Folding The Towel

I spent the morning folding and putting away over a month's worth of laundry and arguing with God. I got the laundry done. That wasn't what I was arguing about.

Sigh. Am I the only person who feels like God just doesn't like me much? Surely not. Surely other people sometimes feel that God is just really not concerned about what they're concerned about. That we've just not lived up to our potential, screwed-up so many times, and simply made a hash out of our lives He surely must have despaired of us long ago and that we really disgust Him.

I don't like arguing and maybe it wasn't arguing. But I was definitely ranting and very upset. I have been for some time now. I felt like I was arguing. When you feel that you're having a one sided argument it is totally frustrating. I know women can understand this. You've had similar arguments with your husbands. You're trying to make a valid point and he's messing with the phone, watching the game, playing with the X-Box or on some other more pressing mission. He says he hears you but obviously, he isn't listening to you. Now, I don't think God is doing that stuff but it is the same feeling, that He's just not listening. Or He is but it simply doesn't change anything.

Eventually, I gave up. I wish I could say I feel better. I don't. My problem is not resolved. It is after all "my problem." God doesn't appease people. I don't actually believe God says maybe. I think things are "yes" or "no". I believe in a God who knows everything and every possible outcome. Choice is the only thing left to chance. He knows the choices we have but we get to pick. So, to say God would say "Maybe" is just silly to me. 

Also, I kind of think the only "Wait" you get is the self imposed kind. You sit around and wait until you figure out that you got a "No." A yes is usually easy to identify. Generally, I'm also not one to keep praying for the same thing over and over again. I don't think God is deaf and if He hears us, He heard us the first time. I have kept nagging over something, today is a good example, but I figure it is pointless. He heard me the first time. Continuing to go on and on about it is probably over kill on my part. Nagging. Nothing I can say will change His mind about the answer. As I am always quick to point out, it is what it is.

Anyway, I'm very depressed over the whole thing. I don't want to detail my experience or my problem. I'm not happy with several situations. In fact, I think it is safe to say I'm a bit consumed with anger about the whole business. Apparently, God's just fine with it. It would appear that we don't agree on it. I can't say I've changed my mind and there's nothing to tell me He's changed his.

I  suppose some people would ask me why bother asking. Because, at the end of all things, He's the only thing I've ever been able to completely rely on. Everyone will abandon you. Everyone will fail you. Everyone will disappoint you. 

I've lost much of what I cherished about my life. My world turned upside down and everything was shaken out of it. Within five years the life I loved was completely gone. I've become more and more unable to cope with the aftermath. I've become more physically exhausted and experiencing greater and greater pain. I don't have anything else that remains stable and fixed. I reside alone in a fairly dark world most of the time. The very ground beneath my feet is shaky ground and I stand on the brink of a great chasm that threatens to consume what is left of my life. Who else would I call?

After I conquered with the mountain of laundry and my wrestling match with the Almighty, I was too tired to do anything else.  I made lunch and while I was eating it occurred to me that even if God hated me, I'd still love Him. I don't know any of the why's that swirl around me but they don't change how much I love Him. It may not be enough to fix anything but it is all I'm certain of these days.

The Banning of Sin

I was reading my G+ thread and one of my contacts shared this article, When did Christians Get So Mean. One of our mutual contacts made an observation about the comments that aroused my curiosity. So, I went and read the first dozen comments. I did not read the article at that point because the comments so annoyed me. I just started writing this post. I stopped and went back to read because I didn't want to misinterpret the comments. I was trying to be fair. But you know what, people are mean. Christians and sinners alike are mean and nasty.

The article basically addresses how Christians respond to others. I had no real beef with the article. He told the truth. I agreed with much of it. We should show kindness, courtesy, compassion, and love at much as possible to all people. Christians are exhorted in Romans 14:19 Let us therefore follow after the things which make for peace, and things wherewith one may edify another.  And in Hebrews 12:14 Follow peace with all men, and holiness, without which no man shall see the Lord: But, the truth of the article was borne out in the comments. People are just mean, and although directed at Christians, it doesn't matter if they're a Christian or not. 

