How Good is Our God

Did you ever ask yourself that? Did you ever wonder for a second? Or maybe ... maybe you've looked around and said, "How good is our God!" I know I do that every day. Sometimes, when I'm in my car I talk to God and just ride along telling him how very awesome I think he is and how grateful I am for his goodness.

“The Lord is good to all, and his mercy is over all that he has made.” Psalm 145:9

I've been working on reading my Bible every morning. It is a habit I've had trouble with for years. If you're a woman and have an outside job, children, and other responsibilities it seems that there is just not enough time in a day to get everything done. Whenever I have moments I'm not working on something else I try and read. Having an app on my phone and my Kindle has made a huge difference. I still love my "real" Bible but the app can be read or listened to anywhere or anytime and I've noticed a huge increase in my reading time. But back to how good is our God.

“For the Lord is good; his steadfast love endures forever, and his faithfulness to all generations.” Psalm 100:5

His love endures forever? In a world for love comes cheap, that is an astounding claim, isn't it? Furthermore, he is faithful to ALL generations? Love and faithfulness are rare commodities in the 21st century and to find it anywhere is a treasure of immense value. He is always there, always listening, always loving. To know this is such a great comfort, particularly when I don't feel like anyone is there, listening, or loving me. When I feel my most unlovable and most lonely, he's still with me.

  The Lord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah. Psalms 46:7

How many nights have you spent in an ER with someone you loved?  Did you watch their pain and wish you could help in some way? I remember taking Sarah to the ER when she was about seven or eight and she was so sick. They had to put in an IV. As a result of countless hospitalization resulting from febrile seizures as an infant and toddler until she was 6, she has absolute terror or needles. This night, they had to threaten to strap her down to get an IV in. They brought in a huge male nurse and he sat down and talked with her so calmly. He was able to put in the IV without any problems but she was so sick and in pain and the IV was traumatic. I sat there in the dark when they left us to wait and prayed for God to touch her and help her sleep and ease her pain. I was astounded when within 5 minutes afterward, she was sleeping soundly. He does listen and is a refuge in times of stress, fear, and trouble.

Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. Jeremiah 29:12

Sometimes I just want someone to listen to me. I used to vent to my husband and he was so patient and generally just let me rant with little comment. I never realized how much I needed that in my life until it was gone. To be able to release the frustrations and stresses without judgment and criticism was a relief. There were days I'd come home from work after having dealt with a boss that enjoyed making things difficult and making us work harder rather than smarter and who refused to accept responsibility when something went wrong. I had to deal with people who called me names while telling my boss I discriminated because they were black. I'd be so angry at being unable to defend myself against false accusations and having no one to stand up for me. 

When Jerry died, there was no one to absorb the deluge. Maybe you think it was cruel but I did the same for him when he was working. Once he was gone, it took me a while to realize that God is sitting in the passenger seat listening. He's across the dinner table, listening. He's sitting on the sofa next to me, listening. I can dump all the stresses, frustrations, anger, and annoyances at his feet. He can take it. And when it is over, he wraps me in his arms and calms my spirit. I have fewer such stresses these days because I no longer deal with that situation. However, life is still stressful and frustrating, and annoying. God is still here.

“For the Lord is good; his steadfast love endures forever, and his faithfulness to all generations.” Psalm 100:5

So, just how good is our God? There is no end to his goodness. No end to his faithfulness. No end to his love. 

For the LORD is good; his mercy is everlasting; his truth endureth to all generations. Psalms 100:5

Leaving the Graveyard

Summer is almost over and it has not been fun for me. Last summer was a disaster as well. I am praying that on September 22, 2018, the first day of Fall,  my world will right itself and begin to proceed normally. Well, whatever is normal for me.

When my brother died last month I was overwhelmed when I got home for about two weeks. I was forced by circumstances to relive some things I thought I'd put behind me. My husband died a violent death in 2009. His heart attack was not what you see on television. I can't tell you about it even now because reliving it sends me into a terrible state. I have to take a deep breath and move on but I know it is there, almost beyond my awareness. One hopes that someday, I'll be unaware of it but you don't really forget such things. I've learned with each death since that I am going to have to deal with the horrible memories of Jerry's every time. 

