nerves can lead to severe injuries. Over time, a person can lose fingers, toes, ears, and even the nose from it. The signs of the advance disease can be horrible with missing or deformed extremities and facial features.

In this passage, the lepers ask Jesus to heal them. In those days, lepers were expelled from the community because they were contagious or considered unclean. They weren't allowed to attend religious services or visit their families. They had to beg for their survival and live in caves or where ever they could find shelter. If their leprosy cleared up, they had to present themselves to the priest. Only the priest could declare them clean or healed from the disease and allow them to return to their normal lives.

During the lesson I thought about this. Jesus sent the men to the priest to verify they were cleansed of the disease. Of those ten men, only one turned back to thank him. Almost as an afterthought, we're reminded that he is a Samaritan.

I read up on them a bit while writing this. Samaritans were not accepted by the Jews but they claim to be descendants of Aaron, which would make them brothers. The information I obtained in research said Samaritan means "keeper of the law". This would explain the behavior of the Good Samaritan and probably this leper who returned to worship and give thanks.

As I listened to the lesson, something else struck me. I don't know why I missed it in the past. A life spent in church means I'm pretty familiar with a tremendous amount of Bible stories. This one is of the more famous variety. Yet, I never noticed something and it reminded me why I prefer the King James Version of the Bible over other translations.

Verse
The last verse in the NIV says this: Then he said to him, “Rise and go; your faith has made you well.”
 The KJV says:  And he said unto him, Arise, go thy way: thy faith hath made thee whole. 

That may be a small difference to you and unimportant but it is a vast world of difference to me. Jesus cleansed all 10 lepers and sent them to the priest to be verified. One turned back and Jesus was stunned both by his honor and because this was a Samaritan. The Samaritan was bound by his obedience to the law to give thanks for cleansing. And Jesus' reaction was profound. He didn't just cleanse #10. He made him whole.

Let that sink in a minute. While I was sitting through the lesson I felt what I hope you're feeling right now, this kind of internal gasp.

Jesus didn't just cleanse the 10th leper. He actually restored all the missing parts. He could return to his family. Everyone who knew him would see the astonishing miracle of his healing. He'd have to explain how those missing fingers or ears were no longer missing. The other nine could also go home, but they'd be forever reminded of their past. Those who knew them would also see the evidence. However, Jesus made the 10th leper whole because of a grateful heart and an obedience to his faith.

Gratitude is essential if you want to be whole. An ungrateful heart creates missing components to your life. Let's always turn back to give Him thanks for His lovingkindness and mercy.


Resources:

• http://factsanddetails.com/world/cat55/sub394/entry-5930.html

• https://www.bibleodyssey.org/en/people/related-articles/samaritans

Left Luggage

I did a post on spiritual house cleaning and afterward, a question came up. Why would you need to do a cleansing of your house if you're a Christian? I suppose the idea being that Christians have some kind of protection automatically just because we're Christians.

Let's play a game. Imagine that life is a train station. And people from all over the world come into this train station with their luggage planning to get on a train. Let's say your train pulls into the station and 20 people pick up their bags and march onto your train. They take their seats and everybody gets comfortable and the train takes off. You have 20 people and all their baggage on your train. You don't know what's in their bags. Perhaps they'll have clothes, toiletries, books, or bombs. You just don't know but they're on your train.

Now suppose that at the next stop, five of those people get off to the train but they leave some of their baggage. You still don't know what's in their baggage and you won't know until it's too late. And you still have 15 people on the train. You simply can't predict what is in the bags on your train or how it will affect you and everyone else on that train. You trust that you are all safe and no one will be hurt.

What you don't know is that one of those 20 people just killed his wife and his bloody clothes are in that suitcase. Another of those 20 people is a child molester and has the evidence in the bag under the seat and is planning their next crime. Twelve people have nothing in their bags but the stuff they need on their trip. Three of them have guns. One has a woman tied in his basement. And they've all been on your train.

Let's move the action closer. Your house contains you and your family. Now, someone knocks at the front door and when you answer, a salesman greets you. The salesman hands you a flier. You take the flier glance at it but tell them you'll think about it and call him back. He goes away and you close the door, flyer in hand. You didn't read the flier so you don't know what it's about but you lay off on the table and forget about it.

Next day, another person knocks on the door of your house. When you open the door it's a friend you haven't seen in several months, or perhaps a few days. You invite them in. You don't know what is going on in their lives. You don't know where they've been or what they've been doing. You have no clue what they are going through. You spend some time together and they leave. On their way out they pick up the flyer and you tell them they can take it with them if they like. They shove it into their pocket.

You don't know that your friend has been practicing a dangerous religion in order to put a spell on someone she is angry with.

What you should have noticed in these vignettes is that something was left in every situation. Baggage of some sort is left in every case. Suitcases filled with evil, a flyer from an unknown person, a friend you invited in along with all her personal baggage. They all left something behind.
Every person you meet has baggage. You have baggage. Everywhere you go you run the risk of leaving your baggage or getting someone else's baggage.

So, cleansing my house is very important. Not just my spiritual house but the place I live, eat, and sleep. I don't want to be stumbling over someone's left luggage.

Celebration -- Sep 23 - 30

This week begins the annual Jewish holiday of Sukkot, which sounds a lot like a Thanksgiving celebration that lasts a whole week. It is to celebrate a bountiful harvest but it also commemorates the time when the Hebrews wandered 40 years in the desert.

Unlike our Thanksgiving, during this week the Jews live in "booths". I've heard them called tents but after reading up on this holiday, I found that they're more like a roofed porch or awning with walls. The roof is supposed to be such that you can look up and see the night sky. I found that quite a nice idea since I love the night sky. Living in the city as I do now, I find there are times I would give anything to go back to my childhood home again where I can see the stars.

Apparently, this celebration is connected to harvest and its occurrence depended on when the harvest was finished, which as any farmer knows, can be variable. However, in Biblical times it was set for a specific time and date.

