Finding My Way

  I wish things were simple. They're not. At all.

On Tuesday, the 16th, I went to church. The message was about Gideon. It's a good story. It's also where we get the term "lay a fleece". 

Gideon sought God's answer to a prayer, and he put a lamb's fleece on the ground. If it got wet, and the surrounding ground dried, he got his answer. The next night he did this again (because obviously it could be a fluke) but this time the fleece stayed dry and the ground wet. 

Somewhere in this sermon, the minister made an odd statement. Well, odd to me. Afterward, I couldn't figure out what came before or after it. 

"When you build the altar, God will provide directions." 

It's nothing. Right? I mean, it's just a comment. It's about Gideon.

But I'm looking for directions. Praying for them multiple times a day. I wash dishes and pray for them. I shower and ask. I drive to the gas station, I spend a lot of time there lately, and pray for directions. IN THE PARKING LOT!

How hard can this be? 

Don't ask.

 At night, after I've turned out the light and tried to sleep. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and pray again for direction. 

Do you know how silent the night is? Think about how silent it is when you can't hear anything. Not a whisper, not a breath, not the gentle whoosh of the heat. Nothing. 

Silence I can handle, relish even.

But this, this dead air, this barrier that nothing gets through. I can't handle this. I can't cope with it. 

I'm aware of my impatience. I know I get frustrated. I KNOW! 

Don't get me wrong. I also know what I'm listening for and how it should sound. I've heard it before, recently in fact. So, the fact that there is nothing is both frustrating and frightening. 

Did I say frightening? I did. 

Trust me. 

Of course, I trust you. Always. 

But you don't. 

I do! I just can't take the silence. Do you hear that? 

Trust me. 

How long? Cause I haven't mentioned it, but ...

I'm aware. Trust me.

I thought I did.

Ah, truth. That's almost as good. 

.....

Trust me, please.

I do. I don't know what else to say. It is what I believe. I do. Really. 

Then wait for directions.

#ConversationswithHim

Detour

 Where are we?

Right here. Walking.

Sorry, wrong question. Why are we here?

I thought you'd enjoy this.

Mmm, yes. It's beautiful. I love the woods. But just days ago, we were in the mountains crawling up the side of a cliff. 

We were. You didn't like it.

No, I did not. 

So here we are. You got a lot of exercise on that climb. Thought this might refresh you.

You said I needed the exercise. So why are we really here?

...

Don't give me the side-eye. You know. 

I know many things. Which one are you referring to?

Oh good Lord.

Thank you. 

Look at this place. Beautiful trees, a lovely path all fixed for us. 

I like it, too.

So, is this the Valley of the Shadow of Death?

What! Of course not. Why would you think that?

I have some experience.

I see. Well, you're wrong. Again. 

....

That got you, didn't it?

You know I was up at 2 a.m.?

I do. I was there. 

You were very quiet.

Well, with you, I don't get to talk much.

Oh, you did not just say that!

I did. But anyway, you talked to me at two until around three. Then you fell asleep on me 

At least you heard me. And I've been running around like...

A chicken with its head cut off. Yes. But I always hear you. If you'd just sit down a minute and listen.

I keep hearing that. There are so many things I want you to say.

What was that you said?

I want you to say so many things. 

Just so you know, I hear. It isn't time for you to know some things. And some things I don't have to tell you. You're a smart girl. You can figure out quite a few things on your own. Some things you will never know.

Unt...

Not even then.

What do I do? 

First, you go to your girls for dinner. That's far enough for your head to run. ...

What?

You might consider a nap. Before you go to the gym.

Gym? Oh shoot.

#ConversationswithHim

Long Lines and Lots of Questions

 I don't know how long I have to wait for you to say something. Is there anything in the manual? Did the memo get through? Are you on lunch break?

.............

Where is the concierge? There's not even a bell. When I was a girl, they actually had a "Royal Telephone". What happened to that?

You know, you can attract more flies with honey than with vinegar.

I've heard that, but I'm not looking for flies. 

 I know what you're looking for.

So, can you just answer a few questions? Oh, never mind. Honestly, I'll be full of questions, and when I get to heaven, there will be a line a mile long. 

"Lots of assumptions in that comment."

.......

"Yes. You might want to rethink that."

I'm just struggling to do the right thing. I'm so afraid of my own mind.

"Sarah said you're not afraid of anything. The real problem is that there is too much in your mind. You need to do some housekeeping."

As a general rule , I fear nothing. I can't be a slave to things or people. I have a healthy respect for the use of caution. That's not what I'm asking. 

Wait. What do I need to get out of my head? What about housekeeping? 

You overthink everything. You are very independent, refuse to be told what to do, and are excessively opinionated. Your kids are too. 

Well, ouch. I overthink so I don't screw up. I've been successful for the most part. The rest of it: independent, opinionated. I am what life made me. And yeah, my kids are so obnoxiously opinionated. But they're wonderful sons.

 You're going to have to decide what you want to be ruled by and how much of yourself you're willing to surrender. 

Oh. 

You surrendered nothing to your husband. He was happy just to bask in your light. That's not what the real world is about. 

I don't want to hear this. 

I'll wait. 

#ConversationsWithHim,