The Lord is truly merciful and I'm so thankful He's patient with me about things. I am not. I get so annoyed by things people say. Someone said, "Oh you never get over it. Your life will never be the same." No. It won't. But it will go on. They're no longer a part of it and you are a different person. You don't stop living because they're gone. For a while, you want to but that part goes away. God has blessed us with a powerful will to live. I miss Jerry so terribly some days it is a physical ache. There are times I try and remember what it felt like to hold his hand and feel his arms around me. I can't. Those times pass eventually and I have to move on.

Our own mortality is brought to our awareness when someone dies. We're made to realize that we are running out of time, as well. How can I make the most of my time? That's what I keep asking. I've had a roller coaster of a life. Did I mention I hate roller coasters? Yeah. But life, that's amazing. Pain, heartache, love, excitement, adventures, discoveries, and fear. Lots of fear. Fear of failure, of hurting, of losing, of meaninglessness, of dying. All of that is part of living. We all experience it in random order. I suspect life is what was in the box Pandora opened.

Would I change some things? Oh, you better believe it. But would I really? If I change a path I took as a child, I might have missed knowing someone that made an impact on my life. If I had not gone to the Christmas parade in 1973, I would never have met my husband, had my children, and would never have had a granddaughter named Sarah Cheyenne who brings light to my dark days. If. So many choices but would I change any of them? 

I've thought about this a lot. Would I remove one person, one event, one item from my life?  No. Each thing I try to imagine removing shows me this string of things that would be impacted by that change and at some point, I know. By changing one thing, something important in my life may have been missed. If my mother had not had me, what would have happened? I would not have been blessed with this amazingly, wonderfully, painful life. My favorite movie is "Its a Wonderful Life". It always makes me so very thankful for my life. God has so blessed me with a tremendous and exciting life. 

I make a point to not dwell long on death. I give myself a moment to grieve but I know now that to stay too long in that place, well, Jesus delivered the man living in the graveyard for a reason. I don't think that is a place He wants me to stay for very long. I have realized that, as hard as it seems at times, He wants me to live and make the very best of the time He's given me. "Let the dead bury the dead." 

I'm supposed to live. I'm supposed to make the best of my life. Sometimes it is hard. Lately, I've been struggling with that, trying to figure out what I'm doing. I know some of this is the result of my brother's death. I've hit a wall that I don't understand. I keep pounding on it. 

Sometimes I get lonely and miss Jerry so much. Eventually, I'll sit up, wash my face, and do the laundry. Life, my life goes on. You don't get over the loss of a loved one. You heal. You may carry scars the rest of your life, but you heal. Living is a choice, sometimes a painful one. It takes courage to live. I've learned I'm a lot braver than I thought. 

Recently, I found a new favorite verse. I highlighted it in my Bible. I need to put in on a poster and hang it where I see it every day. 

Micah 7:8 says, "Rejoice not against me, O mine enemy: when I fall, I shall arise; when I sit in darkness, the Lord shall be a light unto me." 

For today, I'll leave the graveyard. There may be some painful days ahead, but hey, that's life. Today, "I shall not die, but live, and declare the works of the Lord." Ps. 118:17

Poetic Justice from the Throne Room

Previously posted in Life on the Ledge - 09/07/2007

There are times when I am listening to the Sunday School lesson that a verse jumps out at me or something the teacher says connects to something I have read in my Bible. The following resulted from a single verse heard in the adult Bible class on a Sunday morning. My revelation had absolutely nothing to do with the lesson that morning.

To understand you have to read Lev. 27:1-34, which I have copied below for your convenience. Basically, the verses relate how the priest were to establish the value of a person, animal, or possession in order to redeem them.

1. And the Lord spake unto Moses, saying,

2. Speak unto the children of Israel, and say unto them, When a man shall make a
singular vow, the persons shall be for the Lord by thy estimation.

3. And thy estimation shall be of the male from twenty years old even unto sixty years old, even thy estimation shall be fifty shekels of silver, after the shekel of the sanctuary.

4. And if it be a female, then thy estimation shall be thirty shekels.

5. And if it be from five years old even unto twenty years old, then thy estimation shall be of the male twenty shekels, and for the female ten shekels.

