Finding My Way

  I wish things were simple. They're not. At all.

On Tuesday, the 16th, I went to church. The message was about Gideon. It's a good story. It's also where we get the term "lay a fleece". 

Gideon sought God's answer to a prayer, and he put a lamb's fleece on the ground. If it got wet, and the surrounding ground dried, he got his answer. The next night he did this again (because obviously it could be a fluke) but this time the fleece stayed dry and the ground wet. 

Somewhere in this sermon, the minister made an odd statement. Well, odd to me. Afterward, I couldn't figure out what came before or after it. 

"When you build the altar, God will provide directions." 

It's nothing. Right? I mean, it's just a comment. It's about Gideon.

But I'm looking for directions. Praying for them multiple times a day. I wash dishes and pray for them. I shower and ask. I drive to the gas station, I spend a lot of time there lately, and pray for directions. IN THE PARKING LOT!

How hard can this be? 

Don't ask.

 At night, after I've turned out the light and tried to sleep. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and pray again for direction. 

Do you know how silent the night is? Think about how silent it is when you can't hear anything. Not a whisper, not a breath, not the gentle whoosh of the heat. Nothing. 

Silence I can handle, relish even.

But this, this dead air, this barrier that nothing gets through. I can't handle this. I can't cope with it. 

I'm aware of my impatience. I know I get frustrated. I KNOW! 

Don't get me wrong. I also know what I'm listening for and how it should sound. I've heard it before, recently in fact. So, the fact that there is nothing is both frustrating and frightening. 

Did I say frightening? I did. 

Trust me. 

Of course, I trust you. Always. 

But you don't. 

I do! I just can't take the silence. Do you hear that? 

Trust me. 

How long? Cause I haven't mentioned it, but ...

I'm aware. Trust me.

I thought I did.

Ah, truth. That's almost as good. 

.....

Trust me, please.

I do. I don't know what else to say. It is what I believe. I do. Really. 

Then wait for directions.

#ConversationswithHim