Round Trip

 That was so easy. 

So I gather. 

It was the right decision.

Some would disagree.

And they did. 

....

You disagree too?

I didn't say that. I've just seen how your mind works and know that at some point you'll stay up all night trying to figure out if you did the right thing.

Or you could just tell me now.

Doesn't work that way.

Oh, I'm aware of that. OK, I just decided that it wasn't worth what I was going through to continue. It was painful and felt like wasted time. Depressing every day. Never mind that the choices were simply ridiculous. If I have to wade through dung to find a diamond, it just isn't happening. I'll stick with simple rocks.

Next week you'll reconsider.

I might. That's fine. But I don't think I will. I'll start a group. I'll go visit family. I'll work on the novel. I've got three books coming in soon. I'll be busy. I also need to declutter. I have a book to finish and one to publish. Things to do. 

Are you going somewhere? 

You tell me. Wait ... doesn't work that way. 

You're learning. But you didn't answer.

I'm thinking about it. When there's nothing left, what do you do? Truth is, I don't know. But I know you can't continue on the same path. And this year, I realized there's nothing left. It kind of sent me into a mental break. For a month. It was so embarrassing. 

In the last week, something shifted again. I'm fighting a battle I can't win. No, don't say anything. I can't. You know I can't. I know my limitations. I know ... I know me. It doesn't really matter. Sometimes you stand and fight. Other times, you walk away. I've been fighting a long time. A very long time. I'm so over it. I'm done. I am bleeding out. It can't continue.

You've chosen. 

No. You chose. I'm just conceding. I will not fight anymore. Not this battle. There will be others, but I'm finished with this one. 

You're giving up?

I will never give you up. Ever. I began this trip without knowing the cost. Simple prayers for a simple life. What I got wasn't simple. Adventures galore, wounds, pain, heartache, punctuated by joy and death. Repeated death. And I stayed the course. I'll stick it out. But this is one battle I won't win. I won't settle for less than I deserve. So, I'm done. Just let me stay on the bus and I'll be fine. I'll start a sewing circle.

....

Did you roll your eyes?

You're not the sewing-circle type. 

I can sew. In fact, I can do a lot of needlework. I can also...

I know what you can do. That's not what you are supposed to do. 

I didn't get that memo. What am I supposed to do? 

We'll talk later. I'll talk to my secretary and get you that memo. 

I know that's a joke. 

You didn't laugh, and neither did I. 

So, where am I, exactly?

Right where you started from. 

** If you're confused by this post, it isn't for you. I'm not confused. 

#ConversationswithHim

Finding My Way

  I wish things were simple. They're not. At all.

On Tuesday, the 16th, I went to church. The message was about Gideon. It's a good story. It's also where we get the term "lay a fleece". 

Gideon sought God's answer to a prayer, and he put a lamb's fleece on the ground. If it got wet, and the surrounding ground dried, he got his answer. The next night he did this again (because obviously it could be a fluke) but this time the fleece stayed dry and the ground wet. 

Somewhere in this sermon, the minister made an odd statement. Well, odd to me. Afterward, I couldn't figure out what came before or after it. 

"When you build the altar, God will provide directions." 

It's nothing. Right? I mean, it's just a comment. It's about Gideon.

But I'm looking for directions. Praying for them multiple times a day. I wash dishes and pray for them. I shower and ask. I drive to the gas station, I spend a lot of time there lately, and pray for directions. IN THE PARKING LOT!

How hard can this be? 

Don't ask.

 At night, after I've turned out the light and tried to sleep. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and pray again for direction. 

Do you know how silent the night is? Think about how silent it is when you can't hear anything. Not a whisper, not a breath, not the gentle whoosh of the heat. Nothing. 

Silence I can handle, relish even.

But this, this dead air, this barrier that nothing gets through. I can't handle this. I can't cope with it. 

I'm aware of my impatience. I know I get frustrated. I KNOW! 

Don't get me wrong. I also know what I'm listening for and how it should sound. I've heard it before, recently in fact. So, the fact that there is nothing is both frustrating and frightening. 

Did I say frightening? I did. 

Trust me. 

Of course, I trust you. Always. 

But you don't. 

I do! I just can't take the silence. Do you hear that? 

Trust me. 

How long? Cause I haven't mentioned it, but ...

I'm aware. Trust me.

I thought I did.

Ah, truth. That's almost as good. 

.....

Trust me, please.

I do. I don't know what else to say. It is what I believe. I do. Really. 

Then wait for directions.

#ConversationswithHim

Detour

 Where are we?

Right here. Walking.

Sorry, wrong question. Why are we here?

I thought you'd enjoy this.

Mmm, yes. It's beautiful. I love the woods. But just days ago, we were in the mountains crawling up the side of a cliff. 

We were. You didn't like it.

No, I did not. 

So here we are. You got a lot of exercise on that climb. Thought this might refresh you.

You said I needed the exercise. So why are we really here?

...

Don't give me the side-eye. You know. 

I know many things. Which one are you referring to?

Oh good Lord.

Thank you. 

Look at this place. Beautiful trees, a lovely path all fixed for us. 

I like it, too.

So, is this the Valley of the Shadow of Death?

What! Of course not. Why would you think that?

I have some experience.

I see. Well, you're wrong. Again. 

....

That got you, didn't it?

You know I was up at 2 a.m.?

I do. I was there. 

You were very quiet.

Well, with you, I don't get to talk much.

Oh, you did not just say that!

I did. But anyway, you talked to me at two until around three. Then you fell asleep on me 

At least you heard me. And I've been running around like...

A chicken with its head cut off. Yes. But I always hear you. If you'd just sit down a minute and listen.

I keep hearing that. There are so many things I want you to say.

What was that you said?

I want you to say so many things. 

Just so you know, I hear. It isn't time for you to know some things. And some things I don't have to tell you. You're a smart girl. You can figure out quite a few things on your own. Some things you will never know.

Unt...

Not even then.

What do I do? 

First, you go to your girls for dinner. That's far enough for your head to run. ...

What?

You might consider a nap. Before you go to the gym.

Gym? Oh shoot.

#ConversationswithHim