Who Are You?

I had a thought recently. I can't remember what led to it but I think it was something I read. At any rate, this verse came to mind. 

What then did you go out to see? A man dressed in fine clothes? Look, those who wear fine clothing are found in kings' palaces.  But what went ye out for to see? A prophet? yea, I say unto you, and more than a prophet. Matthew 11:8-9

The verses are a part of a statement issued by Jesus about John the Baptist. The disciples had come with a message from John asking if Jesus was, in fact, the Messiah.  He sent the disciples back to John with a clear answer. He related his miracles, which in essence said, "Yes, that's who I am."

It occurred to me that a lot of people are asking that same question even today. "Who are you?" The question sounds simple but I suspect it is visceral, rather than just curiosity. Perhaps it is incised on our souls and we can't help but ask it?

If you read the whole chapter, you can see that Jesus gives an overview of how the people received John and compared it to his own reception. They saw John's stellar but stringent life and called him a devil. They saw Jesus living life just as those around him, working, spending time with his family, associating with all manner of people and called him a drunkard and a glutton.

I can hear the priest, their voices scathing and looking down their long noses. "Who are you?"  I can hear the cripple, his voice stressed and eyes pleading. "Who are you?"

The frightened, the lonely, the destitute, the wounded, the broken, the dejected, the hopeless, and the lost in the middle of their despair, have screamed the question. "Who are you?"   On my worst days, when the pain is so bad I can't cry, when my body hurts, my heart hurts, and my mind can't hang on to a clear thought I ask the same question. "Who are you?" 

Yes, even those who have believed all their lives have moments when we ask that question. I'm sorry if it offends anyone, but if you say you never asked, I won't believe you. Everyone has experienced a time when the bottom drops out of their world and they don't know which way is up. It is a cliched experience that we all have at some point. Don't worry if you haven't, you will. And in the middle of that moment, when all seems lost and broken, and confusion is smothering the life out of you, the question will be there. From the deepest, darkest core of your being, something will whisper in desperation, "Who are you?"

At some point, you'll hear it. It may not happen instantly. In fact, it may be hours, days, weeks, or years before you hear it but if you're listening, you'll hear it. It will be like a whisper on a breeze, floating into your mind when you are so overwhelmed with life that you can't help but think it.

"Who are you!"

We're not the first to ask.

"Who is like You among the gods, O LORD? Who is like You, majestic in holiness, Awesome in praises, working wonders? Exodus 15:11

All my bones shall say, Lord, who is like unto thee, which deliverest the poor from him that is too strong for him, yea, the poor and the needy from him that spoileth him? Psalm 35:10 

Who is like unto the Lord our God, who dwelleth on high, Psalm 113:5

You'll find the answer buried in the dark and despair, beneath pain and grief, and the weight of hopelessness. You'll have to rip open the wounds, uncover the fear, and relive the thing that brought you to this place. You'll have to dig to find it. For all precious treasures are buried beneath the weight of the world. Hidden from all but the determined seeker.

Who did you come to see?

Great is the Lord, and greatly to be praised in the city of our God, in the mountain of his holiness. Psalm 48:1

For the Lord is a great God, and a great King above all gods. Psalm 95:3 

Ah Lord God! behold, thou hast made the heaven and the earth by thy great power and stretched out arm, and there is nothing too hard for thee: Jeremiah 32:17

Sorting

Wasn't sure you'd show up.

I always do, eventually. 

Been a strange day for me and I don't really understand it. I'm not sure what I'm feeling or even thinking.

Is there a problem bothering you?

Ha, ha, ha! There's always a problem bothering me.

All right. Let me have it.

That's funny. You know, I'd never have guessed you had such a great sense of humor.

Why not?

Oh, I don't know. Might have been the flood or turning people into salt shakers. Kind of lost me on the humor there.

Actually, it was a block of salt and ... well, only one person. She was warned, too.

Oh, yeah. Have to admit the bears eating the kids was kind of funny.

