Going Nowhere

I sometimes wonder why I bother with all this writing stuff. It seems such a waste of time. I should just walk away...that doesn't present a logical imagery. It is typing, not walking.

You're tired.

I am. Of lots of things. Fatigue has been a monster this month. I rush around to get some things done because I know time is running out and I'll be splayed out on the sofa unable to do anything but watch mindless shows with Mike.

Why does it bother you to do nothing?

............

I asked ...

I heard you. I'm thinking.

Take your time. 

I don't know. Is that an answer? Yes, of course, it is. Right. I don't know. My life was filled with things to do. I made it so. I  married at 17 and for five years I was a wife. I stayed busy with church, reading, sewing, finishing school. I had children. I stayed busy with a  hyperactive child, moving several times overseas and back, sewing for a family, cooking, cleaning for a family of 4, training my children, refinishing furniture, and remodeling various houses we rented.

I went to college at 31, spent the next five years in school, my husband got sick, then he went to Desert Storm, I stayed home with two teenagers and a full class load. He came back in a year, got sicker and got out of service and drove a truck for two years so we wouldn't starve. I was still raising teenagers and in school. I finished and went to work. He got a local job then got sicker. I worked. Kids married crazy people and moved away but came back bringing crazy people with them. Crazy people left, kids stayed. Then my husband died.

So, why can't I do nothing?

You feel useless.

I feel unproductive. Then, the writing goes nowhere. I should take up pottery. Quilting. Painting. Something tangible. Even crochet more stuff.

It's one of those days, isn't it?

You could say that. I'm really tired. I've worked all day on this story and I'm feeling a bit down in the dump.

You don't know how to not do something. 

No. I don't. We're taught, very young, that idle hands are the devils workshop. So, we have to be busy. So, I feel that I have to be doing something. But most of it feels as if it isn't progressive. Even this post seems to go nowhere.





Written in May, 2015 - It didn't go anywhere.

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Desert Places

I'm in a strange place.

I wondered if you were going to comment on it. Are you familiar with it?

I said it was strange.

Well, there is strange and then there is Strange.

.........I'm sorry... I have no idea what that means.

That's all right. I'll explain it to you. Why don't you relax and get yourself a snack? Or something.

Or something? Really? ......... Hang on a second. I have some Oreo cookies in there. I'll be right back.

Where's the milk?

Hang on.

...........

Do you suppose strawberries would be good with Oreos?

They're good with milk.

Right. I think I'll pass on those after all. You were saying.

There are strange places that you've never been. Then, there are Strange places. These are places you know and have been, but don't recognize or they don't feel right.

Huh. . . you know. . . I don't think that's an official Webster entry.

Hush. We've talked. He's fine with it.

So... I'm in a Strange place?

Exactly.

O.k.

Now, what's bugging you about it?

{sigh}

There you go again. I thought you said you couldn't do that? 

I'm bugged because I've recently felt overwhelmed with sickness and responsibility. The house is a mess. My health is punishing me. The yard work needs doing. Things are piling up. I'm tired, slightly depressed, frustrated, and lonely. I miss Jerry. I miss my family. I miss my life.

Obviously, not strange places for you.

Gee, thanks for noticing.

You've known for a long time, without my pointing it out, that this is your lot. This is your path. There is no alternate, at least, not one that is acceptable to you. 

Not one that is acceptable to you.

That, too. Still, when given an opportunity to take different paths you often sit down in the middle of the road and refuse to move. 

I don't want to make any more bad choices.

So you would rather wait for them to come to you?

I'd rather they go around me.

............What is really bugging you?

That I'm so thankful for everything anyway that it hurts. It is very painful to be thankful in the middle of chaos. To look at your life in shambles, and mine isn't so much anymore, and think how grateful you are for the shambles. To see all your dreams and hopes and aspirations turn to dust and still ....

Still what?

To still love you more than anything. To know that in the middle of the desert places of my life you remain. It is too much.

It isn't all.



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Locked Gates

Courtesy OpenPhoto.net

This day started off pretty good. It was a bit overcast, a bit of rain that gave way to sunshine and a lovely spring breeze filled with songbirds. I opened all the windows I could and the house is just the right temperature. Pain is a low hum that I can block out. Can I have this all the time?

Probably not.

But it is pert near perfect!

There are things beyond your street that say otherwise.

I keep the gate locked.

Very funny.

You do know that I have anxiety issues and thinking about certain things and contemplating certain things sends me over a very steep precipice. I become this quivering mass.

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. -- Phillipians 4:6-7

And that is why I stay here, on my dead-end street and consider the things I need to do this month to make my small plot lovely. I try very hard to keep the world out. Of course, you've rained on my parade for weeks now. I keep hoping for sunshine.

Your flowers will thank me. It will get hot and you won't like it. 

I suppose that is true. 

But things aren't "pert near perfect."

I try to believe the world isn't a mess, that people have not lost their minds, that sun is shining somewhere, the sky is blue, and God is in his...your heaven. 

Do you believe that?

Which part?

Any of it.

I believe God is in heaven. 

Someone once said,"The Kingdom of Heaven is at hand."

Yeah, I saw that guy, too! Scruffy, beard down to here, hadn't had a bath in ... well ... a while from where I was standing. That was on the sandwich sign he was wearing."

You know, certain kinds of humor are an attempt to cover up what you're really thinking.

I heard that. I told them they were imagining things. I figure if I keep thinking things are good, they might fall into line.

How has that worked?

I'm not very good at it, actually. It is why the gate is locked, there is no newspaper, no television news, and why I simply won't read certain things on the internet. Not exactly positive thinking but I try and remove all the negative I can from my environment. I know some people would say I've got my head in the sand. 

" For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he:" --Proverbs 23:7

So, I think things are fine, so they are! Well, that works out well. One question.

Of course.

When does that kick in? Cause despite my best efforts, some of that stuff creeps in.

I'm pretty sure that isn't exactly how it works. Maybe this is closer to what you want: "Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.  Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you."  --Philippians 4:8-9

Yeah, that's it! I don't know if I always manage to do it well, but I try and keep the other stuff beyond the gate. Life is chaos and cluttered. I suspect that is why clutter agitates me so much. Still, that peace thing, that's tough.

You know there are all kinds of locked gates. Some gates should be unlocked. You end up keeping some good things out. “These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world, you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.”--John 16:33



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