Walls

I've had a kind of rough week. There are things that have just been too burdensome to deal with and I wanted to just sit down in the middle of the road and give up. I wanted to stop and never take another step. I am so exhausted and the load isn't getting lighter. I went to church today with this mentality.

For months now, I've been pounding away at this stainless steel wall. I can't make a dent in it. I see myself hammering at it and trying to dig under it. At one point I thought, this isn't a wall! This is a room! And I can't get out. It frightened me. Not the criminal at the door kind of fear. Something baser and more nebulous. Feral comes to mind. Perhaps the steel walls served a purpose.

Regardless of my imagination, I've been feeling trapped and overwhelmed. Sometimes, being adept at handling lots of problems well can be a handicap. In the last year, I think I reached my saturation point. Since then, I've been leaking all over the place.

Yes, I've prayed about it. But locked in a steel room with no exits, nothing much gets out. And not much gets in, either. However, I'm nothing, if not persistent. I keep hammering away.

This is the state of mind I've been in all week. I have had enough. I'm tired. I'm sore. I'm frustrated. I'm defeated. This is the mood I went to church in.

Well, they always say Jesus wants us to come as we are, so I did. Yes, he met me there, and it was a comfort. It didn't solve my problems. If didn't really fix anything, at least not that I noticed. What you need to understand is that despite all my failures, I'm still the same manager I've always been. What changed is my support system and I've been adjusting to that ever since. The support or absence of.

The problem may be that I'm at the period that comes around every year. November through February. Holidays are horrible and my wedding anniversary is the 11th of January, right in the middle of the most family orientated celebrations. I have no family except my granddaughter, my son, and my sister left. Everyone is 12 hours away or dead. My sister works crazy hours, so I never see her. So, the isolation makes things much harder. Throw in that steel room and you have a lovely recipe for neuroticism. But I'm OK. I'm always OK.

When an older lady at church walked up and asked me how I was today I said, "I'm OK." She looked at me a minute and said, "No, you're not. Your eyes show it." Well, you can't fool the wise. I admitted it to her but said, "I'll be fine."

I don't know if I'll be fine but I have to hang on. I have to keep hammering at the walls. I said church helped. And it did. The Lord blessed me by his presence and I take great comfort from that. The lesson this morning was the story of Joshua when Israel was in a battle and he ordered the sun and moon to stand still. I think the point was that sometimes you have to say "Stop" and mean it. He didn't ask God to make them stand still. Joshua ordered them to stop moving. They did. He didn't question it and God did it.

One often forgets that Joshua was the kind of guy that just expected things to happen. He didn't order the walls of Jericho to come down. He told the people to march. The walls fell.

There is a message in there somewhere. I'm sure. 

This afternoon, when I got on to browse, I stumbled across an old post. This happens a lot, and it is usually a good thing. The post was a reminder that no matter how bad it gets, I'm still blessed. No, it won't make things better. It might make me better. I'm blessed far beyond anything God promised to do. Things look bad but God always comes through. I'm sure there is a door somewhere in that wall. I just have to keep looking. 

A Terrifying Adventure

Well, that was uneventful.

You were expecting fireworks?

One does on New Year’s. I heard a few explosions so wasn’t a total bust but that stomach bug wasn’t nice.

You’re tired. You haven’t slept in 24 hrs.  

I know. I’m going to bed soon, though. I had something I needed to do.

Really?

Mm, yes. I wanted to take a minute to tell you how very grateful I am to see the start of a new year. I’m so thankful for all you have carried me through and all the provisions you’ve made for me. 

You’re welcome. There were a few times I wondered. 

Yes, about that. I’m sorry. I get so overwhelmed these days. There was a time when I could handle a lot more but ... that’s long gone. I’m tired of trying to be perfect and to cope with ... everything. But I am glad you’ve kept me safe, provided for my needs, and blessed me with your presence. You are my anchor.

Well, it makes me happy to help you. But you know, you don’t have to be perfect or cope with everything. You could try letting me handle more of it. 

It frightens me when I can’t control things that need control. I once thrived on handling all the problems, now I can’t seem to deal with the simplest ones. And those big ones, I can’t begin ...

Then don’t. Just let them go. You’ve been trying to do that more. I’ve noticed. But you have a long way to go. Some things you can’t fix.  

I’ve taken care of things so long. What if something goes wrong? What if something bad happens? I can’t risk letting my guard down. There are people who depend on me.

Yes, I know. They all trust you. Now, why don’t you trust me. I’ve got big shoulders. 

I do. I’m trying. Sometimes we need a real human hug and real human shoulders. It is what I miss most of Jerry. When it got hard, there were those hugs and shoulders. 

Stop looking back. Face forward, one foot in front of the other. Today is the first day of a new year. Here, just take my hand. 

I don’t know what’s ahead.

For now, there’s nothing ahead. Today is all there is. The future is not formed yet. It is only a series of potential events shaped by those who move forward, into it. You can turn left or right and that decision is the catalyst. What lies ahead only takes shape as you move through it. Stop trying to see what doesn’t exist.  

I never thought about it like that. It’s a little terrifying.

All adventures are terrifying. The adventure keeps you moving. 


#ConversationsWithHim

The Morning the Memo Arrived

On Saturday, December 8, while waiting for my breakfast to cook, something impressed me to pray a strange prayer. I wanted to thank the Lord because he had given me books and the knowledge they contain.

As an avid reader, I have hundreds of books, many at my elbow. A third of my library is reference material I’ve gathered from many sources and used for years. They cover history, archeology, anthropology, geology, mathematics, science, and numerous other things. Then I have fiction covering several genres. Some I used for assignments but others for my enlightenment and entertainment.

That morning I felt an overwhelming gratitude and desire to thank God for giving me a mind to learn and access to the materials to fulfill my craving for knowledge and understanding.
While I ate my breakfast, I got ready to do my morning Bible study. I’ve mentioned here before that I use an app called YouVersion. Since the same app is on all my electronic devices, I can pick up where I left off at anytime.

This morning I opened the app and was trying to find out where I stopped but before I did, I noticed behind the window was a highlighted verse. I flipped back to that window and saw Isaiah 50:4.

The Lord God hath given me the tongue of the learned, that I should know how to speak a word in season to him that is weary: he wakeneth morning by morning, he wakeneth mine ear to hear as the learned. Isa. 50:4

As far as I could remember, I have never read this verse, but it’s highlighted so at some point I’ve read it. I can’t tell you when, and it doesn’t stick out at me from the last several weeks. So, I do not understand why it popped up. Verses don’t just pop up at random in the app. I checked one of the other devices to see if the same verse appeared on them but it did not.

The verse was so connected to what I had just been praying and thanking the Lord for it astounded me. It took time for me to understand it and even now I don’t.

I’m trying so hard to make my life count. If I touch people’s lives, I’m not aware of it. If my words influences anyone, I never know it. I’m so thankful for all I’ve received. Isaiah 50:4 tells me the Lord has provided me the means, and he hears me. It amazes me that when I need a word of encouragement, the Lord can pick up a simple thing and show me he’s there and he’s listening.