6. And if it be from a month old even unto five years old, then thy estimation shall be of the male five shekels of silver, and for the female thy estimation shall be three shekels of silver.

7. And if it be from sixty years old and above; if it be a male, then thy estimation shall be fifteen shekels, and for the female ten shekels.

8. But if he be poorer than thy estimation, then he shall present himself before the priest, and the priest shall value him; according to his ability that vowed shall the priest value him.

9. And if it be a beast, whereof men bring an offering unto the Lord, all that any man giveth of such unto the Lord shall be holy.

10. He shall not alter it, nor change it, a good for a bad, or a bad for a good: and if he shall at all change beast for beast, then it and the exchange thereof shall be holy.

11. And if it be any unclean beast, of which they do not offer a sacrifice unto the Lord, then he shall present the beast before the priest:

12. And the priest shall value it, whether it be good or bad: as thou valuest it, who art the priest, so shall it be.

13. But if he will at all redeem it, then he shall add a fifth part thereof unto thy estimation.

14. And when a man shall sanctify his house to be holy unto the Lord, then the priest shall estimate it, whether it be good or bad: as the priest shall estimate it, so shall it stand.

15. And if he that sanctified it will redeem his house, then he shall add the fifth part of the money of thy estimation unto it, and it shall be his.

16. And if a man shall sanctify unto the Lord some part of a field of his possession, then thy estimation shall be according to the seed thereof: an homer of barley seed shall be valued at fifty shekels of silver.

17. If he sanctify his field from the year of jubilee, according to thy estimation it shall stand.

18. But if he sanctify his field after the jubilee, then the priest shall reckon unto him the money according to the years that remain, even unto the year of the jubilee, and it shall be abated from thy estimation.

19. And if he that sanctified the field will in any wise redeem it, then he shall add the fifth part of the money of thy estimation unto it, and it shall be assured to him.

20. And if he will not redeem the field, or if he have sold the field to another man, it shall not be redeemed any more.

21. But the field, when it goeth out in the jubilee, shall be holy unto the Lord, as a field devoted; the possession thereof shall be the priest's.

22. And if a man sanctify unto the Lord a field which he hath bought, which is not of the fields of his possession;

23. Then the priest shall reckon unto him the worth of thy estimation, even unto the year of the jubilee: and he shall give thine estimation in that day, as a holy thing unto the Lord.

24. In the year of the jubilee the field shall return unto him of whom it was bought, even to him to whom the possession of the land did belong.

25. And all thy estimations shall be according to the shekel of the sanctuary: twenty gerahs shall be the shekel.

26. Only the firstling of the beasts, which should be the Lord's firstling, no man shall sanctify it; whether it be ox, or sheep: it is the Lord's.

27. And if it be of an unclean beast, then he shall redeem it according to thine estimation, and shall add a fifth part of it thereto: or if it be not redeemed, then it shall be sold according to thy estimation.

28. Notwithstanding no devoted thing, that a man shall devote unto the Lord of all that he hath, both of man and beast, and of the field of his possession, shall be sold or redeemed: every devoted thing is most holy unto the Lord.

29. None devoted, which shall be devoted of men, shall be redeemed; but shall surely be put to death.

30. And all the tithe of the land, whether of the seed of the land or of the fruit of the tree, is the Lord's: it is holy unto the Lord.

31. And if a man will at all redeem ought of his tithes, he shall add thereto the fifth part thereof.

32. And concerning the tithe of the herd, or of the flock, even of whatsoever passeth under the rod, the tenth shall be holy unto the Lord.

33. He shall not search whether it be good or bad, neither shall he change it: and if he change it at all, then both it and the change thereof shall be holy; it shall not be redeemed.

34. These are the commandments, which the Lord commanded Moses for the children of Israel in mount Sinai.

One must remember that the Bible is filled with connections which at first glance do not appear related at all. For example, it is interesting to note here that the price paid to Judas for betrayal was the redemption price of a woman between the ages of 20 and 60. This is symbolically an insult to Jesus. The high priest would not even pay the price of a man.

