When the Battle is Over

 I had a thought this morning when I was cleaning the cat box.

I heard.

I've had so many things happen in my life that nearly broke me. I know people say that sort of thing, even Paul did. 

Human nature to think about our past and what made us who we are, especially when we don't really like who we are. 

Actually, I do like who I am. I am not perfect by any scope of the imagination. I'm perfectly flawed. 

You stole that line.

Sort of. 

Something is on your mind. Why don't you tell me?

I'm trying to figure out how to word it. My thought was that something really hates me and has been trying for a long time to break me. I don't know why. I'm nobody, have no followers, no fame. I'm the epitome of a nobody. But I was never wanted. In fact, I probably shouldn't be here.

I wouldn't have put you here if I did not intend you to be here. 

That implies a purpose. 

Yes. 

It got lost somewhere.

No.

My mother and Dad weren't married, but when he found out, did the honorable thing. They'd only had one date, for heaven's sake. She walked away after six months. From the hospital, you put me in the hands of the greatest mother I could have asked for, my beautiful Mama. 

I knew she'd care for you as if you were her own. 

I never felt less than that. But you gave me an alcoholic, Daddy. Sober, no finer man lived. But....

He was perfectly flawed. And we talked before the end. You knew you were loved. 

But never felt like I belonged anywhere. And you took her too soon. 

She gave you what you needed. You learned to be independent earlier than most. 

I couldn't bake biscuits!

But you could iron a white shirt. Besides, you didn't really need the biscuits. 

You're so funny. 

And I sent Jerry.

Oh, yes. My knight in shinning armor. So many memories. Good, bad, and terrible memories. And you took him too soon, too. 

He should have told you. 

Yes. He should. 

Where is this going? 

I had a childhood filled with me doing things that could have killed a normal child. And with trauma no child should experience. Alcohol is a monster that no one sees but the victims. Right up till Mama died, we lived with that monster. I remember islands of happiness and a sea of sadness. Then Jerry and I had so many hurdles to get past. I wish I'd had more advice from Mama. I had to battle for everything, and there were some terrible heartaches involved with keeping it together. Twice we nearly ended it. We worked through it. But in the end, I don't know if he knew how very much I loved him. He was too busy hiding the truth from me. I was so angry because I didn't understand what was happening. I'm still angry.

You're wasting energy on that. 

I don't have Mama to tell me how to stop. Ah, then there was the lost child, the two brushes with death. Two problem pregnancies and a child with a learning disorder and hearing problem. Top all that off with battles with bullies, school corporations, and depression and you have a stew of vast proportions. Children who get involved with the wrong people and drugs. I survived their youth with many wounds. 

Everyone has wounds.

Why?

Because battles cause wounds and leave scars. 

There was a bright fairy that dropped in who made the world livable, pain bearable. Then in walks Death. After that, things go really dark with only one little bright star to light the sky. Until that too disappeared. I still battle, but other unwelcome things. I get exhausted and I could sleep for days.

And as I cleaned the cat box, I realized that something really ugly hates me, always has, and has spent years wearing me down. I've survived every battle. There are so many scars than if I could actually see them, I'd look like something from a nightmare. {sigh}

Ah, the famous sigh! I haven't seen it for a while. That's probably a good sign. It means you're not giving up.

You know I never stop fighting. I may flag for a time, but stopping is not an option.

I do! You are a fierce fighter. 

Right now, I feel that I'm digging trenches. In fact, it feels like I've always been digging trenches. I'm tired. I'm dirty. There are things out there, ugly little things that snarl and snap at me. 

But you're a very good shot. You keep them at bay. 

There is a price. 

I know about the price of things. No free lunches is the human term. It's very true.

Something has spent a lot of time, effort, and energy to get at me. No, I don't stop and I won't stop. I do not care what it cost me. No, that's not true. I will care. I simply can't let that stop me. 

I'm astonished.

Remember Jephthah?

I do.

I wrote a paper about him in college. I could never forget him. He fought when no one else would. But he was careless with his words, never really considering the outcome would be so costly. He fought regardless. So, I will continue to fight the battles. But I know that the cost may be very high, but not fighting is not an option. I just get so tired.

I know.

Maybe when the last battle is done . . .

We'll do lunch. Maybe a picnic with all our friends and family. 

That sounds like heaven.

Funny you should say that.

#ConversationsWithHim

I'm So Sick!

I’ve been praying for some people specifically lately. Several contacts have health issues and others I pray for as a matter of course. Family is on the list, as are my pastor’s family and my friends. As I prayed for a specific problem, I realized I wasn’t actually praying about the “illness”. I was praying for a “symptom.” 

That thought stopped me in my tracks. 

With all my health problems, I can’t see any of them. They’re internal: immune system, liver, joints, ligaments. I have a disease that's invisible to everyone. I can see the damage to joints, feel the intense pain in my joints and ligaments, experience the brain fog, fatigue, and constant aches. That isn't the disease. Those are all symptoms of a more serious problem. 

When we see sin in anyone’s life, we’re not seeing the problem. We’re seeing a symptom of an underlying disease. The spiritual problem is not visible, maybe not even to the victim. Many people think they’re “all right”. If you point out something you see as wrong, they may tell you don’t know what you're talking about. May, in fact, say you have a problem.

Many cancer patients don’t know they’re sick until they’re in Stage 4. That’s basically a death sentence. They may not even have visible symptoms until they’re weeks from death. Horrible to contemplate that you may die and never realize you're sick. 

Behavior is not the illness. There are people who are so sweet and kind, but in their heart may be the darkest intents. You only see the pretty package. What people do may be unpleasant, unkind, or evil, but those things are a symptom of a much deeper, much more serious sickness. 

I think the Lord checked my spirit on this issue because I spend a lot of time praying for symptoms. “Oh Lord, heal the pain!” or “Oh Lord, keep them from doing that!” 

In John 11:4 they called Jesus to pray for a very ill Lazarus and he told them, “This is not a sickness that will kill him but will glorify God.” But he died. Still, Jesus went and wept at the tomb. Not because Lazarus was dead, but because of their lack of faith. Then he prayed for Lazarus. He didn’t ask for Lazarus healing. He went straight to the source. “Lazarus, come here.” He completely ignored the illness that killed him.

In Luke 8: 48-55 Jairus called on Jesus to heal his dying daughter. We don’t even know what was wrong with her, and she died before her father finished telling Jesus the problem. When he went to the house, he again ignored the symptoms. He just told her to get up. Then he told them to feed her, the only symptom he addressed! It probably wasn't a symptom, but she may not have been able to eat for a while.

So, your loved one drinks and smokes. That is not the illness! It is a symptom of a much deeper problem. They lie and steal. Horrible! That is not the illness! When we pray for people, we need to stop focusing on their symptoms and address the problem we can’t see. What is the underlying issue? This is what a physician does daily. What diseases do the symptoms indicate? 

“I’M SICK!” Certainly you can pray for relief from the symptoms, but don’t stop there. Pray for deliverance from the spiritual illness that is killing them. Pray for the hidden diseases that may wrack the body. Pray the condition of the heart, mind, and soul! 

Why? Because when the disease disappears, the symptoms will disappear.