Listeners

What do I want?

Do you want the short list?

It isn't funny, you know.

I thought the Jag was amusing.

But I meant that one.

I know. 

I keep asking myself if I was always a miserable person or if this is just the mark Death leaves on you.

And you answered...."

I don't have an answer. You know as well as I that hindsight is always 20/20. We were always happier some other time, some other place. Now always makes the past crystal clear and the future blurry and murky.

You know, as you've gotten older, you've become quite a philosopher. 

If I'm correct, real philosophers don't usually live very long.

Well... I'd have to check the files but I suspect you're right.

.......

Tell me something, why do you think the past is crystal clear? Are you certain what you remember is actually the way you remember it? 

I'm sure. I've always been cursed with a very good memory. Children who grow up the way I did generally overcompensate there. They never forget a painful past. And any good times stick out rather clearly as a result.

You know, it has taken nearly six years for my brain to get out of bed. I had to quit my job to start the process. It isn't something I've enjoyed at all. Oh, its nice to not have to go back to that place but there are several downsides. Money is a huge pit. I'm still waiting for a way across.

But that's not what I'm talking about. I'm sitting here with this knowledge about myself that I can't make sense of and I'm not happy in any sense of the word. In no way. I do the things I do to keep myself occupied but not because they make me happy. I seek out opportunities to stay occupied or I end up watching tv show marathons on Netflix.

So, what are you avoiding?

See, that's the thing. I generally don't avoid anything. I step right into the biggest pile of ... stuff, every time, up to my neck. I don't think I'm avoiding anything. I think I'm trying to figure out why things have turned out the way they have and what I'm supposed to do with that. Short on answers, I look for entertainment. I don't find myself caring much at all about much of anything.

Your conclusions?

Are non-existent. What do I want? A map? A guide book? Well, that'd be really nice. Yes, yes, I have the Bible. And I get a lot of great stuff from there. But honestly, if you read it the Bible doesn't speak very clearly about women who survive death at close quarters or the aftermath of their lives trying to adjust to it. In the Bible, they just married their brother-in-law or a cousin. No thanks. No, I don't have conclusions. Just more confusion. Which brings me to another thing I realized this week. I was having a horrible day when I realized how very close my relationship with death has been all my life.

What did you realize?

Do you know I can count three or four times in my life that I was nearly killed? I never thought of these in any collective way before but this week I remembered then all at one time. And I'm serious. I know of at least three times I was a hair's breadth from death. I feel like there was a fourth but can't remember that one at the moment. Anyway, the realization kind of shocked me. I figured there must be a point in that. . . somewhere.

What was the point?

I have no idea. I've been waiting for you to mention it.

You remember times you nearly died?

Yes, I do. When I was about three or four I ate a plant we call Elephant Ears. Hugh tropical plant you see in a lot of flower beds down south. They are deadly poison. They were growing in a hedge along the property line. I was standing under them watching the neighbor cut the lawn. I was so small but I remember very clearly doing it. I began to feel sick and I remember climbing a set of very high steps to get in the house. It sat very high off the ground. I remember going into the kitchen and the room going blurry. I don't remember anything after that. I told Mama about it when I was a teenager and she was stunned at how much I remembered. Mama said they rushed me to the doctor and had to pump my stomach. I survived. I even have a memory of waking up in the doctor's office and crying.

The next time, I was about seven or eight and walking up the street from our house to my mother's house, one of the few times she lived near us. It was dark and a car came barreling down the street and ran up on the curb. My dog knocked me down and was hit. He ran off. I had skinned hands and knees. Everyone came running outside when they heard the car hit the curb. I don't remember if they found the dog. I don't remember anything after that. I was relatively unharmed.

The third time was in Germany. We were in the mountains and it was so beautiful. We had approached this hill that was so green and had trees here and there. I had this huge impulse to run up the hill. Something told me I'd look silly. There were a lot of people around. So I didn't. I walked to the top and nearly stepped off a cliff. Must have been at least 300 feet down to the creek below. Scared me so bad I had to go back down and lean against a tree. No problem remembering that day at all. Every time I remember that moment, I feel the same sick feeling I did that day.

Where's your question in all this?

Why three or four near misses? Why go to all that trouble to put me right here, sick and alone and struggling to make sense of all the mess? What's the point? Wait, just wait a minute... I know I have a house to live in and maybe I'll have enough income to provide my basic needs. Not sure but whatever. I know I have family who love me... most of them far, far, away. But you have to know what I'm talking about. No one else does. I've tried to explain it and I just get a lot of talk that is frankly, annoying. I'm like that hiker I mentioned a while back who's lost in the woods. I can't seem to get across to anyone where I am. No one seems to get that I am totally lost, totally alone, and totally empty. No one gets it!

And yes, I know that every one of those times you saved my life. I'm thankful. Really.

Well, I'm glad to hear that. I was beginning to wonder. 

See, when you try and explain what is going on in your head to people, they get all bent or they offer platitudes and reasons, and I don't know what all. You get lots of advice, generally useless.

What do you want them to say? 

You know, when I am faced with something like this from other people, I usually try not to equate my troubles with theirs. It is easy to say "well let me tell you how bad it was for me." Honestly, I. don't. care.  That doesn't help anyone. Sometimes, all a person needs is a listening ear. They don't need you to understand. They don't need you to sympathize. They don't need you to pontificate. They just need you to listen. No matter how crazy, painful, illogical, or stupid it sounds.

I see. 

You'd be the first. Even I don't get any of this. I'm sitting on this log until someone finds me.

I bought marshmallows. I thought sure you'd bring the chocolate.

I'm not supposed to eat that stuff.

Well, I'll wait with you. You can talk. I'll listen.

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