Whose Yardstick Are You Using?

I am what the “Shrinks” call a perfectionist. Nothing is ever good enough to suit me (ask my family). For a perfectionist, no one and nothing ever measures up to his/her standards of good and right.  We carry a special yardstick to measure everything and everyone handed down to us by other perfectionists. We learn perfectionism; it's not innate. A perfectionist never sees the things that are going right in a situation. Instead, a perfectionist sees all the things that are wrong.  Put a perfectionist on a construction site and he won’t see how much progress made, but he will see how much is not done. Furthermore, he/she will use that yardstick to point out all the problems in the completed work.

Until a few years ago, I was unaware that I had serious problems with my own perfectionist tendencies. II didn’t believe I was a perfectionist. But the Lord knew. He began dealing with me through some research I was doing for a paper on, of all things, perfectionism, more specifically, religious perfectionism. I thought I had selected the topic, but maybe I didn’t. As the paper progressed, I didn’t like what I was discovering.

My studies included Jim Jones and David Koresh. Recognize the names? I found that at one point they both were very religious men, both with Pentecostal backgrounds. But they could never reach a place where they thought they could attain perfection as they perceived it, — they were never good enough to suit themselves. They moved from church to church, searching for perfection. In the end, they created their own religions to fit their perception of perfection. As you know, they failed and destroyed not only themselves but a great many other people as well.

Now most perfectionists do not become a Jones or a Koresh. However, the tendency to perfectionism appears to be strongest among religious people and we tend not to see it in ourselves. I wanted, no, I needed, to understand why this was so.

I discovered that somewhere along the way someone, probably a disillusioned perfectionist, concluded that we BECOME perfect by what we DO — our actions or our behavior make us perfect. Jones and Koresh turned to that belief with a vengeance.

I've spent most of my life trying to please everyone. The only person I never tried to please was ... me, because that was selfish, a sin, an imperfection. I discovered the all-consuming aspiration in my life was to BE PERFECT and to do that, I had to please everyone. My every thought, every action, every desire had to pass someone’s inspection, or I was worthless. I cared what people thought about me, to where what I thought about me was unimportant. And I was drowning in a sea of failure.  Why? Because it can’t be done. Human perfection is unattainable, at least, what humans perceive of as perfection is unattainable.

I was shattered by forces outside my control. All the years I had spent trying to do the right thing, say the right thing, look the right way, and think the right way were wasted. No matter how hard I had tried, I had failed. Someone ALWAYS complained. I never did or said the right thing. My appearance never measured up. I never looked the “right way”. And as to my thinking, well, everyone I meet thinks differently than I. I could not change what I was — HUMAN. I could not be perfect.

The primary definition of perfect is “without defect or blemish.” Therefore, anyone with even the slightest physical, mental, or emotional defect can never be perfect. We are all too fat, too skinny, too tall, too short, too stupid, too selfish, too lazy, too busy, too ugly, or too mean. Our teeth are too crooked, nose too crooked or long, our hair too curly, too straight, too short, or too long. Our feet are too big, or too flat. Our legs bow, our eyes cross, and our teeth buck. Our ears are too big and mouths are way too big. Never mind those spiritual defects.

Each time I have one of these “spiritual insights” into my nature, the impact of the discovery has devastated me.  This time I broke down and all I could say was “Lord, I’m sorry, I just can’t do it. I’ll never be good enough. No matter what I do, it is never enough.” I spent days crying and struggling with the revelation.

If you ever get to this point in your life, everything you thought was important means nothing when you measure it with the perfectionist yardstick. It still comes up short of perfect. From a child, I have heard the instruction on living a holy life. I have followed it to the best of my poor abilities and to the complaints of many. To other perfectionists, I have never been good enough. And as a true perfectionist, I can tell you I never met anyone I thought was good enough to go to heaven, especially me. Nuts, huh?

I heard someone ask, what if we get to heaven and find we are standing next to Paul? How will we ever measure up? Now a statement like that strikes terror into the heart of a true perfectionist. When I heard it, I felt an overwhelming sadness. Truly, there was no hope for me. I could never get to heaven if God measured me by Paul. My depression lasted for days. (You should know that perfectionist have self-esteem problems.)

I prayed, “Lord, I am not a Paul. I can’t be a Paul. I don’t know how. Tell me what to do.” For days, I prayed, but the old feelings of worthlessness were back. The voice of perfectionism is cruel and relentlessly taunts the perfectionist.

