Never Looking Back

Sometimes we're forced to make choices that we never dreamed we'd make, to do things we never dreamed we'd do. We don't get to choose those times, and we don't have time to think about the decision we make. There is no time to consider it. If we've lived well, we're prepared to make the hard decisions. 

But they're difficult. They hurt.

We can't consider love, family, country, or life. We can't regret. We consider only what is right and truth. Hard, painful truth. The realization of this is nearly unbearable because it means all you know, have ever known, is now behind you. 

And you can't go back. Dare not even look.

If you succeed. And survive it. It will be the measure of your character, of your own integrity, and your determination to hold to truth at any cost. 

Any cost. The sum is staggering. 

When it is done, what remains resembles images of Hiroshima. There'll be nothing left. Not even hope.  No stone upon another. Just keep your eyes on the path and moving toward the light. 

You won't see it. Just remember it is there. Ahead of you. 

Unfinished

 They just keep rolling in, you know?

It's just clouds. 

No. It isn't just clouds. It's stuff. So much stuff and I'm so weary of stuff.

There's sunshine beyond those dark clouds. 

Why can't I see that?

Sometimes you need clouds to shelter you from the harshness of the sun. The rain cleanses you.

What about the weight of those? The rain, the hail, the wind, the destruction?

The clouds pass and the sunshines again. What about the heat? The searing winds that scorch the life out of the grass? Dry air that blisters the skin? 

............. Why must it always be one or the other? Why isn't there a place in the middle where there's no pain, no grief, no hollowness?

There is. You're not there yet. You just have to keep going. 

I'm so tired. Things I used to think mattered don't anymore. I keep looking at everything and wondering why I still bother with it. You know, I've been working on this rug since January. I can only do a bit at time because of the pain in my hands. I'm 15 rows from being finished. Last night I looked at it and thought about just stopping and forgetting those 15 rows. They'll take days, maybe weeks, if my swollen hands have anything to do with it. I can stop now and it's finished. 

Or you can actually finish it, and it will look as you imagined. You will have completed the pattern. Every time you step on it, it will remind you of how hard you worked, the effort it took, and the joy it brings because you finished it. 

I'm not sure it's worth it anymore. It's just a rug. People will walk on it and never notice it except in passing. It will wear out and I'll toss it. No one will remember it, not even me.

Are we still talking about the same thing?

I don't know what I'm talking about. 

#Conversations With Him

Food for Thought

A few weeks ago, May 19th to be exact, I was reading my Bible and had a few thoughts come to mind. I intended to share them then but if I stop reading to do something else I don't go back to it. So I just jotted the thoughts down and continued. Well, I forgot to get back to it. I can't remember the context of what I wrote. However, the importance of the words remains.

Jesus said he was the light of the world, but he also said we were to let our light shine. Light is a funny thing. It illuminates things, makes it easy to see. It also has a unique characteristic. The darker the surroundings, the brighter the light seems. If the light is bright enough, it can actually banish the dark. The dark may still be around us, but as long as we have our light, it can't come near us. When moths see light, they swarm around it for warmth. If our light shines bright enough, it will draw others to our light.

Jesus also said "you are the salt of the earth". Salt is so important to the flavor of most foods. Mashed potatoes, for example, without salt are just a mashed up root. You can add butter to it but it will only be marginally better. No pun intended. You add the salt and you can hand me a fork. 

Salt is also an antiseptic. If you wash a wound in salt water, it will cleanse it and the wound will heal much faster. Salt on window ledges and doorways will keep out ants. Here's the thing. Salt in the box is useless. It must used to be effective. It adds flavor to virtually anything it touches and cleanses. 

Jesus also mentions leaven in the Bible. Leaven is simply another word for yeast. It is necessary in most bread making to make the loaf rise. Leaven, like light and salt, has special properties. First, it is alive. It is a living fungus that, when given sugar and water releases carbon dioxide, and that's what makes bread fluffy. However, if you don't use it, it will die. Once leaven dies, you must throw it out. If you use it, your breads won't rise. They may still be bread, but no one is going to want to eat that.

Light, salt, and leaven. Interesting foods. And the Bible says we are to possess the properties of them all. We should strive to give light to those in darkness, flavor and cleansing to those hungry and wounded, and expand our influence to every person we meet.

 

Unpacking

 I really have to be careful what I pray for these days. I've been working through some things and asking God to remove negative things from my life. Emotions, feelings, thoughts, and people. It seems to be working. Hardly anyone ever calls me anymore. Ha Ha Ha!

Seriously, I've had a few things happen that kind of stopped me in my tracks. One Sunday before I got up for church, I had a dream about some people from my past who caused me a lot of stress and turmoil. In the dream they were very unkind, saying the things they thought about me. I woke so depressed that it affected my entire day. 