My revelation came at verse 28: Anything set apart by the Lord was considered Holy. A person specially set aside by God to be destroyed CAN'T be redeemed; They MUST be put to death. Jesus was set apart by God to be destroyed. According to Levitical Law, he was Holy and could not be redeemed. He had to bear the sins of the world; nothing could change his destiny.

But here is an irony. Judas went to the priest and HE set a value for Jesus life. By doing this a betrayer symbolically stepped into the office of the priest. What is even more shocking is that the Priest actually PAID the redemption price set by Judas and by doing so, they symbolically redeemed Jesus! Something the Law said they could not do! They became, again symbolically, the redeemers of the Savior and transgressors of the Law of Moses.

Poetic Justice from the Throne.

Keep Digging

I've been struggling with somethings this summer, maybe for the whole year. I don't know exactly when I felt the struggle start or what trigger started it. Trigger... such a big word these days. Every time I hear it I see children with their toy cowboy cap pistols, rapid firing or fanning the hammer on them. With each click, there is a small pop and puff of smoke. I just can't get serious about such a word and I'm sure someone will be triggered by it. So be it.

My struggle is of unknown origin, start, contents, and progression. To clarify and reiterate: I have no idea what it is, when it started, how it started, what it consists of, or where I am in the progression of this situation. I just know I'm struggling with something...immovable and impassable.

My vacation in early June didn't help. It was nice but it didn't really make me feel better. My brother's death in July certainly didn't help matters, and in fact, I got worse. Having to travel to the backside of Arkansas in late July for 4 days also only added to the stress. I ended up exhausted after three months of running up and down and to and fro.

In fact, nothing I've tried has helped. It is a strange malady where I appear to be stuck in a void. I'm sorry, that's the best description I can give you. Yes, I've prayed about it. Maybe not as hard as I should have but that is part of the problem. I've actually been reading my Bible a tremendous amount this last year, thanks primarily to an app called YouVersion. It is amazing and for the first time in my life, I'll get the Bible read through in less than a year. Reading the Bible hasn't helped. I have enjoyed it immensely and find that I want to read it more often.

I've been in dark places before. I've struggled with clinical depression and had to self-treat it. I've watched my husband die while I tried to save him. It plunged me into a place as dark and as cold as the grave I put him in. I've had people I love distance themselves from me both physically and emotionally. So, I'm not unfamiliar with heartache and depression. This isn't depression. At least, not like any I've ever felt. This feels like nothing.

There is a place in the Bible, in Deut. 28:23 that says, "And thy heaven that is over thy head shall be brass, and the earth that is under thee shall be iron." While that is a fair description, it isn't quite accurate either. But it is another way of describing this place.

Today we went to church and I really enjoyed the Sunday School lesson and worship service. During worship service pastor went around and shook hands with various people. We're a growing church and I'm sure he doesn't see everyone every time. He hadn't seen me but about once in three months and I'm not sure of that. So, today he stopped and shook my hand and said, "We're praying for you."

I said, "Thank you. I need it. I've been struggling with something personal and need the prayers."

He said, "Well, why don't I just pray for you right now." And he did.

Honestly, I believe in prayer and that God touches us. I wish I could say I felt immediately better but I didn't. God doesn't always act immediately and he has good reasons. We just don't know them.

Pastor moved on and I went back to the worship service. In my case, I think God did do something, and you'll laugh when I say this, but I have no idea what it was.

The service became quite spiritually moving and everyone was praying, singing, and/or worshiping in some fashion. We're Pentecostals so you know it was loud and energetic. Physically I'm not really as able to participate as I once was but as I was standing at my seat praying, I got this image in mind that confused me.

I saw myself before a huge wall. When I say huge, it was so tall I couldn't see the top and it extended right and left beyond my sight. I was on my knees before this wall, digging. There were no doors or windows that I could see and so I was trying to dig either through it or beneath it.

That's it. I didn't understand it but in my mind, I knew that whatever this was, it was a barrier between me and whatever is on the other side. I also knew I had to keep digging. So, that's what I said. I actually prayed it as I stood there. I'll keep digging. I won't stop, no matter what. I won't give up. I'll just keep digging until I find a way through it.

And that's the end of this post. I guess you'll just have to come back to see when I find the answer.