Raveled Sleave of Care

 You met her, didn't you?

It was an unpleasant experience. She just took over. Totally wrecked me. I'm tired, but I don't think I'll sleep. 

Lie down. Close your eyes and think on these things. 

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. Phillipians 4:8

I am not there. I'm not there. 

I know. But you still have to think on these things. 

You'll have to draw me a map today. I don't know where any of that is. Planet Earth. That's where I am. I don't know if you'll find any of that here. 

I didn't say you had to find them. They are already done. You just have to think about them. 

I ... would it be wrong to say I don't want to look anymore? 

It would be pretty stupid. You're not generally stupid.

I'm in so much pain right now that I am not capable of seeing anything beyond my nose. It's dark where I am. You know I am so messed up. Right? You know this. 

I am all the light you need. 

I'm just going to be honest here. I am in a dark place. No light visible. I know. Sounds disrespectful. That screaming woman? The one I said was behind me? Not anymore. She's in me. She is me. I'm her. 

........

Nothing? 

When you're ready. Go get some sleep.

You know Shakespeare?

I taught him everything he knew.

Right. I had to look it up to remember it all. "Sleep that knits up the raveled sleave of care". From Macbeth. The sleave was a skein of yarn. I've dealt with those, and it isn't that easy either. But OK, I'll go. 

A Wild Ride

 I'm in a strange place. 

How so?

Well... and don't think I'm crazy.

Never. 

There's this woman screaming. I see her, and I hear her. She won't stop. I've been meaning to mention it. 

Where is she?

In my head. She's standing there, kind of behind me, and she just keeps screaming. 

Ah ha. What does she look like?

No idea. She's in silhouette.

That —

I know. Crazy. I've been seeing her ever since Mike was in the hospital. Not every minute, and maybe a little less than before. But she's still there. I don't know why I started seeing her to begin with.

Are you sure?

I'm sure it's psychological. 

Send her away.

I don't believe it's possible. At least for now. I want to know why she's screaming. 

I think you already know that. 

Actually, I don't. I've thought about it. If I were writing a story, I'd want to know why she showed up and why she won't stop. Besides, she's not as present right now.

Only when you're stressed.

Yeah, but I've lived with stress most of my life. I've never seen her before. And she is a mental image, not flesh and blood.

.......

I knew you'd think I was nuts. 

I think no one is nuts. You're a sensible person. Excuse me, why is that so funny?

No one but my mama and my aunt ever said that about me.  

You're intelligent and have wisdom.

You've been talking to them. 

No, but I listened in on many conversations.

All I know is that the woman showed up. I need to know why. I've thought about it for weeks. I think she'll eventually leave, but I'm not sure.

Perhaps. Why are you looking at me that way?

I'm just wondering whether you think this is crazy. 

The woman or our conversations?

Well, both, I guess.

Our conversations are important to both of us. I've never met the woman. 

I'm going to bed now. Could I please have a good night's sleep?

Don't get on the roller coaster in your head. Let that woman ride. 

Uh, OK.

#ConversationsWithHim

The Hidden Things

 So, how are you? 

You're kidding, right?

Not at all. You appear to feel better.

Well, if you pump enough of the right drugs into me... then I guess I'm feeling better.

Oh...

It's true. Pain levels have plummeted since they increased the pills.

That's not what I meant. 

Do you mind if I sit down? Thanks. I know what you meant. I'm fine.

Oh my. I thought that -

Look, it's been the worst three months I've had in 16 years. I've watched my life overturned... again. I've been in more physical pain that I have ever been in my 69 years. I felt more terror that I've known since I was a child. So, if I seem a little distressed, well, there's a reason.

You were very angry. 

Yes.

You're still vibrating with anger, but you're hiding it well. 

I'm not hiding it. If no one knows, they chose not to see. 

I'm sorry.

I'm not angry at you. 

Ah....

OK. I have been. I am. Can we not talk about this. It's excruciating.  

You think I failed you. That I don't care. Perhaps that I caused this?

No. Not that. I know you didn't cause it. 

..........

Did you fail me? I feel I did something wrong, and this is punishment. That my prayers were meaningless. No matter what decisions I made, no matter what prayers I prayed, and no matter what I did, there was no hope of a different outcome. Never. 

I understand. 

That. Does. Not. Fix. Anything. 

You're still angry.

This doesn't feel like anger. It feels like a huge, gaping wound where my life is pouring out. Not sure there is a patch big enough to fix that. I can't fix it. And when the prayers were prayed, so many prayers, so very many prayers, you didn't fix it. It lay there like a viper waiting to jump out and bite me. And here I am. I won't even talk about the pain. It's not anger. It's a roaring, raging pain. Sounds like anger, but don't worry. It's just pain.

You are important to me. You matter. You...

Don't matter. It's not about me! I don't care about me! That's what I keep saying. I don't matter. I care about the people I love. They matter. So if I rant and scream and rail against the things thrown at them, it's not about me. It's about them, and that is all that matters. If there's anger, it's because we don't get a choice about any of this. You know better than anyone about my life. It never mattered at all. 

I am grateful for all the wonderful moments I received. So very, very thankful. I'd have shot myself long ago had it not been for those shining moments that shone light in the darkness. I'm so thankful I can't even express it in words. But this, this thing ... I can't talk about it. It's monstrously ugly and I am so not capable of handling it. I can't handle it ever.

I'm sorry. I'm so very sorry. 

I know. 

#ConversationsWithHim