I found an interesting video on this holiday. I will leave a link to the website if you're interested in learning more about this holiday. https://reformjudaism.org/sukkot-customs-and-rituals

https://reformjudaism.org/jewish-holidays/sukkot

Day of Atonement

Today is Yom Kippur. It actually began last night at sunset but I'm late getting this post done. Yom Kippur is considered the most important holy day in the Jewish calendar and is the culmination of the week following Rosh Hashana, covered in a previous post. It is the final day for Jews repent of the sins committed the previous year against God and their fellow humans.

Yom Kippur is a day of repentance and confession and one hopes, forgiveness. God seals his verdict in the books where he's been keeping track.

I won't go into great detail because I think there are more informative sites you can research if you are interested. I found a site that explains the use of the prayer shawl and I strongly recommend watching the video. It was fascinating to learn how this is worn.   https://www.myjewishlearning.com/article/tallit-the-prayer-shawl/

Learning about these Holy Days is quite interesting. I don't know if it is because I tend to like rituals and how they relate to things or if it is just my innate curiosity. I'm a Christian and of course, we read about them in the Bible and hear about them in Sunday School and church services but those times often don't include details of what goes on, the purpose of the day, and when they're celebrated according to our calendar. Most calendars have the dates posted but to be honest, I've never really paid much attention. So, I'm trying to take them as they come and read up on them.

I can't tell you why it suddenly seems important but it does. Perhaps because as Christians we take our roots for granted, never remembering that who we are as Christians began very long ago with a band of shepherds. Not the ones in the New Testament, the ones who packed their goods and left the land of Ur. Abraham birthed more than the Jewish nation. He pointed the way to the cross and our redemption story is interwoven with the history of the Jews. We should make an effort to learn more about these days that figured so heavily throughout their history and the New Testament.

And if you think Christians are too defensive of the Jews and Israel, well, you shouldn't be surprised. We see them as God's chosen and in essence, we view them as our family.

If you want to learn more about this Holy Day, check this website.
https://reformjudaism.org/jewish-holidays

You can learn more about other holidays as well.

Cleaning House

When I was growing up, Mama used to pray a lot and I'd hear her many times. She prayed for all of us and even for our animals if they were sick. From somewhere, and I think it was her, I learned about praying for every room in your house.

Now, I want to be clear here. This is not like what you see on television where a person is performing an ancient ritual of cleansing burning sage and other herbs. I believe cleansing rituals have been around probably longer than formal religion. Even the Hebrews practiced burning incense in the temple and it was considered a "sweet savour to the Lord" and they probably did the same in their homes. Although, I can't be sure about the homes it wouldn't surprise me.

People have always, forever believed that evil could inhibit the space they lived in, whether it be caves, grass huts, or frame houses. I am certain many religions practiced some kind of cleansing rituals to protect themselves and their loved ones. Christians pray for the same reason other faiths pray, and yes, most "religion", whatever or whoever it is based on, have some kind of prayer or incantations. That is a common feature. So, it isn't surprising to me that cleansing rituals cross cultural and religious lines.

We've been seeing some problems with Sarah lately that just seemed too far off the chart for her and it has us stymied on how to deal with it.  Of course, I pray for her. I pray for my own children, too, even now. However, the issues that began to present themselves were of such concern I felt that prayer wasn't enough. She had developed such a negative spirit it was affecting everything from school work, behavior to emotional feelings. Is there ever a time prayer wasn't enough? Jesus thought so. He said so in Matthew 17:21.

So, I decided to do something I've only done a few times in my life but that I learned as a child. I "swept" the house. The first time I remember doing it I used an actual broom. I started in the room that was farthest from the exit doors of my house and began praying, using the broom in sweeping motions while I ordered every unclean spirit, every bad attitude, and every negative emotion from the room. I moved through the whole house, ending up sweeping it all out the door.

A few years ago, I was having some problems and I talked to a minister about it and he advised me to anoint my windows and doors with oil. Of course, we anoint people with oil when we pray for them in church because the scripture instructs us to do that. In fact, I prefer that they do that rather than just laying hands on me. Anyway, I followed his instructions and anointed my windows and doors and followed with prayer similar to what I did with the broom.

This week, I felt that I needed to sweep the house again, I didn't do it right away. Something kept telling me that it would help with our situation. It took me two days to actually follow through. Well, I got a bottle of olive oil and started in Sarah's room. I anointed the windows first and ordered every window sealed against any spirit not of God. I "flushed" the room clear through the door and then, sealed the door with the oil. I moved through every room, sealing windows first then doors. When I reached the last exit door of the house, I opened the door and ushered out anything negative or evil that had made it that far and then, I sealed the last door with oil. I even did the garage.

When Sarah came home that evening, she was still a bit "dark". She just didn't care about anything. When a child starts uttering "I don't care" about serious things, there is a problem that spanking and grounding won't cure. But I did notice a few minutes after getting home, she seemed to get in a better mood. By the next day, home behavior was much more relaxed, less arguing, less resistance to instructions, more friendly. She voluntarily read and did things that didn't require her Ipad. Last night, she got the cane I have to use on occasion, put on my glasses and began imitating me. It was hysterical and we were laughing and having a wonderful time. Two days before I couldn't get a civil word out of her.

I've been praying the same way for my property ever since I've been in this house. I pray a spiritual fence around the property and seal it off. I don't know why I started doing it but I've always done it. I've only done the house twice because I've only felt the need for it twice. I suspect I may do it more often for a while.

This may all seem foolish to you and hokey religion. Just don't tell me it didn't work. She's still struggling with some things and since life is a daily struggle I am sure it will require more work. However, I'm thankful God doesn't take the foolish things lightly. That some ancient rituals are not out of date. Remember Jesus, purging the temple? He physically took a whip and went through the temple court and tossed everything he found abhorrent out, including people and animals. I just used his method in the spiritual world, rather than the physical. That's what cleansing is, removing every dirty thing from your realm and restoring order to it.