When I was pondering it one evening, a quiet voice whispered, “No Cindy, you can’t be another Paul. You can’t ever do the things Paul did. But I didn’t create you to be Paul. If I wanted a Paul, I could raise one up. If I wanted a Peter, I could make one. I created you to be uniquely YOU. I wanted you just as you are, capable of things only you can do. Paul couldn’t do the things you can do. I want you to do the things you can do, not the things Paul could do. And when you stand before me, I won't measure or compare you to Paul or anyone else. When you stand before me, I won’t see anyone but you. I won’t see anything but your heart, and it will be measured by mine.”

What am I saying here? I wonder about people who tell me how much they do and how good they are. Why are they telling me? And I wonder whose yardstick they are using. Mine? Theirs? Yours? Then I am reminded of Jesus’ words, “Be ye perfect, even as I am perfect.” Wow, that's some yardstick. I doubt any of us want to be measured by that one. Yet, that is the very measurement used.

So what did Jesus do that made him so perfect? If you think that what you wear is going to determine where you go, you’re in for a shock. Modesty is important, but we are going to be naked before the Almighty. And He'll look into our hearts before He looks into our closets. The Bible doesn’t tell me much about Jesus’ hair or clothes. Just as in Jesus’ day, today every religion had its own uniform.

The Bible tells me what he thought, how he acted (his attitude), where he went and with whom he associated. It tells me what he taught about living and dying. It tells me all about the heart of God but only precious little of the social life or what was fashionable during that time. I, and anyone else who studies this, have to depend on secular books to learn about most of the politics, fashion, and cultural practices of Jesus’ day.  Social anthropologists discovered this information from sources other than the Bible. And those sources are plentiful.

Many religious people equate perfection with what we do, where we go and what we wear. We even have scripture for it. “Without holiness, no man shall see the Lord.” We read a thousand things into those eight words. Holiness is about where we go, what we wear, and how we talk. Right? Well, while it's important, that isn’t correct.  This is one of those cases of an entire generation being taught something out of context. What it actually says is:

“Follow peace with all men, and holiness, without which no man shall see the Lord: Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled;” Hebrews 12:14-15.

Follow peace with ALL MEN?  Root of bitterness? Defilement? What do they have to do with holiness? I can't be holy and bitter? No. I can't be at war with friends, neighbors, family, and church and still be holy? No. I can remain pure in my heart if I dress right, walk right and spit white, but spread gossip, spite, and strife in the church or on the job? NO. You can’t BE holy if you have bitterness and are not following the way of peace. Peace and holiness must go hand in hand or bitterness will spring up and defile us. As a result, we can’t see the Lord. That’s the WORD. Bitterness DEFILES, and bitterness arise because we have not followed both peace and holiness. And it defiles not only us, but those around us. Strife separates, divides, and destroys peace. Therefore, those who are bitter and estranged from others will not see God. Even if they never associate with anyone outside the church or cover themselves in a sack from head to foot!

Just think, it won’t matter if you never touch an alcoholic drink, tobacco, drugs, or used curse words. How you dress won’t matter. If you never looked at anything ungodly or participated in things considered ungodly by others. NONE OF IT WILL MATTER. A single flaw in your heart will mean you've wasted your time. If you join a convent and shun the entire world, you must still follow peace and holiness. Peace and holiness are a state of mind and heart, not a state of dress, place, or action.

James 3:2 states, “For in many things we offend all.  If any man offend not in word, the same is a perfect man, and able also to bridle the whole body.”  We all offend.  Follow peace.

Colossians 3:14-15 says “... charity is the bond of perfectness ...” and to “... let the peace of God rule in your hearts ....”

Charity is the cement that holds it all together. In the dictionary, I found half a dozen definitions. But charity, in theology, it's defined as “The virtue defined as love directed first toward God but also toward oneself and one’s neighbors as objects of God’s love.” However, my favorite definition of charity is “Benevolence or generosity toward others. Indulgence or forbearance in judging others.” The synonym for charity is mercy. Astounding.

Now get out that yardstick you’ve been using and check the measurements again. Compare them with the perfect balance of God’s Word. Before you go measuring anyone by your yardstick, you better be sure it measures up with God’s.

“Thou shalt not have in thy bag diverse weights, a great and a small. Thou shalt not have in thine house divers measures, a great and a small. But thou shalt have a perfect and just weight, a perfect and just measure shalt thou have: that thy days may be lengthened in the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee.” Deut. 25:13-15  

No one is going to measure up to your expectations. You won’t measure up to your own expectations if you compare yourself with others. But we aren’t supposed to compare ourselves with others. Our example was Jesus and the slogan “what would Jesus do” better be more that a bracelet on your wrist or a pin in your lapel. His expectations are all that matter. His Word is the yardstick by which we all will be measured.