When the Glow Fades

I'm shameless.

No!

Yes, I am. I'm wallowing in a sort of nice, albeit tiny glow.

Ah, that explains that aura around you.

Yes.

So, what happened?

I got this lovely email from someone who wants to join my writing group. They were impressed by the content of this blog. Isn't that nice?

Yes, very nice.....

I hear a but in there.

No, really, it is nice. You had hoped that someone would get something from the posts.

I did. There is still a but in there.

I just don't want you to let a compliment go to your head.

Well, it isn't like I get a lot of them, you know.

I do.

{sigh} O.K., O.K. There's a point, right?

{smile}

Really, don't do that.

How will readers know?

The greatest difficulty to this blog is that you've chosen it to discuss things directly at times. Don't get me wrong. I really like these sessions. Often, I reread them and I actually smile and laugh at some of the stuff. A few times they made me cry, too. However, it does make it difficult to express certain things in writing. Technically, this is dialogue.

Well, we're talking, so yes, I get that.

So....... in writing, you don't generally express all the visual nuances in dialogue. You do it in tags and narration. And you limit it to the most necessary to set the tone.

All right, then. That's good to know and you can put that on your other blog. Let's get back to the real problem.

I have a problem?

Take just a moment and read down to your first sigh.

.................................

You took half an hour to get back to me.

I'm sorry. It took a while to find a photo and it isn't really what I had in mind, but it has to do. I did reread that section, though. I suppose you don't want me to get the big head from my only compliment. This seems a bit of a let down from some of our other conversations.

I'm sorry to hear that. You seem to have drifted off course. First, it isn't your only compliment. Others have said nice things. You've had a couple of tweets. You got "favored". All those constitute a type of compliment. 

I didn't think of that.

You spend a lot of time thinking about where you fail and none about where you've succeeded. You crave approval. Most humans do, but they don't recognize it most of the time. "For they loved the praise of men more than the praise of God. " -- John 12:43. 

.......... OK. Maybe. I don't know what all this means.

All of you seek to feel loved. You seek approval in so many ways that you can't even keep up. You seek it in ways that are foolish, unsafe, perverted, distorted, and dangerous. When you get the real thing, you often don't even recognize it. Your view of approval is distorted. A compliment goes straight to the brain, like a shot of oxytocin. Then you brood because not everyone recognizes your worth. You don't even recognize it.

Did I do something wrong?

No.

Why does it feel like I did?

Because the need for approval is so strong in all humans that when attention is brought to bear on the need, one feels guilty about feeling it.  You want to be approved, but you feel unworthy of approval. 

{sigh} I'm confused.

You are very vocal on your blogs. You don't apologize for being a radical Christian conservative. Yet, you feel the need for others to validate you in some way. In a way, this is an apology. 

So ... compliments are bad.

Compliments are wonderful, especially when deserved, but if you don't recognize your worth without them, you'll never be satisfied for long with them. That warm glow you felt from the email is a pleasant feeling and deserved but when the glow from that fades, it always does, will you recognize your worth?

....................

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Going Nowhere

I sometimes wonder why I bother with all this writing stuff. It seems such a waste of time. I should just walk away...that doesn't present a logical imagery. It is typing, not walking.

You're tired.

I am. Of lots of things. Fatigue has been a monster this month. I rush around to get some things done because I know time is running out and I'll be splayed out on the sofa unable to do anything but watch mindless shows with Mike.

Why does it bother you to do nothing?

............

I asked ...

I heard you. I'm thinking.

Take your time. 

I don't know. Is that an answer? Yes, of course, it is. Right. I don't know. My life was filled with things to do. I made it so. I  married at 17 and for five years I was a wife. I stayed busy with church, reading, sewing, finishing school. I had children. I stayed busy with a  hyperactive child, moving several times overseas and back, sewing for a family, cooking, cleaning for a family of 4, training my children, refinishing furniture, and remodeling various houses we rented.

I went to college at 31, spent the next five years in school, my husband got sick, then he went to Desert Storm, I stayed home with two teenagers and a full class load. He came back in a year, got sicker and got out of service and drove a truck for two years so we wouldn't starve. I was still raising teenagers and in school. I finished and went to work. He got a local job then got sicker. I worked. Kids married crazy people and moved away but came back bringing crazy people with them. Crazy people left, kids stayed. Then my husband died.

So, why can't I do nothing?

You feel useless.

I feel unproductive. Then, the writing goes nowhere. I should take up pottery. Quilting. Painting. Something tangible. Even crochet more stuff.

It's one of those days, isn't it?

You could say that. I'm really tired. I've worked all day on this story and I'm feeling a bit down in the dump.

You don't know how to not do something. 

No. I don't. We're taught, very young, that idle hands are the devils workshop. So, we have to be busy. So, I feel that I have to be doing something. But most of it feels as if it isn't progressive. Even this post seems to go nowhere.





Written in May, 2015 - It didn't go anywhere.

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