Rosh Hashana Reviewed

In May, I went through files of my college writing, mostly to decide what to keep and what to toss. I ran across my freshman English 101 journal. I hated that journal but that's another story.

The journal was mandatory and so a lot of it is drivel - and tediously boring - just to meet the requirement. Still, as with all writing, you run across some hidden gems. This post, in my opinion, is one such gem. I post it here as it was written but with editing. Believe me, it was necessary.

Rosh Hashanah

I spoke with the Rabbi from the local temple about Rosh Hashanah. I was surprised and impressed by what I learned.

Rosh Hashana means New Year. It is a celebration of the creation of the world and is celebrated In Temple by prayer and praising God for the creation. 

The holiday also marks the beginning of the Penitential Week. The week following Rosh Hashanah is spent in reflection of and repentance for the sins of the past year. This would be a time for prayer and good deeds.

In Israel, the holiday is celebrated for one day. In much of the rest of the world, it is celebrated for two days. The holiday ends at Yom Kipper. This is a day of fasting from sunset to sunset, and most of the time is spent in prayer for forgiveness for personal and community sins.

There is a story told about these two holidays. It is said that God writes in a book the names of those who are going to live and those who are going to die. The individual has the week to reflect and repent. After Yom Kipper, the book is closed and sealed until the next year. 

The two holidays are considered the high point of the spiritual year for Jews.
-- October 4, 1989

When Is Rosh Hashanah

This year Rosh Hashana begins at sunset on Sunday, September 9 and ends at sunset Monday, September 10. Yom Kipper begins the following week. 

Summing it Up

Rereading this journal entry, I'm again impressed by this holiday. I understand why it would be the high point of a spiritual journey. In fact, the whole process appeals to me for some reason. I'm a Christian and not Jewish. However, there is a spiritual component to this particular holiday that I feel a connection to that I like. 

Imagine this. What if the whole world took a day to praise God for the creation, which includes humanity, and the following week spent time to ask forgiveness for our personal sins and those of every community? Can you even grasp the impact that would have on the planet? The world would be turned upside down. 

Honestly, it isn't even about being Jewish or Christian. The whole thing feels primal to me as if it is ingrained in my DNA to praise God for the creation. I frequently find myself doing just that. I can be sitting in a park or my backyard, marveling at the beauty that surrounds me. I start thanking God for this magnificent planet and the blessing of it. I usually begin to feel that I'm unworthy of such a gift and ask God to forgive me and help me be a better steward of his creation. It seems natural to do this.

I haven't studied much about Jewish holidays in any real sense and I think the reason for my journal entry was the topic was probably suggested by the professor. I think Jewish holidays float on our calendar so I suspect the date varies year to year. I'm glad I did it and I'm glad I found it again.

How Good is Our God

Did you ever ask yourself that? Did you ever wonder for a second? Or maybe ... maybe you've looked around and said, "How good is our God!" I know I do that every day. Sometimes, when I'm in my car I talk to God and just ride along telling him how very awesome I think he is and how grateful I am for his goodness.

“The Lord is good to all, and his mercy is over all that he has made.” Psalm 145:9

I've been working on reading my Bible every morning. It is a habit I've had trouble with for years. If you're a woman and have an outside job, children, and other responsibilities it seems that there is just not enough time in a day to get everything done. Whenever I have moments I'm not working on something else I try and read. Having an app on my phone and my Kindle has made a huge difference. I still love my "real" Bible but the app can be read or listened to anywhere or anytime and I've noticed a huge increase in my reading time. But back to how good is our God.

“For the Lord is good; his steadfast love endures forever, and his faithfulness to all generations.” Psalm 100:5

His love endures forever? In a world for love comes cheap, that is an astounding claim, isn't it? Furthermore, he is faithful to ALL generations? Love and faithfulness are rare commodities in the 21st century and to find it anywhere is a treasure of immense value. He is always there, always listening, always loving. To know this is such a great comfort, particularly when I don't feel like anyone is there, listening, or loving me. When I feel my most unlovable and most lonely, he's still with me.

  The Lord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah. Psalms 46:7

How many nights have you spent in an ER with someone you loved?  Did you watch their pain and wish you could help in some way? I remember taking Sarah to the ER when she was about seven or eight and she was so sick. They had to put in an IV. As a result of countless hospitalization resulting from febrile seizures as an infant and toddler until she was 6, she has absolute terror or needles. This night, they had to threaten to strap her down to get an IV in. They brought in a huge male nurse and he sat down and talked with her so calmly. He was able to put in the IV without any problems but she was so sick and in pain and the IV was traumatic. I sat there in the dark when they left us to wait and prayed for God to touch her and help her sleep and ease her pain. I was astounded when within 5 minutes afterward, she was sleeping soundly. He does listen and is a refuge in times of stress, fear, and trouble.

Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. Jeremiah 29:12

Sometimes I just want someone to listen to me. I used to vent to my husband and he was so patient and generally just let me rant with little comment. I never realized how much I needed that in my life until it was gone. To be able to release the frustrations and stresses without judgment and criticism was a relief. There were days I'd come home from work after having dealt with a boss that enjoyed making things difficult and making us work harder rather than smarter and who refused to accept responsibility when something went wrong. I had to deal with people who called me names while telling my boss I discriminated because they were black. I'd be so angry at being unable to defend myself against false accusations and having no one to stand up for me. 

When Jerry died, there was no one to absorb the deluge. Maybe you think it was cruel but I did the same for him when he was working. Once he was gone, it took me a while to realize that God is sitting in the passenger seat listening. He's across the dinner table, listening. He's sitting on the sofa next to me, listening. I can dump all the stresses, frustrations, anger, and annoyances at his feet. He can take it. And when it is over, he wraps me in his arms and calms my spirit. I have fewer such stresses these days because I no longer deal with that situation. However, life is still stressful and frustrating, and annoying. God is still here.

“For the Lord is good; his steadfast love endures forever, and his faithfulness to all generations.” Psalm 100:5

So, just how good is our God? There is no end to his goodness. No end to his faithfulness. No end to his love. 