Riiiigghhtt. But you're serious about a problem, right?

Oh, I think it is just the same old thing. Some of it is really stupid stuff. I don't actually want to put on the blog.

Well, I'm surprised at some of the stuff you already put on here.

Uh... is that a joke?

No. 

Oh. OK. I'm just confused on some things and I don't actually know how to clear it up. And yes, I've already been reading the Bible. A lot, actually. It hasn't helped.

Hmmm.

Sister Fletcher, you remember her, she once told me not to try and figure out things but just keep reading and eventually, it would come to me when I needed it.

I suspect she was right. You've had that experience before.

Yeah, but seems like I've become more confused rather than less.

Or maybe you're just impatient. 

{sigh}

Sorry. 

It doesn't matter. I don't even know why I'm writing this. It isn't helping at all. Some of what I intended to address I can't remember now. Waited too long. Probably won't publish this tonight.

Sleep on it. 

**********

I did. Sometimes even sleep won't fix things. I wrote this a couple of weeks ago and things haven't really changed much. I still don't know what is going on but I've simply put it down and left it there. Whatever is bugging me will work itself out.

That or I'll go nuts.

Sometimes you just have to leave the problem to fend for itself. You can't really run away from your problems but you can deliver them to God and let him deal with them.

Yeah, easier said than done. You're talking to the perfectionist fanatic who can't let go of anything. I've got to fix it. I've got to manage it. I've got to take care of... Yeah, that's me. And it leads to the conversations you see above. I'm trying to put things down more. It isn't easy and it is so easy to slip back and pick it up again.

I had a conversation last night. I won't recount it all here but I remember saying that I'm at the end of my rope. There is enough on my plate to feed a small third world country. Probably two of them. What do I have to worry about? I've got food to eat, a warm, dry place to sleep, amenities to make my life so much easier than that third world country. My problems probably wouldn't seem very serious to someone over there. They probably aren't really important to you, either.

I remember a preacher named R. W. Schambach that always said, "You don't have any trouble. All you need is faith in God." I used to listen to him on the radio way back. I discovered his broadcast at a time in my life that I needed spiritual nurturing. I always wanted to think that way but it is pretty hard in the middle of trouble. If I think real hard, I know that I don't have any trouble. I have thorns in the flesh that irritate me but I think I did learn that if I can just let it alone it will heal itself.

Not every problem will fix itself, though. Your problems are probably really bad. I don't have a clue what you're dealing with at all. The children are a problem, the husband's a problem, the neighbors are a problem, your sister-in-law is a problem. Even your sister's husband's uncle's daughter is a problem.

Yeah, I've had those, too. The kids, husband, neighbors, family members have all been a chore to deal with at one time or another. In my family, crazy relatives are our only source of entertainment. And grief. I found if I just let it alone, most of the time, God will handle it.

I wonder sometimes what people are thinking when they do certain things. I wonder sometimes what I was thinking. Most of the crazy things I've done I've kept to myself but I have this overwhelming sense of guilt that constantly eats at me so I don't forget. I don't have any idea how many times I've told God how embarrassed I am about some things only he knows about. But there it is.

There are things I'm trying to stop doing. No, I'm not drinking or smoking or partying. I'm pretty boring. There are just some things that I want to eliminate in my thinking. See, I know how to live for God but there's a lot more to it than what you do. There are all these things in my head that I have to deal with and a there's a lot I'd like to clear out. I've reached a point where I've decided to stop asking for some things and stop entertaining certain things in my thoughts. Truthfully, they aren't things a single person would think anything about. They're just things I think.

I have no point to this post but maybe someone will get something out of it. It is mostly trying to sort it all out. I don't think I have yet. Maybe I won't ever.

#ConversationsWithHim

The Last Day - Reviewed

I first wrote this on December 31, 2008, about three weeks before my husband died. In hindsight, it was almost prophetic. The world has become more like this that it was in 2008. I wish the darkness had passed by now and we were in a new day. We are not. Instead, we're still sitting there waiting for the darkness to pass. I fear many of us will not live to see that new day.