Why had I dreamed about people I haven't seen in years and who I didn't really care about? At least I didn't think I cared. I realized pretty quickly that this was about some unopened baggage that I needed to handle. I have since prayed about it and I hope I've donated that luggage to Him. 

Another time memories from another past connection came back to me and overwhelmed me with so much hatred for that person I would have hurt them physically if opportunity and conscience allowed. No, really. It scared me. I prayed about it. I still deal with powerful emotions over it but I'm working to get totally past that. 

This week I'm dealing with trust issues. My childhood contained a lot of traumas. My grandparents raised me. They were Mama & Daddy. Daddy drank a lot on the weekends and on every holiday. Those days are full of terrible memories. My parents basically left me, move in opposite directions, and never looked back. All the people I relied on, except Mama, failed me. Other relatives stepped in where they could to fill gaps. Still, the result is I grew up believing if something needed doing, I'd be better off doing it myself. And if I wanted it done right, I definitely had to do it myself. I trust no one to solve my problems or resolve anything. It affected my life and the lives of my family. 

This is what hit me in the last 24 hours. 

"You don't trust me either."

"But I do!"

"Think about it for a moment."

I did. "No, I do trust you."

"You've asked me several things several times. And you've instructed me on how to resolve the issues."

"Well, yes, but..."

"Do you really think I don't know what I'm doing?"

"No, I know you do. I just want you to understand what I'm asking."

"Uh, I understand English, even your drawling vowels."

"Ouch."

"Sorry but you need to realize that I'm not any of those people who let you down."

"I know that! I never thought that."

"Yes, somewhere, deep down inside, you don't trust me to handle your problems. You are so afraid the outcome will not be up to your expectations. You want to handle it yourself. Then you would know it was done correctly."

"No. I can't fix these things. I can't do them. Only you can."

"Then let me do it. And let me do it my way. And on my timeline."

..........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

"You're right. I have trust issues. I don't trust me either. I don't trust me to make the right decision. I don't trust other people to do the right thing. I don't trust anyone. I don't know how. I know you take care of me, have provided for everything I need."

"But you don't think I can fix the concerns you've expressed to me."

"No."

"Thank you!"

"For what?"

"Being honest. You'd be surprised how many people think they can fool me."

"No. I'm probably one of them."

"Half the battle is admitting you have a problem."

"I have several."

"One thing at a time, please. Trust me!"

"Help me."

"I can't if you don't trust me."

"Oh. Well,.... can we talk about this time thing?"

"No!"

"But I really don't think I have that much time left."

"This isn't a production line! And if it were, you're not in charge."  

"Right. You're right."

"You only get points for telling the truth once."

"I'm going to do better. Really."

"I trust you."

"Oh.....

 

#ConversationswithHim

What You Can't See

"Just leave the back door open."

I had a guy come out to check on capturing the critter under the house. Mike found someone, but it's going to be expensive.

Nature can be pretty destructive, even unintentional. That is a nice, spacious apartment under the house. Even a homeless person would be glad to get it.

Uh... 

You try living under a bridge in the summer.

Well, yeah, I guess that's true. But I don't have a homeless person living under there. Thank God!

You're welcome. 

I don't really know what is under there. He said he'd catch it, whatever it is. You don't happen to know what it is?

Silly girl! Of course I do. I just like surprises.

Uh...

Listen, life is bursting with things you don't know. And ...

I'm not happy about it.

Yes, but that's not where I was going. As I was saying, the unexpected happens, things get under the house.

In 30 years it has only been cats and bugs! Not some beast trying to get inside through the floor or duct work!

Be quiet.

Yes ... sir.

Sometimes you people leave an opening and a critter gets inside. Or you entice them in with treats ... donuts, candy, cookies. The only option is to leave it alone or get it out. Sometimes you need an exterminator. 

Yes, sir.

Whatever the thing is, isn't really important. It's destructive. You must get rid of that thing or it'll damage the property. 

Uh ... there's a message here, isn't there?

I can see you're tired. Should I come back?

NO! I mean, don't go yet. I'm working on it. I'll figure it out. 

You know, what you can't see can be pretty destructive. Whether it is under the house or inside ... you. You must check for cracks in the foundation, damaged mortar joints, leaky roofs, and broken windows. All are access points for things to get in. 

Ahhhh........! Why are you smiling?

Because you always get there, eventually.

Thank you, sir.

You don't have to call me sir.

I don't?

Of course not. Lord will do. 

That's a joke, right? Cause I'm not laughing until I'm sure. By the way, I don't have a cracked foundation, do I?

