Unceasing Conversation

This isn't working out the way I planned. I'm sure people think I'm crazy.

I would say you're right but that's beside the point. Why do you think you're crazy?

Oh, well, I don't think that.... much. But I've always kept these kind of conversations to myself. I never told anyone that we talk this way. When I read it....

It looks crazy.

See, even you see it.

........

I don't think it is that  funny.

I'm sorry.

There are some people who frown on this kind of conversation with you. For some reason they feel it is inadequate.

What do you think?

Well, it doesn't seem to matter what I think. Apparently, it doesn't count.

Hmmm, hold on a moment while I get my adding machine, math isn't my strong suite. By my reckoning.... we talk a lot... some days you never stop talking.

.........

I wasn't insulting you. 

I know. You're trying to be funny.

How'd I do?

I'm good with it. I don't buy the math thing. What I don't understand is why this is considered inadequate.

Do you think anyone else talks to me this way?

.........

I'll know if you lie.

No. I don't think anyone else does this. That makes me odd.

It makes you wrong. 

Oh. Why do I feel it is somehow not ..... proper?

Because you've allowed the opinions of others to direct your thinking. You talk to your dead husband. 

Yes, and that's crazy.

Not at all. You love him. You miss him. You want to connect with him. You can't, of course, but you feel connected when you talk to him. It feels almost as if he's with you some days.

I do it less now. Almost never, really. And it isn't enough. It is very painful.

I know. Still, I figure that if you're talking to me the same way, it must mean something. You love me. You miss me. You want to connect with me. When you talk to me, as if I was physically in the room with you, you sense that I am. 

........

I don't think that's crazy at all. 

I talk to you more that I do him. He's moving away, in time and it feels like in space. Although, I suppose time-wise, we're moving closer.

In a manner of speaking.

I can't help talking to you the way I do. It feels normal to me. I've always done it. You know, sometimes I become so engrossed that if I'm in a public place I have to check to see if I said something aloud.

O.k. that's probably crazy.

Very funny. But seriously, I seem to become so involved in the conversation that I forget everything else. I really should stop that. I need to wait until I'm alone.

Why do you think you do talk to me as if you see me?

Because I need you. I can't cope with all that has happened alone. And you left me alone here. You removed all the supports and expected me to stand. You left me no one to lean on. I was so angry. I think, sometimes I still am. No, I know I am. Sometimes.

I never left you alone. And yes, I know it feels like it. You talk to me so much to remind yourself that I'm still here. You believe.

I can't post this.

Why not?

Because... it is crazy.

Sure it is. I suspect some crazy person will read it and feel much better. Knowing they aren't alone.

Do you know that I don't have a scripture for this? I mean, this is supposed to be about giving you praise.

Really?  "Whatever I tell you in the dark, speak in the light; and what you hear in the ear, preach on the housetops." Matt 10: 27 

Or how about this, "However, when He, the Spirit of truth, has come, He will guide you into all truth; for He will not speak on His own authority, but whatever He hears He will speak; and He will tell you things to come." John 16:13 

Oh, this one is even better, "Pray without ceasing,"1 Thessalonians 5:17

I get it. Thank you for listening. Do you know how very much I love you?

Tell me.

#ConversationsWithHim