The Hidden Things

 So, how are you? 

You're kidding, right?

Not at all. You appear to feel better.

Well, if you pump enough of the right drugs into me... then I guess I'm feeling better.

Oh...

It's true. Pain levels have plummeted since they increased the pills.

That's not what I meant. 

Do you mind if I sit down? Thanks. I know what you meant. I'm fine.

Oh my. I thought that -

Look, it's been the worst three months I've had in 16 years. I've watched my life overturned... again. I've been in more physical pain that I have ever been in my 69 years. I felt more terror that I've known since I was a child. So, if I seem a little distressed, well, there's a reason.

You were very angry. 

Yes.

You're still vibrating with anger, but you're hiding it well. 

I'm not hiding it. If no one knows, they chose not to see. 

I'm sorry.

I'm not angry at you. 

Ah....

OK. I have been. I am. Can we not talk about this. It's excruciating.  

You think I failed you. That I don't care. Perhaps that I caused this?

No. Not that. I know you didn't cause it. 

..........

Did you fail me? I feel I did something wrong, and this is punishment. That my prayers were meaningless. No matter what decisions I made, no matter what prayers I prayed, and no matter what I did, there was no hope of a different outcome. Never. 

I understand. 

That. Does. Not. Fix. Anything. 

You're still angry.

This doesn't feel like anger. It feels like a huge, gaping wound where my life is pouring out. Not sure there is a patch big enough to fix that. I can't fix it. And when the prayers were prayed, so many prayers, so very many prayers, you didn't fix it. It lay there like a viper waiting to jump out and bite me. And here I am. I won't even talk about the pain. It's not anger. It's a roaring, raging pain. Sounds like anger, but don't worry. It's just pain.

You are important to me. You matter. You...

Don't matter. It's not about me! I don't care about me! That's what I keep saying. I don't matter. I care about the people I love. They matter. So if I rant and scream and rail against the things thrown at them, it's not about me. It's about them, and that is all that matters. If there's anger, it's because we don't get a choice about any of this. You know better than anyone about my life. It never mattered at all. 

I am grateful for all the wonderful moments I received. So very, very thankful. I'd have shot myself long ago had it not been for those shining moments that shone light in the darkness. I'm so thankful I can't even express it in words. But this, this thing ... I can't talk about it. It's monstrously ugly and I am so not capable of handling it. I can't handle it ever.

I'm sorry. I'm so very sorry. 

I know. 

#ConversationsWithHim

Pathways

 Copied from Life on the Ledge, 3/02/2012

Every day I get a daily Bible verse in my email. Sometimes it doesn't do a thing for me. At other times I will keep the email in my inbox all day and go back an reread the verse as time permits. Today's verse is one of these. 

Job 23:10-11 But he knoweth the way that I take: when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold. My foot hath held his steps, his way have I kept, and not declined.

I like the Book of Job because it's the one place in the Bible I can identify with someone so strongly that it seems Job and I know one another. In my Bible, I have highlighted several verses in Job. This whole chapter is highlighted because it's one of my favorites in the Bible. In that one chapter, I am Job.

Job 23:3 Oh that I knew where I might find him! That I might come even to his seat!

For some time now, I've been lost. Every path I would travel has been cut off. I'm not where I was, and where I am is unfamiliar territory. There are no familiar landmarks, no smooth roadways, and no one to turn to for help. It would appear that my path is to be traveled alone in alien lands. 

Job 23:8-9  Behold, I go forward, but he is not there; and backward, but I cannot perceive him:  On the left hand, where he doth work, but I cannot behold him: he hideth himself on the right hand, that I cannot see him:

I just don't know which way to turn. More than once, I have wanted to just sit down in the road and give up. I can't move in any direction at all because I simply don't know which direction to go because I don't know where I am. 

And yet....He knows exactly where I am. 

Job 23:10-11 But he knoweth the way that I take: when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold. My foot hath held his steps, his way have I kept, and not declined.

There's no Google Earth or Google Maps for me to use on this trip. I have only one resource, and too often I forget it. He doesn't forget me. 

Job 23:13-14 But he is in one mind, and who can turn him? and what his soul desireth, even that he doeth.  For he performeth the thing that is appointed for me: and many such things are with him.

He knows where I am. He knows the twist and turns in the roads, the highs and lows. He knows the dangers along each route. He knows the blocks across the paths that lie before me. He sees every alternative route long before I reach it. 

Sometimes when I want to go left, I am forced right. He knows what lies ahead. It is appointed for me. I'm not really lost at all. I just didn't plan the trip.

I do not know why there are dark places in the road, where no light penetrates. I do not know why accidents happen and I am injured or people die. Perhaps it's just the nature of the journey. I know only that there is great comfort in the fact that He knows where I am. And even though it seems I am lost in a strange land, He knows how I got there and where I'm going next.