Buried Bothers

Written January 12, 2016.....

Sometimes I wonder why I bother. Things are just hard and the older I get, the harder they get.

And you didn't expect that?

No, of course not. I thought when I grew up, life would become easier. I mean, that's why kids are always in a hurry to grow up. Life is hard when you're a kid. Yes, you have someone to take care of you and you don't have to work. But there's a lot of learning going on and learning is difficult. It takes a tremendous amount of energy. Children sleep so well because they work so hard.

So....

When we're small we think that when we grow up, we won't be subject to all the learning, and rules, and frustrations of not being in control.

Ah, control.

We see these grown-ups going about their business, no one telling them what to do, hanging with friends, buying things. It all looks so ... awesome. "When I grow up I'm gonna..."

Isn't that normal?

Must be since every kid does it. 

So?

It's an illusion. We're deceived into it and then when reality hits us... well, it is a bit like a train wreck. Is a train wreck for some. Life isn't easy as an adult. It is hard. You think every day about how great it was to be a kid and as a kid, you were thinking how great it would be to be an adult. There is never a moment when you say, "Ah, I've arrived. I've reached the place I was headed." 

Well, wouldn't that mean you're... finished?

Yes! You could sit back and enjoy all that you struggled to learn. 

No, I mean... dead.

You know, I don't get the whole "we can't be happy until we are in heaven" thing. Is that even in the Bible?

No.

See I didn't think so. I've read it a few times and never found that.

You can be happy here. Why aren't you?

Because we spend our entire lives looking for something that simply isn't there. We get this list of opportunities, goals and the behavior of the adults around us make it sound as if once we attain those that our problems will be over and we'll live happily ever after. It just isn't true.

Is that how you were taught?

....................Life was hard and unpleasant much of my childhood. I have a lot of good memories but so many more bad ones. The way out was to love God, get an education, marry a good man, get a good job. I did all that. I worked hard. 

And it didn't work?

Not so much. There were probably more good memories than bad ones. The road was just as hard. And now it is so much shorter and I've come full circle. I was never a very optimistic person to start with and as it turns out...

So, you got what you expected.

Well, we all do, don't we? I do think the dice are loaded, though. I don't think we have much choice in the matter of how things turn out. We know now that certain chemicals in our body, once out of balance, can totally derail a person. You can give them something to create balance but the truth is you've created a false balance. The body is still out of whack. Just stop taking the pill and you're back where you started.

This is a pretty negative post. 

Yeah, that's probably why it ended up in the draft file for five months.

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