Sigh. Am I the only person who feels like God just doesn't like me much? Surely not. Surely other people sometimes feel that God is just really not concerned about what they're concerned about. That we've just not lived up to our potential, screwed-up so many times, and simply made a hash out of our lives He surely must have despaired of us long ago and that we really disgust Him.
I don't like arguing and maybe it wasn't arguing. But I was definitely ranting and very upset. I have been for some time now. I felt like I was arguing. When you feel that you're having a one sided argument it is totally frustrating. I know women can understand this. You've had similar arguments with your husbands. You're trying to make a valid point and he's messing with the phone, watching the game, playing with the X-Box or on some other more pressing mission. He says he hears you but obviously, he isn't listening to you. Now, I don't think God is doing that stuff but it is the same feeling, that He's just not listening. Or He is but it simply doesn't change anything.
Also, I kind of think the only "Wait" you get is the self imposed kind. You sit around and wait until you figure out that you got a "No." A yes is usually easy to identify. Generally, I'm also not one to keep praying for the same thing over and over again. I don't think God is deaf and if He hears us, He heard us the first time. I have kept nagging over something, today is a good example, but I figure it is pointless. He heard me the first time. Continuing to go on and on about it is probably over kill on my part. Nagging. Nothing I can say will change His mind about the answer. As I am always quick to point out, it is what it is.
Anyway, I'm very depressed over the whole thing. I don't want to detail my experience or my problem. I'm not happy with several situations. In fact, I think it is safe to say I'm a bit consumed with anger about the whole business. Apparently, God's just fine with it. It would appear that we don't agree on it. I can't say I've changed my mind and there's nothing to tell me He's changed his.
I suppose some people would ask me why bother asking. Because, at the end of all things, He's the only thing I've ever been able to completely rely on. Everyone will abandon you. Everyone will fail you. Everyone will disappoint you.
I've lost much of what I cherished about my life. My world turned upside down and everything was shaken out of it. Within five years the life I loved was completely gone. I've become more and more unable to cope with the aftermath. I've become more physically exhausted and experiencing greater and greater pain. I don't have anything else that remains stable and fixed. I reside alone in a fairly dark world most of the time. The very ground beneath my feet is shaky ground and I stand on the brink of a great chasm that threatens to consume what is left of my life. Who else would I call?
After I conquered with the mountain of laundry and my wrestling match with the Almighty, I was too tired to do anything else. I made lunch and while I was eating it occurred to me that even if God hated me, I'd still love Him. I don't know any of the why's that swirl around me but they don't change how much I love Him. It may not be enough to fix anything but it is all I'm certain of these days.