Looks fine to me, but keep your eyes open. 

#ConversationsWithHim

When the Battle is Over

 I had a thought this morning when I was cleaning the cat box.

I heard.

I've had so many things happen in my life that nearly broke me. I know people say that sort of thing, even Paul did. 

Human nature to think about our past and what made us who we are, especially when we don't really like who we are. 

Actually, I do like who I am. I am not perfect by any scope of the imagination. I'm perfectly flawed. 

You stole that line.

Sort of. 

Something is on your mind. Why don't you tell me?

I'm trying to figure out how to word it. My thought was that something really hates me and has been trying for a long time to break me. I don't know why. I'm nobody, have no followers, no fame. I'm the epitome of a nobody. But I was never wanted. In fact, I probably shouldn't be here.

I wouldn't have put you here if I did not intend you to be here. 

That implies a purpose. 

Yes. 

It got lost somewhere.

No.

My mother and Dad weren't married, but when he found out, did the honorable thing. They'd only had one date, for heaven's sake. She walked away after six months. From the hospital, you put me in the hands of the greatest mother I could have asked for, my beautiful Mama. 

I knew she'd care for you as if you were her own. 

I never felt less than that. But you gave me an alcoholic, Daddy. Sober, no finer man lived. But....

He was perfectly flawed. And we talked before the end. You knew you were loved. 

But never felt like I belonged anywhere. And you took her too soon. 

She gave you what you needed. You learned to be independent earlier than most. 

I couldn't bake biscuits!

But you could iron a white shirt. Besides, you didn't really need the biscuits. 

You're so funny. 

And I sent Jerry.

Oh, yes. My knight in shinning armor. So many memories. Good, bad, and terrible memories. And you took him too soon, too. 

He should have told you. 

Yes. He should. 

Where is this going? 

I had a childhood filled with me doing things that could have killed a normal child. And with trauma no child should experience. Alcohol is a monster that no one sees but the victims. Right up till Mama died, we lived with that monster. I remember islands of happiness and a sea of sadness. Then Jerry and I had so many hurdles to get past. I wish I'd had more advice from Mama. I had to battle for everything, and there were some terrible heartaches involved with keeping it together. Twice we nearly ended it. We worked through it. But in the end, I don't know if he knew how very much I loved him. He was too busy hiding the truth from me. I was so angry because I didn't understand what was happening. I'm still angry.

You're wasting energy on that. 

I don't have Mama to tell me how to stop. Ah, then there was the lost child, the two brushes with death. Two problem pregnancies and a child with a learning disorder and hearing problem. Top all that off with battles with bullies, school corporations, and depression and you have a stew of vast proportions. Children who get involved with the wrong people and drugs. I survived their youth with many wounds. 

Everyone has wounds.

Why?

Because battles cause wounds and leave scars. 

There was a bright fairy that dropped in who made the world livable, pain bearable. Then in walks Death. After that, things go really dark with only one little bright star to light the sky. Until that too disappeared. I still battle, but other unwelcome things. I get exhausted and I could sleep for days.

And as I cleaned the cat box, I realized that something really ugly hates me, always has, and has spent years wearing me down. I've survived every battle. There are so many scars than if I could actually see them, I'd look like something from a nightmare. {sigh}

Ah, the famous sigh! I haven't seen it for a while. That's probably a good sign. It means you're not giving up.

You know I never stop fighting. I may flag for a time, but stopping is not an option.

I do! You are a fierce fighter. 

Right now, I feel that I'm digging trenches. In fact, it feels like I've always been digging trenches. I'm tired. I'm dirty. There are things out there, ugly little things that snarl and snap at me. 

But you're a very good shot. You keep them at bay. 

There is a price. 

I know about the price of things. No free lunches is the human term. It's very true.

Something has spent a lot of time, effort, and energy to get at me. No, I don't stop and I won't stop. I do not care what it cost me. No, that's not true. I will care. I simply can't let that stop me. 

I'm astonished.

Remember Jephthah?

I do.

I wrote a paper about him in college. I could never forget him. He fought when no one else would. But he was careless with his words, never really considering the outcome would be so costly. He fought regardless. So, I will continue to fight the battles. But I know that the cost may be very high, but not fighting is not an option. I just get so tired.

I know.

Maybe when the last battle is done . . .

We'll do lunch. Maybe a picnic with all our friends and family. 

That sounds like heaven.

Funny you should say that.

#ConversationsWithHim

I'm So Sick!

I’ve been praying for some people specifically lately. Several contacts have health issues and others I pray for as a matter of course. Family is on the list, as are my pastor’s family and my friends. As I prayed for a specific problem, I realized I wasn’t actually praying about the “illness”. I was praying for a “symptom.” 