For the LORD is good; his mercy is everlasting; his truth endureth to all generations. Psalms 100:5

Leaving the Graveyard

Summer is almost over and it has not been fun for me. Last summer was a disaster as well. I am praying that on September 22, 2018, the first day of Fall,  my world will right itself and begin to proceed normally. Well, whatever is normal for me.

When my brother died last month I was overwhelmed when I got home for about two weeks. I was forced by circumstances to relive some things I thought I'd put behind me. My husband died a violent death in 2009. His heart attack was not what you see on television. I can't tell you about it even now because reliving it sends me into a terrible state. I have to take a deep breath and move on but I know it is there, almost beyond my awareness. One hopes that someday, I'll be unaware of it but you don't really forget such things. I've learned with each death since that I am going to have to deal with the horrible memories of Jerry's every time. 

The Lord is truly merciful and I'm so thankful He's patient with me about things. I am not. I get so annoyed by things people say. Someone said, "Oh you never get over it. Your life will never be the same." No. It won't. But it will go on. They're no longer a part of it and you are a different person. You don't stop living because they're gone. For a while, you want to but that part goes away. God has blessed us with a powerful will to live. I miss Jerry so terribly some days it is a physical ache. There are times I try and remember what it felt like to hold his hand and feel his arms around me. I can't. Those times pass eventually and I have to move on.

Our own mortality is brought to our awareness when someone dies. We're made to realize that we are running out of time, as well. How can I make the most of my time? That's what I keep asking. I've had a roller coaster of a life. Did I mention I hate roller coasters? Yeah. But life, that's amazing. Pain, heartache, love, excitement, adventures, discoveries, and fear. Lots of fear. Fear of failure, of hurting, of losing, of meaninglessness, of dying. All of that is part of living. We all experience it in random order. I suspect life is what was in the box Pandora opened.

Would I change some things? Oh, you better believe it. But would I really? If I change a path I took as a child, I might have missed knowing someone that made an impact on my life. If I had not gone to the Christmas parade in 1973, I would never have met my husband, had my children, and would never have had a granddaughter named Sarah Cheyenne who brings light to my dark days. If. So many choices but would I change any of them? 

I've thought about this a lot. Would I remove one person, one event, one item from my life?  No. Each thing I try to imagine removing shows me this string of things that would be impacted by that change and at some point, I know. By changing one thing, something important in my life may have been missed. If my mother had not had me, what would have happened? I would not have been blessed with this amazingly, wonderfully, painful life. My favorite movie is "Its a Wonderful Life". It always makes me so very thankful for my life. God has so blessed me with a tremendous and exciting life. 

I make a point to not dwell long on death. I give myself a moment to grieve but I know now that to stay too long in that place, well, Jesus delivered the man living in the graveyard for a reason. I don't think that is a place He wants me to stay for very long. I have realized that, as hard as it seems at times, He wants me to live and make the very best of the time He's given me. "Let the dead bury the dead." 

I'm supposed to live. I'm supposed to make the best of my life. Sometimes it is hard. Lately, I've been struggling with that, trying to figure out what I'm doing. I know some of this is the result of my brother's death. I've hit a wall that I don't understand. I keep pounding on it. 

Sometimes I get lonely and miss Jerry so much. Eventually, I'll sit up, wash my face, and do the laundry. Life, my life goes on. You don't get over the loss of a loved one. You heal. You may carry scars the rest of your life, but you heal. Living is a choice, sometimes a painful one. It takes courage to live. I've learned I'm a lot braver than I thought. 

Recently, I found a new favorite verse. I highlighted it in my Bible. I need to put in on a poster and hang it where I see it every day. 

Micah 7:8 says, "Rejoice not against me, O mine enemy: when I fall, I shall arise; when I sit in darkness, the Lord shall be a light unto me." 

For today, I'll leave the graveyard. There may be some painful days ahead, but hey, that's life. Today, "I shall not die, but live, and declare the works of the Lord." Ps. 118:17

Poetic Justice from the Throne Room

Previously posted in Life on the Ledge - 09/07/2007

There are times when I am listening to the Sunday School lesson that a verse jumps out at me or something the teacher says connects to something I have read in my Bible. The following resulted from a single verse heard in the adult Bible class on a Sunday morning. My revelation had absolutely nothing to do with the lesson that morning.

To understand you have to read Lev. 27:1-34, which I have copied below for your convenience. Basically, the verses relate how the priest were to establish the value of a person, animal, or possession in order to redeem them.

1. And the Lord spake unto Moses, saying,

2. Speak unto the children of Israel, and say unto them, When a man shall make a
singular vow, the persons shall be for the Lord by thy estimation.

3. And thy estimation shall be of the male from twenty years old even unto sixty years old, even thy estimation shall be fifty shekels of silver, after the shekel of the sanctuary.

4. And if it be a female, then thy estimation shall be thirty shekels.

5. And if it be from five years old even unto twenty years old, then thy estimation shall be of the male twenty shekels, and for the female ten shekels.

6. And if it be from a month old even unto five years old, then thy estimation shall be of the male five shekels of silver, and for the female thy estimation shall be three shekels of silver.

7. And if it be from sixty years old and above; if it be a male, then thy estimation shall be fifteen shekels, and for the female ten shekels.

8. But if he be poorer than thy estimation, then he shall present himself before the priest, and the priest shall value him; according to his ability that vowed shall the priest value him.

9. And if it be a beast, whereof men bring an offering unto the Lord, all that any man giveth of such unto the Lord shall be holy.

10. He shall not alter it, nor change it, a good for a bad, or a bad for a good: and if he shall at all change beast for beast, then it and the exchange thereof shall be holy.

11. And if it be any unclean beast, of which they do not offer a sacrifice unto the Lord, then he shall present the beast before the priest:

12. And the priest shall value it, whether it be good or bad: as thou valuest it, who art the priest, so shall it be.

13. But if he will at all redeem it, then he shall add a fifth part thereof unto thy estimation.

14. And when a man shall sanctify his house to be holy unto the Lord, then the priest shall estimate it, whether it be good or bad: as the priest shall estimate it, so shall it stand.

