Last Wednesday, February 3rd, I sat down to do my morning devotional. I don't remember what was going on. I find nothing specific posted anywhere. What I do remember is the thought that popped into my head just as I got comfortable.
"God has placed you in this place at this time for His purposes, not yours."
It sort of made me flinch. It is a hard thing to hear, like a splash of ice water in the face. I don't like to admit that I know what it meant, but I did. I wrote it down.
I struggle with raison d’être* constantly, never satisfied because I find none. That's a French expression and means the most important reason or purpose for someone or something's existence. I have never, ever in my entire life felt that I belonged anywhere, or that there was a purpose for my being here. Never. A few times it felt as if I was about to discover it. But it quickly passed, leaving me feeling useless.
But the statement stung. Still, I moved forward with my devotional and Bible reading, burying the emotions seething beneath the surface.
As soon as I began to read, two quotes hit me in the same aching place in my chest.
"Sometimes a storm in your life is what will blow you to the place you are longing to be."—Beth Moore.
"Sometimes when you're in a dark place, you think you've been buried. But you've actually been planted."—Christine Cain.
Reading this all again is painful. I hate the nagging sense of no purpose, no reason. I am a person of facts and reason. There has to be a purpose, a point, a reason for everything in the universe. If there isn't, life is a waste of time and nothing matters. Plants grow for a reason. The sky is blue for a reason. Ants build nests for a purpose. EVERYTHING has purpose, a raison d’être.
I remember now what my thoughts were that morning. Nothing matters. There is no point... to me, to my life, to anything at all. Things are such a mess that there can't possibly be any purpose to anything. Especially me. My whole life I've looked for something, some solid ground to plant my feet on and say, this is why I'm here. I matter, even when everyone and everything makes me think I don't. My eternal scream of WHY!
Storms and dark places, indeed. When does it all end? I get so exhausted by it all.
And then.....
"God has placed you in this place at this time for His purposes, not yours."
Girl, get over yourself.