The Last Day

We finally reach it - our last day. Mankind had reached a nadir while above the sun is shining. On the horizon is darkness and one can only wonder what lies ahead for us all. Will we go on? Was there a better place waiting? Or would the crouching darkness devour our very souls? What will we do?

The last year has been one of radical change, chaos, and confusion. We'd weathered it but there were many wounded and many battle-scarred. Some had died on the field. Even the earth had been assaulted. The villages and towns that still stood were reeling under fiscal problems, energy crises, and joblessness. In many places, children cried for food while famine raged in the land. Wars among factions had only increased, their participants splintering skirmishes around the globe.

Terror had become a raging monster fed by a demonic mindset. Children had lain bleeding or dismembered in the streets, a sacrifice to a violent god filled with hatred and minds so twisted by their fables that they believe a lie and are damned themselves.

I scanned the horizon, looking for some sign, some rising star, some glimmer of hope. I saw none. We had obliterated hope along with faith. No one prayed anymore for peace and safety because there was no longer a God to pray to. Or if there was, He must remain hidden in case someone actually grasped His garments in desperation and began to believe in Him. Goodness was servant to selfishness. Mercy lay dying on the altar of intolerance, bigotry, and self-righteousness. No longer was there freedom to speak without fear. No longer could one assert a righteous indignation without fear of reprisal or accusations of religiousness. Death lurked around every corner waiting for a willing participant to utilize his tools.

I sat down on the rotting stump of an ancient oak. It had stood many centuries, growing tall, strong, and full. Its branches had sheltered many from storms, given shade to the weary travelers, and lifted up a multitude of downcast eyes. But long ago they'd begun to hew it down. It had taken a couple of generations to succeed but finally, they had chopped it down and burned the carcass. Only the stump remained, a slowly rotting reminder of a time when people actually believed in something good. When ideals, dreams, and hopes were allowed to flourish without dissension.

The sun was lower in the west now, near the time when the darkness would be complete. From the East, it had begun to crawl along the ground, reaching long probing fingers toward us. We stood and watched, making no effort to greet it and none to stop it. I knew that it would overtake us but some part of me continued to search along that dividing line between light and dark, as a thirsty animal searches for a watering hole. Still, I saw nothing but approaching darkness. The light behind me dimmed further as the power of that darkness began to overwhelm it.

Then, it came. One moment a fleeting glow suddenly shut out by overwhelming blackness the consistency of tar. My heart pounded so hard I knew others must hear but I couldn't see beyond my outstretched fingertips. I felt tears course down my cheeks and my stomach twisted in knots as I stood in a night deeper than any well I'd ever seen. I had no measure of how long it lasted because without the sun time didn't exist.

Just as the last flame of hope in my heart began to gutter like a candle in the wind, I raised my head and hands and strained my eyes to the void. Suddenly, from the farthest reaches of the heavens came a tiny flicker, so faint it would have been undetectable to the casual observer. But I was searching for that flicker and as I watched through blinding tears, it grew and expanded and blazed forth with gathering strength, until it broke through the darkness and glowed brightly -a single star in a vast expanse of nothingness. All around me I heard gasps as first one, and another and then, another star broke through until all the heavens were filled with brilliant starlight, their beams stretching to touch one another.

I looked at the horizon again and saw where the earth and sky formed a line and stars blinked along it the way diamonds do on a necklace. I turned back to my ancient stool for a seat to observe the wonder of it all. At the base of the stump, where gnarled roots snaked away and into the ground, a single green stalk now stood. Tender green leaves had unfurled during the long dark night and now began to reach to the lightening sky.

Then, it came, blazing from the east and banishing the darkness to the depths. A fresh breeze began to blow and dawn came with a chorus of songbirds. We were here.

Now, what will we do?