15. And if he that sanctified it will redeem his house, then he shall add the fifth part of the money of thy estimation unto it, and it shall be his.

16. And if a man shall sanctify unto the Lord some part of a field of his possession, then thy estimation shall be according to the seed thereof: an homer of barley seed shall be valued at fifty shekels of silver.

17. If he sanctify his field from the year of jubilee, according to thy estimation it shall stand.

18. But if he sanctify his field after the jubilee, then the priest shall reckon unto him the money according to the years that remain, even unto the year of the jubilee, and it shall be abated from thy estimation.

19. And if he that sanctified the field will in any wise redeem it, then he shall add the fifth part of the money of thy estimation unto it, and it shall be assured to him.

20. And if he will not redeem the field, or if he have sold the field to another man, it shall not be redeemed any more.

21. But the field, when it goeth out in the jubilee, shall be holy unto the Lord, as a field devoted; the possession thereof shall be the priest's.

22. And if a man sanctify unto the Lord a field which he hath bought, which is not of the fields of his possession;

23. Then the priest shall reckon unto him the worth of thy estimation, even unto the year of the jubilee: and he shall give thine estimation in that day, as a holy thing unto the Lord.

24. In the year of the jubilee the field shall return unto him of whom it was bought, even to him to whom the possession of the land did belong.

25. And all thy estimations shall be according to the shekel of the sanctuary: twenty gerahs shall be the shekel.

26. Only the firstling of the beasts, which should be the Lord's firstling, no man shall sanctify it; whether it be ox, or sheep: it is the Lord's.

27. And if it be of an unclean beast, then he shall redeem it according to thine estimation, and shall add a fifth part of it thereto: or if it be not redeemed, then it shall be sold according to thy estimation.

28. Notwithstanding no devoted thing, that a man shall devote unto the Lord of all that he hath, both of man and beast, and of the field of his possession, shall be sold or redeemed: every devoted thing is most holy unto the Lord.

29. None devoted, which shall be devoted of men, shall be redeemed; but shall surely be put to death.

30. And all the tithe of the land, whether of the seed of the land or of the fruit of the tree, is the Lord's: it is holy unto the Lord.

31. And if a man will at all redeem ought of his tithes, he shall add thereto the fifth part thereof.

32. And concerning the tithe of the herd, or of the flock, even of whatsoever passeth under the rod, the tenth shall be holy unto the Lord.

33. He shall not search whether it be good or bad, neither shall he change it: and if he change it at all, then both it and the change thereof shall be holy; it shall not be redeemed.

34. These are the commandments, which the Lord commanded Moses for the children of Israel in mount Sinai.

One must remember that the Bible is filled with connections which at first glance do not appear related at all. For example, it is interesting to note here that the price paid to Judas for betrayal was the redemption price of a woman between the ages of 20 and 60. This is symbolically an insult to Jesus. The high priest would not even pay the price of a man.

My revelation came at verse 28: Anything set apart by the Lord was considered Holy. A person specially set aside by God to be destroyed CAN'T be redeemed; They MUST be put to death. Jesus was set apart by God to be destroyed. According to Levitical Law, he was Holy and could not be redeemed. He had to bear the sins of the world; nothing could change his destiny.

But here is an irony. Judas went to the priest and HE set a value for Jesus life. By doing this a betrayer symbolically stepped into the office of the priest. What is even more shocking is that the Priest actually PAID the redemption price set by Judas and by doing so, they symbolically redeemed Jesus! Something the Law said they could not do! They became, again symbolically, the redeemers of the Savior and transgressors of the Law of Moses.

Poetic Justice from the Throne.

Keep Digging

I've been struggling with somethings this summer, maybe for the whole year. I don't know exactly when I felt the struggle start or what trigger started it. Trigger... such a big word these days. Every time I hear it I see children with their toy cowboy cap pistols, rapid firing or fanning the hammer on them. With each click, there is a small pop and puff of smoke. I just can't get serious about such a word and I'm sure someone will be triggered by it. So be it.

My struggle is of unknown origin, start, contents, and progression. To clarify and reiterate: I have no idea what it is, when it started, how it started, what it consists of, or where I am in the progression of this situation. I just know I'm struggling with something...immovable and impassable.

My vacation in early June didn't help. It was nice but it didn't really make me feel better. My brother's death in July certainly didn't help matters, and in fact, I got worse. Having to travel to the backside of Arkansas in late July for 4 days also only added to the stress. I ended up exhausted after three months of running up and down and to and fro.

In fact, nothing I've tried has helped. It is a strange malady where I appear to be stuck in a void. I'm sorry, that's the best description I can give you. Yes, I've prayed about it. Maybe not as hard as I should have but that is part of the problem. I've actually been reading my Bible a tremendous amount this last year, thanks primarily to an app called YouVersion. It is amazing and for the first time in my life, I'll get the Bible read through in less than a year. Reading the Bible hasn't helped. I have enjoyed it immensely and find that I want to read it more often.

I've been in dark places before. I've struggled with clinical depression and had to self-treat it. I've watched my husband die while I tried to save him. It plunged me into a place as dark and as cold as the grave I put him in. I've had people I love distance themselves from me both physically and emotionally. So, I'm not unfamiliar with heartache and depression. This isn't depression. At least, not like any I've ever felt. This feels like nothing.

There is a place in the Bible, in Deut. 28:23 that says, "And thy heaven that is over thy head shall be brass, and the earth that is under thee shall be iron." While that is a fair description, it isn't quite accurate either. But it is another way of describing this place.

Today we went to church and I really enjoyed the Sunday School lesson and worship service. During worship service pastor went around and shook hands with various people. We're a growing church and I'm sure he doesn't see everyone every time. He hadn't seen me but about once in three months and I'm not sure of that. So, today he stopped and shook my hand and said, "We're praying for you."