I had another problem with the article and comments. I completely disagree with the "acceptance with love" theology. This isn't a Biblical teaching in my view. It is a creation by people who want to water down or discredit the Biblical position on sin. The unbeliever would have us muzzled unless we paint a pretty picture of religion and stop talking about sin. We can't call sin, "sin". We can't state something is "wrong." We can't look like a Christian. We can't speak like a Christian. If we dare, there is a price. Ridicule, prejudice, even violence. We are now required to sit in the back of the bus and shut up. 

Christians are required by the current political climate to restrain their Christianity because the non-Christian, which includes the faithless and those of other faiths, are offended by Christianity. Replace Christian with Jew and tell me what image comes to mind.

I don't think it is as simple as that, but it doesn't really matter. When someone says "sin" I've noticed that hell gets uncomfortable. Hell wants a warm, fuzzy Christianity that opens its arms to everything without using the "S-word". We must not teach anything the Bible teaches about ... sin.  If Hell and the world had its way, nothing could be labeled as sin. If it felt good, looked good, tasted good, it would be acceptable. 

Have you noticed the trend in the world to ban the use of certain words? I have and it is frightening. As a writer, I believe that banning words is equal banning speech and both are equal to banning books. All three occur in societies that are on the brink establishing repressive regimes. There is power in words. It is true that some words are not good words. I find a lot of distasteful words in television, movies, and songs. Profanity should be banned, right? Derogatory appellations should be banned. Right? The word Sin should be banned. Right? No.  Removing select words may seem like a good idea but the list continues to grow. Track the word/book banning practice throughout history. It never ends well. The trend in this country is growing. 

The comments on the article reminded me of something that is seldom mentioned across pulpits or in commentaries. There is a point at which even Jesus lost it over the wickedness of his generation. He got totally out of control. He made a whip of cords. This took some time. He sat, twisting and weaving and plaiting that cord, thinking about what he was going to do when he finished with it. Anger was woven into its fabric. This was premeditated action. He carried it to the temple and proceeded to drive everyone out of the temple because they'd brought wickedness into God's house. He wasn't nice. He wasn't loving. And he wasn't forgiving. He beat the daylights out of them, destroyed their equipment, and called them ugly names. He was extremely violent. The gentle, loving carpenter exploded in fury over .... sin. If we did anything approaching that, we'd be in jail. Or maybe crucified.

Let's just be honest. Christians are required by God to tell the truth. Either something is sin or it isn't. To smile and say "Well, I believe that's a sin but you know, I accept you just like you are. God loves everyone and we're all sinners" is hypocritical. It is also a lie and a sin. Either we're lying or we're lost. Either it is sin and we as Christians must not accept it, or it is not sin. 

The Bible said shun the very appearance of evil. You can't "accept" sin in any form. You can love the sinner and pray for them. You can be kind, considerate, and compassionate, but you can't ever accept their sin. My mama said, "You're known by the company you keep." Accept sin enough and you'll be right in the middle of it.

 If you are a born again believer in the death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus Christ and believe he died to atone for the sins of the whole world, you are forbidden to continue to walk in sin. You were once sinners.  "For as by one man's disobedience many were made sinners, so by the obedience of one shall many be made righteous." Romans 5:19. You can't be a sinner and be saved and you can't be saved and be a sinner. That is a paradox and impossible.

There is a practice of quoting one line of scripture to "prove" we're all sinners. It is Romans 3:23 For all have sinned and come short of the glory of God;  This is true. We are all sinners who "Being justified freely by his grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus: Whom God hath set forth to be a propitiation through faith in his blood, to declare his righteousness for the remission of sins that are past, through the forbearance of God; To declare, I say, at this time his righteousness: that he might be just, and the justifier of him which believeth in Jesus.

I was once a secretary. When I left that job I was no longer a secretary. I had been one, but I changed and became a housing specialist. If we repent and turn from our sin, we are no longer sinners because Jesus buried those sins beneath his blood. They were obliterated and no longer exist. To say "we're all sinners" to excuse and accept sin is to make a mockery of the crucifixion. You just made the sacrifice of Jesus Christ void. 

Banning sin would be a good thing. Unfortunately, banning the word will not fix the problem of sin. Sin still exist and nothing we can do will change that. It doesn't mean that I hate anyone. I don't. I can't think of a single person I hate. There's a few I dislike because of their character, or habits, or behavior. 

