Walls

I've had a kind of rough week. There are things that have just been too burdensome to deal with and I wanted to just sit down in the middle of the road and give up. I wanted to stop and never take another step. I am so exhausted and the load isn't getting lighter. I went to church today with this mentality.

For months now, I've been pounding away at this stainless steel wall. I can't make a dent in it. I see myself hammering at it and trying to dig under it. At one point I thought, this isn't a wall! This is a room! And I can't get out. It frightened me. Not the criminal at the door kind of fear. Something baser and more nebulous. Feral comes to mind. Perhaps the steel walls served a purpose.

Regardless of my imagination, I've been feeling trapped and overwhelmed. Sometimes, being adept at handling lots of problems well can be a handicap. In the last year, I think I reached my saturation point. Since then, I've been leaking all over the place.

Yes, I've prayed about it. But locked in a steel room with no exits, nothing much gets out. And not much gets in, either. However, I'm nothing, if not persistent. I keep hammering away.

This is the state of mind I've been in all week. I have had enough. I'm tired. I'm sore. I'm frustrated. I'm defeated. This is the mood I went to church in.

Well, they always say Jesus wants us to come as we are, so I did. Yes, he met me there, and it was a comfort. It didn't solve my problems. If didn't really fix anything, at least not that I noticed. What you need to understand is that despite all my failures, I'm still the same manager I've always been. What changed is my support system and I've been adjusting to that ever since. The support or absence of.

The problem may be that I'm at the period that comes around every year. November through February. Holidays are horrible and my wedding anniversary is the 11th of January, right in the middle of the most family orientated celebrations. I have no family except my granddaughter, my son, and my sister left. Everyone is 12 hours away or dead. My sister works crazy hours, so I never see her. So, the isolation makes things much harder. Throw in that steel room and you have a lovely recipe for neuroticism. But I'm OK. I'm always OK.

When an older lady at church walked up and asked me how I was today I said, "I'm OK." She looked at me a minute and said, "No, you're not. Your eyes show it." Well, you can't fool the wise. I admitted it to her but said, "I'll be fine."

I don't know if I'll be fine but I have to hang on. I have to keep hammering at the walls. I said church helped. And it did. The Lord blessed me by his presence and I take great comfort from that. The lesson this morning was the story of Joshua when Israel was in a battle and he ordered the sun and moon to stand still. I think the point was that sometimes you have to say "Stop" and mean it. He didn't ask God to make them stand still. Joshua ordered them to stop moving. They did. He didn't question it and God did it.

One often forgets that Joshua was the kind of guy that just expected things to happen. He didn't order the walls of Jericho to come down. He told the people to march. The walls fell.

There is a message in there somewhere. I'm sure. 

This afternoon, when I got on to browse, I stumbled across an old post. This happens a lot, and it is usually a good thing. The post was a reminder that no matter how bad it gets, I'm still blessed. No, it won't make things better. It might make me better. I'm blessed far beyond anything God promised to do. Things look bad but God always comes through. I'm sure there is a door somewhere in that wall. I just have to keep looking.