I said, "Thank you. I need it. I've been struggling with something personal and need the prayers."

He said, "Well, why don't I just pray for you right now." And he did.

Honestly, I believe in prayer and that God touches us. I wish I could say I felt immediately better but I didn't. God doesn't always act immediately and he has good reasons. We just don't know them.

Pastor moved on and I went back to the worship service. In my case, I think God did do something, and you'll laugh when I say this, but I have no idea what it was.

The service became quite spiritually moving and everyone was praying, singing, and/or worshiping in some fashion. We're Pentecostals so you know it was loud and energetic. Physically I'm not really as able to participate as I once was but as I was standing at my seat praying, I got this image in mind that confused me.

I saw myself before a huge wall. When I say huge, it was so tall I couldn't see the top and it extended right and left beyond my sight. I was on my knees before this wall, digging. There were no doors or windows that I could see and so I was trying to dig either through it or beneath it.

That's it. I didn't understand it but in my mind, I knew that whatever this was, it was a barrier between me and whatever is on the other side. I also knew I had to keep digging. So, that's what I said. I actually prayed it as I stood there. I'll keep digging. I won't stop, no matter what. I won't give up. I'll just keep digging until I find a way through it.

And that's the end of this post. I guess you'll just have to come back to see when I find the answer.

Finding a Way Out of the Fog

I thought I'd share my latest summer vacation photos with you. If it seems a little unclear, you're experiencing exactly what I have experienced.

Isn't that just a photo of ... fog?

Yep.

So, you're saying your summer was foggy? Uhmmm, I seem to remember lots of sun and triple-digit temperatures in your location. Were you somewhere else?

Nope. Well, I visited several states in the southeast but they all look the same.

I'm not following you.

Well, the photos might have been better if you had.

Cute. Your jokes are often quite good. If inappropriate. Let's be serious, because I think you are.

I'm just tired and worn out and feel like everything is out of focus. It feels as if I should see something but this ... this fog is all I'm getting. I have another shot of my life this summer. You want to see it?

Yes?

Here ya go.

Wow.

This is a nice clear shot of everything that has happened this summer. You know, the tornado was probably a sign and I just missed it. From that point on, everything has been in disarray. Chaotic.

You've survived and made it home. 

Yes. A week later my brother didn't.

....

Still no response to that, huh?

I'm not required to answer to you for such things. You can ask all day long but there are some things you are not meant to know. 

They say we'll know someday. I don't really believe that.

Why?

Because if we aren't supposed to know it now, it will be pointless to know it then. The outcome is the same and the reasons won't be important then. I suspect we won't even care. The why of it all will be obsolete.

Obsolete?

We'll be so far removed from the events that knowing the why will cease to mean anything. It won't matter then. The value of knowledge decreases over time. It will be history. And we bury history.

So, it isn't obsolete now?

Maybe but it feels important now. Pain has a way of drawing attention to the source. Time has a way of removing urgency. You reach a point where you know that you're never going to understand and never have a definitive answer. It is what it is. I don't even know sometimes if there is a reason for anything. I think there is, but I could be wrong. So, I've learned that the only thing I can do is leave the bodies behind and keep moving in what I think is a forward direction. But it might be backward. That first photo is pretty much what the road ahead looks like, for me anyway.

Through a glass darkly.

Yeah, well, I'll ask Paul when I see him but I don't think he'll care either. What is done is done and can't be undone. Even if the glass clears, it won't change it. The Great Why is meaningless after the fact. Someone once asked me what I'd ask Jesus when I saw Him. I didn't have an answer then and I don't have one now. I can't think of anything I am dying to know. That is not an intentional pun, by the way.

I'm glad to hear it. So you have nothing you want to ask?

Not at this point. Besides, the Bible says there will be a half hour of silence first. After that, there will be a thousand years of worship. I don't see any place in there where we're allowed to ask questions. There are people who believe it is a mortal sin to question God. So if I can't do it here, why would I be able to do it there? I could ask "Why did you take my Mama? Why did you take my husband? Why did you take my brother? All died before they should have. At least, in my opinion. But the truth is, my opinion is worthless in this matter. It doesn't matter what I think or want. They are gone and nothing I can say or do will change it. And asking why in 1000 years won't change it either. I can only hope I'll be able to see them again. That's all I have. That's all I'll ever have, no matter what else happens.

So, you have hope.

I guess if you want to call it that. I have a fervent desire, an endless craving. But I must be broken because the way my brain works, that's not a comfort. The phrase "it begs the question" comes to mind. Did you put that there?

Maybe. You'll have to think about it.

You know, I love God more than anything. And when you love someone that much, their power over you is tremendous. It means that they have the ability to destroy you or create you. It means that you accept their decision regardless of what that decision is. So, asking you why would be taking that power back. I can't do that. I don't mean I haven't asked: "why." I have, but my head and my heart know you will never tell me and it is extremely painful knowledge. That alone is a kind of grief. But I'd rather throw myself onto the rock than to have it fall on me. Your sovereignty is never in question. In that, I have no doubt. I still bow to your decisions. Even when I don't like them. Even when they hurt me.

I think you'll find your way out of the fog.

I hope you're right. I can't stop and wait for it to clear.

#ConversationsWithHim

The Devil in the Dark

How am I supposed to be thankful today? How can I be glad when death can enter the room anytime he wants and take what is not his. Wherever you are, whatever you're doing, whoever you're with, he can simply walk up and crook his finger and destroy everything.

.......

What? No answer? No response? Nothing to say?

......

Why would you create such a creature? A dark, loathsome thing that has no dignity or manners.

He has barged into my life three times and wrecked it. For what? What did it accomplish? I'm not a better person. I'm worse than I was the day before. I'm broken. Irreparably damaged because pieces of me are missing. I can't ever be put back together. I'm walking wounded, bleeding internally.