There are a lot of people I love who simply will never agree with my beliefs. I still love them very much. I don't beat them up over it and actually, they don't beat me up either. We've learned to live peaceably without agreeing or accepting the other's system of beliefs. Because we love each other and I think because we respect the right of each to follow their own path. I could be wrong and they hate everything about me. That's their poison.

Christians are not perfect. We're trying to get there. We fall down, we crawl to the foot of the cross and we pull ourselves up with its help. Others choose not to follow that path. But neither should be casting stones at the other. Neither position is a reason to treat anyone with disrespect or cruelty. 

I think that is what that author was trying to say. And I agree with that. My guide is always the Word. In Romans 12:18 it says, "If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men." Unfortunately, it isn't always possible. People are mean.

A Great Awakening of My Own

It has taken me months to write this. Probably because I was so overwhelmed by what happened that I simply couldn't write it down. In October I attended the Re-Write writer's conference in Austin, Texas. This is the second year of this Christian writer's conference. It was my first writer's conference and I went with no preconceptions of what to expect. I was more than surprised.

Sometimes in the midst of the big plans and busy schedules I find myself brought to a standstill as He steps around a corner into my path. My trip to Austin was filled with these kind of interruptions. From the start, there was an atmosphere that I recognized but did not expect to find there. God's presence completely surround me and I found myself overwhelmed at times by it. It stunned me beyond an ability to describe it.

"It was only a writers' conference," you say. For me, it was so much more. The stories from other writers about their writing life, how it started and how they do it,  and the encouragement to write filled a vacancy in my soul that I had not realized was there. When one of them stood up and said, "Your writing is your gift, given to you by your Father" I wanted to cry. It became the theme running through the whole conference. This is my gift. I write.

You may view your writing as your talent that you worked hard on and all credit is your's alone. I do not and have never felt that way. I've always felt that I did not even own the stories I wrote. They come from someplace that I'm unfamiliar with and can't describe. So when those words were uttered, they opened a floodgate of emotion and brought such a peace and understanding about why I am driven to write.

I came home with a different view of my gift and found I was more concerned with the act of writing. I suppose you could say I came back with a clearer vision and a more defined purpose and a desire to keep those feelings alive. I want to write.

I also found myself craving the kind of spiritual environment discovered at the conference. I don't think anyone there was of my faith but rather, they were a bunch of people who felt a calling to write. Most were writing Christian fiction. I don't write specifically Christian fiction. I like what I write to be clean enough your great grandmother wouldn't blush.

But it wasn't about that. It was a room filled with a Presence because the people there, from several denominations, were in some way inviting that Presence. God wasn't denominational that weekend. He wasn't picking and choosing who to touch. He just was there in the middle of lectures on publishing and writing! There were no profound spiritual statements, no erudite monographs on Biblical events, and no sermons on proper Christian values, characters, and behavior. And still, there He was, right in the middle of the business of writing.

This should happen to everyone. I rediscovered the pleasure I get in writing. More importantly, I came away with an intense craving to stay in the Presence of God, wherever I go and in every circumstance.

I'll be honest, I don't actually know how to do that. I don't know how it  happened and I don't know how to recreate it. I have some pretty awful days filled with horrible stresses and pain that I can't begin to describe. You don't feel very close to God at those times and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't so angry at times, I can't even hear God or see Him. When all of your life hurts and you can't change it or fix it and there's no one to call, you feel about as isolated as it is possible to feel, as if you're on a distant, abandoned planet. You spend a lot of time searching for something to stop it all.

My experience at the conference showed me where I want to be and what I want to do. Everything in my life works against it. But like writing, you have to keep doing it. Keep pushing forward through pain, heartaches, and stress. Maybe up there, around the next bend, He's waiting.

Some people say God always walks beside you and you're always in His presence. I disagree. A lot of times He steps away or runs ahead and leaves you alone. I'm not sure why. Maybe He thinks you can handle the things you think you can't handle. If so, He has a lot more confidence in me that I do in myself.

Still, despite all the daily things that kill me mentally, spiritually, and physically, all I really know is that I long to be in a room saturated with that Presence. Indeed, I do not want to be anywhere else.


#re:write2013
#conference