That thought stopped me in my tracks. 

With all my health problems, I can’t see any of them. They’re internal: immune system, liver, joints, ligaments. I have a disease that's invisible to everyone. I can see the damage to joints, feel the intense pain in my joints and ligaments, experience the brain fog, fatigue, and constant aches. That isn't the disease. Those are all symptoms of a more serious problem. 

When we see sin in anyone’s life, we’re not seeing the problem. We’re seeing a symptom of an underlying disease. The spiritual problem is not visible, maybe not even to the victim. Many people think they’re “all right”. If you point out something you see as wrong, they may tell you don’t know what you're talking about. May, in fact, say you have a problem.

Many cancer patients don’t know they’re sick until they’re in Stage 4. That’s basically a death sentence. They may not even have visible symptoms until they’re weeks from death. Horrible to contemplate that you may die and never realize you're sick. 

Behavior is not the illness. There are people who are so sweet and kind, but in their heart may be the darkest intents. You only see the pretty package. What people do may be unpleasant, unkind, or evil, but those things are a symptom of a much deeper, much more serious sickness. 

I think the Lord checked my spirit on this issue because I spend a lot of time praying for symptoms. “Oh Lord, heal the pain!” or “Oh Lord, keep them from doing that!” 

In John 11:4 they called Jesus to pray for a very ill Lazarus and he told them, “This is not a sickness that will kill him but will glorify God.” But he died. Still, Jesus went and wept at the tomb. Not because Lazarus was dead, but because of their lack of faith. Then he prayed for Lazarus. He didn’t ask for Lazarus healing. He went straight to the source. “Lazarus, come here.” He completely ignored the illness that killed him.

In Luke 8: 48-55 Jairus called on Jesus to heal his dying daughter. We don’t even know what was wrong with her, and she died before her father finished telling Jesus the problem. When he went to the house, he again ignored the symptoms. He just told her to get up. Then he told them to feed her, the only symptom he addressed! It probably wasn't a symptom, but she may not have been able to eat for a while.

So, your loved one drinks and smokes. That is not the illness! It is a symptom of a much deeper problem. They lie and steal. Horrible! That is not the illness! When we pray for people, we need to stop focusing on their symptoms and address the problem we can’t see. What is the underlying issue? This is what a physician does daily. What diseases do the symptoms indicate? 

“I’M SICK!” Certainly you can pray for relief from the symptoms, but don’t stop there. Pray for deliverance from the spiritual illness that is killing them. Pray for the hidden diseases that may wrack the body. Pray the condition of the heart, mind, and soul! 

Why? Because when the disease disappears, the symptoms will disappear. 

Whose Purpose?

Last Wednesday, February 3rd, I sat down to do my morning devotional. I don't remember what was going on. I find nothing specific posted anywhere. What I do remember is the thought that popped into my head just as I got comfortable. 

"God has placed you in this place at this time for His purposes, not yours."

It sort of made me flinch. It is a hard thing to hear, like a splash of ice water in the face. I don't like to admit that I know what it meant, but I did. I wrote it down.

I struggle with raison d’être* constantly, never satisfied because I find none. That's a French expression and means the most important reason or purpose for someone or something's existence. I have never, ever in my entire life felt that I belonged anywhere, or that there was a purpose for my being here. Never. A few times it felt as if I was about to discover it. But it quickly passed, leaving me feeling useless.

But the statement stung. Still, I moved forward with my devotional and Bible reading, burying the emotions seething beneath the surface. 

As soon as I began to read, two quotes hit me in the same aching place in my chest.

"Sometimes a storm in your life is what will blow you to the place you are longing to be."—Beth Moore.

"Sometimes when you're in a dark place, you think you've been buried. But you've actually been planted."—Christine Cain.

Reading this all again is painful. I hate the nagging sense of no purpose, no reason. I am a person of facts and reason. There has to be a purpose, a point, a reason for everything in the universe. If there isn't, life is a waste of time and nothing matters. Plants grow for a reason. The sky is blue for a reason. Ants build nests for a purpose. EVERYTHING has purpose, a raison d’être.

I remember now what my thoughts were that morning. Nothing matters. There is no point... to me, to my life, to anything at all. Things are such a mess that there can't possibly be any purpose to anything. Especially me. My whole life I've looked for something, some solid ground to plant my feet on and say, this is why I'm here. I matter, even when everyone and everything makes me think I don't. My eternal scream of WHY!

Storms and dark places, indeed. When does it all end? I get so exhausted by it all. 

And then.....

"God has placed you in this place at this time for His purposes, not yours."

Girl, get over yourself.