Did I say it was a terrible day? The sun shines and the birds sing, and the boiling cauldron we've been in has simmered down a bit. But the shadow cast by that beast does not retreat. No, he leaves his stench everywhere. Sachets of it that burst open as they rot and envelope you in a stinking cloying cloud when you least expect it that chokes you, burns your eyes, and wrings your insides until you want to scream. To what end?

And he cares not who he strikes. Tiny babies and old men. Young men and old women. Beautiful girls and ugly crones. It doesn't matter. I often wonder if the destruction he leaves in his wake gives him pleasure.

Despite what Touched by an Angel would have you believe, death is not an attractive man in a lovely suit holding your hand while you die. He isn't kind, loving, or gracious. He's the uninvited guest at the table. The stalker peering through the windows or around the corner. He's the unconcerned onlooker who watches you as you drown but never moves to rescue you.

Death is not a gentleman. He is the Devil in the dark.

And you created him. Through Him, all things were made, and without Him, nothing was made that has been made. 

There is no comfort for the lives he destroys. Time doesn't heal these wounds. We struggle to keep them covered until the next attack.


Note:
(This blog is, and has always been, my conversations with God. Sometimes they're direct talks, meaning, I am actually talking and leaving a response to my comments that I feel inspired to leave. You can believe they're my own comments if you like. Other times, I simply write about what is in my heart. Today, my heart is wounded and hurting.

My belief is that God always understands where we are coming from. He isn't confused. We might be confused, but He isn't. And when I need to tell him how bad my situation is, He is not intimidated by my anger, frustration, and pain. So, if this post offended you, I'm sorry you're offended. You can talk to Him if you'd like but don't pray for me if you are offended. You aren't serving the same loving, understanding, and patient God that I am. I don't need prayers to strange gods on my behalf.)

#ConversationswithHim

Blue Sky Promises

I am so hungry.

Well, there sure is a lot of food on that table. Where do you want to start?

It isn't real.

So, what is the real problem here? You're hungry. What are you hungry for?

That's just it. I don't know. I've wracked my brain trying to figure out what is wrong and . . . it eludes me.

I've had several calls from you. 

Well, at least now I know you got them.

Now, let's not be flip.

I'm just trying to let you know how I feel.

I got that message, too.

There is this enormous gaping hole I can't fill. And it seems to grow larger every day. I think . . . I think that . . .

That?

I think I'm overreacting and no one really cares, anyway. It's been a pretty rotten day. I slept badly last night and didn't get enough sleep. I got up and had coffee and I fell asleep reading my Bible. I was so tired. I must have slept badly in the chair. A storm moved in and I woke up feeling as if a truck had hit me. I've not been well since.

...

What? No advice? Nothing?

What do you want me to say?

What do I want you to say? Really? I don't even know what I want. Do you expect me to know what you want? In fact, I think that's the problem. What exactly do you expect from me? I'm pretty much useless. I can't do anything I wanted to do. I'm so isolated that I could be on an island and no one would even know. I was in the kitchen and Sarah asked me who I was talking to! I don't even know anymore when I talk out loud to myself or am talking in my head. What do I want you to say? Well, anything would be nice. Or maybe it wouldn't. If it isn't nice, I don't think I want to know. I've had enough of the other stuff.

You're tired. 

I am more than tired. I'm wasted. Hollow. Vacant. Void. Empty. Deserted. Abandoned.

You're not deserted or abandoned. 

Look around here, please. I want to go home and it doesn't even exist anymore except in my head.

You're homesick?

... I don't know. No. It is deeper than that. I want to go back and do one thing differently so that everything will be different. I want what is lost. I want what can't ever be. I want things the way they were before they went wrong.

I see. That's a terrible place to be. An impossible place.

I want to fix all the broken things. And they're all broken. Everything is broken. Even me. And I don't think, no, I know that none of it can be fixed.

You probably ought to think about a new name for this blog. It isn't what it used to be.

Wow. Well, neither am I.

You can't go back. The road only goes forward. You can choose to sit down and stay here. But ... it is a pretty drab spot. Lots of gloomy clouds, darkness hovering just over that hill, and I can't stay here with you. If you stay, you will be alone. 

I know. There is nothing left back there. I watched it burn.

I promise you, there are green pastures ahead. Cool streams. Blue skies. You'll get thru the dark. 

Don't tell me to be patient, please.

I won't. I heard the joke.

#ConversationsWithHim








Note: the joke is "I had patients. They all died."

Who Are You?

I had a thought recently. I can't remember what led to it but I think it was something I read. At any rate, this verse came to mind. 

What then did you go out to see? A man dressed in fine clothes? Look, those who wear fine clothing are found in kings' palaces.  But what went ye out for to see? A prophet? yea, I say unto you, and more than a prophet. Matthew 11:8-9

The verses are a part of a statement issued by Jesus about John the Baptist. The disciples had come with a message from John asking if Jesus was, in fact, the Messiah.  He sent the disciples back to John with a clear answer. He related his miracles, which in essence said, "Yes, that's who I am."

It occurred to me that a lot of people are asking that same question even today. "Who are you?" The question sounds simple but I suspect it is visceral, rather than just curiosity. Perhaps it is incised on our souls and we can't help but ask it?

If you read the whole chapter, you can see that Jesus gives an overview of how the people received John and compared it to his own reception. They saw John's stellar but stringent life and called him a devil. They saw Jesus living life just as those around him, working, spending time with his family, associating with all manner of people and called him a drunkard and a glutton.

I can hear the priest, their voices scathing and looking down their long noses. "Who are you?"  I can hear the cripple, his voice stressed and eyes pleading. "Who are you?"

The frightened, the lonely, the destitute, the wounded, the broken, the dejected, the hopeless, and the lost in the middle of their despair, have screamed the question. "Who are you?"   On my worst days, when the pain is so bad I can't cry, when my body hurts, my heart hurts, and my mind can't hang on to a clear thought I ask the same question. "Who are you?" 

