Finding My Way

  I wish things were simple. They're not. At all.

On Tuesday, the 16th, I went to church. The message was about Gideon. It's a good story. It's also where we get the term "lay a fleece". 

Gideon sought God's answer to a prayer, and he put a lamb's fleece on the ground. If it got wet, and the surrounding ground dried, he got his answer. The next night he did this again (because obviously it could be a fluke) but this time the fleece stayed dry and the ground wet. 

Somewhere in this sermon, the minister made an odd statement. Well, odd to me. Afterward, I couldn't figure out what came before or after it. 

"When you build the altar, God will provide directions." 

It's nothing. Right? I mean, it's just a comment. It's about Gideon.

But I'm looking for directions. Praying for them multiple times a day. I wash dishes and pray for them. I shower and ask. I drive to the gas station, I spend a lot of time there lately, and pray for directions. IN THE PARKING LOT!

How hard can this be? 

Don't ask.

 At night, after I've turned out the light and tried to sleep. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and pray again for direction. 

Do you know how silent the night is? Think about how silent it is when you can't hear anything. Not a whisper, not a breath, not the gentle whoosh of the heat. Nothing. 

Silence I can handle, relish even.

But this, this dead air, this barrier that nothing gets through. I can't handle this. I can't cope with it. 

I'm aware of my impatience. I know I get frustrated. I KNOW! 

Don't get me wrong. I also know what I'm listening for and how it should sound. I've heard it before, recently in fact. So, the fact that there is nothing is both frustrating and frightening. 

Did I say frightening? I did. 

Trust me. 

Of course, I trust you. Always. 

But you don't. 

I do! I just can't take the silence. Do you hear that? 

Trust me. 

How long? Cause I haven't mentioned it, but ...

I'm aware. Trust me.

I thought I did.

Ah, truth. That's almost as good. 

.....

Trust me, please.

I do. I don't know what else to say. It is what I believe. I do. Really. 

Then wait for directions.

#ConversationswithHim

Detour

 Where are we?

Right here. Walking.

Sorry, wrong question. Why are we here?

I thought you'd enjoy this.

Mmm, yes. It's beautiful. I love the woods. But just days ago, we were in the mountains crawling up the side of a cliff. 

We were. You didn't like it.

No, I did not. 

So here we are. You got a lot of exercise on that climb. Thought this might refresh you.

You said I needed the exercise. So why are we really here?

...

Don't give me the side-eye. You know. 

I know many things. Which one are you referring to?

Oh good Lord.

Thank you. 

Look at this place. Beautiful trees, a lovely path, all fixed for us. 

I like it, too.

So, is this the Valley of the Shadow of Death?

What! Of course not. Why would you think that?

I have some experience.

I see. Well, you're wrong. Again. 

....

That got you, didn't it?

You know I was up at 2 a.m.?

I do. I was there. 

You were very quiet.

Well, with you, I don't get to talk much.

Oh, you did not just say that!

I did. But anyway, you talked to me at two until around three. Then you fell asleep on me 

At least you heard me. And I've been running around like...

A chicken with its head cut off. Yes. But I always hear you. If you'd just sit down a minute and listen.

I keep hearing that. There are so many things I want you to say.

What was that you said?

I want you to say so many things. 

Just so you know, I hear. It isn't time for you to know some things. And some things I don't have to tell you. You're a smart girl. You can figure out quite a few things on your own. Some things you will never know.

Unt...

Not even then.

What do I do? 

First, you go to your girls for dinner. That's far enough for your head to run. ...

What?

You might consider a nap. Before you go to the gym.

Gym? Oh, shoot.

#ConversationswithHim

Raveled Sleave of Care

 You met her, didn't you?

It was an unpleasant experience. She just took over. Totally wrecked me. I'm tired, but I don't think I'll sleep. 

Lie down. Close your eyes and think on these things. 

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. Phillipians 4:8

I am not there. I'm not there. 

I know. But you still have to think on these things. 

You'll have to draw me a map today. I don't know where any of that is. Planet Earth. That's where I am. I don't know if you'll find any of that here. 

I didn't say you had to find them. They are already done. You just have to think about them. 

I ... would it be wrong to say I don't want to look anymore? 

It would be pretty stupid. You're not generally stupid.

I'm in so much pain right now that I am not capable of seeing anything beyond my nose. It's dark where I am. You know I am so messed up. Right? You know this. 

I am all the light you need. 

I'm just going to be honest here. I am in a dark place. No light visible. I know. Sounds disrespectful. That screaming woman? The one I said was behind me? Not anymore. She's in me. She is me. I'm her. 

........

Nothing? 

When you're ready. Go get some sleep.

You know Shakespeare?

I taught him everything he knew.

Right. I had to look it up to remember it all. "Sleep that knits up the raveled sleave of care". From Macbeth. The sleave was a skein of yarn. I've dealt with those, and it isn't that easy either. But OK, I'll go.