Yes, even those who have believed all their lives have moments when we ask that question. I'm sorry if it offends anyone, but if you say you never asked, I won't believe you. Everyone has experienced a time when the bottom drops out of their world and they don't know which way is up. It is a cliched experience that we all have at some point. Don't worry if you haven't, you will. And in the middle of that moment, when all seems lost and broken, and confusion is smothering the life out of you, the question will be there. From the deepest, darkest core of your being, something will whisper in desperation, "Who are you?"

At some point, you'll hear it. It may not happen instantly. In fact, it may be hours, days, weeks, or years before you hear it but if you're listening, you'll hear it. It will be like a whisper on a breeze, floating into your mind when you are so overwhelmed with life that you can't help but think it.

"Who are you!"

We're not the first to ask.

"Who is like You among the gods, O LORD? Who is like You, majestic in holiness, Awesome in praises, working wonders? Exodus 15:11

All my bones shall say, Lord, who is like unto thee, which deliverest the poor from him that is too strong for him, yea, the poor and the needy from him that spoileth him? Psalm 35:10 

Who is like unto the Lord our God, who dwelleth on high, Psalm 113:5

You'll find the answer buried in the dark and despair, beneath pain and grief, and the weight of hopelessness. You'll have to rip open the wounds, uncover the fear, and relive the thing that brought you to this place. You'll have to dig to find it. For all precious treasures are buried beneath the weight of the world. Hidden from all but the determined seeker.

Who did you come to see?

Great is the Lord, and greatly to be praised in the city of our God, in the mountain of his holiness. Psalm 48:1

For the Lord is a great God, and a great King above all gods. Psalm 95:3 

Ah Lord God! behold, thou hast made the heaven and the earth by thy great power and stretched out arm, and there is nothing too hard for thee: Jeremiah 32:17

Sorting

Wasn't sure you'd show up.

I always do, eventually. 

Been a strange day for me and I don't really understand it. I'm not sure what I'm feeling or even thinking.

Is there a problem bothering you?

Ha, ha, ha! There's always a problem bothering me.

All right. Let me have it.

That's funny. You know, I'd never have guessed you had such a great sense of humor.

Why not?

Oh, I don't know. Might have been the flood or turning people into salt shakers. Kind of lost me on the humor there.

Actually, it was a block of salt and ... well, only one person. She was warned, too.

Oh, yeah. Have to admit the bears eating the kids was kind of funny.

Riiiigghhtt. But you're serious about a problem, right?

Oh, I think it is just the same old thing. Some of it is really stupid stuff. I don't actually want to put on the blog.

Well, I'm surprised at some of the stuff you already put on here.

Uh... is that a joke?

No. 

Oh. OK. I'm just confused on some things and I don't actually know how to clear it up. And yes, I've already been reading the Bible. A lot, actually. It hasn't helped.

Hmmm.

Sister Fletcher, you remember her, she once told me not to try and figure out things but just keep reading and eventually, it would come to me when I needed it.

I suspect she was right. You've had that experience before.

Yeah, but seems like I've become more confused rather than less.

Or maybe you're just impatient. 

{sigh}

Sorry. 

It doesn't matter. I don't even know why I'm writing this. It isn't helping at all. Some of what I intended to address I can't remember now. Waited too long. Probably won't publish this tonight.

Sleep on it. 

**********

I did. Sometimes even sleep won't fix things. I wrote this a couple of weeks ago and things haven't really changed much. I still don't know what is going on but I've simply put it down and left it there. Whatever is bugging me will work itself out.

That or I'll go nuts.

Sometimes you just have to leave the problem to fend for itself. You can't really run away from your problems but you can deliver them to God and let him deal with them.

Yeah, easier said than done. You're talking to the perfectionist fanatic who can't let go of anything. I've got to fix it. I've got to manage it. I've got to take care of... Yeah, that's me. And it leads to the conversations you see above. I'm trying to put things down more. It isn't easy and it is so easy to slip back and pick it up again.

I had a conversation last night. I won't recount it all here but I remember saying that I'm at the end of my rope. There is enough on my plate to feed a small third world country. Probably two of them. What do I have to worry about? I've got food to eat, a warm, dry place to sleep, amenities to make my life so much easier than that third world country. My problems probably wouldn't seem very serious to someone over there. They probably aren't really important to you, either.

I remember a preacher named R. W. Schambach that always said, "You don't have any trouble. All you need is faith in God." I used to listen to him on the radio way back. I discovered his broadcast at a time in my life that I needed spiritual nurturing. I always wanted to think that way but it is pretty hard in the middle of trouble. If I think real hard, I know that I don't have any trouble. I have thorns in the flesh that irritate me but I think I did learn that if I can just let it alone it will heal itself.

Not every problem will fix itself, though. Your problems are probably really bad. I don't have a clue what you're dealing with at all. The children are a problem, the husband's a problem, the neighbors are a problem, your sister-in-law is a problem. Even your sister's husband's uncle's daughter is a problem.

Yeah, I've had those, too. The kids, husband, neighbors, family members have all been a chore to deal with at one time or another. In my family, crazy relatives are our only source of entertainment. And grief. I found if I just let it alone, most of the time, God will handle it.

I wonder sometimes what people are thinking when they do certain things. I wonder sometimes what I was thinking. Most of the crazy things I've done I've kept to myself but I have this overwhelming sense of guilt that constantly eats at me so I don't forget. I don't have any idea how many times I've told God how embarrassed I am about some things only he knows about. But there it is.

There are things I'm trying to stop doing. No, I'm not drinking or smoking or partying. I'm pretty boring. There are just some things that I want to eliminate in my thinking. See, I know how to live for God but there's a lot more to it than what you do. There are all these things in my head that I have to deal with and a there's a lot I'd like to clear out. I've reached a point where I've decided to stop asking for some things and stop entertaining certain things in my thoughts. Truthfully, they aren't things a single person would think anything about. They're just things I think.

I have no point to this post but maybe someone will get something out of it. It is mostly trying to sort it all out. I don't think I have yet. Maybe I won't ever.

#ConversationsWithHim